Monkeys Wearing Pants
Page 6
I have a friend who hates the font ‘Comic Sans’ to the point that it makes him angry. Ironic.
No, I didn’t roll a 300 in bowling, find a 4-leaf-clover, make a hole in one or win the lottery. But I did find ALL THREE REMOTES in the remote caddie at the same time next to the TV. Luckiest day ever!
I'm going to lock my shoelaces in a room until they can work out their differences and agree that they can be the same length coming out of my shoe.
Kid behind the counter: What would you like?
Me: I'll have a number three, regular size with Diet Coke, to go.
Kid behind the counter: What size?
Me: Umm....yeah, that would be regular.
Kid behind the counter: And what would you like to drink?
Me: Still a Diet Coke.
Kid behind the counter: Is that for here or to go?
Me: Wow. To go.
I take it back. A few people really should earn minimum wage.
When did we become so flavor obsessed? I went to buy some sunflower seeds and was amazed at how many different flavors there are (dill pickle?). You can now buy toothpaste that tastes like pork, or Champagne or even Cola-cola. You can get buffalo wing soda, ice-cream that is a whacky flavor mix of bourbon and cornflakes and jelly beans that taste just like baby wipes. I have been slow to jump on the crazy flavor bang wagon, but that may change with my recent purchase of vindaloo hot curry suppositories. Stay tuned!
The other day I had to pull the word “caddywhompus” out of my vocabulary arsenal. It wasn’t pretty, but it had to be done.
Please join me as we search for the elusive Roku remote. The Roku remote once numbered at least four in the regions known as the living room, dining room and the master bedroom, but the encroachment of mischievous children has reduced that number to two and they are seldom seen. Sadly, these once majestic remotes now face extinction (or yet another $14.99 to replace).
It’s amazing how fast we can clean the whole house when people call from out of town to say they will be stopping by to visit. What! There's a floor under there?
So I promoted someone at work to be a supervisor in another city. She's having a hard time finding a new place to move because of her two pit bulls. She might as well be asking perspective landlords if the places she’s interested in have enough good air flow to make good crystal meth labs.
I'm still not sure if there is a God, but I'm starting to spell it with a capital 'G' just in case.
What's with all of the "One weird old tip/trick/method" online ads today? Hey guys, we're on to you!
Seriously, how long do these Mylar balloons last? One just floated by and scared the living crap out of me. It seems that we always have a couple of them floating around the house at any given time, like ghosts. I’m going back to the regular balloons that float around for the day and then die peacefully in their sleep that night.
I'm pretty sure my seat belt is trying to kill me.
Pet peeve #1: People who speed in mini-vans. I mean really, that’s such an oxymoron. Now, if you want to speed I don’t have a problem with that. But in a mini-van? Seriously? That’s like shoplifting at the Dollar Store. A ’98 Ford Windstar coming up fast in the rearview mirror does not strike fear in the hearts of anyone. Chicks are not lining up to meet the guy in the Honda Odyssey who just hit 87 MPH going down the backslide of the Grapevine coming into LA. Buy a Scion and wrap yourself around a light pole like everybody else.
Pet Peeve #2: People who talk on their cell phones in a public restroom. Actually, I don’t really care where people use their cell phones. I just don’t understand the sense of urgency (of going to the bathroom yes…of talking on the cell phone, no). Besides, do you ever listen to those conversations (like you have a choice)? “Huh? What? Who me? Nothing man. I’m just sitting here in the bathroom in Costco trying to decide between the Chicken Bake and the hot dog combo”. It’s not like someone is calling you with the winner in fourth race.
THE END
You can contact Jon at monkeyswearingpants2013@gmail.com
Copyright 2013 Jon Waldrep