All is Lost (All Series, Book 2)

by Marie Wathen

  “Hon, I'm sorry you had to hear all that mess with my son.” He offers a small smile. “I'm glad you came all the way down here to see Tristan. Anna hasn't left his side since they brought him in last night. Shoot, none of us have. Come on lets go see our boy.” He takes my hand and I pause briefly until he yanks it, forcing me along. Just before entering, Granddad glances over his shoulder. “I better tell you it ain't good. He looks like hell, but we have hope and his grandmother hasn't stopped praying. Tristan is tough as nails but…well, just prepare yourself darling.”

  I begin to tremble and a wave of nausea punches my gut. My natural instincts are screaming for me to get the hell out of here now. Granddad’s grip tightens as if he can sense my inner turmoil. I work on my breathing techniques and reach into my mind for something that Marcus told me during my jujitsu training.

  Remember to remain calm and don't let your mind stray from the situation at hand. Stay in the moment.

  Abiding by his instruction, I refuse to let my mind get the better of me by thinking the worst. I always assume the worst will happen. Because it usually does, negativity rears its ugly head. Remembering that I am not that person anymore, I instantly force away my pessimistic thought. Now that this terrible thing has happened I must be strong for all of them. Tristan, Anna, Marcus, Morgan...all of the Walkers. God, if you're listening, fill me with the strength to get through this…for them.

  Chapter Five

  Breesan

  The front wall of Tristan's hospital room is all glass with a pale yellow curtain that runs the full span, obstructing our view of what is happening inside. Shoving open the door, Granddad grips my hand tightly, pausing briefly to allow my acclimation. My senses are assaulted once the door closes. A hauntingly familiar beep taunts me. A god awful smell almost like burning flesh mixed with iron crawls inside my nose and mouth. I bite back on the gagging, forcing its way up my throat. A wave of anxiety pushes its way through me and my body tenses. I reflectively squeeze Granddad's hand through my turmoil and he takes it as a sign of encouragement, pulling me deeper into the room. Avoiding the imposing bed in the center, I scan the familiar faces and see they are all distraught, worn and tear stained.

  Rising out of the beige recliner standing with her arms open, Tristan's Gran greets me first. Not personally comfortable with this type of contact with anyone, I hesitate but see the determination etched in her forehead and frown lines surrounding her eyes. I have resolved to be strong for them so this is my first test. I step into her embrace and she cradles me, moving our bodies in a twisting motion. She makes a shushing sound, but I’m not crying so it's more for her than me. Soon I am passed over to Gretchen, who holds me in the same manner.

  “Breesan thank you for coming down to the hospital.” Gretchen whispers, pulling my hair from my shoulders, a sweet motherly gesture. “I was worried when I didn't see you last night, but Officer Monroe explained that you remained behind to assist with the investigation. I am so grateful to you for that.” She pauses attempting to keep her composure. “Dad spoke with the Sheriff late last night and assures us that his department is doing everything they can to catch the men that did this to our Tristan. It's all so surreal. I can’t believe my baby was shot.” Sniffing softly, she faces her son’s bed and a sad solitary tear slips down her cheek.

  I hear Anna's breathing hitch several times while Gretchen is speaking to me, but I don’t look at her. I know she is sitting there next to him, just as she had done when I was in the hospital after someone overdosed me on Ryske. Slowly, Gretchen pulls away from me, but keeps my hand tucked tightly in hers. I look at her and see fear marring her exquisite beauty. She offers me a half-smile then releases her hold completely. Anna is much closer than I anticipate when I turn around. She rushes over and grabs me, crying immediately. I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting back against my own broken heart. My whole body trembles, a result of her breakdown. With a trembling hand, I smooth her hair down in the back. Her long, blonde hair is a mess and I can see red splattered throughout it. I cringe noticing that the side she used as a shield for Tristan holds the most blood. In fact that whole side of her body is covered in it. She pulls away from our embrace, partially turning us toward his bed.

  My eyes immediately drop down and the first things I see are his fingers. There is a large clip with a wire running from it clamped to his middle finger. I allow my gaze to travel up his arm, noticing another tether in the bend of his arm where a clear liquid is dripping into a vein. A stabbing pain hits me deep in my chest and I clutch my hand over the spot while continuing to focus on my breathing.

  “He can hear us, you know?” Anna says. “That's what the doctor told me.” Trembling visibly, her whisper is barely audible. I chance a quick glance at her, but she doesn't notice. Her eyes are fixed lovingly on Tristan. With a sweet smile, she continues, “I've been talking about us, and school. We have all laughed about what happened last football season. Remember when Tristan broke every school record before midseason? There was that one obnoxious parent’s group, from several of the opposing teams who banned together demanding that he be tested for enhancement drugs.” I smirk knowing he would never touch the shit, and she adds, “As if, my perfect Tristan would ever do something so stupid to his body.”

  Chuckling loudly at Anna's defensiveness, Granddad grabs and hugs her tenderly. Then he invites Gran and Gretchen out for coffee leaving us alone with Tristan. I can't do this, I am freaking out mentally. Realization that Tristan is lying in this bed, so close to death and could go at any minute hits me like a slap to the face. This type of connection with Anna and Tristan is way more than anything I've ever allowed myself to experience with anyone.

  Clutching my hand against my chest, I grasp that they are so very important to me and this shit hurts. Their love is so exceptional and seeing their suffering is enough to make me stop being so self-centered. Loving me for so many years without my reciprocation, they have never known how much I actually care for them.

  Because I was too selfish to tell them, I remind myself.

  “Take your time, Breesan.” Returning to her seat, Anna leaves me hovering next to Tristan. Averting my eyes again to his fingers, I carefully brush mine over them. They are so cold. A natural instinct in me wants to wrap them in mine, allowing my body heat to warm them. Fighting the urge for long enough, I finally look at him, but just before my eyes lands on his face, Anna speaks.

  “He loves you.”

  A harsh, stinging pain begins behind my closed eyes. Opening them again, I slowly lift my face to look at her. This pain is too much and unstoppable, heavy tears burst forth. My body racks with hard sobs. Dropping onto my knees, I grip Tristan’s hand and place my forehead tenderly to it. Moving quickly from her seat, Anna wraps her arms around me, providing selfless comfort while hushing my cries.

  Speaking through my tears, my words falter. “I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry. Please, please, please…just don't go. I need–I...” Gasping for breath, my cries become hiccups and I can no longer speak.

  “Breesan, it's okay.” Sweet, wonderful Anna continues comforting me. “Tristan is going to get better. Nothing is going to happen to him. Do you hear me?” Steadfast in her beliefs, she is declaring it so.

  Simply signally with an ambiguous head bob, I accept her words, needing to believe that I won't lose him, but I am so scared that because I do love him it is exactly what will happen. I desperately want to tell him that I need him and Anna too. They both deserve so much more than I have given them over the years. Selfishly denying their friendship for so long, I'm literally on my knees begging for one more chance.

  Needing everything between us to be alright, I decide they deserve to know everything. I love them and I always have. A long time ago I was a scared little girl who lost all hope when my dad didn’t return home from war. Then Julia cruelly kept me away from everyone, especially Tristan and Anna.

  Lonely and broken, the only thing I knew was I had to keep my heart safe; but truthfully, these two
loving people have always had my heart and with them was the safest place for it. While going through my own personal hell they were the last remaining people who loved me and didn’t leave me behind. I refused to accept their love…until now, when it may be too late.

  Facing down my biggest fear, I begin praying for forgiveness, acceptance and love. This is not a wordless prayer you keep to yourself, or a soft prayer whispered under your breath that causes someone else in the room to stay silent out of respect. No, this is a loud, demanding plea that lasts for a long time. Anna's whispered prayers mirror mine. Neither of us can bear to lose him so we are not going to let Tristan go without a fight. Our only weapon at this point is prayer. Giving everything I have into this appeal, I beseech God for one more chance with them.

  Anna and I stay in our embrace, huddled on the floor at the edge of Tristan’s bed for a long time. My breathing slows to a deep hitching. My face is flushed and swollen. Finally swallowing down every bit of my anxiety, I lift my eyes to Tristan. It is bad. Tears roll down my cheeks as I see all of the swelling and bruising marking his beautiful face. There are blood soaked bandages around his head and randomly lying on the floor near the head of his bed. My heart breaks for his suffering. If only there was something more that I could do to help him or Anna, I would sacrifice everything.

  My chest heaves with broken cries after long minutes of staring at the one man who has loved me since my father’s disappearance. Still clinging to Anna mostly because I’m afraid to let her go, I finally really look at her and notice that she is still wearing the party dress from last night. It is drenched in Tristan's blood and smeared with dirt from lying on the ground while she cradled him to her body.

  She hasn't been home or showered. That's what I can do for her.

  “Anna, I think you and I need a break. I know you want to stay right here and believe me so do I, but…” I pause judging her body language.

  How can I approach her in this situation? I'm usually spot–on with her since I've known her for so long and learned her tell-tale signs. Noticing the differences in her since I came into the room, I decide her strength is renewed with me being here so I just say what I want to do.

  “I'm taking you home to get a shower and clean clothes. Then we’re going to get some real food, not the crap they try to pass off as food in this hospital.” Her body shifts away from me and she pierces me with a defiant stare, but I continue. “You don't have to stay away any longer than it takes to do those things. I'll bring you back soon. I promise.”

  I've never made a promise to her or anyone other than my dad in my entire life. She stares at me in utter disbelief, but she knows that I am telling her the truth.

  “You're right.” She sighs, nodding slowly. “I know you're right. Okay, I’ll go with you. I need to let the nurse know that we're leaving. She can page his parents and ask them to stay with him until we get back.” She says “we” with confidence, knowing that we are indeed in this together. Smiling, I nod agreeing with her plans.

  She quickly moves to hover over his face, placing a kiss on his forehead. With her lips remaining on his head she tells him she loves him more than he loves her, of our plans to leave, and then reassures him that we will return before he can miss her. I smile knowing that almost everything that she said is nothing short of impossible. No one loves anyone more than Tristan loves Anna. Not even her love for him can compare.

  I look at him one last time before turning toward the door. Remembering that she told me he can hear us, I touch his fingers once more.

  “I love you too, Tristan.”

  Exhaling a breath that I feel like I've been holding for years, I anxiously face Anna expecting… I don't know what the hell I am expecting. After a sharp intake of breath, her eyes instantly glisten and she quickly lowers them to the floor. Shock flashing through her features, Anna bites down hard on her bottom lip and she blinks fervently at the tears streaming down her face. She's never heard me say these words to anyone. Ever. The time has come for me to change that fact.

  “Anna, I've been so stupid. You loved me when I wasn’t worthy of it. I don’t know what else to say other than I am so sorry. I love you and I’ve loved you all of my life. Please forgive me for all of those years that I selfishly pushed you away.” I whisper, watching her eyes lift up slowly to meet mine and a single tear slowly trickles down my cheek.

  This changes everything. I can't keep on living the way I did before last night, with no life in me for the past fourteen years. Who could call that living? Every emotion I never allowed before comes crashing down on me now.

  Sucking back my emotions, I force out more words through my raspy voice, “I don't know how the hell you put up with me being so damn selfish and at times just plain mean. I hate that I've let you and Tristan down so many times.”

  Completely embarrassed and attempting to control my crying, I drop my face into my hands. Failing miserably at keeping my heartache locked inside, the tears break free again, racking my body.

  I can’t stop now.

  “I'm disgusted with myself and my behavior. I'm not a saint, but you saw something valuable in me all these years. I know being friends with me isn’t easy. Even though I pushed you away as hard as I could, you waited for me. If you will still have me I want to be your best friend Anna.”

  Looking up from my damp hands, I draw her weary body into my arms and hug her desperately. My body trembles with fear by admitting my true feelings and a collaboration of many more emotions. Anna remained quiet while I got everything I needed to say out of my system, but now I need to know that she forgives me. Slowly I steady my breathing, wipe my eyes and lift my gaze to greet hers. Waiting for me to finish, she stares wordlessly.

  “I swear that I'm done with all that bullshit. If you and God give me the chance I will make up for everything I denied you and Tristan, all of those years. Anna, can you forgive me?” Eyes bulging, mouth agape and unmoving, she is once again catatonic Anna.

  “Anna?”

  I can't believe all that I have confessed either so I understand the total dumbstruck look on her face.

  “Anna.”

  Needing to ease the tension, I snap my fingers dramatically in front of her face. It breaks her trance and finally she responds. Closing her mouth, she blinks rapidly and stares at me with a look like she is expecting the heavens to split open and whisk her away any second.

  “Come on let's get you home.” Mocking in my best whiny Anna voice, I grab her by the arm linking mine with hers and say, “You. Stink!”

  Finding her voice she says, “I love you too Breesan. Of course I forgive you, but we have a lot to talk about.”

  Freezing in place at the thought of her knowing all my repressed pain, I am scared shitless, but she deserves to know everything and I accept it as part of true friendship. Looking at her serious expression, I swallow down my nervousness and nod my head slowly, extracting a wide smile from her.

  “Okay, so we start over today.” Pausing, she adds, “Best friends.”

  Chapter Six

  Breesan

  The group of people in the waiting room has thinned out now. Those that remain are Tristan's closest friends, family members and a police officer standing guard at his door. Marcus and Morgan's parents are near the back of the waiting room talking with Gran. Granddad has a blanket too small for him draped over his chest, head tilted back against the wall with a ball cap covering his face and a loud rumble coming from under it suggests that he is sleeping. Bates walks over and stands awkwardly for a moment before finally speaking.

  “Does he know we are all here?”

  His head and eyes are downcast with his shoulders sagging and hands jammed into his back pockets. Slowly lifting his head, Bates looks from me to Anna apprehensively. Clearly he is suffering tremendously with Tristan's injury too.

  “He knows Bates,” Anna says. “I've told him and I know he hears me.”

  She smiles and the tension in his features eases slightly. Not a grin
exactly, but a little better than a grimace moves across his tired face. Nodding to her, Bates lets out a heavy breath then begins rubbing his hand across the back of his neck.

  “Good,” he pauses then steps closer to her. “Anna is there something I can do for you or for his family? Anything, just name it.” He says, reaching a hand toward her, but stops just before making contact.

  “No, thank you Bates.” Startled by his unusual behavior toward her, she shifts her eyes from him to me, takes a step back and then shakes her head dramatically. “Breesan is taking me home for a little while. Maybe you should go home and get some rest too.”

  He shakes his head. “I'm okay Anna.”

  Turning to walk away, he pauses, “Breesan I…” He clears his throat before trying again. “I took Wren to the hotel after the…um, last night. She said she would be there for the rest of the week. She knows that you will be here for Tristan, but she gave me this and said that if you feel like talking, you can call her day or night.”

  Offering me a small piece of paper, his eyes light up and he grins when I eagerly accept Wren’s cell phone number. Truthfully, I do want to meet with my cousin and finally get answers about my family history. When she showed up last night at the party it was shocking to find out that I have a living blood relative, and after everything that the past twenty-four hours has offered, I am excited about having her here. I especially want to know more about her mom because she will know all about my dad and I need to know everything.

  “I will call her later.” I say, returning his smile. “Bates, thank you for keeping her safe, I…I really appreciate what you did for her.”