Shit.
“Noah... if I’d known that, I never would have—”
“No,” she said, shaking her head as she scooped the puppy in her arms, holding it close. “I’m not triggered. That’s not what I’m saying. I was afraid I would be, but when I look at this puppy all I feel is joy. I remember those things that happened to me, yes. But they’re distant now. Just part of the fabric that makes me... me. And that little girl in me is so, so pleased right now. She has come so far, from unwanted and unloved to this. Nick, this is everything,” she said, her voice choked with emotion. “Thank you.”
“You are so welcome,” I told her, pulling her into my arms even though she was still holding that wiggly ass puppy. I kissed her forehead, then the tip of her nose, then moved lower, pressing my lips to hers. “Happy Birthday, Noah.”
“Thank you,” she whispered back. “There’s a little party later, will you be my date?”
“Absolutely. I thought you might let me be seen with you, so I brought something decent I could put on,” I told her, making her laugh. “What are you going to name him?”
She raised an eyebrow, looking at me like I was crazy. “What do you mean? He already has a name – Puppy.”
“Okay,” I chuckled. “Well, Puppy is a Labradoodle, with either not enough lab, or not enough doodle. I can’t remember. But he was rescued from an illegal breeding ring. They were letting the ones who weren’t “good enough” starve, mistreating them, all that. He needed a good home.”
Noah smiled. “Sounds familiar. How in the world did you know to get a dark brown one? Or was he the only one?”
“He wasn’t the only one, but ... don’t laugh, because this is corny as hell... I figured since you’re chocolate, and I’m chocolate...”
“We should have a chocolate baby?” she giggled. “That’s... corny, yes, but it’s also sweet as hell. And I hope you know Puppy is ours.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Now you and my dog halfway across the country?”
“Actually... no.” The grin on her face spread wider. “I accepted the position with Glow Up this morning, so... I guess I’m moving to LA.”
“Don’t play like that Noah... you’re serious?”
She nodded. “Yeah. I’m serious. The magazine already put an agency on finding me a new place, and when I peeked at my phone earlier, I had an email with options for me to review. I tried to explain about the drama with Sam, but they didn’t care. Cameron had already vouced for me.They’re excited to have me. I have no idea how I’m going to explain it to Nana.”
I’m excited to have you.
A weight I didn’t realize I’d been carrying dissipated from my shoulders. As reluctant as I’d been to allow myself to get wrapped too deeply into this thing with Noah... I was all in, at this point. Before she’d mentioned that job offer, I hadn’t even hoped she might consider LA. Since she’d told me about the job, I’d been forcing myself not to think about it too hard, not to mention it to her, not wanting it to seem like I was pressuring her, but shit.
At this point, we’d been dating for three months – three months where despite the distance, we’d forged a deep, quality connection. No, three months wasn’t a long time, but with Noah... it felt like she’d been placed directly in my path – handpicked for me.
Feelings didn’t care about how long it had been – they were what they were. But what I felt for this girl... it was “too early” to feel. So I didn’t say it, even though she deserved to hear it, and I knew better than to not say it when I had the chance.
Still... I swallowed the words.
“You’re gonna get sick of seeing me,” was what I chose to say instead, opting for playfulness over the heavy sentiment in my chest.
Noah grinned, holding that puppy close.
“Not if you get sick of seeing me first.”
#12
NOAH
I usually wasn’t timid about letting people know exactly what was on my mind. Especially when it came to people I cared about. I didn’t like misunderstandings, didn’t want to ever let a spat go on longer than it should, any of that.
But when it came to my grandmother, my tread was always careful.
This was the women who saved me, raised me, cultivated the woman I was today. The reason my love for self was so deep, and the reason I even had a self to love.
I never wanted her to be disappointed in me, never wanted to hurt her. Those dual desires led me to do something entirely cowardly.
I didn’t tell her about the job offer. Not that I was considering it, nor that I was taking it. As I sat at her kitchen table, being served from a sweet potato pie, there were movers at my place. Keri and Arizona were there, supervising, while I had a conversation I should’ve had weeks ago.
Glow Up is serious about me starting as soon as possible, so they bought out my lease and paid the deposit for my new place in LA. I’m moving. Right now.
That was what I needed to say, but I couldn’t make myself form those words. Nana sat down across from me at her weathered kitchen table, with her own slice of pie, looking... regal. Her hair was pulled into a thick goddess braid around her head – healthy, glossy gray, contrasting against the beautiful deep brown of skin I’d inherited. I’d gotten her eyes too – limitless pools of dark mahogany that always held a subtle note of curiosity.
“Noah.” She started, and my attention snapped right to her. “Are you going to sit here all day with something on your mind, or are you going to tell me?”
I swallowed hard. “I... um...”
“Let me rephrase that. Tell me.”
“I’m moving to Los Angeles.”
Nana stopped stirring the coffee cup she’d brought to the table with her, letting the spoon hang absently from her fingers as she looked up. “To be with Nick?”
I hadn’t formally introduced Nick to my grandmother yet, but I’d told her all about him. She’d seen pictures, given advice, and even commented on the proverbial “glow” I’d been wearing in the months since we’d been with each other. She knew the depth of my feelings for him, so it didn’t surprise me that she thought I was moving for him.
“For a job,” I corrected. “At a different magazine. They offered me the opportunity to be the face of their rebrand. And a permanent position, in LA.”
“Noah, baby, that’s wonderful. But what is Cameron Taylor going to think? You know I’ve told you about burning bridges...”
“No, she’s on board with it. She thinks it’s a great opportunity. Encouraged me to take it. So... I did.”
“Good for you, now... what am I missing?”
I pushed out a sigh, and then stuffed my mouth with pie to give myself a little time before answering. Nana didn’t seem too pleased with my stall tactic – she folded her arms over her chest, eyebrow raised.
“Lil’ girl, you’ve got about five seconds to—”
“I’m moving... now. Like... movers are packing up my apartment at this exact moment.”
“And you’re just now telling me this Noah?!”
“I’m sorry!”
“You ought to be!” She pushed her plate and coffee cup aside, leaning toward me. “You explain yourself, and you do it now.”
I shook my head. “I... can’t. I don’t have a good answer, Nana, and I’m sorry. If I could’ve moved without saying anything, I would’ve, if it meant I didn’t have to see you upset. I couldn’t do it.”
“And why the hell not?” Nana asked, face fixed into a frown. “You think you’ve never upset me before?”
“No, but I’ve never left you before,” I said, finally putting words to what I’d been grappling with for weeks. “I wasn’t sure how you’d react to it.”
“You know your Nana is a grown woman, right?”
“I do.”
“And you know I’m still very capable of taking care of myself?”
“I do.”
“And you know how to use a phone, and book a flight – you’re always on a plane for work, or to go
see that boy, so surely you could figure out a way to keep communication open with me?”
“Of course,” I insisted. “I thought about all of that. It feels silly now, but I didn’t want you to think I was ungrateful, or selfish, for leaving.”
Nana’s expression softened, and she reached across the table for my hand. “My dear... neither selfish or ungrateful are words that ever cross my mind when it comes to you. The caring I’ve done for you – seeing you blossom into the woman in front of me is more than enough payback. Tenfold! Noah, baby, I’m not the least bit bothered by you moving on to bigger and better – I would be insulted if you didn’t. This is what I wanted, and dreamed for you. Maybe you’re not worried it’s what I think. Maybe it’s what you think.”
“Huh?”
“Selfish and ungrateful. Maybe that’s what you think about leaving, and why you felt so guilty you’re just now telling me this. Is that what it is? You feel bad about it?”
“Of course I feel bad about it,” I said. “You were done raising kids, and you were living your life. You gave that up to take care of me. And now you’re getting older, and I know you’re still doing Pilates and going to concerts and dating and all that, but... you’re going to need someone to take care of you, and I won’t be here. I thought about all that... and still took the job. Selfishly.”
“Good,” Nana insisted, squeezing my hand. “Good. Baby, you have been through hell and back. A lot of people would’ve been – through no fault of their own – paralyzed by that. You were broken, and put back together, and now you spend your time helping and encouraging and teaching other women how to put themselves together. You deserve a selfish decision about your life, Noah. Take this job, move away from this weather, and let something beautiful bloom with that big handsome man – who you’d better formally introduce me to when I come down there to see your new place. You hear me girl?”
I nodded, then pulled my hands back to wipe away the stray tears that had started down my cheeks. “I do.”
“Good. Now, did I hear you say you had movers packing up your apartment? Lil’ girl, if you don’t get out of here and go supervise those people!”
I laughed. “Arizona and Keri are over there. Arizona is moving too.”
“That don’t mean nothing to me. Get up. And here, you take this pie with you. I promised Keri I would send her a piece next time I made one.”
I wasn’t in the habit of arguing with my Nana, so I did as she asked. I did need to get back over there anyway, and a few minutes later I was loaded down with disposable containers of pie as I headed to her front door.
When I opened the door, my Nana’s very-grown-man-fine neighbor from across the street was on the other side, looking as if I’d caught him off guard.
“You okay Mr. Jenkins?” I asked, concerned. “How can I help you?”
He ran a hand over his low-cropped, salt-and-pepper hair, and glanced behind me. “Yes, I’m fine Noah. I was... uh... swinging by to say hello to Helene.”
“Noah, you go ahead on now,” I heard behind me, and glanced back to see my Nana rushing up to the door. It was then that I paid attention to what she wearing – dark skinny jeans and knee-high (flat) boots, with a thick sweater that was hanging off her shoulder – a bare shoulder!
“Okay, wait a minute now,” I said, sputtering over my words as my Nana ushered me out, and welcomed Mr. Jenkins in. “What is going on here?!”
My Nana urged Mr. Jenkins into the kitchen, and then turned to face me. “Like I said, baby. Your grandmother is going to be just fine. You keep me updated on when you’re leaving and all that.”
And then she closed the door in my face.
Once my mouth closed, I smiled. My grandmother was a beautiful woman, not even seventy yet, and serious about her health. I loved that, after her husband died nearly fifteen years ago, she was dating again.
I just hadn’t expected Mr. Jenkins to be one of her suitors – I doubted he was over forty.
“Go ahead then Nana,” I chuckled to myself as I headed to my car – something that wouldn’t be coming to LA with me. It was already sold – due to be surrendered to the seller tomorrow, but I needed to make this one last trip out to the suburbs.
In the car, I used the Bluetooth to call Nick, who I’d already told about having this conversation with Nana the night before. He’d asked me to call him after, so I was surprised when he didn’t answer. But... with the time difference, it was still early for him.
I turned my music all the way up, blasting it and singing along until I made it back to the city, back to my apartment.
When I made it up to our floor, I was surprised by how much progress had been made – the truck parked in front of the building was almost full, thanks to the movers. Keri and Arizona were sitting in the of the nearly-empty living room, drinking a bottle of wine.
“This is what you heifers call helping me move?” I teased as I lowered myself to the floor with them. “I bet y’all haven’t packed a single box.”
Arizona was first to speak up. “You aren’t the only one leaving, and that’s what we hired movers for. What I look like packing when we paid them to do it? Only thing I packed myself was my clothes, and you’d already done yours. We’re reminiscing now.”
“Yeah, since you bitches are leaving me,” Keri pouted, putting her glass down before she sprawled out on the floor, dramatic. “I’ve gotta make some new friends. Y’all suck.”
I reached over, grabbing her hand. “Or... you could move too. You can sew anywhere.”
“Not true. I have to be inspired by my surroundings,” all three of us said, in unison, and Keri let out a frustrated growl.
“It’s so not funny,” she whined. “I seriously can’t believe you’re leaving me here to freeze my ass cheeks off this winter while y’all are in perfect sunny LA.”
“Well, there’s always the chance the whole shit could burn down,” Arizona said, trying to help.
I nodded. “Or, I mean, an earthquake. The whole state could break off and become an island in the Pacific.”
“Y’all aren’t helping. How are we gonna get drunk and sing Total songs now? What am I supposed to do without the Kima and Keisha to my Pam?”
While Keri was still lamenting our move – as if she weren’t always busy as hell anyway, which meant we usually kept in touch with her over the phone – my phone started ringing in the pocket of my hoodie.
Okay, Nick’s hoodie, but still.
I pulled it out and glanced at the screen, noting that it was Nick himself calling me back, but I wasn’t about to interrupt this moment, with my friends to answer the phone. Not when he was only returning my call.
But then he called again.
And... again.
The second call was unlike him – blowing up my phone wasn’t his thing – but that third call? That was unheard of. I took Keri and Arizona’s teasing about me being “sprung” with a smile as I stood up, moving into my empty bedroom to return the call.
Nick wasn’t the one to answer the phone.
I recognized Jamie’s voice immediately as it came on the line, edged with stress. “Noah?” she asked, and I nodded as if she could see me.
“Yeah. What’s up?”
“Um...” I heard the static in the line as she pushed out a breath. “It’s about Nick.”
My heart dropped all the way down to my feet as those words worked their way through my brain, wreaking havoc on my nerves. Instantly, my lungs felt constricted, and all necessary moisture left my mouth.
Please, God...
“What happened? Is he okay?” I managed to find the fortitude from somewhere to ask those questions, even though I was afraid of the answer. I didn’t want to know the answer.
Did I want to know the answer?
“He had to go to the hospital this morning. Luckily Payton was there, to call me, but... he’s not in good shape, Noah. If you can come... you probably should.”
“I can come,” I answered quickly, already runnin
g through a list of what I needed to do to get to LA as soon as possible. “I... is he going to be okay? What happened? Can he talk, or?”
“He’s sleeping right now,” Jamie said, in a soothing tone that did nothing to calm me. “I’m waiting to talk to the doctor now, so... I can’t say, even though I wish I could. We’re going to pray for the best, okay? And I’m sure having you here would help, for when he wakes up. So...”
I nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m on my way. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
I said that, but then as soon as the call ended, I froze. What happened next, I couldn’t say, but the next thing I knew I was sobbing in Keri’s arms while Arizona made flight arrangements for me. Two hours later, I was in the window seat on a flight to LA, trying to hold myself together.
He’d warned me about this.
Complications, hospital visits, all of it. I’d brushed him off because it was easy to do. Even though I’d googled, and read, and watched vlogs, and read online diaries, it had been so easy to tell myself, that’s not Nick. He was big, and strong, and healthy, and... human. His body was as fallible as anyone else’s, and his genetic condition further complicated that.
I’d lied to him.
I’d sworn I was prepared, sworn I could handle it, but really, I’d been pretending it would never be an issue. And now that it was, one thing was very, very clear to me.
I could not handle it.
#
This is my fault.
I sat in the hospital waiting room with Jamie, one chair between us. It was quiet, but not silent – the perfect background music for me focus in completely on my guilt.
He was here because of me.
Severe Crisis.
Another round of tears began to build as I thought about what he was going through – severe pain, so bad it was likened to post-surgical, or cancer pain – and the likely cause of the crisis – last week’s flight to Seattle, for me. I still remembered his complaints about the cold – nothing to me, but everything to him. The doctors had already told Jamie there was no specific trigger to point to, but I knew, because I couldn’t stop looking at the list in the article I’d pulled up on my phone.
Relationship Goals Page 14
