Always Conall (Bitterroot #2)

by Sibylla Matilde

  I sipped my pop and gazed though the window, watching their imagination take hold. It would appear that Mattie was sprouting some form of glittery wings, and her little friend was showing her how to fly. I could hear the faint chatter, not enough to understand a word, but just right to catch the squeals of excitement.

  “So,” Kian broke my silence, “is this guy going to give you shit, Sage?”

  I pulled my gaze away from my own living, breathing entertainment system to answer him.

  “I don’t know,” I hoarsely whispered. “I haven’t heard a word from him since he left years ago. It’s hard to say what kind of person he even is now.”

  “What’s his name?” Brynn asked. “I’m guessing his last name is McAllister like Mattie, but I don’t think you’ve ever told me his first name.” She was now sitting where Mattie had been, beside Kian across from me, and this positioning gave me the sensation of being grilled. A wee bit uncomfortable, yet also secure because I knew these two really had my and Mattie’s best interests at heart. That thought soothed my jagged nerves, making me feel a little less alone.

  “Conall,” I whispered. I hadn’t said his name since the day Mattie had been born. Since I’d held her, alone and scared in the hospital. That night, I’d looked down into her perfect little face and sobbed with his name on my lips, desperately wishing he was there with me. Shaking myself out of the past, I took a deep breath and looked out the window to watch Mattie play. “I’ve prayed and wished… wanted him home for so long. Now he is, and it sorta freaks me out. No matter what, this is going to be hard. If he wants her…” I shook my head sadly. “…or even if he doesn’t. It was all an accident after all.”

  “Some of the best things in life are accidents,” Brynn suggested.

  “The best thing in mine is,” I replied in an almost inaudible voice.

  Brynn’s hand covered mine on the table, drawing my gaze to her. “Sage, I don’t know a whole lot about him, or any of what happened, really. You’ve never really talked about it much. But anyone could clearly see how much you loved him. How much you probably still do. Somehow, all the cosmic energy in the world brought him back here… there has to be a reason for that.”

  I pulled my hand away and steepled my fingers, pressing them against the bridge of my nose to stem the rising melancholy of my memories. Looking over at Kian, I thought of his friend… my boyfriend. Well, sort of anyway. “I need to give Jeff a heads up. It’s not like things between us are really serious, but this adds a layer to my life that makes the situation kind of weird.” With a defeated shake of my head, I frowned. “I probably should have never gotten involved with him in the first place.”

  “It’s not a crime to see someone, you know,” Kian gently responded. “Not that Jeff’s really father material, Sage, but you know that.”

  Brynn nodded. “True. There’s a reason you haven’t even so much as introduced him to Mattie. Not that you have to just throw in the towel with Jeff because this Conall guy is suddenly here. You’re allowed to have a life, even if you are someone’s mom.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I agreed. “But, you know as well as I do that it’s all really more of a booty call than anything. I’m not sure I’ve ever really even seen him sober. Crazy, huh?”

  “He should be back in a few days, right?” Kian asked.

  “Not until later next week,” I said. “He’s hauling a load of cattle to Texas. Last I heard from him, he was going to be back on Thursday. I’ll have to try and drag him out of the bar to have a little talk.” I sipped my soda and contemplated how fucked up everything suddenly seemed.

  “Just don’t make any crazy decisions,” Brynn suggested.

  “Everything was just starting to seem like it was all going to be okay…” I trailed off, toying with the straw in my drink.

  “On the brighter side,” Brynn offered with a tender, sad smile, “this is kind of taking your mind of the NCLEX exam.”

  With a light huff, an attempt at a chuckle that didn’t really come out like one, I nodded back. “True… always a silver lining, right?” Taking a deep breath, exhaled and smiled weakly back. “Thanks, guys.”

  Chapter 3 ~ Waiting

  Sage

  I was on pins and needles waiting for Conall to call.

  I worried about him.

  I worried for Mattie.

  I thought about texting him or calling him. But I didn’t.

  I told myself that I was giving him space and time to absorb his newly discovered fatherhood. After all, I’d had months to get used to the idea of being a mom before Mattie arrived. Well, after the denial faded, anyway. But truthfully, the naïve young girl I had been was secretly glad to still have that little part of him with me. It was like a painful little gift that I wouldn’t have traded for anything in the world.

  In the few hours since I’d seen him arrive in town, my thoughts obsessively dwelled on him. I kept checking my phone, sending Brynn messages to make sure it was still working. Sending messages to myself. The phone was fine, but I heard nothing. Minutes turned to hours. It felt like days, weeks even. And nothing.

  Mattie kept me fairly preoccupied when we got home. The kid could talk a mile a minute. Every now and then I just had to give her little jobs to do so she’d stop for a while. I handed her a Swiffer duster and set her to work. I had her dig through the clean laundry basket for all her purple socks and match up the pairs. I had her line her ponies up on her windowsill to see the pretty evening sunlight on their manes and tails.

  But after I had her tucked into bed, I found myself leafing through an old photo album I’d put together when I was pregnant. Pictures of Conall, most of them with Matt. Her dad and her namesake. My thought was that I’d show them to her someday when she was older. To give her a sense of family that she seemed to miss so badly the older she got. As soon as she realized that most kids didn’t just have a mommy.

  Even though she had realized this, I hadn’t brought myself to show it to her yet. And it got harder as she got older. I wanted her to feel secure and loved. I wasn’t sure how much she’d understand. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how much I understood myself.

  A chirping cricket from the coffee table indicated I’d received a text. I picked up my iPhone to see who it was from.

  Shit.

  It was from Conall.

  Finally.

  Fuck.

  My heart immediately started racing and my shaking hand could barely navigate the lock screen. My uncoordinated fingers ended up opening three other apps before I managed to open the text. Then I slipped and almost deleted his message before I could even read it.

  I took a long, deep breath and blew it out, forcing a Zen-like state that I truly did not feel. Because I really had no idea what to expect.

  Conall: Can we talk?

  My heart leapt into my throat.

  Oh God. Breathe. You’ve got this, Sage.

  A million responses ranging from ‘Fuck you’ to ‘Fuck I love you’ zipped through my head. I went with nonchalant.

  Me: When and where?

  His response was practically instantaneous.

  Conall: The lake, anytime you can make it

  Oooph… the lake. Shit.

  We’d practically lived down there as kids, but I hadn’t been back there in years. Not since that awful day he’d left. Be cool, I thought. Can’t let him know how much this is fucking with your brain.

  Me: Scene of the crime, huh?

  Conall: ………

  Obviously, the situation had not quite gotten to where we could joke about things. Smooth, Sage. Really smooth.

  Me: Sorry. Let me see check something. BRB.

  I quickly dialed Brynn’s number.

  “Hey, Sage,” she answered.

  “Can you watch Mattie for a little bit? I just got a text from Conall. He’s wondering if we can talk.”

  “Um, yeah… no problem. Do you want to bring her over here, or should I come to your place?”

  “She just went to bed
. Would you mind coming here?”

  “Not a bit. I’ll be there in a half-hour.”

  I quickly texted Conall back that I’d meet him in an hour down by the lake. Then I ran into my bathroom to touch up my hair and make-up, pissed at myself for doing it. I shouldn’t be trying to impress Conall. I really shouldn’t give two fucks about what he thought of me. But it was a sickening compulsion. After all this time, I still wanted him to look at me and see something beautiful.

  I still wanted him to want me.

  Finally, I found myself trudging down the overgrown path to our spot. Off the main trails, back in the brush and trees that grew thickly along the lakeshore, a little inlet gave the feeling of being miles away from anyone and everyone. Over the years, it had been our playground. The backdrop for our childhood imaginations. Sometimes after seeing a movie, our imagination expanded worldwide. The rocky shore became a beach in the Caribbean, and we were pirates in search of a treasure. Other times, after Matt and Conall had learned the stories of the wild west days in Montana History class, we were the vigilantes searching for Henry Plummer’s gold. Later, it was where we tried smoking and heralded on a false maturity with our first tastes of alcohol. Through the years, it had become a place to escape life and reality. A place of solace.

  It was also the last place I had seen Conall. The place I had given him every part of me, and he had responded by turning his back on me and leaving me, shattered and alone, on the grassy bank.

  My initial reaction upon seeing him had been pure joy, pure emotion. Pure love. But now, the closer I got, the more I wanted to turn and run. To grab Mattie and disappear. To protect her from the heartache Conall had brought me. To protect myself from the heartache that still overpowered my senses.

  The sun lay low on the horizon, and the scant clouds around it began to glow all fiery red. With every step down the trail, my mind flicked back to five years ago. To running down this path in a panic, feeling every scrape of the branches on my bare skin. A bead of sweat rolled down my back, likely more from nervousness than the July heat.

  Turning the last little bend in the trail, I saw him. Standing there looking out over the water just like he had been years ago. Warm light reflected off the lake, a golden shimmer from the setting sun that highlighted his strong jaw and glinted his eyes. Again it struck me how much he’d changed over the years, and a slight tremor coursed through me as I remembered being wrapped in his arms in front of the hotel. The strength of his thick muscles and broad shoulders as he held me close. The sensation of his face buried into my hair. The faint touch of his breath as he whispered my name.

  Inhaling a fortifying breath to calm the raging emotions inside me, I walked up to stand on the grassy bank beside him.

  Conall

  “What’s she like?” I asked. I felt her eyes on me, studying me warily.

  “She’s really sweet,” Sage softly replied after a moment. I glanced over at her and watched a special warmth light her eyes and a loving smile touched her lips at the first mention of Mattie. “Very talkative, like, mile-a-minute talkative. Some of the things she says are just hysterical. Um, she loves purple kind of obsessively, and I’m pretty sure she often thinks that she is a My Little Pony. She’s a… a good kid.”

  “I’m still trying to wrap my head around this,” I said quietly… honestly.

  “It’s a lot to take in,” she agreed.

  “Don’t take this wrong, but I just keep hoping, for her sake, and for yours really, that she’s not my kid.” My words brought a pained look to her eyes. Her brow knitted tight and she swallowed hard. It seemed like all I had ever done was hurt her. With a heavy sensation in my chest, I shifted my gaze to look at the clear water lapping up against the bank. “I’m kind of a dick, Sage,” I tried to explain.

  Her voice was thick when she nodded. “I know how denial feels. Something like this… it’s very surreal.”

  Her features shadowed with an obvious ache, and she wrapped her arms around herself, as though she needed a hug… a bit of comfort and support. I wanted to reach out and pull her into my arms. My fingers tingled with the desire to hold her and give her the security that was missing in her life. But I couldn’t. My body was frozen by the guilt over what she had been through… and all because of me.

  “I sometimes can’t believe it myself, even now,” she continued, “and I’ve lived it for the past five years. Honestly, half the time I feel like I’m just playing house. Like I’m a kid myself, and she’s my dolly. Things were sure easier back then. Even if you guys were always picking on me.”

  “You were kind of easy to pick on,” I smiled sadly at the memories that began to filter through my mind. “God, you’d get so mad so easily. It was kind of like setting off fireworks.”

  “I don’t know why I even liked you guys,” she grimaced wryly.

  “Well, there weren’t a lot of kids in our neighborhood,” I suggested. “You were really sort of stuck with us by default.”

  “I was a glutton for punishment, I guess.” A wistful sigh pursed her lips. “But, dick or not, up until a few months ago, you were the only guy I’d ever slept with. So, unless it was some kind of immaculate conception or something, she’s definitely yours.”

  “You slept with someone a few months ago?” That knowledge soured my stomach. The thought of her with someone else.

  Fuck. That really shouldn’t have bothered me so much.

  “I started to a few months ago,” she confirmed. Then she actually made it worse by going on. “It’s still kind of… We’re technically a, um… a thing.”

  A sudden, unwanted surge of possessiveness shot through me. “Is it serious?” I asked.

  “Can we change the topic here?” she replied tersely. “Not that I’m trying to sound like a total girl or anything, but I need to know what you’re thinking. I need to know…” Her eyes closed tightly as she took a deep breath, then opened and pinned that haunting blue color on me. “Are you planning to stay? Or are you just stopping through? What’s going on, Conall?”

  “I didn’t really know what I was doing when I came home. I got out of the Army, and I just… had to come see you.”

  “You came back to see me?” Her voice held a trace of wonder mixed with sadness and even a hint of relief.

  I lowered my frame and sat on the grassy shore, pitching a small pebble into the water as I shrugged, shaking my head slightly. My gaze focused on the ripples moving through the water for a moment before I answered.

  “I always promised Matt I’d look out for you when he wasn’t around. And he’s not.” A bitter sensation curled in my stomach at the half-truth. I had promised Matt, but I was really here because I wanted to see her. I had to see her.

  “So, it was out of duty to Matt?” she murmured dejectedly as she settled down beside me leaning forward to wrap her arms about her bent knees. “Who was supposed to be looking out for me over the last five years, then? Why come back now?”

  “It was always supposed to be me. I just… I ran from it. Joined the Army. Signed up for five years. I learned a bit about responsibility. And I realized that, no matter where I went or who I was with, I couldn’t really escape it. So I had to check on you.”

  “For Matt…” she trailed off, resting her chin on her knees.

  My little white lie twisted in my chest with her somber tone, and the silence dragged on as we both tried to make sense of this situation we’d created. Finally, swallowing past the regret in my throat, I spoke.

  “So, tell me what happened after I left,” I quietly said.

  Her eyes lifted, the cornflower blue luminous with the pain of unhappy memories. “Well, for a couple weeks,” she slowly began with a shaky, solemn sigh, “nothing really happened.”

  I watched her lower lip catch against her teeth as her eyes lowered. “Nothing?” I asked.

  “Yeah, really. Not for a while. It was all very pathetic. Mom and I just kind of… existed. Things were all just kind of hazy and dreamlike. Mentally, she had
just disappeared.” Sage took a deep breath and exhaled as she continued to speak quietly. “I kept waiting for the shock to wear off. I’d try to talk to her, but it was like I wasn’t even there.” Swallowing hard, she focused her gaze on her hands. “After a while, the school contacted Child and Family Services because I hadn’t been going. My teachers had tried to call the house, but I didn’t answer. School was the last place I wanted to be. Everyone knew about Matt.” Her voice became hoarse as she looked back over at me. “Everyone knew you’d left, too. All the security I’d felt was gone.”

  My chest squeezed with remorse. All this time, I’d thought my absence would have been helpful. I didn’t want to be a reminder of everything she’d lost. I had rationalized leaving by thinking she could have a clean break to heal.

  “Anyway,” she continued sadly, “once the school got in touch with the authorities, things changed pretty rapidly. My mom was practically comatose, completely unresponsive to everyone around her. She was like a robot, like a switch had flipped and turned her awareness of others completely off. She was institutionalized immediately, and I was to become a ward of the court. I didn’t have the will to fight it, even though I could have probably emancipated myself. But I guess part of me was actually hopeful that someone might… care.” She paused for a minute before she went on. “They were making preparations to place me into a foster home when I realized I was pregnant.”

  Something about her saying that, something about the words coming out of her mouth, shook me. Hooked me deep in my chest and pulled. I’d obviously known. I’d seen Mattie, for Christ’s sake. But that phrase leaving her lips squeezed at my soul and rendered me speechless. Her eyes lifted to mine, and she continued on.

  “I didn’t know what to do. At first, it was like if I just didn’t face it, it might… go away. As stupid as that sounds.” She smiled sadly and huffed out a bracing breath. “But I finally told my caseworker. Instead of foster care, she helped me get into New Beginnings instead, that home for young mothers. While I was living there, I entered an alternative high school program. Got my diploma right after Mattie was born. Some of the classes were dual enrollment, so I even had a little college credit under my belt by the time I graduated. And by the time Mattie was just under a year old, I had a job at Hyper where I made awesome tips. I had a small apartment, and I’d been accepted into nursing school.”