Secrets That We Keep

by Linda Kage

  I’d had to cut the first hour of basketball short because I’d broken out in a cold sweat and started to have a panic attack when Parker had gotten within two feet of me. But now, all these months later, I could actually bump against him during the game without even pausing.

  It was progress.

  That’s what he claimed, anyway.

  I knew I still had a long way to go.

  “You warmed up and ready for another half hour of loss?” he asked with his usual wickedly taunting grin as he tossed the ball at me to begin on offense.

  Today, I felt ready.

  Without waiting for him to get into a defensive position, I dove forward, dribbling hard for the basket and making him scramble to dodge in front of me. But just as soon as he did, I pulled back and performed a jump shot, scoring two points in the first three seconds of play.

  “Yep,” I told him as the ball ate nothing but net. “I’m ready.” Then I pointed at him. “For your loss.”

  His mouth fell open as his gaze followed the path of the ball. Then he turned back to me slowly, his eyebrows lifting.

  “Oh, so that’s how it’s going to be, is it?” Then he smiled wide, ready to take on the challenge. “In that case…” He pulled up his phone and started some music.

  When “What’s Up, Danger” by Blackway and Black Caviar poured through the speakers, he retrieved the ball, and announced, “Now, let’s really play.”

  For the next half hour, we went at it hard. I actually hip-checked him once and caused him to miss a shot, which earned me another startled glance. But I couldn’t help it. I was just on this morning.

  Life poured through my veins, and I felt the need to conquer this session.

  From that point on, he had no mercy, either. It didn’t take me long to realize that all this time, Parker had merely been going easy on me. He’d never let me win before, but today—today he pulled out the big guns. Yet, I still made him work for his money. We started playing dirtier, nudging the other in the gut, hips, and sides, and grabbing arms to foul like crazy.

  At one point, he shoved his elbow at me, bumping me out of the way so hard in order to make a three-pointer that I lost my balance and tumbled to the ground.

  “Oh, shit,” he said, realizing he’d been a tad bit too aggressive. “Sorry. You okay?” He paused the game to hold a hand down to me, and for some reason, when I looked up, the first thing I saw was not his hand but the front of his black shorts, where I could make out the distinct impression of his jock bulging slightly out the front.

  A stain immediately blushed my cheeks. But I’d never, in all the time Parker and I had worked out together, noticed that before. I mean, this was probably the first time it was right there in my face, but still…

  Strangely, I wasn’t panicked by it.

  Worse yet, I was embarrassingly curious.

  Oh geez.

  What was wrong with me? Avoiding his outstretched hand, I scrambled to my feet, only to realize he’d seen me gaping right at his junk.

  Lord, kill me now.

  He lifted a single eyebrow, but said nothing except, “You okay?”

  Absolutely not. But I cleared my throat and rubbed the back of my neck to hide my blush behind my lifted arm. “Yep,” I answered. “Yeah. Fine.”

  He nodded and picked up the ball before tossing it to me. “Your turn.”

  From that point on, I backed off a little, freaked by my own reaction. And Parker ended up beating me by two points.

  “Good game,” he panted as soon as it was over and he’d collapsed onto the gym floor next to me, where I was already sitting and gulping copious amounts of water. Then he stole my bottle and squirted a healthy amount into his own mouth. “But I gotta know,” he asked, only to hold up a finger and pause to catch his breath before he exploded, “What the hell has gotten into you this morning?”

  Heat broke out over my flesh, but I tried to keep a straight face, even though I was probably as red as a strawberry when I mumbled a very evasive, “What do you mean?”

  “What do I…?” His mouth fell open. “Are you serious? First, you crack the sex joke as soon as I show up. That is not like you. At all. Then you run like a two-minute mile, play ball like a freak-of-nature, badass athlete or something, and then—then you check out my damn dick print.”

  “Oh my God!” I exploded, covering my face with both hands. “No…no, I didn’t.”

  “Yeah,” he countered slowly. “You totally did.”

  “Not on purpose,” I moaned in complete humiliation. “Please, can we stop talking about this? I am so sorry. But it was, like, right there. In my face. I couldn’t help—I just—I just—I—I—”

  “Don’t worry,” he assured, chuckling as he nudged my shoulder to stop the skipping record I’d become. “I’m not mad. I’m actually kind of proud of you. You didn’t react with horror like you thought it was going to jump out of my pants and attack or anything. That’s progress.” He nudged my shoulder again. “This is good, El. Own it.”

  Okay. So he thought checking out a guy’s dick print was good. It was official. I had the strangest life coach ever. Then again, I’d probably hired a life coach for the strangest reason ever, too.

  “I’m guessing last night’s assignment went over well,” he concluded, finally pulling out his notebook from his sports bag. After tossing my bottle back to me, he flipped through pages, only to pause when he came to the one he was seeking. “Let’s see, we came up with the objective for you to go to the movies by yourself, right?”

  I drug in a deep bolstering breath and nodded. “Right.”

  When I didn’t say anything else, he finally glanced up. “So? How’d that go? Did you make it through the entire film?”

  “I…” Blushing as Gracen Lowe’s blue-gray eyes and quick-witted smile flitted through my brain, I nodded some more. “Yeah, I, um, I made it through the entire thing.”

  Go me.

  Beside me, Parker’s eyebrows quirked with confusion before he pointed. “Wait... You met a guy there, didn’t you?”

  “Oh my God,” I moaned with mortification and buried my face in my hands. “How did you even guess that?”

  “Because you’re flustered. And men are the only thing that fluster you. But this is different than your usual…” He paused a moment before gasping, “Holy shit. You liked him.”

  Seriously, Lord, why hadn’t you put me out of my misery yet?

  “Please, stop,” I begged.

  “Why?” he pressed, grinning like crazy when I lowered my hands enough to scowl at him. “This is good. This is what we’re working toward, isn’t it? Combatting your fear of men? Well, if you like one, then you probably weren’t scared of him. Right? Wait, you weren’t scared of him, were you?”

  I blew out a breath and admitted, “No, I wasn’t scared of him. But…” I winced. “It was all wrong. I only felt safe with him because he started the evening by saving me from some creep, and then—then he said some truly, awful, unforgivable things. But that was only because we’re—”

  “Wait, wait.” Parker interrupted. “You’re going to have to back up there and explain a couple of things first. What the fuck did he say to you? And what’s this about a creep?”

  Realizing I needed to explain more than I wanted to, I groaned, wondering if I could somehow wiggle my way out of having this entire conversation. I suddenly didn’t want to reveal anything else. Parker was going to realize how much I hadn’t progressed after all.

  “El,” he pressed. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what happened.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Oh, whatever,” I mumbled, evading the subject entirely by adding, “you just want all the juicy details.”

  “Hell yes, I want the juicy details,” he cried and snapped his fingers. “Now spill, woman. What happened? Who is this guy? And how did he make you so blushy and active this morning? Jesus, no wonder why you were full of energy. Whoa. Did you get laid last night?”

  “Okay, stop right there.�
� I held up a hand. “Because no, I did not get laid. Nothing happened between us. And I’m never even going to see him again. The man is completely forbidden territory.”

  “Forbidden?” Parker’s brow furrowed. “Now I’m even more intrigued. How’s he forbidden?”

  I watched him for a moment. Then I heaved out a breath. “Let me start from the beginning.”

  Rolling his eyes as he began his warm-down exercises, stretching his legs out in front of him and touching his toes, he answered, “Brilliant idea.”

  I sighed over his sarcasm, even as I started, “So I arrived at the theater, nervous as hell, right? I’d never gone by myself before.”

  “Okay, I’m following.” Parker circled the air with his finger. “Keep talking.”

  I nodded. “I wanted to stop by the concession stand because nothing beats movie popcorn, but I don’t know.” I shook my hands and tried to control the suddenly advanced beating of my heart. Just thinking about my anxiety made my breathing go wonky. “I kept thinking, what if I needed to run or fight—well, I’d need my hands to be free. I couldn’t carry a drink or popcorn around everywhere and keep my hands free. So I bypassed the concession stand.”

  “Damn, El,” Parker breathed out, casting me a sympathetic wince. “I hate that your brain automatically thinks that way.”

  “Please stop looking at me like that,” I begged pathetically.

  Since he’d agreed never to give me pity, he lifted his hands. “Right. Sorry. Continue.”

  “Right,” I whispered, my voice shaking. “But it was a good thing I did have my hands free because I didn’t even get seated in my chair before this guy…” Just thinking about him made me queasy. I shook my head and blew out a breath. “This guy started hitting on me, and he knew I was alone, so he crossed the aisle to my seat and he—he…”

  “El.” Parker reached for me, looking concerned. But I pulled away before he could touch me, and I bent both knees toward my chest so I could hug them.

  “No, I’m okay,” I assured him. “I’m fine.”

  But I wasn’t really. And we both knew it.

  “What did he do?” Parker prodded, his voice low and tense.

  “He just scared me,” I admitted as my eyes began to water. “He was bold and persistent, and when I tried to stand up and get away from him, he managed to back me into a wall so I couldn’t escape.”

  “He did what?” my life coach exploded, appearing ready to commit bodily harm.

  I nodded. “I’m not going to lie. It freaked me out. My mind just went blank, and I forgot everything we had practiced and trained for. And I mean everything. I just—I completely bombed it.”

  “Fuck, El,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. Are you okay? Why didn’t you call—”

  “I’m fine,” I repeated quickly. “I mean, I probably would’ve had a complete breakdown and panic attack all over him, but this other guy showed up and chased him off.”

  Parker blew out a relieved breath. “Thank God.”

  I scowled petulantly. “No, not thank God, because I should’ve been able to get rid of him on my own. He left as soon as my hero showed up, so I’m sure I could’ve rebuffed him with only some strong words. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Damn it. When am I just going to get over this already?”

  “El,” Parker said softly. “You were raped.”

  As always, the mere word caused me to choke up and tighten inside myself until there was only darkness and me, alone together in an endless room, where I had to try to calm down and not fall into a million pieces. It felt as if it took me a millennium just to breathe. But I finally did, and I slowly realized I was okay. I was safe. I wasn’t in distress. Everything was fine.

  When I returned to the outside world again, no time had actually passed. Parker was still there and still watching me as he added, “You’re not going to get over that anytime soon.”

  Tears flooded my cheeks. Closing my eyes, I pressed the sockets into the caps of my knees, and I hugged my legs tighter against my chest. “But I’m tired of always being so damn scared and weak.”

  When Parker gently touched my shoulder, I flinched in surprise. And his hand immediately fell away.

  He let me cry for a couple of minutes without saying anything. Then he sighed. “I know you’ve rejected this idea the past five dozen times I’ve suggested it, but maybe you need to see a real therapist. This is not my area of expertise. Yes, I help people with some personal issues, but mostly I’m used to working out ways to organize bill-paying strategies, writing up resumes and cover letters for jobs, balancing damn checkbooks. I am not qualified to—”

  “Please,” I begged him, lifting my face. “Don’t make me go to anyone else. It took me a year to build up this much trust with you. I can’t start over with someone new.”

  I’d never even intended for him to find out about my personal issues. I’d just been so tired of being such a nervous wreck all the time. I had thought a life coach could boost my confidence in other areas so that I could deal with this on my own. But Parker had always been so freaking intuitive and persistent; he’d figured out where my problems stemmed from within the first three sessions. And he’d had no mercy; he’d come up with ideas to tackle my fears directly.

  “Hey, you know I’ll be here for you as long as you need me,” he assured softly. “I’m just saying, a therapist on top of these sessions might—”

  “I’ll think about it,” I cut in quickly, letting him know I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Then I sent him a short, apologetic smile. “And anyway, I think you’ve helped me quite a bit for not being qualified as you put it.”

  “Hell, yes, I have,” he encouraged. “Just this morning, in fact, I would’ve sworn you were completely over—hey.” He frowned. “You really were full of pep this morning. And after the night you had, too. What…?” His brow furrowed before he sent me a slow grin. “I think I’m going to want to hear more about this hero you mentioned.”

  “There’s not much to say,” I mumbled, back to blushing and avoiding eye contact. “Because it turns out I already kind of knew him. He, uh, he’s her brother.”

  Parker made a face. “Her?”

  I widened my eyes at him. There was only one her I’d ever talked about to him. A moment later, he caught on and nodded. “Oh. Okay. You mean, the other woman.”

  I cringed. “Technically, I think I would be considered the other woman.”

  He wrinkled his nose and shook his head, completely disagreeing. Then he said, “So this guy was—”

  “Her brother,” I finished for him. “Yes.”

  “Wow.” He soaked that in a moment before cocking his head to the side as if confused. “So he helped you? And he knew who you were, right?”

  “Yeah. Strange, huh?”

  With a shrug, Parker murmured, “Meh. Sounds like a decent thing to do to me.”

  “But he thinks his sister and I are—”

  “If a man has a single good bone in his body, hell yes, he’s going to step in and help if he sees a woman getting harassed, whether he likes her or not.”

  “He reminded me a lot of you, actually,” I decided suddenly.

  “Me?” That perked my life coach to immediate attention. With a lift of his brows, he said, “Oh, so you’re saying he was incredibly handsome, huh?”

  I laughed and shook my head. “You just had to go there, didn’t you?”

  “Wait, wait.” Squinting at me and trying to read my thoughts, Parker’s mouth fell open with a horrified gasp. “Holy shit. You think he’s better looking than I am? El! What the hell?”

  I rolled my eyes. “It’s—oh my God. You’re ridiculous. Comparing the two of you would be like comparing apples and oranges. Because you’re all raw and rough and masculine, while he’s—”

  “Feminine?” Parker guessed dryly.

  “No,” I cried in horror. “He’s like—I don’t know—cultured. And smooth.”

  Gracen was like pure art.

  “Ah…” Parker
drew out slowly. “You mean, he’s a pretty boy.”

  I sighed in defeat over the entire conversation and just gave up by answering, “Yeah. Sure. He’s a pretty boy.”

  “Well…” Parker lifted his hands as if there was no hope for me. “I guess, if you’re into that type, that’s fine.” Then he lifted an eyebrow. “But, seriously, on a scale of one to ten—”

  “He’s a twelve,” I blurted in a rush. “Definitely a twelve.”

  Eyebrows arched as if impressed, Parker nodded. “Okay, then. Pretty boy’s a twelve. And a gentleman hero, too. How the hell does that remind you of me?”

  I smiled over his genuine confusion. “I guess it was more my situation with him that reminded me of my sessions with you. Not his looks. It’s like a controlled environment between us, here, right? You’re trying to acclimate me to physical contact with others and help ease me into growing more accustomed to being close to men, but it’s not at all sexual. And I always know that if any contact goes further than what I’m ready for or if I ever get overwhelmed or start to freak out, you’ll stop. Immediately.”

  “Right,” Parker agreed on a nod.

  “Well, it was like that last night too. Since it started with him stepping in and scaring off the other guy, then sitting by me through the entire movie to keep the creeper away…” I shook my head. “I don’t know, it just seemed like a safety net had been put down under us. And anything that happened with him was okay. If I ever needed to stop, I instinctively knew he’d step back.” Pausing, I frowned. “Is it even possible to know that about a person when you first meet them? To know they’re safe like that?”

  Parker shrugged, but then answered, “I’d like to think so. And since he played hero, it sounds like that was a good assumption, anyway.”

  “But he also said some really rude, awful things to me.”

  “Like what?”

  “Oh…” I waved an unconcerned hand. “You know, just things about my character. Because he thinks of me as the other woman to his sister. And for some reason, even as he was saying some of those things, I…” I shook my head. “I don’t know. It was like I’d already forgiven him for it because he was only saying it in her defense. Everything he did last night was either in concern for me or compassion for his sister. It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who’s like that.”