Finding Freedom (Book 4) (Piper Anderson Series)

by Stewart, Danielle

  “I don’t.” Josh shrugged, leaving his hand lingering on her leg for one more moment. “If it’s worth anything, I think you should stay.”

  “Why?” Willow asked, again grudgingly wanting Josh to say something that might actually reach her fortified heart.

  “I’ve lived here my whole life. Up until last year, not much ever happened. I took over my father’s practice and seemed to just step right onto the path he’d cleared for me. I feel like my life is pretty much already set up for me. And I realized it isn’t even what I wanted for myself, for a career. You’re the only thing that’s happened lately that makes me feel like maybe my life won’t be boring and predetermined. I know once you leave things will go right back to the way they’ve always been. You’re like a breath of fresh air, and I’ve been suffocating. You might be exactly what I need.” Willow was staring out the window, pulling the zipper of her coat. She was sure Josh was waiting for her to speak but she couldn’t. There was no answer inside her, no matter how hard she searched.

  “Plus,” Josh said, taking the weight out of the moment. “Betty is going to string me up when they realize I drove you out here. Bobby and Michael will kick my ass. And Jules, for the love of God, I don’t know what Jules will do to me.”

  “I suggest you wear a cup. I’ve seen her in action.” Willow smirked as she slipped her coat back on and pulled her bag onto her lap. “You can just drop me by the door if you don’t mind.”

  “I do mind,” Josh said, navigating away from the front entrance and toward the parking lot. “I’m making sure you get on that train safely. There’s no way in hell I’m just leaving you here, not knowing you made it out all right. Non-negotiable, so save your breath.”

  “Fine,” Willow said with a roll of her eyes.

  The train station was relatively deserted this Friday night and Willow was grateful for the quiet corner she and Josh found to wait in. She hated the hustle and bustle that came with school in New York and dreaded the idea of public transportation, but this was her best way out. Growing up on a small island whose only connection to the mainland was an old, slow ferry made her feel isolated in the best way possible. She never felt trapped there as many of her classmates did. She felt safe, like the island was a cocoon. Leaving it had been difficult, and maybe that’s why she’d found herself caught up so quickly in Brad.

  After twenty more minutes of nail-bitingly awkward silence, Willow felt someone slide in next to her on the bench she and Josh were perched on. “Excuse me?” Willow groaned as the person thudded against her body.

  “You’re going to need a good excuse,” Piper said, raising her eyebrows accusingly at both of them.

  “Shit,” Josh cursed as he shot to his feet to try to explain. “She forced me. At knife point.”

  “Save it, Josh,” Piper said, quieting him with the wave of her hand. “I don’t care why you drove her, I’m interested in why she left.”

  “I’ll leave you two alone,” Josh said, clumsily stepping away from them, but Piper pulled him back with a tug of his sleeve.

  “Nope, if you’re a good enough friend to be the getaway car then you can hear all this.” Piper pointed down at the bench and he sat back down dutifully.

  “Piper, how did you find me?” Willow asked with an air of defeat.

  “I’ve run away quite a bit myself. I know enough to pop the battery out of my cell phone so my cop friends can’t track where I am.”

  “I did,” Willow said angrily pulling her disassembled phone from her pocket.

  “But he didn’t. If you’re going to have company they need to follow the same runaway rules, too. Now tell me why you left.”

  “You don’t get it,” Willow huffed, jamming her phone into her pocket and flopping hard against the wooden back of the bench.

  “That’s where you’re wrong. It’s why I’m here, and not any of the other people at the house who thought they should come. I’m the one person you can’t pull that line with. I grew up in a hell just like yours. I know what it’s like to be punished in the most hateful ways by people who are supposed to love you. I know what it’s like to be so hungry you start to see things. I’ve been there.”

  “Stop. I’m not that person. I left all that and I got a second chance. I grew up on the dunes of a beautiful island with unbelievably wonderful people for parents. I went to a great school. I had everything I ever needed. I’m not that girl you’re talking about. She doesn’t exist.”

  “Fine, I don’t believe you, but if that’s the card you want to play I won’t argue it with you. But you’re mixed up about one thing. Do you think that Jedda going back to prison while protecting you would destroy him? Crush him?”

  “Yes,” she answered, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Of course it would.”

  “No,” Piper said, softening her voice. “Not knowing where you are, whether or not you’re safe, the idea of you facing all this alone—that is what will crush him. Leaving him now would be the worst thing you could do to him.”

  Willow thought she’d built a pretty effective fence around her heart, but Piper’s rationale was starting to put cracks in her own logic. What if she was right; what if, in his fragile state, leaving Jedda would push him over the edge? She hadn’t considered that. Which is exactly why she’d wanted to leave before they could talk to her. She didn’t want to think about the alternative, she didn’t want to be convinced, but she was faltering now. “You really think it will crush him if I leave him now?”

  Piper nodded her head vehemently. “Yes. I just saw him at the house when we realized you’d left. I know it would be too much for him. Please don’t desert him now. He needs you more than you realize.”

  “Part of me thinks I’m the worst thing for him. I’m like a trigger, I bring him back to that terrible choice he made. And I’m putting him in the position to have to do it again.”

  “I think you two might need to talk, because I’ve never heard Jedda refer to what he did as a terrible choice. I don’t think he regrets it at all. I’m not saying you can’t leave, I’m just saying don’t leave him like this, without a word. Give it a little more time. Give Michael a chance to work on it.”

  “Well, whether he says it or not, it was a mistake. One that changed both our lives.”

  “Yours for the better, Willow. Look at what you have now. Look at what you got for a second chance. He’d do it all over again. He wouldn’t change anything. I really believe that.”

  Willow looked through Piper, her gaze vacant as she realized the disconnect in this conversation. It struck her how deep the cavern of misunderstanding between her and the rest of the world was. Everyone looked at her like the lucky one. As though knowing Jedda would give his life for her again should be comforting. How wrong they were.

  “That’s what I’m afraid of. That he’ll do it all over again. That he wouldn’t hesitate,” Willow whispered, talking more to herself as she stood and slipped her bag over her shoulder. “Is everyone pissed?” She looked defeated as she surrendered.

  “Not at you. They understand this isn’t easy,” Piper answered, standing and pulling her car keys from her pocket. “Now, Josh, on the other hand, might want to take that train ticket you bought and think about starting a practice somewhere else.”

  “Knifepoint,” Josh reiterated, putting his hands up in the air like a helpless victim. “She took me captive at knifepoint and I had no choice.”

  “Well you’ve got an hour ride back to get your stories straight. I suggest you make it airtight. I imagine there will be some kind of inquest or tribunal.”

  “Wait, I’m not riding back with you?” Willow asked, imploring Piper with her eyes to make this situation marginally less uncomfortable.

  “No, you guys made your bed now you can lie in it,” Piper said, heading toward the exit then seeming to realize what she’d just said. “Don’t go lying in any actual beds for God’s sake. It’s a figure of speech. No need to make this thing any messier than it is.
Just come right back to the house. No beds.”

  Willow’s cheeks burned red for so many reasons right now she couldn’t sort them out. Was she more embarrassed that Piper brought up the horrors of her past? That Josh had heard her secret pain spoken out loud? Or was it Piper’s implication that they could end up in bed together? Any way she considered it made her think she might be sick any second if they stood there much longer.

  “You’re ruining my life,” Josh said, tucking his hands into his pockets and shuffling his feet toward the door.

  “Sorry.” Willow hung her head and kept a slow pace as to not have to walk right next to him on their way back to the car.

  “It’s okay,” Josh said, stopping and turning to face her so she’d have to catch up. “I told you I wasn’t crazy about my life anyway. It could use some ruining. Not this much, but beggars can’t be choosers I guess.”

  “I’ll try to take the heat off you when we get back to Betty’s. I won’t let them come down too hard on you,” Willow promised, finally catching up with Josh, who held the door open for her as they stepped back into the night air.

  “Knifepoint, Willow. I’m not joking. Tell them you kidnapped me. It might be my only hope. Knifepoint.”

  Chapter Twelve

  The ride back wasn’t full of deep conversation about her feelings as Willow feared it might be. Josh was polite, and luckily that meant he wasn’t going to try to exploit what he had heard at the train station. She had no doubt if she sat beside him and bared her soul he’d listen attentively with compassion and sympathy, but she wasn’t interested in that. Mostly because she wouldn’t know where to begin. How do you articulate things that almost tear you in two on a regular basis? How do you expose the conflict raging a war inside of you without sounding like a mental patient? Willow didn’t have those answers, so she chose silence.

  It did beg the question though: could one person really be as conflicted as she was and not be considered insane? She bounced so frequently between opposing emotions that she thought she must have some kind of personality disorder. There were moments when she found herself eternally grateful for the choice Jedda made the day he killed their parents. How lucky she was to have a second chance in this world—to go from the gutter to a life of privilege. It was the building blocks of a fairy tale. But then when her admiration for her brother’s sacrifice would grow, she would start to feel like a monster, as though she were a murderer herself. How could any human being, regardless of the circumstances, condone, applaud even, the taking of someone else’s life? That wasn’t how the civilized world worked.

  The only thing that weighed heavier on her than the burden of torn feelings about the murders themselves, was the knowledge that her brother traded his life for hers. It didn’t matter that their parents were horrible people. Their murder, deserved or not, happened because of her. That means her life, the one she was handed out of the ashes of her burned down childhood, needed to be good. She had to spend her time being her best self and appreciating every minute of her second chance. She had to be eternally grateful for his sacrifice. But, frankly, there were some days mustering that happiness just wasn’t possible. Some days she found herself getting sucked into the despair of knowing what her life might have been if Jedda hadn’t intervened. Those thoughts would grow muddy and far away as the thoughts of what his life would have been like if he’d let her rot there or be sold off.

  Who deserved it more, Willow or Jedda, and why did it seem like only one of them could have it? Why was she spared and not him? Why was she given this better life and he sentenced to solitude and punishment? She should be happy, wildly happy, and in a constant state of feeling blessed. But instead all she felt was a knot of conflicted ideas that on any given day drove her to the brink of madness. What if? Why not? Why Me?

  “Seriously, Willow. They’re going to be furious with me,” Josh worried aloud as they approached the road leading to Betty’s. He was tapping nervously on the steering wheel and shaking his leg with an antsy franticness that was wearing on Willow’s frayed nerves.

  “I won’t let them take it out on you,” she assured him. “You don’t deserve it. You were just trying to help me. You’re very kind.”

  “It seems that’s what they’re trying to do, too,” Josh said, attempting ineffectively to make a point Willow wasn’t interested in hearing right now.

  “Don’t waste your breath. You really wouldn’t understand any of this. I barely get it myself. I’m an hour out from deciding to stay, and I already feel like I made the wrong choice. It’s why I didn’t want to hear from any of them. I knew they’d make some case, I’d waiver, and come back. Inevitably regretting it, which I already do.”

  “You got mixed up in something. Brad’s a jackass trying to torment you. That’s not on you. You can’t feel guilty about that and you can’t think no one cares about you.”

  “I’m going to make sure everyone knows you had no choice in taking me to the train station. Can we just leave it at that? I’m not interested in anything else.”

  “I don’t get why it’s so hard for you to take help from people. To accept a little kindness.”

  Willow sighed, weary of trying to explain herself. “It’s wasted on me. Trust me. The last thing I want or need is people sacrificing anything for my sake. It sounds good in theory. But if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of it, you’d understand.”

  “So then what do you need? If not help, then what?”

  Willow opened her mouth to speak but then promptly closed it when she realized she had no answer. No one had ever asked her that. After she was adopted, they’d told her she needed therapy, so she went. And for their sake she pretended to feel better. They’d told her she needed three tutors to catch up in school, so she worked tirelessly to learn, spent sleepless nights attempting to be what they needed. To make her brother’s sacrifice seem worth it. They’d showed her how to blend in, how to carry herself, how to be this new kind of Willow, so she did as they said. No one had asked her what she needed, so now, faced with the simple question, she had no answer. She just shook her head, her eyebrows raised in surprise at this epiphany.

  Their headlights cut their way down Betty’s driveway and shone on all the cars still parked there. People ready to kill Josh and embrace Willow. Two things she really didn’t want to happen.

  Josh reached over and covered her hand with his. Putting the car in park he turned to face her, locking eyes with her in a stare she couldn’t break. “Well, I guess you know what you need to do. Figure out the answer to that question and you’ll have a place to start. Decide what you need, and you might be surprised who’s willing to help you get it.”

  She thought he might lean in, and press his perfect lips against hers. Maybe he would sweep her hair out of her face and cup her cheek as his tongue explored her mouth. Any other man she’d known in this type of situation would be kissing her right now. When she found herself staring, wondering what was keeping his face way over there, she remembered. He was kind. Together. Grown up. He didn’t act on impulse or desire, he acted thoughtfully and with ample regard for others’ needs. She, on the other hand, didn’t. She was impulsive and confused. Occasionally reckless and frequently wrong. It’s how she found herself with a guy like Brad. It’s why she stayed after she found out what he’d done, the crimes he’d committed. It’s what made her lean in right now, and press her lips to Josh’s even when she had no intention of giving him what he deserved or was hoping for. She wasn’t the type of person he needed, even if he joked about excitement and drama. His life was good and steady and she was selfishly taking from him what she could. A moment of comfort, a feeling of pleasure, that she had no means of growing into anything else. She was why a good guy finished last, because in a moment of her own weakness she exploited his heart.

  As his hand moved up to her cheek, their kiss growing more passionate, Willow pulled away. It was an art, keeping herself unavailable. It required incredible willpower and perfect timing. H
e sat there for a moment staring at her as though that kiss had changed something, as though it was the start of something, and the guilt of reality hit her. She shouldn’t have kissed him.

  “Willow,” he said, catching her arm before she could step out of the open car door. “I won’t hold you to that kiss. I won’t make it something it wasn’t. But next time, if you kiss me, it needs to mean something. To both of us.”

  There he was astounding her again. How could he see that written so clearly on her face? Another man would have taken that moment and spun it into something it wasn’t. But not Josh. It’s like he could read her mind or peek inside her soul. A frightening possibility.

  “Okay,” was all she could muster as he let her go and she stepped out of the car. They strode to the screen door and took a deep breath before they entered. Piper had beaten them back here and had clearly already briefed everyone on what had transpired. The room was full of people with scowls on their faces and arms crossed. The most intimidating of all was Betty, standing by the table holding a rolling pin in one hand and slapping the other end down into her palm. Clay rested his hand on her shoulder as though he were holding the leash of a tiger, a fruitless effort, but his job all the same.

  “Josh had nothing to do with this. I didn’t give him a choice,” Willow said preemptively. “I think he should just head home for the night and we can see him at the wedding on Sunday.”

  “You think I’ll let him off the hook that easy?” Betty asked, stepping forward, nose-to-nose with Josh. “You know better than this, Josh. You saw that boy in front of your office today. How could you send her into the world alone? Reckless.”

  Willow snickered slightly at that thought. It was likely the only time in his life Josh had been accused of that. And it was her doing. She knew the best thing Josh could do was take his lumps and ride out the anger flowing through the room. Even Willow, who didn’t know these people that long, knew that much. But the spark in Josh’s eyes let Willow know he wasn’t going to take that route.