Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  “That’s a good one too. It also has some similarities to my story.”

  “And what would those be?”

  “Well the alien ships medical equipment fixes them up, sort of like what Julie did to me, and they’re all a lot younger, and hornier, than they used to be after that.”

  “Ok then. If your story has common parts with these other stories what’s the problem? You obviously have enough material.”

  “That’s the problem Milly. It should be enough but maybe I’m just not putting it together right or something.”

  “You know those stories aren’t true don’t you Guerin?”

  “Don’t be so quick with that assumption Milly. As I’ve shown there are a lot of similarities scattered across these books and my experiences. Parts of their stories could be true. Maybe they made up a lot of it as well but that’s what I might have to do to get my sales numbers up.”

  “I could rewrite the whole ‘Little Trogan Incident’ chapter. Instead of just leaving through a portal Bart and I could be confronted by a platoon of Trogan warriors as we tried to escape the meeting room and we defeat them with just our wits and a little alien juju.”

  “I regret even having brought this up.”

  “Why do you have to make fun of my writing Milly? I don’t make fun of your work.”

  “Really Guerin?”

  “Ok. I may have made a few comments about your little project but at least I’m supporting you and trying to help. Would it be so hard for you to take my writing serious and maybe help out a bit?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You know I’m going to have to earn money somehow. It’s not like I won the lotto or something.”

  “That again.”

  “Yes, that again. I can’t take a regular job because I’m on call for the next intergalactic emergency and that gig doesn’t actually pay.”

  “Trust me Guerin. You’ll be fine. Stop worrying so much.” And with those little pearls of wisdom Milly headed back to the bedroom.

  Milly came out of the bedroom in her bathing suit.

  “Let’s go relax in the pool. It’s such a beautiful morning, let’s enjoy it outdoors.”

  Milly looked so hot in that bathing suit I couldn’t hardly think straight. I just shook my head.

  “What’s wrong Guerin?”

  “Just because you come out looking like that, don’t think I don’t see you’re just trying to change the subject again.”

  “Like what?”

  “Don’t play with me Milly. You know exactly what I mean.”

  Milly just ignored me and headed out to the pool and dove in. I didn’t need any encouragement. I went and changed into my bathing suit and joined her in the pool.

  We played around for a little while and then Milly finally cornered me. She straddled my body with her legs and wrapped her arms around my neck. She kissed me softly.

  “So?”

  “What?”

  Milly often would get me totally flustered with her little sexual advances then try to talk to me about who knows what. I would just respond with the first stupid thing that popped off the tip of my tongue like this. I thought I knew where this little swim was leading, but obviously not. Was it me? Was I just that stupid or did Milly just enjoy screwing with me in this way?

  “You said you’d talk to me about your conversation with Julie before I left so are you going to tell me about it?”

  “Really? You want to have that talk now? I thought you had something else in mind. Way to ruin what I thought was going to be a nice morning.”

  “Don’t try and change the subject.”

  “ME change the subject?”

  “You promised me. What did she say that made you so mad?”

  “Ok. It’s not really what she said it’s just the way she said it. Like I’m too stupid to figure things out on my own.”

  “What things?”

  “About us.”

  “What about us? What are you trying so hard not to say?”

  “That our relationship might prevent you from accomplishing your goals. That it’s a distraction you don’t need in your life now.”

  “She shouldn’t have said that to you.”

  “No, she shouldn’t have, because I already knew that. I mean, that is why it made me so mad. Like I was just such a selfish child that I wasn’t thinking about what was best for you. I know you have a life, other than babysitting me, and that you need to concentrate on your future. I don’t want to stand in your way or hold you back. I’ve told you this before.”

  “You’re not standing in my way.”

  “Milly. As much as it hurts me to say this, she’s right. Not about me being a selfish child, but I know that we can’t just run off to some paradise planet and live happily ever after. At least not right now.”

  “That doesn’t mean we can’t be together.”

  “It does for now.”

  “Are you dumping me?”

  I just laughed uncontrollably and she got mad and pushed me away. I grabbed her and pulled her back.

  “Let me go!”

  “No.”

  “This isn’t funny Guerin.”

  “Of course it is. How could I ever dump you? Do you think I’m that stupid?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Who’s being stupid now? I love you Milly. That’s not going to change anytime soon. Even if we’re apart, that won’t change how I feel. We have all the time in the world, right?”

  “That may be, but it’s not up to you and Julie. It’s up to us, and we have to discuss this.”

  “What’s to discuss? I have this job to do, which I can’t say what it is or where I’ll have to be at any time. You can’t just drop everything else in your life just to be with me. You wanted me to take this job and I want you to do whatever it is you have to do.”

  “But what if that’s not what I want?”

  “What exactly do you really want Milly? Do you want to stay here on Earth with me? Do you want me to come back with you? Or maybe we can takeoff to wherever and just say screw everything else? What?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You do know. All I want is to be with you too but that’s not realistic and you know it. You just don’t want to admit it or even think about it. Our relationship is a distraction and it’s keeping you from facing the truth.”

  “So, what do you want me to do?”

  “I want you to get back to doing whatever it was you were doing before I entered the picture. It’s all part of my master plan for the revolution you know.”

  “You’re master plan?”

  “You don’t think I seduced you just for the fun of it, do you?”

  “Oh, you seduced me?”

  “Of course. I got you in my bed, not the other way around.”

  “So, according to your monkey logic, whose bed we got into defines who seduced who? Is that part of your scoring system?”

  “Yes.”

  “Maybe that was all part of my master plan to seduce you. Did you even think about that?”

  “Sure, but you’re not that devious. And as I’ve already discovered most of your plans are shit. Wasn’t your original plan to seduce me and get me to agree to all of this? Didn’t you have other plans until it all backfired on you and you were the one that got seduced?”

  “So how does this all fit in to your revolution’s master plan?” Milly just rolled her eyes while saying that.

  “Well, when we overthrow the Empress, we’ll need someone to take her place and that someone needs to be you. Then I’ll marry you and become Emperor of the Universe. The simplest plans are usually the best plans. You have to move up the Bree hierarchy or my plan falls to shit.”

  “I didn’t think it was possible Guerin but that is probably the biggest load of bullshit that’s ever slipped past your lips. I’m trying to be serious and this is what you come up with?”

  “Yes, are you disappointed?”

  “No, but you do realize you’re totally
delusional?”

  “Any more delusional than thinking we can be together?”

  “It’s not the same. So, what? You’re just going to say goodbye and move on? Find yourself a cute little Earth girl and forget all about me?”

  “No. For now I guess it’s goodbye, but we have to let the future take care of itself.”

  “And my plans are shit?”

  “Milly, I’ll never stop thinking about you. I’m doing all of this emissary crapola for you.”

  “Only because Julie forced it on you.”

  “You think if you had asked me to I would have said anything but yes? You want me to say it again? Ok, Julie was right. I never would have said no to you.”

  Milly was crying at this point. I knew this would happen which is why I put it off. Even if I was totally full of shit she knew I was right.

  “Stop crying please. This was why I didn’t want to have this conversation. I’m not trying to hurt you but you know I’m right.”

  “That makes it even worse, admitting the monkey is right.”

  Milly was laughing a bit over her tears as she held me tight.

  “But I’m still an asshole so that should make you feel better.”

  “As long as you’re my asshole.”

  “Always Milly.” And I kissed her. “Always.”

  Epilogue

  It had been seven days since I returned to Earth, or since I came out of the psychotic episode that made me think I’d ever left Earth. Milly had left a few days ago after spending three days with me back on terra firma. They were the best three days of my life and I already missed her.

  I had dropped the dogs off at Sam’s place the night before so he could watch them while I took a little trip. I had found a piece of property in Chile that I thought would be a good place to hide out. It was isolated on 35 acres of lake front property with a nice little cabin. I figured if I moved out of the country perhaps the fact that I was looking younger wouldn’t be noticed and I could live a somewhat normal life for a while.

  I walked into the kitchen and put on the morning pot of coffee. You know, the old-fashioned way. No machine reading my mind and doing all that demanding work for me. You just knew the coffee I was making would taste so much better.

  I tossed my boxers into the hamper and hopped into my big roomy shower. What a relief to know no one was watching me. Still I looked up with a big ass smile on my face and proudly proclaimed “Got nothing for you this morning Julie!”

  Of course, as you may have already figured out, nothing would ever be so simple again. The large boom sound at the front door quickly drew my attention. Before I could even turn my head to see what was happening my face was on a journey to the floor of the shower. Yes, it hurt!

  There were all kinds of noises in the house, it was hard to make out anything in particular, but I was keeping my wits about me. After my little space odyssey, I was pretty much up for anything. The sudden change in this morning’s reality was not that shocking or unexpected. I was a spaceman. I’d seen and done things no other man on Earth had ever seen or done. I had survived my encounter with the evil space bitch Julie.

  “Where’s the fucking dirty bomb asshole!” Then I was introduced to the butt end of some Earth gorilla’s M4. “We’re not fucking around here asshole! Where is it!” and again I was politely greeted by the M4’s stock. I thought to myself, how did he know my name was asshole?

  Maybe nobody mentioned, to this band of Earth’s biggest and baddest gorillas, that I really needed that cup of coffee before I was worth a shit in the morning. They thought another introduction to their M4s might help me answer the question.

  Everything slowly faded to black and on my way out of this reality the only thing on my mind for some reason was Julie, sorry about that Milly.

  I started to come back to and I noticed I wasn’t in my home any longer and I wasn’t on Sammy’s ship. No, even though I had a bag over my head, I could tell I was in a turboprop cargo plane of some sort from the sounds of the multiple engines. I was still buck naked from the shower, water was dripping down my forehead with a little blood mixed in for good measure and I was freezing cold from the altitude. I thought my nose might have been broken as well since it seemed kinda hard to breathe through it at the moment. I heard some of the gorillas talking and I heard the word X-Ray.

  Holy shit batman. I was on my way to the lovely detention facilities at Guantanamo Bay. The weather down there this time of year was rather nice and I heard they had pretty bitchin recreational facilities, so I thought why not. I could use some alone time to decompress after all I went through, right?

  It started to make sense since it wasn’t that long of a trip from the space coast to Guantanamo. They TYCO airport was only a few miles from my house and they could fly directly from there or they could have brought me to Patrick AFB which was maybe a half hour drive.

  A lot of spooky shit happened at Patrick under the watching eyes of the public. Everyone thought this base was just some cush little posting but going back to the 60’s this is where the spy planes would operate from when over flying Cuba.

  Then it dawned on me. I didn’t have to reach full consciousness to see clearly what and who was behind all of this. I strained with all my might against the multiple restraints and looked to the heavens. With true animal rage from the depths of my soul I screamed but one word, a scream that would have made Captain James Tiberius Kirk proud.

  “JULIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  Acknowledgements

  Thank you to all the people, from janitors to astronauts, who made the Apollo program a success and giving a little boy something to dream about. (Please accept my apologies for my generation dropping the ball after all that you had accomplished.)

  Thank you, Gene Roddenberry, for bringing those dreams to our television sets.

  Finally, thank you Douglas Adams for making the universe a fun place to visit.