What's Left of Me

by Kristen Granata

“I’m exhausted, buddy. Maybe another night.”

  Josie rests her hand on her hip. “You’re not swimming in the Olympics, Cole. The water will feel good after a long day. Hang out with us for a while.”

  I glance at the house over my shoulder, my eyes like magnets to Callie’s bedroom window. A dim light glows through the sheer curtains.

  What’s she doing?

  How is she?

  Why isn’t she out here?

  Is she angry with me?

  “She’s not coming down, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  My attention snaps back to Josie. “I’m not worried.”

  She rolls her eyes. “I don’t know how you operate heavy machinery at work all day with your head stuffed so far up your own ass.”

  Brandon snorts, but quickly slips under the water when I glare at him.

  “She told me about the kiss.” Josie plops Serenity down on the grass beside Lucas, amidst a plethora of toys. “I don’t understand why you pushed her away. You obviously feel something for her.”

  “You don’t know what I feel.”

  She laughs softly. “Sometimes I think I know you better than you know yourself.”

  “Maybe you used to.” I gaze out over the tops of the tall palm trees framed by the orange swirls in the sky. “I’ll never be that person again.”

  “You’re still that same person.” Josie runs her fingers through Lucas’s thick hair. “Your mistakes don’t define you. They teach you, sure. But they don’t change who you are. They don’t dictate your future. Not unless you let it.”

  I smirk. “Do you get these quotes from an inspirational calendar?”

  She flips her middle finger up at me, but smiles. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my lifetime. Not as devastating as yours, but they add up. Being a mom means I’m guaranteed to fuck up at least once a day.”

  I lower myself onto the lush grass beside her. “Your kids are alive. You’re doing fine.”

  She leans over and covers my hand with hers. “I’m so sorry, Cole. I’m sorry you experienced that. I can’t ... I can’t imagine.”

  I nod, averting my eyes to the boys playing basketball in the pool. “Sometimes I forget that it’s real. I’ll have a dream that I’m holding her in my arms, that everything’s okay.” I shrug and turn my head to face Josie. “How am I supposed to go on like this? How does life get better?”

  Josie points her index finger up at Callie’s window. “You start by finding someone who understands. Someone you care about. And you let her in.”

  I press the heels of my hands against my eyes, as if I can rub the image of Callie right out of my mind.

  But I know I can’t.

  She’s implanted herself in there, and she’s growing roots.

  “I know you care about her, Cole. You can’t deny it. It’s written all over your face.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t deserve someone like her. She needs someone who can give her what she wants.”

  Josie lifts an eyebrow. “She wants you.”

  My heart twists in my chest. “Why?”

  “You should ask yourself that question.” She cups her mouth with her hand and calls to the boys. “Come out and dry off, guys. You need to be showered, in bed, and reading by eight.”

  Then she stands and holds out her hands for the twins. “Maybe you’re right. You don’t deserve her. Not until you can forgive yourself, and recognize the good person that’s inside of you.”

  I watch her as she walks toward the house, with the twins wobbling in their puffy diapers on either side of her.

  Brandon and Miles take Josie’s spot beside me on the grass, wrapped in their towels.

  “What’re you guys talking about?” Miles asks.

  I scratch the back of my neck. “Ah, just some grown-up stuff.”

  “Do you like Callie?” Brandon blurts.

  This kid hears everything. “Why do you ask?”

  He shrugs, plucking out blades of grass and tossing them. “She’s sad, and you’re sad. But when you’re together, you’re not sad.”

  The corners of my mouth tip upward. “You’re an observant little shit.”

  Brandon grins. “Adults always think kids don’t know what’s going on.”

  “But we do,” Miles says.

  “Yeah, you probably know more than us grown-ups. Everything is simple when you’re little. We mess it up as we get older.”

  Brandon fiddles with the edge of his towel. “Uncle Cole, can I ask you something, even though Mom told me not to?”

  My spine straightens and I inhale a deep breath, bracing myself for the importance of this conversation. “Sure, kid. What’s up?”

  Miles chews his thumbnail, watching his older brother with wide eyes.

  “Why did your baby die?”

  Tightness constricts my lungs, and I want to get up and walk away. Avoid this conversation. Retreat like I always do. But this is a child, and he’s asking to understand. I can’t push him away.

  I clear my throat. “I don’t know. I ask myself that question every day. Sometimes things happen in life that we can’t explain. We can’t make sense of it.”

  “But she was just a baby.” Miles’ freckled nose scrunches, pushing his black-rimmed glasses up. “Was she sick?”

  I shake my head. “No.”

  “That’s really sad.” Brandon hugs the towel tighter around his midsection. “Did you cry?”

  I nod, swallowing around the lump in my throat. “Still do.”

  “Callie was gonna have a baby once,” Miles says. “But now she doesn’t have one. Does that mean her baby died too?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Wow.” He leans back on his elbows, staring up at the twilight sky, undoubtedly trying to wrap his head around the tragic mysteries of life.

  “I think you should be Callie’s boyfriend, Uncle Cole.”

  I lift an eyebrow at Brandon. “Oh, yeah?”

  He nods. “She’s a really nice person. And she doesn’t treat us like all the other adults treat us. She’s different.”

  Miles holds up his index finger. “And she always smells really good.”

  A chuckle bursts from my chest. “She does, doesn’t she?”

  “I’m serious,” Brandon says. His dark eyebrows dip down. “You’re not so angry when you’re around her.”

  I don’t think anybody could be angry around Callie.

  “It’s more complicated than that, little man.” I reach over and ruffle his hair. “I’m sorry I haven’t been the best uncle. I’m working on it.”

  “That’s okay, Uncle Cole.” Miles grins. “We still love you.”

  Warmth surges in my chest, rolling over me like a warm blanket. “I love you too.”

  Josie calls the boys inside, and they scramble to their feet.

  Before he leaves, Brandon stands over me, gazing down with pensive eyes. “If you can work on being a better uncle, then you can work on being better with Callie too. I think you should try.”

  He’s gone before I can respond, though I’m not sure I would’ve had anything to say to that.

  The kid rendered me speechless.

  Maybe he’s right.

  Twenty-Seven

  Callie

  Cole hasn’t come to the diner for lunch all week.

  So I’m surprised to see him waiting with his back against the glass outside the diner when I arrive on Friday morning.

  I feel foolish for going to the pool house the night we kissed, as if I were desperate and threw myself at him. I’ve tried to blame it on the wine I drank or the talk I had with Josie beforehand, but I know that, deep down, part of me wanted something to happen with Cole.

  I can’t deny it.

  It’s more than his handsome face. It goes deeper than his sexy, muscular body. Paul has all that on the outside too, and it proved meaningless in the end.

  My attraction to Cole is because of our connection. It’s in the way he sees who I truly am and doesn’t want to stifle
me. He encourages and supports me. He’s helped me along my journey as I’ve come to the realization that I am capable and strong.

  And as much as he hates to admit it, he’s given me hope. Hope that there’s life after loss. That I can find happiness after tragedy. That Paul hasn’t destroyed my heart and that I can learn to love again.

  Whatever happens between me and Cole, I’ll always be grateful for him.

  Now if only I could stop my brain from replaying the earth-shattering kiss every two seconds.

  “It’s a little early for lunch.” I stop in front of him and slip my hands into my back pockets.

  “This couldn’t wait until lunch. I’ve been thinking about what you said all week. You’re right. I’m scared. I’m scared of feeling this way about you. I shouldn’t want you, but I can’t stay away.”

  I swallow around the lump in my throat. “Why shouldn’t you want me? Why is it so wrong to feel happy?”

  He squeezes his eyes closed as if he can shut out my words. “Because I don’t deserve it. I know I don’t.”

  “Why don’t you let me be the judge of that? I’m a grown woman, Cole. And I’m scared too. I’ve been through hell. But I want to give this a chance. I want to enjoy what we have and see where it goes. We can live in the moment—together.”

  He hums, touching his forehead to mine. “I want to try. You make me want to try.”

  Then he presses his lips to mine.

  My hands fist in his ratty, stained T-shirt, and I lift onto the balls of my feet to gain better access to his mouth. We kiss as if we haven’t seen each other in months, urgent and insistent.

  Someone passes us on the sidewalk and clears their throat. Cole and I break apart, smiling, our cheeks tinged with pink.

  I don’t say anything more because I don’t want to spoil the moment.

  But whether he wants to admit it or not, Cole has found hope.

  “Hello. Anybody home?”

  My shoulders jerk at the sound of Gertie’s voice.

  She clicks her tongue and pushes me aside, snatching the spatula from my hand. “You’re burning the eggs, sugar.”

  I glance down at the griddle, and sure enough, the over-easy eggs are over-charred.

  “I’m sorry, Gertie.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Just tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours that has you in a fog all week.”

  I lean against the stainless-steel countertop and toss my hairnet into the garbage can. “I’m fine, Gertie. I’m just in my head a lot lately. Wondering if I’ll ever find love again. Wondering when it’s okay to start dating.”

  “And does this wondering have anything to do with why Cole hasn’t been here these past few days?”

  I close my eyes and roll my lips together before blurting out the words, “I kissed Cole last Saturday.”

  Her eyes go wide, and she clutches her chest.

  “I know, I know. I’m just as shocked as you are. But—” My words are cut off when I realize that Gertie isn’t holding herself in surprise.

  She’s gripping herself in pain.

  I rush toward her as she slumps forward. “Gertie, oh my God. What’s wrong? What’s happening?”

  She lets out constricted gasps of pain, and it’s then that I realize she’s touching the left side of her chest.

  “Help!” I yell as loud as I can, hoping one of the waiters hears me from the dining room.

  I lower Gertie to the floor, propping her against the oven door as I dig my hand into my apron for my cell.

  Please be okay, Gertie.

  Two of the waiters burst through the kitchen door.

  “Oh my God!” Ashley drops to her knees beside us. “What happened?”

  “I think she’s having a heart attack. I’m calling for an ambulance.” I press my phone to my ear. “Do either of you have aspirin?”

  Ashley shakes her head, eyes frantic.

  “I’ll go ask the customers if they have anything,” Sarah says, running out of the kitchen.

  I hold Gertie in my arms while we wait for an ambulance. Sarah quickly returns with a small white pill and a glass of water.

  I slip the pill into Gertie’s mouth and tip her head back so the water doesn’t spill out. “Try to swallow this. It’s going to help.”

  She chokes and sputters, but the water washes the pill down her throat.

  “It’s going to be okay, Gertie,” I whisper. “I’ve got you. You’re going to be okay.”

  I just wish I knew that for a fact.

  In the waiting room, I attempt to fill out paperwork to keep myself occupied, but I don’t know any of Gertie’s information. The only people she has are the people who come to her diner.

  Tears continue to spill down my cheeks while I wait, imagining the worst-case scenarios.

  What if she dies?

  What if she doesn’t die but has severe brain damage?

  What if she’s a vegetable for the rest of her life?

  What if I wasn’t quick enough to call for help?

  “Callie!”

  I spin around to find Cole running through the sliding glass door. Scrambling to my feet, I meet him halfway and collapse in his arms.

  “Are you okay?” He buries his nose in my hair and breathes in deep.

  “Gertie had a heart attack. What if she dies, Cole? I don’t want her to die.”

  Cole’s arms tighten around me. “Shh, it’s okay. We don’t know that Gertie’s going to die.”

  “I don’t know her social security number. I don’t know if she has health insurance. I don’t even know if she has family. Isn’t that awful? I should know these things.”

  He cups my face and tilts it up. “None of that is important right now. We’ll figure it all out later. Let’s just wait and see what the doctor says.”

  I nod, my chin trembling as I fight to stop crying.

  Cole’s thumb brushes my tears away. “When I got your message to meet you at the hospital, I thought something happened to you. For that split second, my heart stopped, and all I could think about was you not being here.” He swallows, struggling to push the words out. “On this earth.”

  My chest aches, and I touch my palm to his cheek.

  “I panicked,” he continues. “And even though I knew it was Gertie, I kept imagining it was you. It felt like I was rushing here to find you in that hospital bed. It threw me for a loop. Made me realize that I’m in this a lot deeper than I thought I was.”

  What does that mean?

  I want to ask, but I know it’s not the right time or place. “I’m sorry you thought it was me, Cole. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  His eyes plead with me to understand. “But you can be gone in an instant.”

  He’s right. But does that mean it isn’t worth it to try? To have something great for a little while rather than have nothing at all?

  I’m about to speak when a doctor emerges from the double doors and calls my name. “Mrs. Kingston?”

  “Yes.” I turn and reach for Cole’s hand.

  The doctor gestures to the chairs nearby. “Please have a seat.”

  My stomach churns, and Cole’s hand squeezes mine tighter as we walk across the room.

  Please let her be all right.

  “I’m Dr. Fuller,” he says once we’re seated. “Miss May is stable.”

  “Oh, thank God.” A relieved breath rushes out of me. “Will she be okay?”

  “She suffered a heart attack, so it’s a good thing you got her here as soon as you did. This will take a toll on her physically, due to her age, but with a change in diet and some medications, she should make a full recovery.”

  I bury my face in my hands as the tears overflow.

  “Is she awake?” Cole asks. “Can we see her?”

  “She’s resting now. I can have one of the nurses inform you when she wakes up.”

  I shake the doctor’s outstretched hand as he stands. “Thank you so much.”

  After he walks away, Cole snake
s his arm around me and rubs my back in soothing circles. “She’s going to be so happy to see you here.”

  “I should call the girls at the diner and let them know. They’ll be so relieved. We should have a Welcome Back party for Gertie when she gets home.”

  “That’s a great idea. Is there anything I can get for you while you’re on the phone? Coffee or snacks? You’re probably starving.”

  “Sure. I’ll eat anything.”

  He pushes to his feet, but my hand shoots out for his before he can walk away. “Thank you for coming.”

  Cole smiles, and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. “I’ll always be here when you need me, Callie.”

  Warmth pools in my chest at his words.

  Is that a promise? Or is that just one of those things people say to make you feel better?

  I guess it doesn’t matter how he meant it because I know the way I want him to mean it.

  I guess I’m in deeper than I realized, too.

  After I make a few calls, Josie arrives. “I’m here! Sorry it took me so long. How’s Gertie? Any word yet?”

  “She had a heart attack, but she’s okay. We’re waiting for her to wake up so we can see her.”

  “That’s great!” She glances around. “Did Cole get here yet?”

  I nod. “He went to get some food.”

  “He almost shit a brick when he thought you were in the hospital.”

  I grimace. “He told me.”

  “He cares about you, Cal. He’s just so damn scared to lose you. He thinks that if he keeps his distance, nothing bad will happen.”

  I lean forward. “Josie, what happened to him? He won’t tell me, and I feel like I’d understand this whole puzzle if someone filled in the missing pieces.”

  She blows a stream of air through her lips. “I can’t tell you if he isn’t ready for you to know. Just be patient with him.” She covers my hand with hers. “My mom used to say, ‘When someone pushes you away, you need to find the strength to hold on tighter.’ I think that’s what Cole needs you to do. Don’t let him push you away. You’re the only one who can get through to him.”

  My lips tug downward. “I’m sorry I asked. I shouldn’t put you in the middle like that.”