Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  “You think I’m an evil uber-bitch?”

  “I don’t know, do I?”

  “Would an evil uber-bitch kiss you like this.”

  With that Milly got up and came over and sat in my lap. She kissed me with a passion I hadn’t seen from her until now. This was no little girl kiss.

  “Yes Milly. Trust me on this. That is exactly how an evil uber-bitch kisses. It’s going to take more than that to convince me.”

  Now I had the evil smile on my face and she proceeded to try and convince me by continuing her assault on my mouth.

  I backed off and said. “You’re trying to distract me again, aren’t you?”

  “Yes!”

  “I appreciate the effort but I’m no pushover. Let’s just relax and tell me about yourself please? I promise no more questions I just want to get to know you better. I want to trust you. Would you help me with that?”

  “Sure. Would you like to get comfortable and I’ll make us a few drinks?”

  We spent the rest of the afternoon laid back on the futon, sipping whiskey, while Milly gave me the cliff notes on her life. It really was a beautiful afternoon.

  Chapter 13

  A Good Night

  “Tell me Milly, how can I be sure you and Julie aren’t just some exotic fembots? Am I a dude-bot? You separated my conscious from my body to go through the transit portal so who’s to say you didn’t just rip my conscious out and stick it in some dude-bot body that looks like me. My real body could just be a dead sack of meat lying in my house now. Or I’m still there wondering what just happened and this dude-bot is just a copy of the real me, which isn’t really me, since I’m a dude-bot. You have to admit the possibilities are endless.”

  “Do I feel like a fem-bot to you Guerin?”

  “If you’re that advanced I am sure you could make a pretty convincing fem-bot and the same goes for me just being a dude-bot. If you’re any good at it I wouldn’t know, which I don’t, I guess?”

  “How do you know that the person on Earth isn’t really the dude-bot and we just uploaded its memories to your real body that we’ve been raising since you were born?”

  “Now that’s just plain crazy Milly. You’re just trying to confuse me now.”

  “I don’t think I am the one confusing you. You know you could talk to Julie about this. It is one of her areas of interest. I’m sure she could help if you wanted her to.”

  “I don’t think that would help. She’d probably bring up even more possibilities and leave me totally bat-shit crazy.”

  “I guess I agree. I mean you’re sounding pretty bat-shit crazy without any help.”

  “Ha, ha Milly. I’m serious.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re just trying to screw with me asking all these stupid questions. I thought you had come to grips with all this and decided it would just be better to simply go along for the ride. That seems to be the best approach to me.”

  “So, you were listening in on my conversation with Sly, weren’t you?”

  “Of course I was. That’s why I think you’re just being silly now and trying to mess with me. Be honest. You just want to see if you can trap me with questions you know I couldn’t possibly answer.”

  “Ok, maybe a little bit, but you have to admit they are good questions.”

  “Sure Guerin. Whatever you say. Are you hungry? I have made plans for a nice dinner. We can go as soon as you’re ready.”

  “Oh boy. Is it an all you can eat salad bar?”

  “No. I mean, they have salads yes, but they have other things you’d like. Trust me.”

  We left her room and guess what, there was a magic pad waiting there for us. I wondered if I tried to go somewhere on my own if I would be as lucky finding a magic pad? I had never been alone when one was around. I always was with someone else when these pads just seemed to be waiting. Another theory I would have to test out.

  This time we headed down to the main level. Milly lead me down a walkway where we entered an elevator. We went down and all of a sudden, we were going up. This made no sense at first but then the monkey brain kicked in.

  “Milly, have we just gone over to the other side, the other dome city?”

  “Yes, we have Guerin. You seemed to figure that out pretty quickly.”

  “I may have figured it out but that doesn’t mean I understand it. We were going down and now we’re going up, or that is how I would describe it. But how did we get reoriented? I didn’t feel any obvious rotation. It just seemed to happen. Can you explain that?”

  “Sure Guerin. You have a few decades for one of our teachers to explain the quantum mechanics behind gravity generation and inertial damping technology? If not, then I suggest you just think of it as cool, and leave it at that.”

  “Very funny Milly.”

  “I’m just saying. Nobody expects you to figure out the universe in three days so why do you expect yourself to?”

  “You don’t understand how uncomfortable it makes me feel at times knowing I really don’t know jack shit.”

  “So, on Earth you had it all figured out, right?”

  “I’m not saying that, but at least I understood how the basics in my life worked, like an elevator. Here I don’t even understand that.”

  The elevator stopped and we got off on the main level of the second dome city. How was I supposed to tell these two cities apart I wondered? They looked the same to me. We walked out of the elevator and down a walkway which looked like the same walkway we walked down on the other side. We came to the transport area and grabbed a magic pad and headed up to the center of the city. We ended up at the restaurant on the top of the city which looked the same as the other restaurant at the top of the other city. Confusion seemed to be a constant in space. Best just ignore it all and act like it was no big deal. At least the receptionist who greeted us was different from the receptionist who greeted us at the other restaurant.

  The receptionist led us to a window table. Again, I was impressed with the pull Milly had to get us such choice seating. The restaurant was a large circular room at the top of the tallest building. There was seating all around the outside with a large circular bar surrounding the center which, I assumed, was where the kitchen area was.

  An attractive waitress approached our table. “Hello Milly. It’s good to see you again.”

  “Hi Sarah. I would like to introduce you to Guerin Zand. Guerin this is Sarah.”

  “Hi Sarah, it’s nice to meet you.”

  “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you Guerin. I’ve heard so much about you from Milly and Julie.”

  “Have you seen my videos too Sarah?”

  “No, I haven’t, but Julie says they are very entertaining. Maybe her and I will sit back and watch a few tonight over drinks.” Sarah shifted her eyebrows and gave me a dirty little smile. They were still a bunch of pervs if you asked me.

  “I would recommend the one I dedicated to Julie. It’s some of my best work if you ask me.”

  “Ok you two. That’s enough flirting, if you don’t mind. Especially you Guerin. Is there a single woman on this ship you haven’t made a pass at?”

  “Sure there is Milly. It’s going to take a while to get to all the pretty ladies on this ship and I only have so much free time.”

  Sarah and I had a good laugh at Milly’s expense. Milly just rolled her eyes in disgust. I was sure this look was a look of disgust. You’d think Milly would have figured me out by now. I mean it’s not as hard as figuring out the elevators, right?

  “Would you two like a drink to start off with?”

  “Yes. We’ll have two Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters please Sarah.” That was Milly talking. I was surprised. Could she possibly be paying attention sometimes?

  “Ok Milly. I’ll grab your drinks and then I’ll be back to explain the special we have made available for your guest tonight.” And Sarah left us.

  “They figured out how to make a Gargle Blaster did they?”

  “It’s not rocket science Guerin.
I told you I had arranged a special dinner for you so sit back, relax and just enjoy it.”

  “Ok. I was wondering about the time difference here. It was almost sunset on the other side and here it looks like sunrise so I guess it’s morning here?”

  “Guerin, we’re all on the same time. This side, people work on a different shift typically, so you could consider them as the night shift and us as the day shift or vice-versa since the main work shifts on both sides is during the daylight hours. You need to change your time reference from a planetary one to a space time reference. There really isn’t a morning or night. You’re just seeing it that way because it’s simpler for you. That’s why we gave you that stupid digital watch. We don’t tell time like that except for you.”

  “Thanks Milly. I’m so not confused anymore. Do you think teaching me to tell time like everyone else would take less than a few years?”

  “That might be pushing it.” Milly replied with a smartass grin.

  I thought to myself maybe this whole new honest approach wasn’t such a good idea.

  Sarah had returned with our drinks and they looked tasty.

  “Tonight Guerin, the chef will be preparing for you a boneless rib-eye steak, cooked medium rare. It will be served with sautéed mushrooms, baby carrots and garlic mashed potatoes. Milly had told us this would be something you would like. Was she right?”

  “Yes Sarah. That sounds great. What will Milly have though? I’m sure she wouldn’t like that.”

  “Don’t worry about that. We’ll toss her a salad or something equally boring.”

  We both laughed.

  “I’m just joking. I know what Milly wants. She has her own favorite here. Enjoy the drinks and dinner should be ready before you finish them. Be careful with those drinks though. They make a Gluark seem like a child’s drink.”

  “So why the special dinner tonight Milly? Did your monkey do good with Sly today and this is my reward.”

  “You did fine with Sly and no, this is not a reward for that. I just thought I would do something nice for you tonight. How am I doing so far.”

  “You’re doing great. Thank you. Shall we see if these drinks measure up to the galactic norm?” And I took a large sip of my Gargle Blaster and sat back. About 5 minutes later I started to breathe again!

  “Shit Milly! I think you aliens may just have nailed this one. I’m not sure it’s exactly the same, but I don’t think that matters. I think Sly may even appreciate this.” Milly didn’t look as phased after her sip. She must not have taken a large enough sip.

  “I’m glad you’re enjoying your drink. While I have you in a good mood I have a small favor to ask.”

  “I probably should run now but I guess since you went to all this trouble for me tonight I owe you one.”

  “It’s really not a big deal. For tomorrow’s dinner, I have to sit with the committee members and well, Julie wasn’t explicitly invited so …”

  “I’m not going to hold that against them.” I said with a large grin.

  “Don’t interrupt me. It’s hard enough.”

  “Ok”

  “She really wants to go to the dinner and I sorta promised you would take her as your guest.”

  “You ‘sorta’ promised her?”

  “Well technically, I guess you could say, I promised her I would get you to invite her.”

  “INVITE HER!”

  “Give me your drink now Milly. I’m cutting you off.”

  “Please Guerin, I’m serious. Would you please, please do this for me?”

  “So, you think a nice dinner and a couple of these ‘panty dropper’ drinks are going to make me agree to this?”

  “Julie said I would probably have to blow you too, but I think she was just joking.”

  “So hold on. We’re up to a nice dinner, a few mind-numbing drinks and a blowjob now, and in exchange I invite and then escort Julie to the dinner as her date?”

  “I said I thought she was joking about the blowjob.”

  “Well is there a blowjob included in the deal or not? How can I say yes until I know the full deal?”

  “You really are an asshole!”

  “So I take it that’s a no on the blowjob then?”

  Milly just threw her salad knife at me. Really? Who needs a knife for salad? Luckily it was about as sharp as a butter knife at the tip so I survived mostly intact.

  “Calm down Milly. I’m just having a little fun with you. But with the blowjob out of the deal you’re going to still owe me something to be collected at a time of my choosing. Agreed?”

  “I’m not sure I like the sound of that Guerin.”

  “Well you’re just going to have to trust me for a change, aren’t you?”

  “Ok, but you have to promise to be nice to her. I mean the entire night. None of your normal shit.”

  “Does that mean I have to take her back to her place after dinner and submit to whatever acts of debauchery she desires as well?”

  “Only minor acts of debauchery. Any serious acts of debauchery you can refuse. Ok?” Milly responded adding that bad girl smile of hers.

  “Deal!”

  I slammed back the rest of my Gargle Blaster and Milly’s as well. Hopefully I would wake up in a hospital too sick to actually make tomorrow’s dinner.

  Sarah arrived with our meals. The steak looked great. I was going to enjoy this. Of course Milly had some combination of leafy green substances which looked like a salad. Why she didn’t just go graze in the green area was beyond my understanding.

  “Why do you dislike Julie so much Guerin?”

  “I don’t dislike her.”

  “Are you scared of her?”

  “No. I’m not scared of her, even though she has threatened me twice.”

  “Twice?”

  “Well at least twice, but hey, who’s counting.”

  “So why are you so mean to her all the time.”

  “I’m not mean to her. I guess we’re both sorta adversarial towards each other and it’s just teasing really. I think it’s just a way to relieve the sexual tension between us without actually having to, you know, have sex together.”

  “So, you’re sexually attracted to her then?”

  I cut a large chunk of steak, placed it in my mouth and chewed slowly. This was a dangerous path I was on. This and other questions are best ignored. Best to change the subject.

  I swallowed and said, “Do we have any salt at the table for my steak?”

  “Don’t try and change the subject Guerin. Answer my question.”

  “What question was that Milly?” Yes, I had to move on to the play dumb strategy.

  “Are you sexually attracted to Julie? Don’t play dumb.”

  Ok I know honesty is not a good strategy but I had to try and tip toe around this.

  “Well she does have a mighty fine ass and one bodacious set of tatas. I mean what guy wouldn’t find that attractive? It’s just a lust thing though, nothing more.”

  “So, you don’t lust after me? My ass isn’t that fine? My tatas aren’t bodacious enough for you?”

  Ok it was a setup and I fell right into her little trap. I should have seen this coming when she asked me why I disliked Julie, but she already had played me into slamming down those drinks, leaving me in a vulnerable state. This was her plan all along. See Milly had found a way to get me to do her a favor and in the end, I’m the bad guy in the dog house. She wasn’t holding back tonight, was she?

  “I didn’t say any of that. I’m just saying can we get some fucking salt for my steak!”

  When all else fails fall back to playing dumb and angry. This is always an option.

  Milly responded with a sick little grin and then she stuck her tongue out at me.

  “Calm down Guerin. I’m just having a little fun with you. HAHA!”

  I just went back to eating my meal and kept my head down. Milly looked rather pleased with herself. This wasn’t over. I would have my revenge. The rest of the meal was relatively quiet with just
a little small talk about the meal and the view and such things.

  “So how was your meal Guerin?”

  “It was great Sarah. Give the chef my thanks.”

  “Let me get these plates cleared up and I will bring your desert. I have to say, they look so delicious I asked chef to make me one for when I get off work. Would you like coffee with your desert Guerin?”

  “Yes. Please.”

  “How about you Milly?”

  “I’ll have my favorite tea Sarah, thank you.”

  Five minutes later Sarah arrived with our tea and coffee and two chocolate soufflés with a dark chocolate sauce on the side. I opened the top of the soufflé and added the chocolate sauce. I tasted the soufflé and I could have sworn it was exactly the same soufflé I’ve had at Emeril’s in Orlando.

  If you ever get a chance to eat at one of Emeril’s restaurants take it. He does not serve you petite plates for tasting. He serves up man sized meals so you can take a date there to impress her and you can walk away full, feeling the dinner was worth the price.

  “You dug this meal out of my memories, didn’t you?”

  “Yes. I didn’t download any new memories though, like I promised. I just used what I had already downloaded.”

  “What other things have you dug out of my memory dumps for personal reasons?”

  “Nothing much really. Just a few things I thought might be useful.”

  “I’m not even going to ask what. Some things should be left private you know?”

  “It’s a little late for that Guerin.”

  I finished my coffee, Milly finished her tea and we got up to leave. As usual this was another dine and dash operation. I was getting used to this and when I got back to Earth I would have to watch out for bad habits like these.

  Once I spent over six months in Taiwan and I had gotten so used to the culture that I had picked up a few bad habits. One of which was how you cross a busy street. In the states, the rule is the pedestrian has the right of way, and so cars will wait for you to cross the street. In Taiwan, there was apparently no such rule. The governing rule in Taiwan was the drivers were not allowed to kill and / or maim pedestrians.