Mia climbed the stairs with Pat whilst Bill did his rounds, checking all the windows and doors and switching out the lights. They paused on the landing outside what had always been Jamie’s room and the one they had shared on their visits home. ‘Would you rather stay somewhere else, darling? I never even thought about it but you can use one of the other spare rooms if you would prefer?’
Mia shook her head. ‘If you don’t mind then I think I would really like to stay here. So many lovely memories are just the other side of that door. It’s time I gathered them back around me. It’s strange but spending time with Daniel has helped me face my memories of Jamie, and I can think of him with a lighter heart again. I’m thinking more about our life together than the loss of it for the first time. Does that make sense?’
Pat smiled through her tears and gathered Mia close to her. ‘He loved you so, Mia, always swore that you were the light of his soul. From that very first day that he met you. He came home from school with the stars in his eyes and told me that he’d met his future wife that day.’ Mia smiled through her own tears and bade her mother-in-law goodnight.
She slipped into the familiar space and leaned back against the door. She didn’t need to turn on the light; she knew the layout as well as her room at home. Mia stripped her clothes quickly and crawled under the quilt. She automatically lay on what had traditionally been her side of the bed and turned over to face the empty space that had held her first love.
The tears flowed hard and she tugged one of his pillows down into the bed and curled around it, giving in as the familiar scent of the fabric conditioner that Pat always used opened the floodgates to the past. It was a smell that she would always associate with Jamie and this house, this bed, and she wept until the worst had past.
She knew now that it was best to roll with the storm when it hit, holding it back always made it worse when she finally slipped control of the reins. This way it was spent quickly and calm would return sooner. She cried until a particularly harsh sob made such a huge bubble of snot burst out of her nose that it made Mia laugh at the sheer disgustingness of it.
She rolled onto her back and flipped on the bedside light, fumbling for the box of tissues that the ever-mindful Pat had already placed there. After a good blow, which would put a herd of elephants to shame, Mia calmed her breathing and rolled off the bed. She found her wash kit and pyjamas in her bag and slipped into the clothing and quietly out of the bedroom. She moved across the landing to the main bathroom.
She scrubbed her face hard and cleaned her teeth, feeling much better as she poured herself a glass of water. She hesitated in the hall, as Bill stood shadowed in the master bedroom doorway. ‘All right?’ he asked quietly and Mia gave him a nod and an honest, if slightly watery smile. He narrowed his eyes at her as he took stock before nodding his head once and then retreated, closing the door behind him.
Mia crawled back under the covers, mobile phone in hand. There were another couple of chatty, funny texts from Daniel and she replied with a brief message that she was fine, a little blue, but glad she was there. The phone beeped, signalling a reply.
I miss you
I miss you too x
Sleep tight <3 xxx
You too xxx
Mia placed the phone on the bedside cabinet and turned the light off. She switched the damp pillow next to her for a fresh one and cuddled into it as she played her favourite memories of Jamie through her mind. She stared into the backs of her eyelids and built her favourite images of him.
He was turning back to look at her, always a bit ahead of her due to his long legs and swift step. That was how she so often pictured him. Half turned, hand stretched out towards her, urging her to catch up, his sandy hair blowing in the breeze and his eyes squinting in the bright sunlight. Always in a hurry her Jamie, it had been a source of constant good-natured niggles between them.
He was too fast, she was too slow; he needed to just wait a minute, snails were overtaking her; hurry up! Just wait! To anyone else it might have sounded like an argument but it was one of those private exchanges that every couple had. Their own code, which really said: ‘I love you; I’ll never leave you behind.’
‘I know. I love you; I’ll follow you wherever you lead.’
Mia pressed her face closer into the pillow that she clutched close. ‘I love you,’ she whispered aloud. ‘I’ll always love you, Jamie, and I will always be grateful for the way you rescued me and showed me what it was to love and be loved, to be part of a proper family. I’m sorry we didn’t get to continue our journey together until we could take a picture of our hands together, old and aged, marked like you wanted. I’m sorry we won’t ever have sandy-haired babies and that your parents won’t ever get to hold them and love them as they would have wanted to. I’m sorry for everything, but I’ll never ever regret that you found me and showed me how to be the person that I always wanted to be.’
The image of Jamie in her mind sharpened into perfect focus as he laughed and beckoned her towards him. With an answering whoop of joy, Mia ran towards him and he enfolded her in his tight embrace. ‘I love you, Eunomia Sutherland. You are the light of my soul, the song in my ear, the sun on my face. I always knew from that first day I saw you that you would only ever be loaned to me for a little while. I always knew that you would go on without me; that’s why I was so desperate to catch you and keep you whilst I could. Be happy, Mia, hold me close in your heart, but not too tightly that there isn’t room for anyone else.’ He kissed her hard before he gathered her hand and they walked along the shoreline together.
In that weird way of dreams, they were on the beach at Butterfly Cove, even though Jamie had never been there. Dream Mia didn’t have time for rationalisation. She was just glad to be beside him, their hands clasped, trousers rolled to the knee so that they could splash in the chilly waves that lapped the shore. They walked for hours, talking and reminiscing, and the beach stretched on endlessly. No matter how far they walked, the house stayed just on the horizon. They paused and Jamie gathered her close again. They stood wrapped in each other, their breath in unison, their hearts a matching rhythm, and Mia felt whole again.
Eventually, Jamie leaned back and kissed her softly and oh so sweetly. ‘Time for you to go now, my love,’ he whispered and Mia looked around to see that the steps leading from the beach to the garden were just behind her.
Slightly in shadow but his shape unmistakable, Daniel stood there, hands in his pockets as he waited patiently. Mia turned her head back to Jamie and he nodded and smiled and gestured with his head towards the steps as he took a step backwards. Mia reached for him but he just shook his head and continued to move away from her.
She looked down and her feet were sunk deeply into the sand, holding her in place. She glanced back up frantically and cried out as Jamie was barely visible in the distance. There was a warm presence at her back and she knew it was Daniel. He wrapped his arm around her chest and pulled her back to lean against him. A door banged in the distance.
Mia gasped and her eyes flew open, staring up at the familiar ceiling. She closed her eyes trying to slip back into the dream, to catch another glimpse of Jamie but it was gone. Mia wiped the damp from her cheeks and listened to the creak of the stairs as her in-laws moved around the house. Clearly her subconscious had decided that she needed some closure and had conjured the perfect scenario; although the fact that she had been handed like a baton from one contestant to another in a romantic relay made her snort at herself.
Pat was busy scrambling eggs when Mia entered the kitchen. Mia was showered and dressed, a little pale beneath her make-up, but feeling at peace with things. Pat looked over and Mia could see that her face was a little puffy also. They shared a smile of warmth and understanding but didn’t speak of what had passed. They ate breakfast together and discussed the best way forward for Mia.
‘I’ll have to go to the hospital and see Mother, make sure that she’s all right. Well as all right as she can be. I think I’ll go and
do that first thing.’ The last thing she wanted was to go within a mile of The Royal Brook, but now to be in the area and not check up on Vivian would be unforgivable. ‘And after, I’ll go over to Kiki’s and see if I can persuade her to let me bring the kids back here.’
‘Do you want us to come with you, dearest?’ Bill was frowning in concern over the top of his paper. ‘I don’t want you going there alone.’
Bless his sweet heart. He’d gone with her last time. Held her hand, offered to go in alone and do the identification, but she’d felt the need to see for herself. Had carried a tiny seed of hope the police and everyone had got it wrong and Jamie was just lost somewhere, not lying on a cold slab. Don’t think about it. ‘I’ll be fine, Pa. Quick in and out and then I’ll be on my way.’
He frowned. ‘Well, as long as you’re sure?’ The doubt in his voice said he was anything but, but at least he let the matter lie there.
Chapter Seventeen
Daniel sat at the kitchen table and watched Luke and Aaron both scrape the last of the gravy from their plates with thick slices of bread. Madeline was bustling around looking as pleased as punch to have a brood to take care of and Richard sat at the head of the table with a fond smile on his face as he watched his wife lift an apple crumble from the Aga. The sweet fragrance filled the room and Daniel felt his mouth water, even though he was already full to bursting from the second helping of stew that had been heaped on his plate earlier.
They had all worked hard that day, heaving stacks of furniture from inside the barn into the open air of the yard. Richard had suggested they get as much out into the light as possible so they could examine the pieces for rot and damage and to then group pieces that would work together. It had been a clear, fresh day and although they were filthy by the end of it, Daniel was sure that Mia would be pleased with the results. Luke had already selected a few pieces that would suit his plans for the back wing although he was remaining remarkably tight-lipped about exactly what those plans were.
Daniel couldn’t help but smile as Madeline ruffled Luke’s hair and patted Aaron on the cheek as she took their empty plates from the table and replaced them with bowls of steaming crumble and custard. He looked over at Richard and was surprised at the sadness on his face, so he leant forward to catch his eye. Richard shook himself slightly and forced a smile.
Daniel stood up from the table and casually nodded towards the back door. ‘I’m going to stretch my legs for a couple of minutes before I try and tackle pudding.’ Richard stood quickly and followed him, looking relieved of the chance to escape the cosy scene.
They strolled across the garden, hands in pockets, not talking in the way of men. They paused at the top of the steps that led down to the beach and Daniel drew in a great lungful of fresh, salty air. He still couldn’t believe that he was here in this idyllic place and he made a mental promise to himself to not take the situation for granted.
The wind was picking up and there was a slight sting of sea spray in it. He turned and leant against the side rail and Richard turned to mirror him on the other side.
Keeping his head facing towards the water Richard began to speak in a low voice. ‘We could never have children. We tried for a few years but Madeline couldn’t keep them. Not that I blame her at all, it’s just one of those things. After the third time, she nearly bled to death and I went and got a vasectomy whilst she was still in the hospital recovering. I couldn’t bear the thought that I would lose her and she eventually forgave me for it. It might have been different if we were of your generation. The advances in medical science are extraordinary from when we were your age, but we can’t change that. When I see her with you boys, with our Mia, it fills my heart with such joy and yet I can’t help mourning the loss of the family we could never have.’
Daniel stood quietly as he watched Richard blink hard, the moisture on his cheeks not entirely from the sea spray.
‘I miss my dad, Richard. Miss him and Mam so much. I was so lost when I came here. I think Madeline saved my life when she gave me a lift that day at the station. I know how much Mia values you both and I want you to know that I already feel the same way. I don’t know what will happen between us—you know what I want to happen, of course, and I’m hopeful she wants that too. If things work out, then maybe one day we’ll be able to give you that family.’
Daniel watched as Richard drew a shuddering breath and turned to face him with a huge smile on his face. ‘It would be the icing on the cake, son.’ They stepped together and Daniel allowed himself to lean against Richard as they embraced. It felt good to be held and supported and he knew that it would mean a lot to Richard that he was looking to him for such support and strength.
He thought again about how close he’d come to throwing everything away on a cheap buzz and a life of false friends and hangers-on. His muscles ached and he had paint and varnish stains on his hands and yet he couldn’t be happier. He’d even had his camera back out again today, capturing the stacks of dusty and damaged furniture sitting forlornly in their odd groupings in the yard. He still had it in his mind to put together an album for Mia, a memory piece of the work that had gone into transforming Butterfly House from a sad wreck into a vibrant and beautiful home.
He hoped that they would one day be able to show it to their children as a part of their history, telling them the story of how their parents had met. He knew he was getting way ahead of himself but these secret dreams of his heart were growing day by day.
Mia had been honest about going to stay with Jamie’s parents and part of Daniel was terrified that she would decide she wasn’t ready to move on from the past or that with a bit of distance perhaps she would find Daniel lacking in comparison to her lost love.
They’d kept in touch via text messages and he had deliberately kept his light and amusing, afraid that he would let his burgeoning feelings loose otherwise. He didn’t want to speak what was in his heart until Mia was back home and he could gauge her reaction. There was also the risk she would run a mile and he needed to be face to face with her so that he could persuade her not to.
He stood quietly in Richard’s arms and allowed these doubts and fears to wash through him. Richard squeezed his shoulder tightly and Daniel raised his head to meet the older man’s concerned gaze.
‘You’ll do right by each other, son. Just be honest with her and with yourself. If thirty years of marriage have taught me anything, it’s that the secrets and unspoken doubts will spoil things. Nothing good ever came from trying to shield your partner. Trust her with your dark places.’ With another squeeze on his shoulder, Richard steered them both back towards the warmth of the kitchen where Madeline and her delicious crumble awaited them.
They entered the cosy glow of the kitchen. The wave of warmth made Daniel shiver. It was strange how sometimes you didn’t realise how cold you were until after you got somewhere warm. Aaron was tapping away on his phone and Luke and Madeline were huddled together, foreheads almost touching as they perused some of the sketches Luke had put together for the suite. Madeline glanced up to wink at Richard briefly before she turned her whole attention back to Luke.
Daniel was glad that she had drawn his friend out. She had that way about her that made people surrender under the onslaught of her sweet determination. Like a fragrant, linen-clad steamroller, Madeline just kept on coming until she flattened your barriers. She was the perfect foil to Luke’s mother—Aaron’s wicked stepmother. Daniel had met her a few times when he’d accompanied Aaron on trips home during half-terms and holidays. They had ventured north to his own parents more frequently and Daniel understood why. The no-nonsense, unconditional love he’d had waiting for him was so unlike the brittle cold war that was waged daily at the Spenser home.
It was an age-old story of love that never quite lived up to expectations. Cathy had wanted Brian Spenser since the first moment he had sat down at the table that she and her best friend Trisha had been sharing in the Student Union bar at university. Brian had only had eyes fo
r Trisha, and she had fallen for his easy charms hook, line and sinker. As soon as they had graduated, he’d whisked Trisha away to a life of wedded bliss in Somerset and there they had stayed.
Their perfect life had only been further enhanced by their perfect baby boy and Cathy had smiled and seethed her way through the christening, godmother to a baby that in the darkest reaches of her bitter heart should have been her own. It had been tragic when just a few years later, Trisha had been diagnosed with breast cancer. An evil disease that had eaten away her body, but not her bright, beautiful spirit. Cathy had put everything aside to help her friend in her last few weeks.
It was only natural that Brian should turn in his grief to the friend who had supported them both, who knew them both so well. Cathy had offered him the comfort of her body. She did everything to show Brian how perfect a replacement she could be for Trisha, taking such great care of Aaron, giving him all the love that he needed as the poor little boy tried to understand why Mummy wasn’t there any more.
It had been for Aaron more than himself that Brian had finally submitted and married Cathy. He’d tried to hide it, tried to love Cathy as she deserved but too much of his heart had died with Trisha. Aaron was the blessing in his life, the picture of his mother, and the more that Brian doted on him, the more resentful Cathy became.
She fell pregnant, determined to provide a better child for Brian, one who would draw his love away from Aaron and towards them, towards her. She had never understood that Brian had an infinite well of love when it came to his boys and he had adored them both in equal measure.
Thwarted again, the dreams of perfection that she had built in her mind were in tatters and Cathy blamed Aaron for everything. If he had just not been there, reminding Brian of Trisha every day, then Cathy knew Brian would love her the way he was supposed to. The way the hero did in books, the way Brian always had in her twisted fantasy life.
Sunrise at Butterfly Cove Page 13
