Grown & Sexy Senior (Love 101 #4)

by J. Nichole

"Alright, later."

  I hang up the phone and my eyes close, my breathing slows down, and I'm thoughtless. Then I remember Josh plans to make a visit this weekend. I can't avoid the topic in person. My breathing speeds up and my eyes open wide. I'll just tell him the truth. I'm not ready to say I love you. Not ready to be vulnerable.

  My phone vibrates beside me and I'm tempted to ignore it and let myself fall into a deep sleep. I close my eyes again and practice steady breaths. In and Out. In And Out.

  The vibration continues. I grab my phone and look at the display. An unknown number. "Hello. Who is this?"

  "At least I know why you didn't call." He chuckles. "You didn't even have my number saved in your phone."

  Because he was an angel during my long ass wait in the financial aid line I curb my desire to catch an attitude. "You're right. When you called that day I was busy explaining your courtesy."

  "Right. Was your dude jealous?" I know better than to give Tre ammunition to use against Josh. Maybe if I were still a freshman he'd be able to catch me slipping, but I've learned a few things over the years.

  "No, he trusts me." I'd much rather be snoozing than conversing. "I was just about to lie down for a nap. I'll save your number and call you back. Is that cool?"

  "What? A nap? Like right now. In the middle of the day."

  "Yup." I yawn loudly to emphasize my sleepiness.

  "Alright. Call me later, and if you aren't busy maybe we can go out for drinks."

  After last night I need to give my liver a break. I agree anyway and hang up the phone before he can say anything else.

  I toss and turn, then throw my pillow to the floor. Count sheep, breathe in and out. My eyelids feel like they are on fire but my mind will not rest. Josh saying 'I love you' is on repeat in my head and I can't shake it.

  The first time I ever expressed my love was for Travis, my boyfriend from high school. The words flowed from my mouth …eagerly without hesitation. Then with Chris, it didn't come as easily, at least not verbally. The love was there but I held onto it. Buried it deep within me until I felt I trusted him enough not to hurt me. Now, the concept of love is in my mind, but I don't feel it in my heart. Instead, I feel an aching for what I know is missing.

  I close my eyes again. This time to pray, "Dear God, please let me discover the love I have for Josh. Let whatever it is that is blocking the feelings be removed. Amen."

  Chapter Seven

  On my way home I mentally list the things I need to do before Josh arrives for the weekend. Finish article assignment. Clean bathroom. Senior project outlines.

  Walking up the stairs, my phone rings and without looking at the screen I answer the call. "Hello."

  "Hey, are you busy?"

  "No." I say as I try to make out the voice.

  "How are you?" I walk through the door and free my hands to look at the caller ID.

  "Chris." His name came out more enthusiastically than I wanted. "I'm good. How are you?"

  "I can't complain." The line goes silent and I think my phone has disconnected again. I look at the screen and hear him say, "I always have these words imagined that I'd say to you when we speak. But when I hear your voice I just can't get them out." I haven't talked to Chris since I decided I didn't want to give him another chance. He agreed to give me space and not interfere with my relationship with Josh.

  "Maybe write them down next time." Chris starts laughing and I find a smile spreading wide across my face.

  "Laila, I know you and Josh are still together. I know I said I would give you space. And I think I've done well for the past few months." My heart aches as I listen. I know where this conversation is going and I don't want to hear it. Especially not now that I'm trying to figure out my love for Josh.

  "Honestly, I don't want to make things easier for you to be away from me. I'll do whatever it takes to have another chance with you."

  My eyes begin to blink and tears start rolling down my face. "Chris, I don't know what to say about that." The words come out choppy and I clear my throat and continue, "I can't stop you from doing what you need to do. I can tell you that I'll be fair to Josh, and if that means ignoring you then I'll have to do that." I wish Chris and I could be friends. With him, it wouldn't work. I couldn't trust he wouldn't cross a line and I can't trust my own willpower against him.

  "I understand that. I don't want to make things harder for you but something is telling me you and I aren't finished yet. We deserve a happy ending."

  "And now I'm speechless."

  Chris laughs. “Glad I’m not the only one who has a problem communicating.” My mind is racing with thoughts, and I’m happy for his brief distraction from the emotional weight he just offloaded onto me. "Now that we have that out of the way. How's your semester going?"

  "It'll probably be the death of me. If I survive all of the senior projects I'll cross that stage a better woman."

  "You got this. I have no doubts about it." He tells me about working for the family company and the drama with his dad, who is preparing to retire. Chris has always been the one slotted to take over the company, but his brothers aren't excited about the idea.

  I give him an update on my roommates and my family. He tells me that he'll be in touch and hopes I'll find time to speak to him. When I hang up the phone I shake my head and go into my room. I start cleaning my bathroom, and when I open the shower curtain I remember the time Chris and I had sex under a hot shower. I close the curtain and leave the bathroom just as it is.

  I sit at my desk to begin writing my article. The pep talk Chris gave me to help me get through writing the article on Professor Douglas pops into my mind. He knows how much journalism means to me and he didn't want that article to break my passion.

  I push past the memory and begin typing. Three words later, I decide this too will have to wait. I should start on the outline for my senior projects but until I deal with these thoughts about Chris my mind won't rest.

  Hopefully one of the girls can help me. I go in search of Monica, but she isn't in her room. I peep my head around Jennifer's door and she isn't there either. I hear music coming from Nicole's room, and I knock on her door. "Come in."

  Nicole isn't the best with this situation because she is already team Chris. "Hey." I stand in her doorway. She looks up from her pillow. "Are you taking a nap? In the middle of the day?"

  "I feel a cold coming on. I was trying to knock it out before the weekend gets busy." She fans her face. "I have hot flashes." She throws the blanket off of her body. "One minute I'm freezing with chills. The next minute I am hot as hell." My eyes bulge. In the four years that I've known Nicole she's only been sick a handful of times. Even in the dorms, she managed to be well despite all the disgusting germs that permeated.

  She looks like a sad puppy. "Do you need me to get you anything," I ask.

  "No, I should be okay. One of my dudes is bringing over some soup and medicine." A weak smile crosses her face.

  "Always good to have that roster." She nods her head.

  "What's up? You look like you have something on your mind." She re-adjusts her head on the pillow to watch me.

  I roll my eyes and sigh. "You know Josh is on his way here, right?" She mumbles in response.

  "Chris called me and now I can't get him off my mind." She perks up. "And I don't know what to do about this. Josh just told me he loved me, and I haven't been able to say it back yet."

  "Duh. Cause you don't love him. You are still madly in love with Chris." She coughs. "I don't know why you won't give him another chance."

  "I don't know if that's true either. Maybe I feel like there is unfinished business there." She groans. "I mean last year when he came back it rocked my world. But despite all that, I decided to be with Josh anyway. Josh has been in my corner and given me space when I need it but has always been right there."

  "Listen. Don't get me wrong. I don't doubt Josh's love for you. I also don't doubt Chris' love for you. But because they both love you doesn't mean you
love both of them." She sits up in the bed and leans against her headboard. "What is it that's keeping you from being with Chris? Other than Josh?"

  "This may sound dumb. But I feel like I need some grand gesture from him. His words fall short for me. I'm an action person."

  Nicole laughs and grabs her chest. "This dude needs to hurry up before I die." She looks me square in the face. "Saving you from crazy wasn't a grand gesture?" I hunch my shoulders. She pats the bed beside her. "Cover your mouth so you won't get sick. But I need you to hear this." I sit beside her with my shirt covering my mouth and nose.

  She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. She reaches her pinky out to me. "But first pinky promise you won't hate me." I look at her sideways. "Laila." I reach out my pinky to her.

  "Chris reached out to me before he broke up with you. He told me all about crazy girl and what he planned to do. He knew that I wasn't a huge fan of relationships, but trusted I would have your best interest at heart."

  "What the fuck. Nicole. You've kept this from me for two years?"

  "You pinky promised,” she shouts.

  I take a deep breath. "Whatever. Continue."

  "He asked me to watch out for you and to keep him updated if anyone got close to you. He promised he would make things right when it was time."

  "But Nicole, you know how much I hated Jason keeping tabs on me freshman year. This shit ain't cool." I stand up and begin to walk towards the door.

  "Laila, sit down. You have to hear me out." I stand in the doorway with my hand on my hip.

  "I didn't report back on your every move. But he would call now and then and check on you. I'd tell him that you were doing okay." She cocks her head. "Despite the fact I felt you were broken inside."

  A tear rolls down my cheek.

  "Then you and Josh started hooking up, and I knew how much you cared about Josh. I was rooting for you and Josh to work. But I never once felt Josh could replace Chris."

  "Why?" I mouth through sobs.

  "Laila, Chris has your heart. Whether you want to believe it or not." She points at me. "Of course you can move on, eventually. You can make yourself love Josh. But you will have to forget about Chris." She looks down and pulls at her blanket. "I don't want you to forget about Chris. If Chris had any chance of making a comeback it would have to be now."

  My eyes bulge and I realize that she orchestrated this confusion. "Did you tell him to start calling again?"

  She looks away from me. "Do you hate me?" I want to be mad at her. I want to curse her out. But I don't honestly think she did this to hurt me.

  "Of course I don't hate you. Do I wish you had minded your own damn business? Yes. But hate you. Not for this." I dry my face with my shirt and cover my mouth and nose again. I stand beside her bed and pull her into a hug.

  "Laila. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I wanted to let him make things right on his own."

  "Alright. Now that you let that cat out of the bag. I still have my own dilemma." She looks up at me. "Just because I know what he's trying to do doesn't mean things will just go back to normal. Josh is still in the picture. I don't want to hurt him."

  She pouts. "Staying with Josh will hurt him if you know it's not going to work." She throws the covers off of her body again and we both laugh. "How about this. You forget what I told you. Don't worry about Chris this weekend. This weekend just entertain Josh and see what happens. Your heart will speak to you."

  I smack my lips. "Easier said than done, wise one."

  She chuckles. "Hence why I keep a roster in rotation and I don't love these dudes." I shake my head and walk towards the door again.

  "Thanks for the talk, Nicole. Let me know if you need anything after your dude drops off your care package." I close the door behind me.

  Chapter Eight

  I roll over and stare at Josh. Except the after sex nap, I've been tossing and turning all night. I kiss him near his temple and he instinctively wraps his arm around my waist. I wriggle out of his embrace and sit up. It's still early, and he probably won't wake for a while.

  I sit at my desk and power on my laptop, opening the article I started yesterday. My fingers begin to type without hesitation. The lifestyle article about the student volunteers helping the homeless in Tallahassee is complete and Josh is still asleep. I queue up the article to be emailed to Paige and focus my attention on my project outlines.

  One outline is complete and I feel satisfied. I crawl back into the bed beside Josh and nudge up to him laying my head on his side.

  I wake up to an empty bed. Looking around the room, I still see Josh's bag, but no Josh. "Are you finally awake?" I hear him call out from the bathroom.

  "How long have you been up?" I yawn and stretch my arms over my head.

  "Not long." He steps outside of the bathroom fully dressed with a smile spread across his face.

  "Not long? But you're fully dressed."

  "Okay maybe I've been up for a few. Feel like going to get breakfast?" He looks down at his watch. "Or maybe lunch?"

  "We slept through breakfast?"

  He shrugs his shoulders. "I'm not a huge fan of breakfast anyway."

  He comes over to the bed and sits beside me. Kissing my neck he says, "Get up. I know you have a lot to do this weekend. But I want to take you somewhere before you get started."

  I oblige and get myself dressed. My bedroom door is open when I come out of the bathroom and I can hear Josh talking with Monica. Grabbing my purse I close my bedroom door behind me. "I'm ready." Josh looks up and grins. "Good morning, Monica."

  She shakes her head. "Good afternoon, Laila," with an emphasis on afternoon.

  Josh waves to Monica and grabs my hand. On the way to his car I ask him about his conversation with Monica.

  "She was giving me details about her plans after she graduates." He looks down to me. "She seems to have it all together."

  "Yeah she inspires me. She's so young but so driven." He agrees. "Where are we headed to?" I pat my stomach. "I hope to get something to eat."

  "First to feed you. Then to clear your mind." I scrunch my eyebrows. "Don't worry it's going to be a good day."

  We arrive at a restaurant I've never heard of or seen before. "I hope you read some reviews about this place."

  "It has catfish." He grins. "The Louisiana in you should love it." I laugh and he opens the door. The interior is simple but clean. There are a few people seated at the tables but it's not overly packed.

  On our way to our seats Josh nudges my side as we pass a table with a plate of catfish. The smell makes my mouth water and I smile.

  After the waiter takes our order and returns with our sweet tea Josh reaches over and grabs my hand. "You seem to have a lot on your mind lately. Are you okay?"

  "What makes you think that?"

  "Laila, we've been together for some time now, but I've known you most of your life."

  "Maybe cause I'm getting close to graduation. I need to wrap up these classes and find a job."

  "I remember that last semester. There is a lot of pressure." He releases my hand and says, "Are you sure that's it?"

  I take a sip of my tea and nod my head.

  "The other day before your phone died, did you hear what I said?"

  I cough on my tea before I can swallow. He stands up and pats my back. "Are you okay?"

  I mouth, "Yes."

  Our waiter comes to the table with catfish, macaroni and cheese, okra, black-eyed peas, rice, and cornbread. "Looks amazing, right?" Josh looks at me then asks the waiter, "Can I get some hot sauce?"

  "I can't believe I've been here for four years and had no idea this place even existed." I take a bite of the catfish and moan in pleasure from the taste. "Oh my goodness. This may be better than my mama's catfish."

  Josh shakes his finger at me. "I won't tell your mama you said that."

  We eat and talk about our mother's cooking. "Ms. Jackson can throw down. When my mom fails to cook in the evening I call your mom."

  "R
eally?" I know Josh holds a special place in my mom's heart, but I didn't realize she was feeding him on the regular.

  "Yes. Sometimes I sit and talk with her and your dad. Sometimes she has a plate wrapped up for me just to pick up."

  "She's never said anything to me about this secret rendezvous you two have."

  "I wouldn't call it a secret, and your dad is almost always there." He chuckles. "He probably complains every other time that I eat too much food and he doesn't have leftovers. But your mom doesn't ever seem to mind."

  My eyes tingle and I don't say much as I think about the connection he already has with my family.

  We clean our plates, and before we leave, Josh orders a slice of red velvet cake with ice cream on the side. "I'm going to need a nap after all this food."

  He sits back and stretches. "Not till later." He reminds me that we have to go clear my mind.

  In the car, he asks again if I heard him the other day and I say, "What'd you say?"

  "It was nothing. I'll tell you later."

  He makes a turn into what looks like the forest, and I read the sign that says "Maclay Gardens."

  I look over at him and ask, "Are we going on a hike?"

  He nods his head. "Yes. The best way to clear your mind and become one with nature." I'm not an outdoorsy type, but maybe he is right. Maybe this will help me gain clarity.

  We begin the trail, passing patches of flowers and landscaping. "It's nice out here." We slow down to let a couple pass by on their bikes. "Have you ever been biking?"

  "Let's take baby steps. Me and nature aren't the best of friends." He stops walking and pulls me into a hug. It's then that I realize maybe he’s the one who needs to clear his mind. "Are you okay?"

  "I'm better now that I'm here with you this weekend."

  I pull away from him and look at his face. His hazel eyes are glistening and I know there's more to that statement than what he's telling me. "I wish I knew that eventually we'd be in the same area, but it doesn't feel like that will happen."

  We continue our walk to a bench and take a seat beside each other. I turn to face him. "Josh, I wish I was like Monica and had it altogether." I look out at a butterfly crossing in front of us. "Not being near you is hard for me too."