Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

And we just sat there holding each other and kissing for a while.

  “Stella asked me to stay another 4 days and I agreed. She said I should wait until then to make my decision but I’ve already decided.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I’ll accept the offer on two conditions.”

  “What conditions?”

  “First I need to go home. I don’t know for how long but I just need time to finish my life back home. There are a lot of loose ends. It may take months or years. I don’t know but I need some normal time. I need to reconnect to what I believe is real to know I’m not totally crazy.”

  “Ok. That shouldn’t be a problem. What is the other condition?”

  “You have to come back with me and spend three days with me on Earth. I want to share that life with you before it’s gone forever. I want you to know why giving all that up is so hard for me.”

  Milly just kissed me with all the passion she could muster. “Of course I’ll come with you.”

  “Good. Then you have my promise. I’ll take the emissary job and I’ll do my best to take it seriously.”

  “Can we go back to your room now and, what did Sid say, make the beast with two backs?”

  “Really Milly? You’re going to quote Sid at a time like this?”

  “What’s wrong with that? Aren’t we supposed to have make up sex now?”

  “Stella told me that sex wasn’t that important to you.”

  “Well, in the grand scheme of things it’s not. That doesn’t mean it’s not fun.”

  I could only look at her, shake my head and smile.

  We kissed and then took our magic pad back to my room. I really wasn’t in control and I guess I just didn’t give a shit anymore. I was going to take Stella’s advice and just try to be happy instead.

  Chapter 24

  A Vacation Day

  I woke up the next morning with Milly beside me in the bed. I didn’t want to wake her so I just laid there staring at her. I just hoped she was really as happy as I was. I was especially happy that I woke up to the same reality I had fallen asleep to. I thought to myself that nobody else here could really understand how scared I was that this was all a dream or a hallucination. I could tell them over and over again, but I don’t think any of them really got it. Maybe the next four days wouldn’t have any more surprises for me and I could just relax and enjoy it all. That was a big maybe!

  Milly rolled over towards me and reached out for me. She of course missed and slapped me in the face. “Good morning Guerin.” She said with a big smile. I was laughing because I thought she slapped me on purpose for being an old perv staring at her naked body.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “It’s nothing. You want to get up and go down for breakfast?”

  “Sure, but I need to take a shower first. Can you help me with that?” And she stood up and walked towards the shower, looking back at me over her shoulder seductively. “Do I need to ask twice?”

  I tried to resist for a microsecond or two, but then I jumped out of bed and ran to the shower.

  After our little shower, we headed down to the food court area. It was busy as usual down there. I wondered if they had weekends here? Milly brought me to a new place that looked a lot like a McDonalds. Not golden arches and such, but they had a kitchen and you would go up to a control pad / viewer and choose a meal that the cooks would prepare fresh. Then you’d get your order called out and you would pick it up at the counter.

  “Do you want to try something new for breakfast Guerin?”

  “You know I can’t work these restaurant menus Milly. I don’t know what anything is.”

  “Do you trust me?”

  “Not when it comes to food choices Milly. How many different ways can you dress up a salad, really?”

  “Just trust me.” And Milly ordered up a couple of breakfast trays. There was a spiced bun on the plate but that is all that I recognized. There were some chunks of who knows what covered in a brown sauce. I wondered what you could make a brown sauce out of if you were vegan? Dirt was the only thing I could think of. It was a beautiful morning so I figured I wouldn’t rag Milly too much about the food. I would just try and act like I enjoyed it.

  I grabbed a coffee at the beverage station and Milly got her usual tea. We found an empty table and sat down to ‘enjoy’ our meal.

  “So? What do you think?”

  “About what?”

  “The quanzu?”

  “The what?”

  “That dish I got you. It’s called quanzu.”

  You know when you were a kid and you would spread the food out over your plate to make it look like you had eaten it? That’s what I was doing. Of course, this never worked as a kid so I don’t know what I was thinking but I did it anyway. I did enjoy the spiced bun. Time to lie again.

  “It’s fine. I mean, it’s not steak and eggs, but I guess it will do.’

  “You barely touched it Guerin. You’re just playing with it. Try it you might actually like it. Are you afraid you might become a vegan or something if you did?”

  “No, your vegetables don’t scare me Milly. It’s just I don’t know how much more of this diet I can take. I feel like a vampire that hasn’t fed in a long time and I’m scared I might actually break down and start to eat some people.”

  “Very funny Guerin. It’s not that bad and you aren’t starving here.”

  “That’s because I brought some MREs in my go bag and I just finished the last one the other day. It’s going to get bad soon.”

  Milly just laughed and I ate my quanzu. It wasn’t bad but it’s the principle of the thing you know? I thought maybe I could start a carnivore club or something on the local net. Maybe there were others, still in the closet, and they could tell me where to score some black-market flesh.

  “See that wasn’t so bad, now was it? You just have to be a little more open to new things.”

  “Like you were when I introduced you to coffee?”

  “I liked the pizza and coke, didn’t I?”

  “Everybody likes pizza and coke Milly. That’s a universal constant like all women enjoy nagging men.”

  Milly just ignored the last comment, if you don’t count the dirty look. We finished our breakfast, returned the trays to the recycle area and started to walk through the gardens.

  “So, what do you want to do today Guerin?”

  “Nothing!”

  “What?”

  “Nothing. I don’t want to do anything but hang out with you and talk. I just want a day where I don’t have to do anything. I hate having plans and schedules to meet. That’s what you do for work. I want a vacation day.”

  “You’ve been with us what, four, five days, and you need a vacation day already?”

  “Yes. I’m not sure exactly, but based on the number of sleep cycles so far, I calculate I have been with you for six days now, not four or five. I could be wrong though, since you don’t think I am smart enough to tell time like an adult. Don’t you people have weekends? We’re definitely going to have to include some vacation rules in my employment contract.”

  “I can spend the day teaching you our time system if you want but there is a lot more you will learn when you’re ready. Once the changes to your body have progressed a little further we can start your education.”

  “How long will my education take? A century or two? I assume I am about at what you would consider the pre-school phase now, right?”

  “You won’t be going to school, or at least as you know it, Guerin. Once you’re ready we can download the knowledge directly to your mind. You’re enhanced memory will be able to store and remember all the knowledge downloaded. Your smart enough to understand the knowledge we’ll download so we don’t have to make you smarter.”

  “That might be asking too much, huh?”

  “No. I don’t mean it like that. When you went to college a lot of what you did was memorize the lessons and then test your memory. Yes, you learned techniques to he
lp you think as an engineer, but for the most part you were already wired for that like some people are wired for music or art. What takes you humans so long is building that knowledge base.”

  “So, you just do what comes naturally to you and cheat, right?”

  “Just because our way is easier doesn’t mean it’s cheating. We’ll download the knowledge at a rate you can handle. We’ll start slow, with some basics, and as your understanding increases we can increase the rate of the downloads. In other words, will teach you to tell time before we teach you how to make a black hole.”

  “Now you’re just making fun of me. I hope it makes you feel good proving your smarter than a monkey.”

  “It does.” She said and then started laughing. I couldn’t help laughing with her.

  “I don’t know if I want you people screwing around with my brain any more than you have already. I’m more than a little confused and knowing you, I’ll probably end up a vegan when you’re done.”

  I saw a nice big shade tree and I walked over to it and sat down leaning against it’s trunk. Milly sat down next to me and I pulled my iPad out of my bag.

  “What are you doing Guerin?”

  “I thought I’d work on my book, I mean journal, about my time in space.”

  “Still working on the scoring system?”

  “Have you been reading my book?”

  “Yes. Why?”

  “Because it’s private like my memories.”

  “Well you should have told me that. I haven’t broken my promise. I didn’t dump anymore of your memories since you asked me not to.”

  “Just like a Bree. You remind me of the stories of Satan or other mythical beings that like to screw with humans. You know the story about the genie and the three wishes? Or stories of people making deals with the devil? The people make wishes, or deals, only to have the other do literally what was agreed to but in a way that is harmful, or has adverse consequences. Just makes me think you people have been screwing with humans for a very long time.”

  “Maybe. I’m not telling you one way or the other.”

  “You do enjoy seeing me confused, don’t you?”

  “You know your book isn’t really all that accurate Guerin?” She said changing the subject.

  “It is from my standpoint. Maybe in some spots I take a little artistic license.”

  “A little?”

  “Look Milly. You can write your own book on the subject and we’ll see who’s sells better. I don’t think boring sells on Earth yet and that appears to be the Bree style.”

  “Well if you’re done insulting me, is there anything else you want to talk to me about?”

  “I’m not done insulting you Milly. I have a lot of catching up to do after all the insults I’ve had to tolerate. I’ll give you a break for now though.”

  “Last night you told me that your Mother said that Earth was your future. What does that mean?”

  “It means pretty much what it sounds like. The discovery of new worlds with emerging civilizations isn’t that common in the universe. On Earth, you have the Drake equation which states the probability of intelligent civilizations based on certain factors. This is not entirely wrong but some of the estimated values for those factors are way off. My mother saw Earth developing at its beginning and knew one day an intelligent civilization would emerge. It’s kind of a big thing you know? Like a man landing on the moon was to you. My mother knew that contact would occur in my time and that I would be a big part of that.”

  “What do you mean by your time? You don’t live forever?”

  “No. Everyone passes on sooner or later. I can’t explain how this is different for us then humans, but you’ll learn eventually.”

  “So, I’m going to die an alien death? I like that. That should help with the book sales.”

  Milly just shook her head as she so often did.

  “So, your mother thought you should go find yourself a good Earth man and assimilate humans into the Collective?”

  “It’s not like that. Why do you always have to look for some nefarious reason behind everything?”

  “I don’t know. I guess being abducted and having my life screwed with might have something to do with that. Or maybe it’s because no one ever tells me anything that even resembles the truth.”

  “We’re back to the whole supposed abduction?”

  “Always. So just how many Earth men have you abducted and seduced trying to find a perfect specimen like moi?”

  When Milly stopped laughing, I’m not sure what was so funny, she asked. “You think I’m some sort of space slut?”

  “I guess I don’t know. That’s why I asked. We can run the numbers if you’d like and compute your SQ?”

  “My SQ?”

  “Slut quotient. There are a few formulas on the web but they were mostly written by sluts trying to make themselves feel less slutty but we can refine the equations. We can at least get a basic idea.”

  “Ha, ha Guerin. Very funny. What’s your SQ? I thought you were going to take a break from insulting me?”

  “Sorry I just couldn’t resist and my SQ is classified. But you’re changing the subject again. Care to tell me how many other Earth men there were?”

  “There weren’t any other Earth men. I mean we have monitored others sure but you’re my first abduction and seduction. I probably should have tried a few more human men though since you’re obviously not a perfect specimen.”

  “But I thought you abducted others from Earth and they couldn’t handle it? Were you lying to me then or are you lying to me now?”

  “I said abduction and seduction. Just abductions, well there were a few others.”

  “That is such a Bree answer. Did you practice on other monkey planets before you came to Earth? I’m just asking because obviously, you Bree tend to leave out certain information, if I don’t ask directly.”

  “No. I haven’t abducted and seduced other monkeys on other monkey planets.”

  “Lizards on lizard planets?”

  “No! You are so close to ending up in that dog house you talk about Guerin. I would think about the next thing you say very carefully.”

  “You can’t send me to the dog house Milly. That only works for married couples or couples living together. I can always just go to my room or down to a bar and find other female companionship. You may have hooked me but you haven’t reeled me in yet girl.”

  “I have no idea what that last part means.”

  “If I didn’t like confusing you so much I’d explain it.” I said smiling.

  “So maybe now you’ll finally answer my question. Why me? Like you said you probably could have found a better specimen.”

  “You have to look at the bigger picture Guerin. It’s not something you can simply measure. We need someone who could handle new situations without losing it.”

  “You mean like I did when I was first abducted?”

  “Sure, you freaked a little, but you did agree to come along anyways, didn’t you? Even the others who made it that far, for the most part, just said thanks and take me home.”

  I let that “for the most part” pass but it made me wonder. What actually happened to the others that she wasn’t including in that group. Was I going to find out? Did I want to find out?

  “But it still doesn’t explain why you chose me? I’m sure others could have handled it.”

  “Because I loved you stupid! I had been watching you since you were born. I spent time with you over the years and you were nice to me. If you know someone that well and for that long you start to care about them. I knew you were different. It’s not something you can point to it’s just the sum of a lot of little things.”

  “Then why wait until I was this old? I would have jumped at the opportunity when I was younger. That weekend in Tampa Julie told me about. Why not then?”

  “You were too young Guerin. Do I look like a cradle robber?”

  “Very funny Milly.”

  “Seriously Guerin
. We wanted to wait for you to mature. How was I supposed to know that wasn’t going to happen?”

  “Who’s being an asshole now Milly?”

  “It doesn’t matter. I was right. Look at how you reacted to meeting actual beings who were different from you. You really took to Sid and Nancy right off. Everyone could see that. You just see them like any other children and they’re crazy about you in case you haven’t noticed. What about how you reacted to Sly, Bart and your other drinking buddies? You treated them just like any other friends at the bar. You refer to them as people, or men and women, because you don’t see them any different from humans. That’s the sort of little thing I’m talking about.”

  “You just knew it would all work out huh?”

  “Sure I did. I knew you were a good person. Other’s may not have been that sure, but I was.”

  “You definitely are a smug and arrogant race, aren’t you?”

  “It beats being a race of assholes.”

  “Ouch! I still say you’re not telling me the real truth. You always accuse me of coming up with amazing bullshit stories but I gotta tell you your story stinks to high heaven. Uniquely typical. Now that’s bullshit.”

  “So, how’s the book coming? Are you still working on the scoring system?”

  Milly said that to change the subject. I knew something was wrong with this whole story and her changing the subject, when I confronted her, just confirmed that.

  “I think the scoring system might need a lot of work. I’m having trouble making any sense out of the current stats. I mean, have I scored or been scored? It may have to wait until the book is done and I’ll add it in as an addendum later.”

  “The rest of the book seems to be lacking something though. It’s just not that exciting. Why couldn’t the Bree be just a bit more interesting? I need an emergency like evil flesh-eating aliens coming to Earth for takeout. The human loving Bree choosing me as the champion to stop them and they endow me with super powers. Where are the flashy starships with weapons that can blow up a star, the epic space battles? Really how am I ever going to sell this much less get it made into a major motion picture?”

  “We can probably help with the motion picture deal. We have a lot, I mean a lot, of Hollywood contacts.”