TNT

by Lagomarsino, Giulia

  “Get her out of there,” I snapped.

  “You want me to drag her out of there?”

  “Do whatever you have to do. I don’t want her there with some asshat.”

  “So, does this mean that you’re taking her back?”

  “Fuck, I don’t know. I just know that she’s too trusting. She’s probably picking up a stray.”

  “Sure,” he snorted. “Tell yourself that you’re protecting her.”

  “I am protecting her,” I insisted.

  “Right,” he snorted again. “Yeah, I’ll go get her for you, but you owe me dinner. I was just about to get something for Becky and Kayla. They’re going to be pissed when I show up empty handed.”

  I winced, feeling slightly bad that I was interfering with his night, but I needed to get Molly out of the clutches of that man.

  “I’ll ask Susan to make something,” I promised. “Just take her home and make her promise not to let in any strangers.”

  “Got it, man.”

  “Or let in the homeless,” I added quickly.

  “Yeah, I got it.”

  “And for the love of God, tell her not to make any more food. She’s gonna kill someone one day with her cooking.”

  “Okay, I got it. Can I go now?”

  “Yeah,” I grumbled, before remembering one last thing. “Oh, hey!”

  “Yeah?” he sighed.

  “Just…you know, she’s too nice, so you’re gonna have to physically remove her from there.”

  “Are you sure you’re not in love with this chick?” he asked right before he hung up.

  Something flickered through my mind and I grasped onto it.

  I sat drunkenly at the table with the woman with the mesmerizing eyes. She had been smiling at me the whole time I sat here and rambled on. I was pretty sure that she knew I was wasted, but she never shoved me away. She was so sweet, way too good for a fuckhead like me. I messed up big time with Delaney, and if this woman knew that, she would be running in the other direction.

  “You shouldn’t be sitting here with me,” I warned her. “I’m not a good person.”

  “Why would you say that?”

  My head tilted to the side. At this point, I was barely able to hold my head up on my own. It felt so damn heavy. “Because I hurt people. Good people.”

  Her frown was way too sympathetic for my liking. She should be smiling all the time, and it definitely shouldn’t be aimed in my direction.

  “You know, we all hurt people and we don’t mean to.”

  “You’d never do that,” I grumbled. “You’re too sweet.”

  “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

  I stared into those eyes and I knew without a doubt that I was right. This woman was it. She was the epitome of what every man dreamed of. Well, she was what I dreamed of. Delaney was great, but she was too damn much for a man like me. She was outspoken and ran ahead full force in life, not caring at all if she bowled over anyone in her path. And that made her the perfect woman for someone else, but not for me. She was great in bed, but just not who I was meant to be with.

  I hung my head as those thoughts that I tried to banish snuck in again. I just wanted one fucking night where I wasn’t plagued by thoughts of Delaney and how I let her down. And I was here with this beautiful, sweet woman that had the ability to steal my fucking heart in an instant. I would lay it all on the line for a shot with a woman like this. That is, if I could find it in my blackened soul to forgive myself. Deep down, I knew that there was nothing I could have done. Sometimes fate was a bitch and stepped in, having her way and leaving those behind completely devastated. Except, I wasn’t devastated that I lost Delaney. I was devastated that I hadn’t protected her. That was my job. I was a fucking Marine. I went into the danger and broke down the doors. I was the first man in the line of fire. I was the one that laid my life on the line for others. But I hadn’t done that the night Delaney died, and it shredded me inside to know that I had successfully done my job while I was in the Marines, and completely failed once I was back in real life.

  “You’re thinking a lot over there,” Molly said, her sweet eyes searing through me.

  “I’m thinking that I failed miserably,” I slurred. “But I would never fail you.”

  “I believe you.” She said it with so much sincerity that I actually felt it deep in my heart. This woman didn’t lie. She truly felt that I was redeemable.

  “How can you be sure?”

  “Because you’re a good man.” She reached across the table and held onto my hand. I stared at our intertwined fingers and swallowed hard before looking back up at her. “The thing is, we can’t always be at our best. We have good days and bad days. Sometimes we make decisions that affect us for the rest of our lives. But Tony, you can’t let those decisions determine who you are now. You have to fight to be the man you should be and can be.”

  “And what if I can’t do that?”

  She smiled a little, her face lighting up as she spoke. “You can. You just have to believe in yourself. I’ve only been sitting here for a few hours with you, but I’m already certain that you’re not only a good man, but an honorable one that would do whatever you could to protect and care for those close to you.”

  “You don’t know what I did.”

  “So tell me.”

  And I did. I spilled every detail of that night, letting her in on my darkest secrets. I told her how I had been distracted with thoughts of getting my dick wet, and I had been in a rush to get to work and back to Delaney. I told her that after she died, I couldn’t stand to be near anyone because I was so angry with myself. I hated myself and didn’t think I deserved to be around anyone. And then I told her how I had lied to Delaney’s parents and led them to believe I loved Delaney, because it was what they needed to hear. And when I had told her all that and she still hadn’t run away, I told her the worst of it, that I just wanted to live my life and I was tired of pretending for everyone.

  “So, you think people would judge you for wanting to move on with your life?”

  “I think they would all be pissed that it just happened and I was moving on.”

  She stared at me for a moment like she was waiting for something, but I didn’t know what.

  “Just say it,” I snapped.

  “You just say it. Whatever it is, just say it. I’m not judging.”

  “Fine, you want me to say it?” She nodded. “Alright, I’m over it. I feel like shit and I blame myself for what happened with Delaney. I still have doubts and I still could kick my own ass for not being there when she needed me, but I know that it could have happened to anyone. I’m not stupid. And I just want everyone to stop walking around like I’m broken. They joke around with me, but the looks they give me, it’s like they pity me for losing the love of my life, and that’s just not true. I’m over what happened with her, even if I’m not over the part I played in her death. I just want to be left the fuck alone to move on.”

  I waited for it. Any second now, she would get up and call me a monster. She would tell me that it should have been me that died. She would tell me that I’m lucky I still have friends.

  “Do you feel better?”

  I looked at her in confusion. “What?”

  “I bet it feels good to get that off your chest.”

  I nodded slightly, not sure where she was going with this. Was she about to lose her shit on me? I would deserve it and so much more. But instead, her eyes twinkled and her hand tightened on mine.

  “Good. Don’t forget that.”

  “Forget what exactly?”

  “The weight that’s just been lifted from your chest. I didn’t know Delaney, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want you walking around with all that guilt. Don’t be sad for her. She’s not in pain anymore. She’s someplace far better now. She’s probably up in heaven, smiling down on everyone and happy that you finally see it.”

  “You think?” I asked around my clogged throat.

  “I’m posi
tive. Only a person worthy of a man like you would want you to be happy when she was gone. If she wasn’t that kind of person, you wouldn’t have been with her, right?”

  I guessed she was right, but I had never thought of it that way.

  “Come on,” she said, standing and grabbing her purse. “Let’s go back to my place.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  I was still pretty drunk, and great listener or not, I knew she deserved better than what I could give her tonight. I stood up, holding my breath as she stepped into my space. God, I wanted to go home with her. I didn’t care if we slept together or not. I just didn’t want to leave her yet.

  “I’m positive.” Her hand slipped around my neck and she pulled me in close. Sparks flew through me as her lips connected with mine. I knew in that second that she was meant for me. There was no way that I could feel this kind of connection with her and have it mean nothing. She was mine to take care of and keep for the rest of my life.

  ✯✯✯✯✯

  “You okay, man?” Storm asked as he walked up to me.

  I had been sitting in the living room, staring at the wall for the last half hour. I was trying to figure out what everything meant that I now remembered. Had it all been real? What if I was just dreaming all that, like I fell asleep in the middle of the day and my subconscious was playing tricks on me? That could happen, right?

  “Yo, Tacos, are you okay?”

  “Uh, yeah, sure. I just…I remembered my first night with Molly.”

  “Yeah?” he grinned. “Was she good?” I shook my head slowly and his face fell. “She wasn’t good?”

  “I don’t think we slept together.”

  “Wait, are you meaning to tell me that you went home with a woman, didn’t sleep with her, and still managed to have her stalk you?”

  It was unbelievable and crazy, but I was pretty sure that was exactly what had happened. “Yeah, I think that pretty much sums it up.”

  “Well, what did you remember?”

  He sat down across from me, staring at me and waiting for me to spill everything.

  “I…I’m pretty sure that she just talked to me and-” I stood and paced the room. There was no way that what happened in my head happened in real life. It was just too unbelievable.

  “Just talked to you?”

  “Is it possible- I mean, do you believe in love at first sight?”

  He sat back in his chair, looking at me intently. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, and it was driving me crazy. Hell, I was going crazy. I just needed someone to tell me that stuff like this really did happen.

  “You think you fell in love with her that night?”

  “Yes. Maybe. Hell, I don’t know. I know there was a connection, and it was fucking insane.”

  “And then you just forgot that connection and didn’t feel it again,” he deadpanned.

  “Well, sort of. I mean, I was talking to Coop and he said something about love, and then suddenly, it just came back to me. And I felt it. It was so fucking strong. There was definitely something explosive there.”

  “At the bar. Where you were drunk and talking about your dead girlfriend.”

  “Look, I know it sounds insane-”

  “No, you sound insane. I could maybe see this happening with one of the other guys. But you? You just lost Delaney and then two fucking months later, you magically find your soulmate?”

  “I didn’t say soulmate,” I corrected.

  “No, the love of your life. And you knew it just by looking at her. Do you know how insane that sounds?”

  The door opened and Coop walked through. “Your woman is expecting a call from you.”

  “She’s not his woman,” Storm interjected. “She’s the love of his life.”

  “Really,” Coop said, eyeing me curiously. “Just like that. Twenty minutes ago, you didn’t know what this chick was to you.”

  “Well, now I know,” I huffed out.

  “He remembered her.”

  “Really?” Coop said. “So, what happened? Was she that good?”

  “It wasn’t about sex!”

  “Then what was it about?”

  “It was…” I was grasping at straws here, trying to find a way to explain this to them. “Okay, you feel it with Becky, right?”

  “Yeah,” he said grudgingly.

  “Like you know that she’ll change your world.”

  “What about me and Jessica?” Storm asked.

  I waved him off. “You’ll be lucky if you’re still fucking her at the end of the year.”

  “Hey!”

  “Everyone knows it,” I snapped. “You’re all weird with her, and you sent her to an asylum.”

  “That is not what happened-”

  “Can we get back to Tacos-”

  “TNT,” I corrected.

  He rolled his eyes at me. “TNT. Can we get back to how you suddenly fell out of whatever it was with Delaney and now you’ve found the person you intend on spending the rest of your life with?”

  “Uh…” Storm started to interrupt, but seemed to not know what to say.

  “Look, Delaney was a nice woman. I really liked spending time with her, but we had nothing more than sex.”

  “Give yourself time,” Coop started, but I’d had enough of being told how I was feeling or how I should deal with this.

  “I think we might have this backwards,” Storm said to Coop.

  “What? Delaney wasn’t a nice woman?” Coop asked in confusion.

  “No,” I cut him off. “I don’t need time. I’m not over here hurting because I lost my girlfriend. I’m not struggling to cope and using Molly as a rebound. I’m telling you that Delaney and I had nothing more than sex. We both knew it.”

  “Wow, talk about harsh.”

  “I think what he’s trying to say is that Delaney was this really wonderful person, but they weren’t dating,” Storm cut in.

  “No, he’s fucking saying that he was her fuck buddy and he doesn’t give a shit that she died.”

  “No, I think-”

  Storm seemed to get it and was trying to help, but I couldn’t figure out how he suddenly understood.

  “That’s not at all what I’m saying, fucker,” I snapped. “You think that because you have this amazing thing with Becky, that it should have been the same with me and Delaney. But that’s not the way it was between us. What if that’s what this is with Molly? What if she’s my Becky? Don’t I fucking deserve the opportunity to have that?”

  “You do, but not five seconds after your previous girlfriend died,” Coop snapped back.

  “She wasn’t my girlfriend! And why the fuck can’t I have that right now? Look, if you were sleeping with someone and then one day she was gone, does that mean that a few months later you couldn’t meet the one you were meant to be with?”

  “This is a little different,” Coop said.

  “No, it’s really not. I feel guilt, but that’s all I feel. I knew her for a few weeks. It’s not like we were together for a year. I spent some time with her and we fucked. I know that sounds harsh, but that’s the way I feel.”

  You could have heard a pin drop. Coop was deadly silent and Storm was pretending to whistle as he looked at the ceiling.

  “Wait, so all this time, you weren’t mourning Delaney?” Coop asked.

  “No. I was pissed at myself for not protecting her.”

  “But we all thought…” Coop was lost. I could see that in his mind, he just couldn’t connect the dots.

  “I know what you all thought, and I tried to tell you, but no one wanted to listen. And I didn’t try very hard because it was exhausting, and I didn’t want everyone hating me.”

  “Why would we hate you?” Storm asked.

  “Because it made me look like a fucking jackass, to be with her and not…not care that she was gone.”

  “I doubt you didn’t care that she’s gone,” Storm said. “I saw you that night. You were a fucking wreck.”

  I sighed. I was s
o fucking tired of it all. I was tired of talking about it and thinking about it. I was tired of that one thing defining me. It was as if that was all anyone would think of when they saw me. And now that I knew what I really had with Molly, I just wanted to run to her and claim what I fucking knew was mine.

  “I know what happened was terrible, but I’m tired of thinking about it and agonizing over everything I could have done differently. The fact is, Delaney’s gone and nothing I say or do will bring her back. But I’ve got Molly, and I’ve finally figured out what I want with her. I can’t spend another minute worrying about the part I played in Delaney’s death. It’ll fucking kill me. Molly is life for me, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit around here for one more minute and pine away for a woman I never wanted to begin with!”

  Storm slugged me in the shoulder and winked at me. I’m gonna be honest, it was a little creepy. Coop sighed, shaking his head slightly. “I just can’t believe I didn’t see it. I mean, when we were out with you guys, you seemed-”

  “It was just a good time.”

  He nodded. “So…what the fuck are you still doing here?” I glared at him, but he just chuckled. “Go get her.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Molly

  After that very weird encounter with Coop at the diner, he brought me home and told me to stay there. There was also this really weird list of rules, like no letting anyone in my apartment, no talking to strangers, no calling random people, and that I had to check the peephole before I opened the door. Wasn’t that all common sense? I mean, sure I let people into my apartment before, but they were all really nice people, and I had a sixth sense about people.

  I waited around for about an hour, wondering why I was being banished to my apartment. I didn’t do well with just sitting around, so I went to the kitchen and decided to make a cake. I had never made one before, but it couldn’t be that hard. I found a recipe on my phone and got to work on mixing the ingredients in my mixer. Except, I forgot to put the guard on and flour shot up at me, covering my face, hair, and most of my chest with flour.