Dance While You Can

by Susan Lewis

  She’d run into the house before I could catch her, and as the decorator was bearing down on me with yet more curtain samples for the new bathroom, I had to let it go for the moment. But it wasn’t forgotten, and the next day, although I had promised her she could go with Jeffrey to collect Edward from the airport, I made her stay in her room.

  The new tennis courts were ready, so I challenged David to a game before lunch.

  ‘You mean you’ve got the time?’ he teased.

  ‘Don’t say it like that. It’s hard work getting this house together.’

  As we strolled down to the courts Charlotte was watching us from her window. David waved out, but when I turned round she shrank back. The sun was already beating down, it was no day for a child to be cooped up in a bedroom, but when David started to plead on her behalf I shoved a racket into his hand and told him to play.

  I wasn’t sure whether it was the heat, or the fact that I hadn’t had any breakfast that morning, but after four games I started to feel dizzy. And when I missed a fourth service David asked if anything was the matter.

  After that I didn’t remember anything until I woke up in my bed with the doctor gazing down at me. I tried to struggle up, but he pushed me back. Then I heard Charlotte, sobbing outside the door. The doctor let her in and she ran into my arms.

  ‘Are you going to be all right, Mum?’ she said.

  ‘Of course I am, darling. I fainted, that’s all. And it serves me right, I shouldn’t have been so awful to you. Will you forgive me?’

  She nodded and I started to get out of bed, reminding her that we had the summer fête to organise. At that moment the doctor came back, and when he saw me hunting round for my dressing-gown he started to shake his head. ‘Back to bed for you, young lady,’ he said. ‘Your brother-in-law has been filling me in on all you’ve been doing lately and – ‘

  ‘Oh doctor, honestly. It’s an extremely hot day, and you know what they say, a little hard work never killed anyone. So I’d like to get up now, if you don’t mind.’

  The doctor put his hand on Charlotte’s head. ‘How about going downstairs and asking Mary to bring us up a nice cup of tea?’

  Once she’d gone the doctor pulled back the bedclothes and pointed to the bed. ‘In you go,’ he said, ‘it’s about time you and I had a bit of a talk.’

  I didn’t get up again until early September. During those weeks I couldn’t bear anyone near me except Charlotte, but even when she was there all I could do was stare at her and stroke her hair. I knew I was frightening her, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what the doctor had told me. I couldn’t even think of it myself. I had sworn him to secrecy, telling him I wanted to deal with this in my own time and in my own way.

  Despite my breakdown, during this time I noticed that Edward was changing towards me. It was as if he had put a barrier between us. He was still as kind and solicitous as ever, but there was a ring to his voice I didn’t recognise. How much he understood about the reason for my breakdown, I didn’t know, but he was away more often than he was at home, and as far as I could tell Christine had all but taken over the daily running of his life. He talked only about her when he came to my room, and wouldn’t allow me to speak at all. It was breaking my heart to see how much he was suffering, but there was nothing I could do.

  Then, for no accountable reason, I woke up one September morning feeling I couldn’t wait to face the world again.

  Everyone looked up as I walked into the breakfast room, and the sunny smile I beamed at them so took them by surprise that Jeffrey, who was pouring the tea, allowed it to overflow into Christine’s saucer.

  Edward stood up and put his arms round me. His kind face looked down into mine, and I saw the lines deepen around his eyes as he smiled. They were more pronounced now than they had been and I knew I was to blame. I reached up to touch his face, then pulling him closer, lifted my mouth for him to kiss me.

  ‘We must all go out for dinner,’ I announced, pulling up a chair. ‘Tonight. It will be a belated celebration of Edward’s birthday. What do you say?’

  Still looking somewhat bemused, they nodded. ‘Yes,’ Charlotte echoed, giving her egg a bashing. ‘Can I come too?’

  ‘You’ve to be up for school in the morning, darling.’

  ‘Oh, Mum!’ she groaned.

  ‘Let her come,’ Edward said, tousling her hair. ‘We can always make it an early dinner.’

  ‘Yippee! Will you let me choose the wine, David?’

  I looked at her aghast. ‘The wine?’

  ‘I’m afraid it’s her latest hobby,’ David admitted. ‘She heard Edward discussing it with someone on the phone, and insisted he teach her. The happy task befell me. No, no, don’t worry, we haven’t got around to the tasting bit yet.’

  I shook my head and laughed. What would Alexander make of her? But I mustn’t allow myself to think of that.

  We arrived home just before ten that night, after going to the French restaurant in the village. Charlotte fell asleep in the car on the way back, and drowsily insisted that Edward take her up to bed. David poured the brandy while we waited for Edward to join us. He was a long time in coming.

  ‘I had to tell her the story of Osiris and Isis again,’ he explained, as he came to sit beside me.

  ‘Who?’

  ‘The great Egyptian love story of an ancient god and his goddess.’

  ‘You must tell it to me sometime,’ I said.

  ‘Don’t, or he will,’ Christine warned. ‘But if he does, get him to tell you all the bits I’ll bet he misses out with Charlotte, like how Osiris’s body was cut into fourteen pieces, and the only bit missing when they put him together again was the phallus.’

  ‘I don’t miss those bits out at all,’ Edward objected.

  ‘Don’t you?’ I laughed. ‘Didn’t she want to know what a phallus was?’

  ‘She most certainly did, so I told her. Then she asked me if I had one, and then she wanted to know if she could see it. So I explained that it was a part of the body people didn’t show each other until they got married.’

  ‘Oh God, Edward, you’re the limit,’ Christine said.

  ‘You haven’t heard the best part yet. After complaining bitterly at how long she’d have to wait for that, she went off to inspect her dolls. Canary caught her. I tell you the whole thing was worth it just to see Canary’s face when Charlotte said “phallus”.’

  I waited for the laughter to subside, then clutching my glass nervously and trying hard to sound casual, I said: ‘If Charlotte was to have a little brother, she wouldn’t have to wait quite so long, would she?’

  I should have sensed the mood change then, but I didn’t. I looked from Edward to Christine to David, not seeing the emptiness of their smiles. ‘That’s why I wanted us all to go out to dinner,’ I went on, ‘but I didn’t want to say anything with Charlotte there – I thought I would tell her on our own.’

  ‘Tell her what, darling?’ There was an edge to Edward’s voice that in my excitement I chose to ignore.

  ‘That I’m going to have a baby.’

  I heard Christine gasp, but she was looking at Edward. So was David. Their faces were white.

  ‘It’s due in February,’ I added lamely.

  There was a long silence. I turned to Edward and saw he was staring into his drink. Then David got up and said he was going to bed. Christine followed.

  I went to pour Edward some more brandy. When I handed it to him he ignored me, so I put it on the table beside him.

  ‘Come and sit down, Elizabeth,’ he said eventually.

  He took my hands between his and as he looked up I saw how sad his face was. That night had been the first time in months he had relaxed with me, but now, despite the love that shone in his eyes, I sensed him pushing me away. ‘Darling, I should have told you this a long time ago, but you always swore that Charlotte was enough and you never wanted any more children. You see, my first wife gave birth to a stillborn child. It was a girl, and I sometimes won
der if that’s why I love Charlotte so much.’ He smiled. ‘But who could help loving Charlotte? Anyway, the birth was difficult and my wife almost died. Afterwards she was advised not to try again, so I had a vasectomy to save her from any more pain.’

  Until that moment I don’t think I’d realised the insanity of what I had tried to do. I stared at him, struck dumb by the sheer horror of it.

  It was some time before he spoke again. ‘You don’t have to tell me anything, darling, but it might help if you did.’

  I buried my face in my hands. My self-loathing was so complete I couldn’t speak.

  ‘Is it Charlotte’s father?’

  I nodded.

  ‘You were with him when you went away?’

  I looked up into his face. I thought he had aged since I’d been ill, but now he looked almost haggard. ‘Edward,’ I sobbed, ‘I don’t know what made me say it. I don’t . . .’

  ‘Hush, hush. People often say or do things they don’t mean when they are hurting badly. I know how much you love him, Elizabeth, I’ve always known.’

  Hearing him say that, I wanted to get up and run and never stop. I wished he would hit me or shout at me, his kindness and understanding were tearing me apart.

  ‘Does he know about the baby?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Will you tell him?’

  I shook my head. ‘I can’t. There’s nothing he can . . . I’m sorry, Edward. Please forgive me. No, don’t forgive me. I’ll go. I’ll go as far away from your life as I can. You can divorce me, I won’t make any claim on you. I’m sorry, Edward, I’m . . .’

  ‘Hush now, you’re not going anywhere. I know you don’t love me in the way you love him, Elizabeth, but I love you, and I love Charlotte too. I don’t want to lose you.’

  ‘But what about the baby?’ I looked at him, suddenly stricken with panic. ‘I. couldn’t have an abortion.’

  He put his hand over my mouth. ‘Of course not. The baby will be mine – if you allow it to be. No one need know, only the family.’

  ‘No, Edward, I can’t let you do it.’

  ‘I want to do it, Elizabeth. But I have one condition, and I suppose even that’s not a condition, I would want you to stay anyway. But if you can, I want you to promise me you will never see him again.’

  For an instant I thought I heard Alexander’s voice telling me to deny him, warning me not to listen. But I had to ignore it. Alexander was again a part of my past, and this man here, my husband, who loved me more than any woman ever deserved to be loved, was waiting for my answer. I made him the promise.

  In the early hours of the morning I woke to find the bed empty beside me. When I went to find Edward I saw lights in the Egyptian Room and tried the door, but it was locked. I listened, and after a while I could hear him sobbing.

  – 21 –

  Edward didn’t come back to bed at all that night. The following morning he joined Christine on an early flight to Cairo, leaving me a note to say he would ring when he got there. After what had happened it was a relief not to have to face them, and when David left a message with Jeffrey to say he’d gone up to London for a few days, I guessed he too was anxious to avoid seeing me.

  When Charlotte arrived home from school, she came up to my room and we sat on the window-seat for a long time, drawing patterns on the steamy windows. As she chattered, I tried so many times to tell her about the baby, but every time I opened my mouth the words wouldn’t come.

  Life was so cruel, and yet in other ways so kind. While it allowed me to have Alexander’s children, it would not allow me to be with him. I put my arms round Charlotte and hugged her tight. At least I would always have a part of him, but what did Alexander have? I couldn’t bear to think of how unhappy he might be. I never once doubted his love, nor how much he must want to be with Charlotte and me.

  But what about Edward? Last night had served to remind me just how much he loved me. Often I sensed the struggle he had to keep his feelings under control and always knew when he was losing the battle because he would go away. His love was so overpowering, at times I could almost see the way it threatened to engulf him. It was as if I wasn’t real but an object to be treasured, revered almost. But it was the complexity of his sophistication and almost childlike adoration that made me want to protect him.

  When he came back from Cairo three days later, I could see how relieved he was that I was still there, that I hadn’t run away, and my heart twisted with pity and guilt. He talked excitedly about the deal he had in hand, but wouldn’t go into detail because he wanted it to be a surprise. He asked about Charlotte, wanting to know everything we’d done while he was away. Then he laid his hand on my stomach and told me he loved me. I turned away before I could stop myself, but he didn’t notice. His eyes were almost glazed as he seemed to drift into a world of his own. It was at moments like that, when he appeared so remote, that I wondered how well I really knew him.

  Christine stayed in Cairo much longer than was originally planned. She rang Edward daily, but he took the calls in his study and she never asked to speak to me. After the calls he always seemed distracted, irritable almost, but when I asked him why he just said that the man they were dealing with in Cairo had an absurd passion for riddles. After one such phone call he got his secretary to book him on a flight to Istanbul and was gone for five days, during which he didn’t ring home once.

  Christine returned four weeks later. Edward and I were at an art dealer’s party in London. He hadn’t told me Christine was flying back that night, so I was surprised when she walked in around eleven. She greeted the host and his wife, throwing her arms around them in the ostentatious manner they all affected. Everyone wanted to know how she had got on in Cairo. She exchanged a quick glance with Edward – then declared loudly that they were all a very poor bunch, bombarding her with questions the minute she walked through the door and not even offering her a drink. Then she went off into a corner with Edward, and they talked quietly but heatedly for several minutes, before separating and mingling with the other guests again.

  I waited, watching her from the corner of my eye as she worked her way round the room. Eventually she was standing behind me, talking to Edward’s secretary. I’d been dreading seeing her, and now she was so pointedly ignoring me I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly I felt a thump in my back.

  ‘Oh Elizabeth, I’m so sorry.’ Her voice was thick with sarcasm.

  I smiled. ‘No harm done. How are you?’

  ‘Very well.’ She looked me up and down. ‘No need to ask how you are.’

  I tried again. ‘You’ve been gone ages, I missed you.’

  ‘Did you, sister-in-law darling? And what about when you were off wherever it was with your lover? Did you miss me then? Or were you too busy to think about anyone else? You know, like the people who were left looking after your daughter?’

  I stared at her.

  ‘Oh, so you didn’t miss me then. How about Edward? Did you miss him while you were away screwing another man? You know, the man whose child you tried to push on to my brother? She was shouting now, and I looked round wildly to see if anyone had heard her.

  ‘What’s the matter, Elizabeth, afraid everyone will find out what a sly, conniving little bitch you are?’

  ‘Christine, please . . .’

  ‘“Christine please!” I could kill you for what you’ve done to Edward. He’s never hurt anyone in his whole life – but you’ve hurt him all right, haven’t you, you slut! You’re not fit to bear his name, you never were. Why don’t you do us all a favour and take your bastards back to the gutter where you belong!’

  I felt myself being dragged backwards and there was a loud crack as Edward’s hand flew across Christine’s face. ‘Go home, now!’ he hissed, then without uttering another word he took my arm and marched me out of the room.

  When we arrived home Edward told me to go upstairs. He caught Christine’s arm as she made to follow me, and pulled her into his study. Once the door had closed I went back to the
landing. Even though their voices were raised it was difficult to make out what they were saying, but I did hear Christine telling Edward to pull himself together and ‘see the little slut for what she really is.’

  The door opened then, and as Edward came out I drew back into the shadows.

  ‘You’re doing this because of her!’ Christine yelled. ‘She’s not worth it!’

  Edward turned back. His voice was too low for me to hear, but when Christine answered I knew they were no longer talking about me.

  ‘You’ve got to be insane even to think of it! How the hell are they going to get in? Have you thought about that?’

  ‘Yes, I’ve thought about it. All we have to do is talk to the . . .’ I couldn’t make out what Edward said after that because the door closed again.

  It was the early hours of the morning when I finally heard Christine come upstairs. When Edward didn’t follow I tiptoed down to his study. He wasn’t there, but I was shocked when I saw the chaos on his desk; catalogues and leaflets were strewn all over it, and on top of the pile was a blown-up colour photograph of the Tutankhamun death mask. I closed the door quickly, feeling, for no earthly reason, that I had intruded upon something I hadn’t been meant to see.

  At the bottom of the west stairs I hesitated and looked up at the silent landing. There was only one light at the end of the gallery, casting long shadows across the walls. A sixth sense warned me not to go to the Egyptian Room. I remembered the way Christine had looked at Edward when she’d arrived at the party, and the oddness of Edward’s manner after the phone calls from Cairo. I thought of the curious exchange I had heard only a few hours ago in Edward’s study. I stood there in the half-darkness, and as my skin prickled with sentience I was suddenly engulfed by a premonition that something very sinister was going on at Westmoor.

  Jonathan was born the following February, only three days after Alexander’s birthday. It was a difficult birth and Edward was there throughout. Afterwards I couldn’t bring myself to hold the baby, and the more Edward fussed and cuddled him, the worse I became. I was in hospital for four days, then Edward, David and Charlotte came to take us home. Christine wasn’t there, nor had she come to visit.