To Protect and Serve

by Pat Adeff

  “Hi, Mom!” Christy never seemed to do anything at less than full throttle. It always made Nancy smile. And for some weird reason, it always irritated Jonathon. Oh, well.

  “Hi, sweetie! Have fun?”

  “Yeah. We went down to the creek and caught some frogs.”

  “You didn’t bring any in the car, did you?” Kate was half laughing, half serious.

  “Nope. We let them go after one of them peed on Blake’s hand.”

  “Oh, gross!” Kate was laughing hard.

  “We’re going shopping, want to come along?” Nancy laughed along with her two girls. They made everything she’d been going through worth it.

  While at the grocery store, it seemed to Nancy that the only people shopping except for her and the girls were couples. Young couples. Old couples. Middle age couples. Everyone was part of a couple except her. It made Nancy tired just thinking about what had gone wrong with the marriage. She was so absorbed in her own thoughts, that she missed the look that passed between Kate and Christy. Then she had no more time

  to think when her girls started telling her about everything they’d done

  that day, in great detail and with much animation. They brought a smile to her face.

  Later that afternoon, while Nancy was putting groceries away in the kitchen, Jonathon walked in from the garage, wiped his feet on the small mat at the back door and started to head upstairs to his home office.

  “Jonathon. Do you have a minute?” Nancy was secretly pleased with herself at just how calm she sounded.

  “Uh, sure.”

  He had been treading sort of lightly around Nancy. After getting back from her parents house, she’d made the living room couch into her bed. She supposed she should have made him sleep on the couch, but she just didn’t want to have to put up with his complaining after his back was sure to go out if he wasn’t able to sleep on his expensive “orthopedic” bed.

  They must have gone through six different beds in Jonathon’s search for the perfect night’s sleep.

  She remembered how he’d insisted on using a waterbed during the time she was pregnant with Kate. She had tried explaining to him that she wasn’t comfortable in the bed; that she just couldn’t move easily because she couldn’t get any sort of leverage to shift from one side to the other. However, Jonathon’s back took precedence over her state of pregnancy and Nancy somehow made it through the pregnancy without too much difficulty. That was the first time she’d moved to the living room couch for any length of time.

  Now Nancy watched him walk back to the kitchen area and sit tentatively on one of the barstools at the kitchen counter. He didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands and after several uncomfortable

  attempts, finally settled on putting them on top of the counter in a loose grip.

  Was it only a year ago that they’d gone shopping for those barstools? Everything had seemed fine then. What had happened?

  Nancy tried to suppress her sigh. She’d be damned if she’d let him see that she wasn’t doing well.

  “I was thinking that we should put the house on the market right away. I really don’t want to stay here with the girls. We’ll move closer to the school before the new school year starts.” Nancy was pleased that her voice sounded pleasant. She felt slightly more in control.

  ‘Um. I meant to tell you.” Jonathon’s eyes flitted everywhere but at Nancy.

  “Meant to tell me what?” Okay. Good so far. Still sounded normal.

  “I already, uh, called the real estate lady. She’s coming over tonight to have us sign the papers to sell the house.”

  Nancy just stood there, a box of cereal in one hand and a bag of chips in the other, and stared at him. Just about the time she thought that she had pulled it all together, he broadsided her with something new. He’d already contacted the realtor without consulting with her. Typical Jonathon.

  “Uh, okay.” Nancy swallowed. “When is she due?” Forget trying to sound normal. Just get through this conversation.

  “What time is it?” Jonathon looked around the kitchen as though he didn’t know damn well where the clock was.

  Nancy started to tell him the time, just like she’d always jumped whenever he’d asked for something throughout their whole married life. This time, though, he’d have to get it himself. Within seconds some door inside of her soul slammed shut. It no longer mattered to her what Jonathon thought about her. It actually felt good to just stand there and make him do something for himself for once.

  Jonathon waited, still stuck in the habits of the past. When he looked over at Nancy, waiting for her to tell him what time it was, he was stunned to find her humming and putting away the groceries! He wasn’t upset, just surprised. Usually Nancy was pretty reliable in what she’d do.

  “I think she might be due right now.” His voice sounded smaller.

  “Now? As in 6:00 o’clock?” Nancy frustration started to show in her expression and voice.

  “Aw, come on, Nancy. Don’t go getting all upset! You always do this! She’s just coming over to sign some papers. It’s no big deal. You always make such a big deal out of nothing.” Jonathon had gone back to offense-mode.

  Usually at this point in the conversation, Nancy would say that she wasn’t upset, really. She’d apologize for her outburst, and then she’d try to move the conversation back into safer waters.

  This time, however, she didn’t care. She ignored him while she finished putting away the groceries and started dinner. Okay, okay, so she slammed some cupboards while doing it. Grilled chicken, fresh veggies, potatoes, but no rice - Jonathon was allergic to rice, unless his mother made it - and a tossed salad. Nancy smiled to herself as she hand-shredded the lettuce – imagining each piece was a piece of Jonathon.

  What the heck, Nancy added a pot of rice. She supposed that some TV guru would say that she was being “passive-aggressive” but she just didn’t care. The simple truth was that she and the girls liked rice. She just never made it for dinner because Jonathon made such a big fuss over the fact that he was allergic to it. He didn’t swell up or get hives or anything that drastic. He just had digestion problems. No one was forcing it down his throat. He didn’t have to eat the rice.

  Nancy set an extra plate at the table. If the real estate lady showed up during dinner time, she’d probably be hungry. There was no sense in stopping dinner just for business.

  At some point while Nancy was cooking, Jonathon must have wandered off to his computer. It felt good to not feel that she had to answer to him. There was a kind of freedom in it.

  In fact, Nancy was feeling so perky that she went into the garage and found an old am/fm radio, brought it into the kitchen and tuned in a 1940’s swing station. Dinner was easy to cook while humming along with Benny Goodman.

  The lady showed up, papers in hand, at 7:00 o’clock.

  “Please join us for dinner. There’s plenty.” Nancy was actually glad to have someone else at the dinner table.

  To Nancy’s surprise, the woman accepted. She smiled and said that she hadn’t eaten anything since lunch and was starving. As the meal progressed, Nancy and the girls had a wonderful conversation with the realtor. Nancy could tell that Jonathon was becoming disgruntled because they were wasting time with what he called “chitchat.” And for once, she didn’t try to soothe him.

  Finally, the real estate lady finished dinner as well as the conversation they were having, and handed Jonathon the papers to sign.

  “Why are you selling?” the woman said while looking in her briefcase for a pen. She finally looked up when her question was met

  with silence. She looked over at Nancy. Nancy was stunned to learn that Jonathon hadn’t said anything to the lady.

  “We’re getting a divorce.” Jonathon’s voice seemed almost sincerely sad. Nancy couldn’t believe that he was trying to make it sound as though this was a mutually agreed upon decision!

  “Jonathon asked for a divorce a couple of weeks ago.” Nancy tried to keep her vo
ice neutral. For some reason it was important to Nancy that it be known that Jonathon had wanted the divorce, not her.

  The lady paused, looking between Nancy and Jonathon’s faces, trying to decipher the tone of conversation. Nancy took pity on her and moved along with the papers.

  The rest of dinner was an odd affair. The girls became unusually quiet. No more stories of the exploits of that day graced the dinner table. Nancy and the woman haltingly discussed the new Mayor and his daughter’s latest escapade with the local authorities.

  When the front door was finally closed after all papers had been signed in what seemed like ten copies each, Nancy went to the kitchen and started doing dishes after she’d sent the girls off to get ready for bed.

  Jonathon came into the kitchen as she was loading the dishwasher, and leaned against one of the counters. She had to move around him to get some of the dirty pots and pans from the stove.

  He just leaned there, not helping as usual, with his arms crossed.

  “Do you want to talk?”

  “No, not really.” Nancy was rinsing out the glasses before putting them into the top rack.

  “Well, then what was that all about?” Jonathon sounded edgy.

  “What was what all about?” Nancy pushed in the top rack and pulled out the bottom rack for the plates.

  “Will you stop that and look at me?” Now he just sounded mad.

  “Actually, no I won’t. You see, usually after one of these types of conversations, you go to bed, and I am up late finishing the dishes, getting lunches ready for tomorrow and getting one last load of laundry done. Tonight, I’m going to get enough sleep. If you want to talk, we’ll do it tomorrow after work.” With that said, Nancy went back to putting plates and pots in the bottom rack of the dishwasher. She wasn’t sure exactly when Jonathon left the kitchen.

  When her head finally hit her pillow, Nancy felt almost good. For the first time in a long time, she slept throughout the whole night and woke up feeling rested.

  In fact, she felt so energized that that weekend she painted the downstairs guest bathroom a soft sage green and added some pretty ecru lace towels she found on sale. Then she went to the new little downtown boutique and picked up some pink rose-scented bars of soap and a small container of potpourri.

  Their realtor was delighted with the bathroom and asked Nancy to do the upstairs one as well. She felt the value of the house would go up with the improved décor. The only reason Jonathon did not voice any disapproval this time, was because he liked the idea of more money for the house.

  And so life continued for the next several weeks.

  CHAPTER 3

  “Menopause!?!”

  Dr. Worksley looked up from Nancy’s patient folder where she’d been studying the lab results.

  “No, not menopause. Perimenopause. Does that bother you, Nancy?”

  Dr. Worksley was an excellent doctor. Nancy had found her two years previously when Jonathon’s health plan from work was switched ... again.

  “No. I’m just surprised. That’s all.” Nancy lifted one shoulder and tried to appear composed, while sitting on the hard examining table wearing nothing more than thin paper. Perimenopause. Well, that pretty much put the icing on the cake. Could her life get any more complicated?

  After receiving the usual advice of “get more sleep, cut down on sugar and coffee, and try to fit in some time for exercise,” Nancy was released from her yearly physical.

  She’d declined Dr. Worksley’s offer of a prescription for hormone replacement drugs. Nancy thought she’d wait a bit to see what was going to happen before taking a pill. This certainly explained the hot flashes and her inability to sleep through the night.

  After getting dressed, Nancy stopped by the front desk and paid her co-pay. She only had two more years on Jonathon’s health plan according to the divorce agreement. She had no idea what she would do after that. The private school where she worked didn’t offer medical benefits.

  Driving back to work, Nancy had time to contemplate where her life was going now that she and the girls were living by themselves.

  Jonathon had managed to land at one of the newer singles apartment complexes, complete with pool, spa, outdoor barbecue, gym room and a gaggle of firm, attractive 20-somethings.

  Nancy and the girls were renting a house close to the school. The house was old and the landlord was slightly creepy. However, the neighborhood was wonderful and their neighbors were happy to have a nice normal woman and her nice normal children living there. Apparently the previous tenants hadn’t fit in very well with the family-based neighborhood. The girls each had their own bedroom and Nancy even had room for an office! Unfortunately most of her office stuff was still in boxes, but at least there was no one to complain to her about it.

  It had been three months since the split. Three months that had produced some interesting results. Jonathon was already dating someone. He sure hadn’t wasted any time. Whereas, Nancy had decided that her girls came first. Besides, she just wasn’t in the mood to date. She was enjoying not being criticized 24/7. So she had made the

  conscious decision to wait until the girls were out on their own to throw her hat back in the dating pool – ring – whatever.

  Jonathon had joined an adult volleyball team, a Tai Chi group in Newport Beach, a fencing class that he’d talked Kate into attending with him, not to mention the bicycling club that Nancy personally thought was ridiculous. He looked awful in the spandex outfits they wore. When had she ever thought Jonathon attractive?

  Nancy had also been busy during those three months.

  She’d purchase her first car, gotten a new queen-size bed that she thought was extravagant, gained 12 pounds (not on purpose) and during one glorious pity-party had burned all of her wedding pictures.

  Kate and Christy seemed to be hanging in there despite the stress of the split. Kate had even gone to her first prom, which could have gone smoother. Jonathon was supposed to drive Kate and her date to the dance but was late picking her up, which of course put Kate in a bad mood, which made her date nervous, which made for five days of very uncomfortable living around the house for Nancy and Christy after, what came to be known as, the Prom Fiasco.

  When Nancy asked about his tardiness, Jonathon casually said that he’d had to work.

  When Nancy asked why he hadn’t called to say he was running late, Jonathon told her to stop making it into such a big deal. Nancy sighed and decided that she’d just drive from now on. It was so much easier than trying to work with Jonathon.

  Between the two girls, Christy seemed to be doing better. One evening after supper, she told Nancy that she was glad they weren’t living with dad anymore. Nancy asked her why. Christy replied that she liked not getting yelled at all the time.

  Perplexed, Nancy asked more questions, and Kate jumped into the conversation too. Apparently, Jonathon would wait until Nancy had left to run errands before he’d start in on the girls. It seemed that pretty much nothing they did was good enough. He’d nag, badger or yell

  about whatever he felt needed correction. The girls were surprised to find out that Nancy had known nothing about it! They thought she knew that Jonathon did this.

  Nancy felt betrayed. She also felt like a very bad mother, leaving her girls at the mercy of that sort of behavior.

  Of all the stories Nancy heard that night, one was the worst and made her sick. Nancy knew about it somewhat, but not to the extent that the girls were now telling her. It had happened about 10 years earlier...

  Nancy remembered being happy that Jonathon had agreed to watch the girls so that she could go to the movies with one of her friends that Saturday afternoon.

  She and her friend Brenda both had children the same age, so they rarely got a chance to talk without the constant interruption that is typical around young children.

  They’d gone to see the new Kevin Costner movie and then gone for coffee. It had been a wonderfully relaxing afternoon for Nancy. For the first time in a long time,
she’d felt like someone who was more than just “mother.”

  When she got back to the house, she found Jonathon in the kitchen reading the newspaper and having coffee. She found the girls sitting on the living room couch watching TV. On the surface it all looked calm, but Nancy felt something was amiss.

  “So. How’d it go around here?” she asked Jonathon while taking off her jacket and setting down her purse and keys.

  He looked up from the paper and said “Actually, it’s been pretty quiet. I don’t know what you complain about. The girls aren’t hard to deal with.”

  “I’ve never said that the girls are hard to deal with!” Nancy was puzzled that Jonathon thought that.

  “Well then, what do you keep complaining about?” Now it was Jonathon’s turn to look puzzled.

  “What are you talking about? When have I complained?”

  “Just yesterday! You said that you never got any time to yourself. That’s why I baby-sat today.”

  “Baby-sat!? They’re your children. You’re supposed to spend time with them.”

  “There! That’s what I’m talking about. You’re complaining again!”

  “Jonathon, I don’t want to argue! I had a great afternoon with Brenda and now in the space of two minutes … oh, never mind.” Nancy went upstairs to change her clothes.

  When she came back downstairs a few minutes later, the girls were still on the couch watching TV. Nancy went to the couch and sat down between the girls, putting an arm around each of them. They both

  cuddled close to her and the three of them sat there watching Big Bird sing to Oscar the Grouch.

  When the show was over Nancy got up and shut off the set. She turned back to the girls and asked if they wanted to help set the table for dinner. It was then, while really looking at them, Nancy saw that they looked devastated. They both had hollow-looking eyes and not much color in their faces. There were old tear tracks running down Christy’s cheeks.