JUSTIFIED

by Danielle James

  Jon opened the double doors into the hearing room and found Sarah sitting in a metal chair facing the parole board. Her hair was pulled back into a simple pony tail as usual and she was staring at the floor. The character judges sat back behind their long desk, looking at her expectantly. They knew this was all a farce as well. The man on the right, Mr. Johnson, was perusing through some paperwork, the woman in the middle, Mrs. Nell, was staring at Sarah with a mixture of sympathy and regret. Mr. Wallard, the man on the left, was watching Sarah with amusement. Jon knew that last time they were all in this position; Sarah had lashed out at him. Jon bet he was wondering what colorful things would come out her mouth this time.

  And then there was Sarah. She was sitting in her chair, her legs crossed at the ankles, dressed in her yuck green jumpsuit, staring at the floor.

  Jon’s heart gave a little tug at the sad look on her face. He knew without a doubt that she was going to deny herself the opportunity to be free. With a sigh, Jon took the seat next to Sarah and reached for her hand.

  She accepted his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. She didn’t look up, she didn’t look at him. She just kept staring at the floor. Jon didn’t say anything; he just wanted her to know that he was there for her.

  “Ms. Hayden,” Mr. Wallard began, “We have all been in this situation before. You know how this works. We are going to ask you some questions; you will answer them honestly and to the best of your ability. If you need clarification, you need only ask.”

  “Is there anything you wish to say before we get started?” Mrs. Nell asked quietly.

  Sarah shook her head. Still watching the floor.

  “Ok, then, let’s begin. State your name for the record.”

  “Sarah Jane Hayden, inmate number 665874,” Sarah replied.

  “Ms. Hayden,” Mr. Wallard asked, “Do you understand why you are in prison?”

  “Yes Sir,” she replied.

  “And are you aware of the seriousness of your crime?”

  “Yes Sir,” she said again. Jon squeezed her hand.

  “Ms. Hayden, would you please describe your crime for us?” Mrs. Nell asked.

  Sarah lifted her head and looked them all straight in the eyes. “I killed a man.”

  “What reason do you have for killing him?” Mr. Johnson asked.

  Sarah took a deep breath. She faced Mr. Johnson and said, “I killed him because he was an awful person. He tortured me and my son on a regular basis with various types of abuse, including but not limited to verbal and physical abuse. He was a drunk and a mean soul. When he admitted to me that he killed my son, I took his life as payment.” It was the same answer Sarah had given time and time again.

  “Ms. Hayden,” Mrs. Nell said, “I know that you claim to have premeditated this crime. I know that you say you would have done it again. Has anything changed since we last met?”

  There it was. The question Jon had been dreading. This was the part where Sarah told them that she wasn’t sorry and that she would do it again if given the chance. The part where Sarah denied herself parole. Jon let his head drop.

  “Yes,” Sarah said. Jon’s head snapped up and he looked at her. Yes?

  “How so?” Mrs. Nell asked with a raised, curious brow.

  “I know what I did was wrong,” Sarah said. She was making eye contact and had her head held high. “I know that it is never ok to take someone’s life. No matter what kind of monster they are. I know that what I did was the result of years of abuse, topped off by the death of my only son. I know that I shouldn’t have done it.”

  Jon could only sit there and stare at her with his mouth open. She was going to do it! She was going to take parole!

  “And if given the chance, would you change what you did?”

  “I would call the police. I would turn him in and let him sit in prison for the rest of his life. I would let him live with the knowledge of what he had done.”

  “Sarah,” Mr. Johnson said, her tone very serious, “Do you think that you are a risk to society? What I mean to say is do you believe you will kill again?”

  Sarah’s reply was barely more than a whisper, “I have no reason to harm anyone ever again.”

  The three members of the board bent their heads together and whispered amongst themselves for a minute. Then, Mrs. Nell looked at Sarah with a satisfied smile. “Ms. Hayden, it is our decision that you have shown sufficient remorse for your crime. You have shown us that you have grown as a person since your time here began. We do not believe that you are a threat to society.

  “We believe that you are an excellent candidate for parole, and it is the decision of this board that you shall be granted parole.

  “You will be assigned an officer to report to, as well as counseling for PTS. These are conditions of your release and are non-negotiable. Do you accept these terms?”

  “Yes,” Sarah said. Her eyes had become fascinated with the floor once again.

  “Very well, then. You will receive your release papers in seven days time,”

  Mr. Wallard added. “You will be given the name of your parole officer and contact information, as well as the facility in which you will report for counseling. You must contact your officer within seven days of your release and the counseling center within fourteen days of your release. I feel the need to express to you that failure to do so will result in your parole being revoked and your return to prison. Do you understand?”

  “Yes Sir.”

  “Then it is settled. Ms. Hayden, we wish you all the luck and hope you live a long, prosperous life,” Mrs. Nell said. “Good luck and God be with you for always.”

  “Thank you,” Sarah said. She remained seated while the board members exited the room, leaving her alone with Jon.

  “Wow,” he said.

  “Yeah,” she replied.

  “Sarah,” he began.

  “Don’t,” Sarah said. “Just don’t.” She stood up and walked out of the room. Most likely to return to her cell. Jon followed.

  “Sarah, where are you going?”

  “Back to my cell,” she answered.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” she said with a sad smile. “Everything is as it should be.”

  “No, it’s not. You should be thrilled. Instead, you look like your dog died. Talk to me,” Jon pleaded.

  “Jon, you have been great. Thank you for all you’ve done for me. Maybe one day I’ll be able to repay you for your kindness.” Sarah started walking again.

  Jon grabbed her elbow and spun her around to face him. “Why are you sad?”

  “I don’t know,” she replied. “Look, I just want to be alone now.” This time, when she turned and walked away, Jon let her go. He didn’t pretend to understand why she felt the way she did, but he did know her well enough to know that pushing her would only piss her off. So he watched as she walked slowly back to her cell.

  She would be free. Jon knew that she would do what she had always wanted to do and finish her book. She would make it as an author. She would have the life that William had stolen from her. Maybe she would even find someone to have a family with again.

  Jon wanted to follow her, to make plans with her. To celebrate. But he didn’t. She told him that she wanted to be alone. The truth was, she didn’t need him anymore. She was walking away and into her new life. Without Jon. He missed her already. The truth of the matter cut like a knife through his heart and he fought the moisture that was gathering in his eyes.

  FOURTEEN

  The day had finally arrived. Sarah was being released from prison. Jon tucked his shirt in and tightened his belt. If he was going to make it there in time, he was going to have to hurry. He didn’t want her waiting for even a minute when they opened the doors that would lead her to freedom. He wanted to be there to take her home. Wherever she decided that was.

  He would take her to her sister’s house. Or a hotel. Or hell, his house if that’s what she wanted. He hoped it was. He had a message for her from Jenny. And h
e was just dying to talk to her.

  Jon made the drive to the prison in record time, only breaking a few traffic laws on the way. When he got there, it was seven oh five. Only five minutes late. The way the system worked, nobody got out at seven on the dot. He parked his car and ran to the entrance.

  “Can I help you?” the petite woman behind the glass asked him.

  “I’m here to pick up Sarah Hayden, she’s being released today.” He said it with a grin, unable to contain his happiness.

  “Let me see,” the woman said, shifting through some papers. Then, she turned her attention to her computer screen. Jon tried to wait patiently, but he found himself shifting from one foot to the other while she ticked away at her keypad. After what seemed like an eternity, she finally spoke. “It appears that Ms. Hayden was released already,” she said.

  “When?” Jon asked.

  “Says here, um, yeah, she signed her papers at six fifteen this morning. She has already left.”

  Jon felt the blood drain from his face. She was already gone. She hadn’t waited for him. Not that she would have known to. He hadn’t told her that he would be there. He just assumed that she knew. But he knew what they said about people who assumed…

  “Do you know where she went?” he snapped at the deputy.

  “Nope, sorry,” she answered. Jon growled, actually growled like pissed bulldog. He turned on his heel and abruptly exited the building. He power walked to his car and dug out his cell phone.

  “Hello?” Mary’s voice answered.

  “Is she with you?” he snapped into the receiver.

  “Who?”

  “Sarah, damn it.”

  “Oh my god! Jon, what’s happened? Did she escape?”

  “No, she got parole. Didn’t she tell you?”

  “No, the only thing I got is that letter she wrote me. She didn’t say anything about parole. She was released?”

  “Yes, this morning,” Jon said. “I came to pick her up but she’s already gone.”

  “Did she know you were picking her up?”

  “No, I wanted to surprise her.”

  “Guess the surprise is on you,” Mary said. “So did she tell you where she was going to stay?”

  “Nope.”

  “Don’t worry, we’ll find her. She probably just went to be alone for a bit. She will turn up. She’ll call one of us,” Mary assured him. Jon hoped so. He knew that she didn’t need him anymore, but he thought that they had a friendship. He was hurt that she would leave without even saying goodbye. He was worried about her being on her own.

  Two weeks passed without a word from Sarah. Not a peep. Not a phone call to say ‘hey, I’m alive,’ not a letter. Not a line to say, “Thanks for all your trouble but now I don’t need you so go to hell.” Nothing. The only thing that soothed his hurt male ego was that Mary hadn’t heard from her, either.

  Jon had pulled some strings and was able to find out the name of her parole officer. When Jon called him, all he could tell Jon was that Sarah had checked in with him and that she seemed to be adjusting. He wouldn’t say where she was staying or how to get in touch with her.

  Jon finally broke down and called Jenny. “I don’t know what to say, she just disappeared. I don’t know how to get you her manuscript,” he told her.

  “Oh, I got it already,” Jenny said. “Sarah sent it to me the other day. She’s been emailing me new chapters every couple of days. I can’t wait to read the ending.”

  So she had been in contact with Jenny. It hurt more than it should to know that she was ignoring him. “I see,” was all Jon could say.

  “Don’t worry,” Jenny continued. “I’ll take good care of her.”

  “I know you will,” he said.

  “What is it, Jon?” Jenny asked.

  “Nothing.”

  “Why do you bother trying to lie to me? You know I can tell. Something is bothering you, so, spill it.”

  “I don’t know, I just… Well, I guess it bothers me that she hasn’t tried to contact me.”

  “Did you expect her to?”

  “Yeah, I guess I did,” Jon admitted.

  “Why don’t you just stop by and see her?”

  “Would if I knew where she was,” Jon said.

  “You don’t have her address?”

  “No.”

  “I can’t give it to you, Jon,” Jenny said apologetically. “I would if I could, but it’s against the rules.”

  “I know. I don’t even understand why it matters,” Jon mumbled.

  “Of course it matters!” Jenny hollered into the phone. “You love her; it should irk you that you can’t find her.”

  “I don’t love..,”

  “Yeah, you do.” Jenny used her no-nonsense voice on him. He hated when she did that. “You are so blindly in love with that woman that you can’t see the truth staring you in the face. You sit there at your house, brooding, wondering why she hasn’t called. It’s really kind of pathetic.”

  “Hey!”

  “I’m just saying…If you want to talk to her, find her.”

  “I’ve tried!”

  “Well, then I hope for the sake of both of you that she comes to her senses and calls you. It tears me up knowing you’re hurting.”

  “I’m not hurting,” Jon lied.

  “Yeah, whatever.”

  Sarah stared blankly at her computer screen. For the fifth time in so many days she was trying to write. But the words wouldn’t come.

  After her release, Sarah had used the money in her savings account to rent a small, furnished apartment, and to buy a cheap computer. When she wasn’t trying to write, she was looking for a job. The entire process was every bit as hard as she feared it would be, but she wouldn’t ask for help.

  She had applied everywhere that was accepting applications. Every fast food joint, every department store, every want ad in the newspaper got her attention. There were places that were hiring, but not many would even consider her after they saw that she was a felon. Especially not after they saw her charges.

  But Sarah persevered. There had to be someone out there, anyone, who would give her a chance to prove that she was worthy of another chance at life.

  Not only did she have to prove it to the world, Sarah had to prove to herself that she could make it on her own. She had to prove to everyone else that she didn’t need anyone. Too bad it was a lie. She couldn’t say how many times she had picked up her pre-paid cell phone and considered dialing Jon’s number. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. He had spent so much of his time and resources on her that Sarah doubted she would ever be able to repay him. At the very least, she owed it to him to make it on her own. He was finally free of her; finally he could live his life without her interference. He deserved so much better than her.

  But she missed him. She missed his smile, the way he looked at her with raised brows when she said or did something that didn’t make sense to him. The way his eyes sparkled when he laughed. She missed the way his strong arms felt around her when she cried. She wanted to run into those arms again.

  But that wouldn’t do. Sarah couldn’t burden him anymore. She wouldn’t do it.

  So she stared at her screen, hoping the ending to her story would come to her. She had written all she could, ending with her release from prison. But it was a sucky ending. Unsatisfying. Crap. That’s exactly what it was. Stinky, poo crap.

  Sarah stood up from her chair and stalked out of her bedroom. The only way her story would have a decent ending was if something drastic changed in her life for the better. Too bad that wasn’t likely to happen.

  FIFTEEN

  A month after Sarah’s release and Jon still hadn’t heard from her. He was twisted up in knots over her. He was pathetic in his attempts to gain any useful information about her. He had been reduced to checking with her parole officer, who wouldn’t tell him anything other than she seemed to be doing well. And of course, there was Jenny. She would tell Jon as much as she could, but wouldn’t give him the inf
ormation he needed to contact her.

  But Jenny had told him something interesting. Sarah told her that she didn’t want to burden Jon anymore than she already had. Of course, Jenny had urged her to call him, but didn’t tell her that Jon was pining for her like a smitten teenager.