Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  At this point I noticed the guards start to raise their weapons and point them in my general direction.

  “You better tell your boys to drop those weapons, asshole, or I will stomp the life out of your fucking troll ass!”

  Bart had risen out of his seat and was stepping towards the fray. The ladies had sought shelter behind Bart. The guards looked puzzled and then amazingly they tossed their weapons to the other side of the room. I’ll admit to you readers that I was pretty satisfied with my performance. The committee would have another opinion I was sure.

  “I think it’s time we leave Bart.” And Bart somehow opened a portal in the room. I guess he wasn’t sent there to just hold his dick in his hand like I was.

  “I appreciate the gifts Heesa, and in return I’ll leave you a little advice. Don’t fuck with us monkeys in the future.”

  “This isn’t over Mr. Zand. I’ll have your head for my collection. You can’t come here and treat me like this.”

  “If you want my head Heesa you’ll just have to stand in line. There are others in front of you.”

  “Bart, why don’t you take the ladies to the shuttle and I’ll be right behind you.” And with that we left the Trogans and boarded the shuttle to find Sammy waiting.

  The recording stopped.

  “So, your response was to assault the emperor of the Trogan empire and threaten his life?”

  “What emperor? No one told me he was the emperor Milly. I thought he was just some mid-level bureaucrat. Julie said he was their representative not their emperor. Why the fuck would you people not tell me that before sending me there?”

  “His name is Heesa. Deuce Baghan is his title. It means emperor.”

  “So on top of the lack of prep, you sent me with a faulty translator?”

  “That is not the issue Guerin. You assaulted him.”

  “You really are a bunch of drama queens you know. I didn’t assault him. I bitch-slapped the asshole. An insult at best. If I’d assaulted him he’d be a lot worse off than he was.”

  “You bitch-slapped him off his feet and across the room. I think that’s a bit more than a little insult.”

  “Ok Milly. I’ll admit I misjudged the force of my response but I am not some seasoned spaceman who is used to worlds with lower than Earth gravity. You could have prepared me for that as well but you didn’t. Bart actually found it amusing when I slammed my head into the ceiling when I took my first step on Trogan, didn’t you?”

  Bart nodded that I was correct and smiled back at me. Bart was really enjoying this. I’m sure the version of this story told at the bars would be far more interesting than it actually was.

  “And I probably hurt myself far worse with that one misstep than I hurt that emperor asshole. Besides, maybe if someone hadn’t screwed with my physical being this wouldn’t have happened. I’m still trying to cope with the results of that little invasion of my privacy. Did it occur to anyone that by restoring my youth it might also make me more aggressive? Even a stupid monkey would know that would be the case. And my strength is also improved, which I didn’t really think about when I bitch-slapped that weasel. I did realize, after the fact, that it may have been a bit too powerful of a response and I did back off. And I didn’t knock him ‘across the room’, at best it was a few feet.”

  “It sounds to me that you are just looking for some excuse for your actions Guerin and you know there is no good excuse. You resorted to physical violence and that’s not acceptable.”

  “And fuck you too Julie! Don’t you dare fucking lecture me on what’s acceptable or about making excuses. I did exactly what you sent me there to do.”

  “We didn’t tell you to assault the emperor.”

  “Bullshit! I had asked Milly what was expected from me as emissary. We talked about my visiting an independent world and I asked if you would prepare me for the visit. Milly told me ‘Not really’. She said I was at my best when I wasn’t prepared. So I asked her if you wanted me to show them how stupid and dangerous humans could be. And Milly responded, ‘Something like that’. Do you not remember that conversation Milly?”

  “Yes.”

  “So, you knew very well what could happen and yet you sent me. Now they know just how stupid and dangerous we humans are. Mission accomplished. And this wasn’t just some independent world. This was one of the quarantined worlds, wasn’t it?”

  “How did you know that? It wasn’t in the briefing.”

  “No, it fucking wasn’t Julie. I guess you thought it would up the entertainment value leaving that little fact out, didn’t you? I’m sorry to disappoint everyone by not being quite as stupid as y’all think. I did something you people seem to avoid and that’s a little thing called research. On route to Trogan I actually took the time to look them up.”

  “But what you did was reckless. You could have been killed.”

  “Maybe Milly. But on the bright side, had that happened, I wouldn’t have had to come back and put up with all this self-righteous bullshit. Besides, I had bet that you didn’t send Bart and me to just hold our dicks if things went south, and I was right. Sorry again for not being as stupid as you expect but obviously the guard’s weapons were neutralized. That was why they looked surprised and then frightened before they tossed their weapons. There was probably also some power feedback that actually caused them to throw their weapons down.”

  “So, we should be amazed at just how smart you are? You figured it all out, right?”

  “I didn’t say that Julie. I figured out what I needed to, no thanks to you. I still would like to know why you screwed me like that. Was this one of your bullshit tests?”

  “What if it was a test Guerin? How should we rate your performance? How would you rate your own performance?”

  “Really? You want me to fill out a self-appraisal form? Would you like to know my short-term and long-term goals as well while I’m at it?”

  I was fuming at this point. They had set me up and it was so obvious. I could see Stella out the side of my eye with a little grin on her face. At that point, I was sure she had been part of this and she was enjoying her payback.

  I didn’t blame Stella as much as the others. We had officially declared war so she was playing by the accepted rules. The rest of them, though, were not part of our game and shouldn’t have helped her out.

  “Well here it is. I performed my task exactly as you wanted me to. That asshole provoked me even as I tried to back away. He got exactly what he deserved. And you assholes aren’t much better than that troll. You used me to do your dirty work. Let the monkey get his hands dirty and that way you won’t have to sully yourselves with the Trogans, right? Who’s really making the excuses here Julie?”

  “Finally, my short-term goal is to get a drink and my long-term goal is to get a second drink.”

  And with that I just walked out. Their bullshit was just too much.

  Chapter 28

  I Need a Drink

  I headed down and up to my favorite bar on the night side. Ok, it was the only bar I knew about, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t my favorite. I bellied up to the bar and the same waitress was at work.

  “Hello Guerin. What can I get you to drink?”

  “Got any Pappy’s?”

  “Sure we do. How would you like that?”

  “Neat please.”

  A few seconds later she brought me my drink. Again, the idea that these space pirates had been draining the Pappy’s from Earth upset me. I wanted to drink as much of it as I could just to get back at them.

  “So, what’s your name darling?”

  “Suzy.”

  “Well it’s nice to officially make your acquaintance. Of course, you already know who I am.”

  “What’s wrong Guerin? Another long day?”

  “You could say that. It’s just not easy being me.”

  “Well things probably aren’t as bad as they seem.”

  “Wow Suzy. You’re actually a proper bartender, aren’t you?”

&
nbsp; Suzy just smiled at me and did the usual bartender tasks behind the bar. I wondered if Suzy was a part of all of this. Was she just another hotty whose job it was to monitor me?

  “Hey Guerin. Are you mad?” Milly asked. Yes, she found me and wasn’t about to let me wind down first. She’d made this mistake before.

  “Way to ruin the mood Milly. This is a bar. A place of refuge. A place a man can go and not have his work follow him. Now why don’t you just walk back out the door, come back in and try to do it right next time.”

  “I don’t know what you want me to do Guerin. Mind explaining?”

  “Try a thing called small talk like, ‘Hey Guerin. What are you drinking. That looks good. Mind if I join you?’ That’s what I mean.”

  “Hey Guerin. What are you drinking? That looks good. Mind if I join you?”

  “Very fucking funny Milly. You can be real annoying you know that?”

  “It’s part of my charm.”

  “You’re quoting a monkey now?” And I just shook my head. I motioned Suzy over and asked her to bring Milly a Pappy’s as well.

  Milly took a sip from her drink and said, “Are you mad?”

  “ARGGGGGGG! What part of the preceding conversation did you not understand Milly?”

  I knew very well that Milly, or any woman for that fact, could have cared less what I had said. So why do we men even bother is what I wondered. It really was just a waste of time trying to explain ourselves. But if we don’t, then we’re shitheads for not talking to them. You’d think, in this advanced society, with transit portals and decent beverages, that they would have fixed this one little issue. Really, is that too much to ask?

  “To be quite honest Guerin, most of our conversations I don’t understand. Let’s go sit at a booth and we can talk.” These last two statements seemed to be a contradiction to me.

  I grabbed my drink, followed her to a booth and took a seat.

  “So?”

  “So what?”

  “Are you mad?”

  “What would be the point in that? It’s not like it matters to anyone but me and I’m tired of just getting mad for everyone’s entertainment. I just don’t want to waste the energy. I want to relax and have a drink.”

  “You’re not planning on another binder like the other day, are you?”

  “No. I just want to wind down and enjoy my drink. Don’t worry. I’m not going to throw myself out in space or do any other stupid monkey trick. I’m fine.”

  “Well the committee isn’t too pleased but they’re not too upset either. They did set you up and they acknowledged that.”

  “Well tell Stella that using other people to do her dirty work isn’t really fair, but I’ll let it count.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Oh, don’t cover for Stella. I know she was behind this. A little revenge for the other night. I get it.”

  “It was the committee and the Bree Council that set this up Guerin. Not Stella.”

  “You know it was Stella. Sure, the rest of the gang joined in, but I’m sure Stella made it happen. Don’t you think it was a bit of a coincidence that the Trogans all of a sudden found out I was here? Please Milly. I hoped at least you wouldn’t treat me like an idiot.”

  “The Bree Council is not happy. They’ll probably consider punishing you for your actions.”

  “I don’t really give a shit Milly. Are they planning on taking away my bar tab?”

  “This is serious Guerin.”

  “Whatever.” I just continued to sip my drink.

  “Heesa has placed a bounty on your head as well. If you’re caught outside of the Collective’s territories there is nothing we can do about that. They may even try to reach you on Earth, but we should be able to prevent that.”

  “Well don’t worry. I’ll be nice to them when they come for me. I wouldn’t want to do anything to upset the committee or the Bree Council.”

  Milly had no response to that. We both finished our drinks.

  “I’m hungry Milly. I haven’t eaten all day. Let’s go back up to the day side and you can show me what tasty dinners are available at the food courts. I’ve never had dinner there.”

  So we went back down and up to the day side and headed to the food courts. Milly picked out a couple of dishes for us, I grabbed an iced tea and Milly got her favorite hot tea.

  As we went looking for a table I saw Sammy and walked over to his table. That sly dog was there with my two gifts and he appeared to be enjoying himself. A lot of guys on this ship were starting to owe me big time. One day I would call to collect.

  “Hey Sammy, ladies. What’s going on?” Sammy had found our guests some onesies that fit very well.

  “I thought you were going to have the committee send someone to the shuttle to get the ladies squared away Guerin? No one came so I thought I would bring them up to get a bite to eat.”

  “I told the committee and Milly here said she’d take care of it. What’s up with that Milly?”

  Milly set her food down on the table and took a seat. I thought that was awfully rude. She should have asked Sammy’s permission first. If I was Sammy I wouldn’t have appreciated having us ruin his game. Women! How thoughtless.

  “I hope you don’t mind us joining you Sammy. I wouldn’t want to horn in on your action here.” And I shot Milly a dirty look. Do I have to open a damn manners school as well?

  “No, please do Guerin. I have to get back to work. I didn’t think I was going to have to watch the ladies this long. Can you and Milly handle it form here?”

  “Sure Sammy, but I bet the ladies enjoyed your company.”

  “Yes, Sammy has been very nice to us.”

  “I bet he has.” I said with and evil grin. “You old dog Sammy. I knew you had game.”

  Sammy shook his head and stood up to leave. “If you will excuse me, duty calls. It was very nice meeting you ladies. Guerin. Milly.”

  “Take care Sammy and thanks for your help.” I gave that old dog a dirty look.

  “Ladies. Sorry I seemed to have forgotten my manners amidst all the commotion. We haven’t even been properly introduced. My name is Guerin Zand and this is Milly. And your names are?”

  “I’m Seca San Dos and this is my sister Prima San Dos.”

  “Sisters? I should have guessed you look almost identical.”

  “We’re twins.”

  Ok, now you’re all probably asking if they were twins how is it possible this moron didn’t know that? Well you have to remember that the universe is far more complicated than we had ever imagined. They could have been clones, or all the women look the same where they come from, or they were surgically modified to look this way, or they were fembots. Really, with everything I’ve been through, I tried not to assume too much.

  “Well that will make telling you apart even harder. I’m sorry you got caught up in all of this but hopefully you’re not too upset with me?”

  Milly was just grazing on her salad only taking time to throw a few pissed off glances my way. I was just trying to be friendly. Maybe having been abducted myself I could relate better to the twins than Milly. I was also wondering why these people had full names and everyone on this station only had one name. Maybe because these people didn’t think I was too stupid to handle their full names? Maybe San Dos meant slave girl or something and my earbud wasn’t translating correctly again.

  “We’re not upset with you at all Guerin. We’re happy to be yours now. Heesa was a mean person who often hurt us for his own pleasure. You’ve been very nice to us. We want to thank you for taking us with you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me Seca. It’s just part of my job.”

  Milly made some rather rude sound which I quickly ignored.

  “Are you and Milly bonded Guerin?”

  “I don’t really know what that means Prima so I guess not. Are we Milly?”

  “No!”

  “But you are close?”

  “Yes Seca. I am mad crazy in love with this annoying li
ttle brat. But that’s probably just because I’m so stupid.” And I gave Milly my best little sad puppy dog look as I starred deeply into those beautiful green peepers.

  Milly put her hand on mine and smiled finally. “Yes, he’s special to me as well.”

  “Just special? I mean a good meal is special Milly.”

  “You know what I mean Guerin. Don’t be such an asshole. The ladies understand.”

  We all had a good laugh and I started to dig into my alien tofu special.

  “So, you ladies have had dinner?”

  “Yes, Sammy took care of that.”

  “So, I guess we need to figure out what we need to do next. Right Milly?”

  “Do you two have a family that we can return you too?”

  “No.”

  “What is your home world like?”

  “It’s a primitive planet like Earth. They joined with the Trogan empire thinking it would bring them great benefits but they were lied to. You were smart to turn them down.”

  “Primitive?”

  “I meant no offense. It’s just compared to some of the other worlds that is what they consider us. Humans as well.”

  “Well we should probably get you ladies a place for tonight. I bet you’re a bit tired and could use a good rest. You can stay in my room.”

  I was sure this would get a rise out of Milly and it did. She kicked me rather hard under the table and said, “Really Guerin?”

  “I was just saying that they could have my room for the night and I could stay with you. And for someone who pretends to be so offended by violence you sure don’t seem to have a problem assaulting me Milly.”

  “Who’s being a drama queen now? That should work for tonight and I can get to work on more permanent arrangement in the morning.”

  “Can you two work the tech on this station or do you need some help?”

  “Sammy gave us both the needed implants so we can work the Bree tech.”

  “Did he have time to give you the tour so you know where you can get meals and drinks if you want?”

  “Yes Guerin. Sammy showed us around. He was very nice to us.”