Sweetest Release

by Nicole Highland

  A N O V E L L A

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or deceased, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  Overall cover design: Nicole Highland

  Cover art photos:

  Alejandra Quiroz of Unsplash.com; https://unsplash.com/@alejandraquiroz

  Sebastian Molina of Unsplash.com; https://unsplash.com/@sebamolinafotografia

  Jordan McDonald of Unsplash.com; https://unsplash.com/@jordanmcdonald

  Remy Loz of Unsplash.com; https://unsplash.com/@axellvak

  Overall cover design:

  Copyright © 2018 Nicole Highland

  All rights reserved.

  www.nicolehighlandwrites.com

  ISBN:

  ISBN-13:

  To all those who’ve supported my creative expression, and gave me the freedom to roam; this is for you.

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  PROLOGUE 8

  CHAPTER 1 20

  CHAPTER 2 x

  CHAPTER 3 x

  CHAPTER 4 x

  CHAPTER 5 x

  CHAPTER 6 x

  CHAPTER 7 x

  CHAPTER 8 x

  CHAPTER 9 x

  CHAPTER 10 x

  CHAPTER 11 x

  CHAPTER 12 x

  CHAPTER 13 x

  CHAPTER 14 x

  CHAPTER 15 x

  CHAPTER 16 x

  CHAPTER 17 x

  CHAPTER 18 x

  CHAPTER 19 x

  CHAPTER 20 x

  EPILOGUE x

  PROLOGUE

  _______

  I never wanted to let go.

  I struggled to maintain my composure as we released each other from the embrace, and hoped to God it wouldn’t be the last time he would hold me that way.

  Tiny pieces of my heart fell to the floor when he told me he had to move away, but now I felt like what remained of my heart was in a heap, lying on the ground.

  “Don’t forget to text me when you get there,” I said.

  “I won’t forget. Besides, you’ve reminded me about ten times today, already,” he said.

  He grinned, and that grin haunted me for several nights in my dreams. It was such a heavenly smile, but it was a smile that cut me with a knife, and it was freeze-framed forever in my mind.

  I hoped I would find the strength to move on. It wasn’t every day I met guys like him. He was different.

  Sure, I’d had many people come and go in my life. I’d had people that inspired me, frustrated me, confused me, hurt me, taught me, and everything in between. But loved me?

  For me, there would always be only one person who ever fell into that category.

  Devin Brandt.

  We had just met after Christmas during my senior year of high school. Having broken up the year before with my first boyfriend, Charlie, I was no stranger to heartache. I was all too familiar with it.

  I had crushed on many guys during junior high and high school, and I was well acquainted with guys who played games, guys who lied to get their way, and guys who were just plain selfish. I spent entire lunch periods crying in bathroom stalls and scribbled the names of guys I hated in my daily planner. I was all too familiarized with emotional drama, period. In a sick, twisted way, it was an addiction, and it followed me wherever I would go.

  I was your typical teenage girl who was emotional, and constantly on edge. I always felt vulnerable and anxiety-ridden, especially around my peers.

  I never felt I was good enough, and the whole class loved to play into my irrational fears. I was never good enough, it seemed. You’re too tall. You’re too flat chested. You’re too artsy. Your hair is too long. They always had a reason, no matter how absurd, and the list went on and on.

  I never measured up, and no matter how hard I tried to fit in, there was never a group for me. Even in my earliest days in school, I always felt different. I viewed the world with different eyes. And I had an affinity for the wounded, the strange, and the broken because those were the people who were the easiest for me to relate to. I just wanted what everyone does: to feel loved and appreciated.

  With Devin, everything in my life changed. Everything was a whirlwind, intense and passionate, and precisely everything that a first love usually is. And for once, I felt comfortable in my own skin. He was the one person who accepted me for who I was.

  We were first introduced to each other through our mutual friend, Dana. I remember the first time I laid eyes upon him. We had just started the new semester, and Devin was in my chemistry class.

  Chemistry. Oh, talk about chemistry! I sat every day in class and admired his handsome looks from afar. He had perfect alabaster skin, black hair, and deep brown eyes almost as dark as night. His perfectly sculpted jawline complimented his full, savory lips, and his flawless smile. Every article of clothing fit his muscular body in all the right places.

  He was everything I had ever fantasized about when I thought about my perfect guy.

  He was exquisite. But he was so aloof.

  I frequently heard girls whispering about him, wondering how someone so handsome was single, and seemed to have no remote interest in dating. I wasn’t sure I had ever seen him so much as talk to a girl before, let alone go out on a date.

  I wanted to crack his code. I wanted to walk up to him and say something, but I wasn't sure of what to say. So when Dana finally did all the legwork and introduced us, I was beaming with joy! Finally. I would solve this mystery and find out what made this brooding piece of male perfection tick!

  I was nervous the first time we talked, but we hit it off right away. He was sweet; almost too sweet. So I was beyond excited when he asked me out.

  On our first date, he arrived dressed to the nines, looking immaculate and as handsome as ever. When he opened the car door for me, I thought we teleported back into time. That simple gesture was something you only saw in old movies; when romance was still alive and well, and men still acted like gentlemen and treated their ladies with respect. He was a breath of fresh air; an old soul, in a strikingly attractive young man’s body.

  When I got in the car, he handed me the most beautifully wrapped gift box I had ever seen. Inside was a dazzling charm bracelet. The first charm was already on it; a heart adorned with shimmering rhinestones. It was breathtakingly gorgeous, and he told me we’d add to it, as we passed special milestones together. I loved that he’d thought ahead to our future. It was a refreshing change, considering most people our age didn’t think past the next five minutes, let alone days or even years.

  Our first date went wonderfully. We had a delicious dinner at a local restaurant, followed by watching a movie I wanted to see for quite some time.

  I figured out why they say laughter is contagious. The movie itself was a comedy but it wasn’t half as funny as watching Devin’s reactions to the outrageous scenes. When he laughed, I laughed. I hadn’t had that much fun in a long time.

  When we left the theater, we spent the entire walk back to the car hand in hand, giggling about it like fools. Our laughter and voices carried through the still of the crisp evening air. It started to snow, and we tried to collect the snowflakes by sticking out our tongues.We were acting silly, but we paid no mind, because we enjoyed every minute of the madness we were in.

  He brought me back home right on time, and when he kissed me goodnight, I knew I was magnetized. I had already fallen for him hard. Falling for him felt easy and comfortable and was as natural to me as breathing.

  As time went on in our relationship, he brought me out of my shell. He challenged me to
grow and change and he pushed me out of my comfort zones. He supported my creativity, and he loved all of my little quirks. Most of all, he gave me room to grow, and what I didn’t realize was how it would shape me as a person forever.

  Devin gave me so much more than any guy before him had given me. Despite all my flaws and insecurities, he cared for me the same. Over time, we grew closer and closer together, and though it would remain unspoken for a while, we knew we were in love. His love for me was the purest of pure.

  He was so beautiful, yet so painfully broken, though for a while he tried not show it. He refused to allow me to see that side of him at first, but in time, the truth came out.

  His home life growing up was filled with physical pain and scars, and emotional wounds that ran even deeper still. His mother was an alcoholic and an abuser, and Devin’s father was nowhere to be found, which left Devin being raised by his aunt, Christine.

  He learned from a young age that sometimes even the people that are supposed to love you the most just don’t, and they leave you high and dry.

  Devin feared love because he knew it had the power to not only construct him, but the power to consume and destroy him, too, just like his parents had done to him.

  He put up ironclad walls just to keep the misery out, but when I came along, I tore down those walls. He fell for me, as I did for him, in the most innocent way possible. And, for a while, everything was perfect.

  Our first Valentine’s Day together, was the first and last Valentine’s Day I would ever fully enjoy. It was everything a teenage could ever want. I came home from school, the day before Valentine’s Day, and waiting on the kitchen table, sat a surprise for me.

  The first surprise was a vase containing a beautiful bouquet of the deepest red-colored roses I’d ever seen. I still remember the way they smelled.

  Sitting alongside them was the softest plush bear in the universe, holding a small pink heart with the word ‘love’ embroidered into the fabric.

  But the best gift of them all was neither the teddy bear, nor the gorgeous flowers. It was the card that went along with them.

  For the first time, from someone other than family, someone told me, “I love you.” In bold thick ink, below the message on the card, Devin scrawled those words, along with X’s and O’s and an adorable smiley face. The card brought happy tears to my eyes; it was so cheesy, cute, and sweet. It was truly the sweetest thing I had ever received. And in that moment, those three words never had as much meaning as they did then.

  And that’s all it took. I wanted someone who truly cared, and truly understood me, and now I finally had it.

  When the weather finally got nicer, we spent increasingly more time together. We became inseparable. I spent so many afternoons with him sitting up in his room, listening to classical music, and musing about life beyond those walls. We felt like we could conquer the world together.

  As the school year winded down, we planned for senior prom. We talked about what color scheme we wanted to dress in, and whether we could afford a limo to show up in, like the movie stars we wanted to pretend to be for the night. For a moment in time, we could feel like we were something special to the universe, and I couldn’t wait. I knew it would be amazing.

  Planning for prom was fun, but in the back of my mind, I was already planning for something much, much bigger.

  I dreamed of what our wedding day would be like, and what kind of house we would live in. I even wondered how many children we would have. My future wouldn’t be complete without him, and I looked forward to growing old together, and loving each other for the rest of our lives.

  Prom finally came around, and the evening was everything we’d dreamed of, and then some. It was nice to experience the fairy tale I’d dreamed about for so long, but the night was far too short. We couldn’t have asked for a better night.

  We left early to sneak out to his car. I still remember how my heart raced as we nestled ourselves in the backseat, and how our closeness made my body ache with desire. Under the cover of darkness, our lips finally met. The kisses grew deeper and deeper, and we decided it was time; innocence was lost, and we said we’d never regret it.

  Looking back, we fell for each other quickly, but it was easy to fall so hard and so fast with reckless abandon. But as quickly as it started, it ended.

  Everything was going great until the evening Devin received a call from his aunt. That one phone call changed everything.

  His aunt had to move out of state for her job, and because Devin wouldn’t make enough to make it on his own without her, he had to leave after the school year was over. He had no choice but to leave with her, and at the end of the year, he packed up everything, including my heart.

  He said he would be back as soon as he could afford it, but I remained skeptical. He promised we would stay in touch while he was away, but as time went by, the calls and texts were fewer, and one day they stopped completely. My messages and phone calls went unanswered, and my heartache began.

  I could’ve cared less about the opportunity given to his aunt. I only cared about getting him back, and while I was mad at myself for being selfish, I couldn’t help it. The silence killed me, and I couldn’t stand it.

  I wanted him more and more each day. I loved how I felt when I was with him and how he completed me, but when he left, I felt empty. I wanted things back the way they were and to continue what we started.

  Months later, he texted me out of the blue, but it wasn’t the same. He didn’t seem like himself, and he wasn’t sure when we would see each other again.

  He wasn’t sure how to make it work. I wasn’t entirely sure either though I was too stubborn to admit it at the time. I still wanted to try, but I soon figured out the art of love is not one crafted over night. It takes time, and it’s a lifelong process.

  I felt like I needed to control the situation, but the control was slipping right out of my fingers, but there wasn't anything I could do. He had decided for me.

  The days, weeks, and even months afterward were all a blur. I threw the bracelet he bought me out the window of my car one morning on my way to work. I took a butcher knife to the stuffed teddy bear he gave me. Slicing through the faux fur and stuffing gave me such release, and I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about slicing him to pieces, too. I wanted him to feel my pain. I wished for him to feel even a fraction of the pain I’d been experiencing. My heart physically hurt.

  He destroyed me. My bitterness and anger consumed me, and it consumed my every thought. He was like the sun; he brought so much life to my soul. He allowed me to experience feelings I never thought I could have. I didn't think I could experience this much joy.

  Time went on, and things slowly felt somewhat normal again. But now and then, I would sit and wonder how different our lives would be if we were still together. I tried hard to suppress it. But no matter how hard I tried, there would always be that nagging feeling of ‘what-if’ tucked away in the deep, dark recesses of my mind.

  The pain never fully went away. Time made it hurt less, but there would always be a piece of my heart that belonged to Devin. I only hoped that someday he could find love even if it wasn't with me. We were on different life paths now, and I reconciled myself with that as best I could.

  Two years passed, and over time, I had gone on a few dates, but nothing had turned into anything serious. I wanted someone to love me the way I thought I deserved. I was looking for my ‘forever,’ but I soon realized that most of what they were looking for was a place to land for the night.

  In early spring, almost three years after Devin and I broke up, I met James Silverman, and his boyish charm almost instantly won me over. James sported a beard, tattoos, and was the ‘country boy’ I never knew I needed.

  We were complete opposites on paper, but we hit it off right away. He was from a rural community and came from a farming family. Compared to him, it made me feel like I lived in the city. His home was off of a dirt road, and it
seemed like the most quiet, peaceful place on earth. He liked everything outdoorsy, and I was content to spend my days inside on the computer. Yet somehow, in our own weird way, we worked.

  Like Devin, James challenged me to have new experiences, and to try new things. We went camping, and hunting, and he even taught me how to fish.

  We spent many nights together looking up at the stars, and I always gazed in sheer amazement. I loved the way they sparkled against the black sky, and it was a blessing to see such a spectacular view. I could never see so many all at once when I was at home.

  We would take long rides on his motorcycle and visit the neighboring towns. Every day was a new adventure with him, and it was both thrilling and occasionally terrifying. I had never been on a motorcycle before, but despite that, he made me feel so comfortable and so at ease. I enjoyed venturing around our little corner of the world.

  After only six months, James proposed. Without hesitation, I said yes, feeling like I made the right decision. Once again, my life was in a whirlwind, but it didn’t faze me at all.

  It didn’t faze me until I was standing at the front of the church, which was the same church Pastor David married his parents in, so long ago. As I glanced out at the congregation—all smiles, and a few people shedding happy tears—Devin’s face came back to haunt me. I wondered what he would say if he was here now. Would he be happy for me? Or would it disappoint him to know I had moved on?

  I had somehow pictured this day so differently, and I couldn’t help but wonder if I was making the right choice. Surely, I was, after all. But there was no more room for doubt anymore.

  I grew irritated at the fact that Devin would pop into my mind at a time like this. How dare he enter my thoughts!

  Here I was, on what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and he was in my head taunting me, making me doubt my decision. Or at least that’s the way I felt.

  It was a horror I couldn’t escape, and a horror I alone had to face. I didn’t want a ghost of my past re-entering my life. I just wanted to move along with my life, and forget the loss I had gone through, and the pain I had suffered.