Despite being excited to see him again, I was still apprehensive. I had a hard time wrapping my mind around how he suddenly wanted to see me when only a week ago he was distraught and feeling ashamed of our tryst.
Sometimes it felt like I was drowning in his ever-changing sea of emotions, and I wondered if all of this effort was even worth it. I didn’t want to live in a state of regret. I knew I should’ve been more remorseful than I was, but I was sick of denying myself the ability to feel the emotions flowing through my veins.
I had so much to sort out, and we would need to take one step at a time, even though I wanted to take that plunge with him, and jump right in. Though he admired my passion and my spirit, he wanted to control the pace. I either had to accept that, or move on. But for my heart, moving on would never be an option.
Rather than immerse myself in the negative thoughts that plagued my mind, I thought about what are plans would be for the evening.
As I continued to sit in silence, I wondered if he even received the text. I opened the texting app to check the status of the message, thinking perhaps a glitch caused it to not send, but it said it delivered the message. I shook my head. Maybe he is busy, I thought. With each second that passed, I missed him more.
By now the sun was descending more in the sky, and its warm, bright hues casted a glow against the blue sky above. I knew if I had to choose, there would only be one person I’d love to see every sunset with for the rest of my life: Devin.
As the thought crossed my mind, the screen lit up on my phone, and Devin’s name appeared. It was time to leave.
♥⍣♥
I pulled into the parking lot, and saw Devin standing outside the main entrance smoking a cigarette. Oh, how I want to be that cigarette, I thought. I yearned to taste him again, but I needed to restrain myself. I was so hard to restrain myself when I was around him.
“You waited for me,” I said.
He looked at me from behind his sunglasses and took another drag before saying anything.
“I wanted to make sure you were safe. Some of the men in this building were looking at you like a piece of meat last time you were here.”
Though I hadn’t noticed anyone staring, I adored how protective he was of me. As we got into the elevator, two younger men joined us. Devin wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in closer than usual. I couldn’t help but notice how his icy gaze bore holes into them, and I wondered if he thought they were a threat to me.
Thankfully, when we reached his floor, the men went off in the opposite direction. He opened the apartment door, and before I could walk in, Devin ushered me backwards as he grabbed his car keys.
“I’m just getting my keys. We’re going to be taking a little trip this evening,” he said.
“Oh, I thought we would just stay in for the evening, so we could talk,” I said as my voice faded.
I really wanted to discuss what happened last weekend. At the very least, he owed me an explanation for his behavior and what transpired. To my surprise, he didn't seem bothered by what I’d said to him.
“We will talk about it, but I’d rather go for a little drive right now.”
The daylight was fading fast, and I was curious what he had up his sleeve.
The parking lot seemed enormous as I walked alongside him to his car. I knew he had a different car than what he used to have, but I wasn’t sure what he was driving now. As we walked towards the back of the lot, I soon figured out which vehicle was his. His selection of car didn’t surprise me one bit.
Sitting there, sleek from a fresh coat of wax, was a newer black Mustang. In the fading sunlight, the body of the car still gleamed, and it was quite the spectacle to see.
He’d recently taken an interest in working on modifications for his car. I already loved the way it looked, and I was eager to see what he would change on it next. Growing up in a car family, I always could appreciate a nice car, especially American muscle. I was the girl who would swoon over a car long before its driver.
In Devin’s case, I swooned over both.
“Wow, pretty awesome car you have here, Devin!”
“Thanks. It’s my baby. I have so much more I want to do with it, but I haven’t had the time,” he replied.
“Hop on in,” he said as he motioned for me to get in the car.
The interior of the car was spotless. I could tell he took a great deal of pride in the car and that it brought him great joy. And I loved that it made him happy.
With one hand on the wheel, and the other on the gearshift, he guided us through the urban landscape. After the first few turns, I was lost, but being lost with him seemed like the best kind of lost to be. I admired the view from my seat as we cruised along.
The windows were down, and my hair flew around in the wind as he drove. I never usually liked having messy hair, but tonight I loved having the wind at my face. I felt so alive as we zipped down the city streets. There was just something about the feeling of the fresh air while driving and cruising along with no care.
As we continued to drive, we journeyed through one of the older districts of town. I was in awe of the picturesque architecture and the character of the homes lining both sides of the street. They were an eclectic mix of Victorian and more modern styles, and I admired how distinct and different each home was. It was a refreshing departure from the more modern, cookie-cutter homes that all looked the same.
We did a few laps before cutting through the heart of downtown again. As we passed the buildings, our reflection stared back at us, and I loved the way we looked. It was picture perfect, and exactly how I wanted it to be.
Devin must have read my mind because he caught me staring at the mirror image of us while we were sitting at the light at Third Street.
“You know, I love seeing the reflection of my baby in the windows as I drive,” he said, flashing his sexy smile.
Feeling bold, I bantered with him.
“Which one of us?”
“Both,” he said laughingly.
I loved when I could make him laugh. Making him laugh meant he’d let his guard down, and I wanted to take advantage of that every chance I could get.
I wanted him to be free and open with me, and share his thoughts, and even be silly with me. I wanted him to let me in.
He turned on some old music, playing it from his phone through the car, and it sent us on a voyage back in time. It was a pleasurable escape, to simpler times, when our worries were less, and the obstacles we faced were smaller.
The night sky descended over the city, and the breeze turned cooler. Devin noticed I was getting cold, and he reached back behind my seat to grab his jacket. As he handed it to me, our fingers brushed, and it sent a spark once more through my body.
My thoughts flashed back to the weekend prior. I wondered if we would have time to talk about it, but I was leery of bringing it up again, at least not here. Not now. I didn’t want to ruin the moment.
“Want to come up with me and have a drink when we get back?”
Now is my chance to talk to him about all this, I thought.
“Sure,” I said.
♥⍣♥
The ride in the elevator was just as dizzying as last time, and as I stepped out, my dizziness and awkward feet got the better of me as my sandal caught on one of the floor tiles.
“You’re still as clumsy as ever, aren’t you?” Devin asked playfully as his hand gripped my arm to keep me upright.
“I guess so,” I said as I blushed.
I was a walking disaster most days, so I was glad he was there to catch me.
“Well, I certainly wasn’t going to just let you fall,” he said through a hypnotic grin.
His smile threatened to unleash the inner desire I fought hard to control. As the door opened, the faint scent of a musky candle lingered in the air. It was such a heavenly smell. God, why did everything with him have to be so agonizingly perfect?
I sat down on the
couch and watched as he poured a glass of wine for each of us.
“You know,” I said, “if I have a glass of this, I will probably end up being more clumsy as the night goes on.”
Devin laughed.
“I guess it’s a good thing we’re staying in for the evening, then,” he said, as he sat the glasses down on the coffee table.
I took a large swig to ease my anxiety before setting it back down and letting the honesty flow.
“You know, I’ve really missed you. I’ve missed spending time together.”
“I’ve missed you, too.”
He raised the glass to his lips, and as he did, I felt my mouth water. I was envious of that glass, wishing his lips were on me instead. I was dying for his kiss.
I decided to be daring, and as he sat there, I sprawled myself down on the couch, putting my head in his lap as I wistfully looked up into his dreamy eyes.
“Do you ever think about how things would have been if you never had moved?” I asked.
“Of course, I have. I’ve missed everything about you,” he said as he ran his fingers through my hair.
Devin pulled me up, so we were face to face.
“You’re dying to tell me something aren’t you? You have that look on your face,” he said.
“I have many things I want to say, Devin, but I wouldn’t know where to begin.”
“You can tell me anything.”
I didn’t say a word as I stole a kiss from him. That was a statement enough.
His carnal groan in response had me trembling as his lips seized hold of mine. For a few minutes, we were free again in our expressions to each other.
“I love you,” I said, grazing his lips with mine as I mouthed the words.
“I love you, too,” he said as he pulled his lips away.
My expression went cross. I hated when he pulled away from me.
“Is something I wrong?” I asked.
“No, nothing’s wrong.”
“Then why are you acting this way, damn it? If I’m what you want, then have me. For God’s sake, let yourself be free,” I pleaded.
“Believe me, Natalie, I want to. But you know it’s not that easy. You a lot you need to sort out first.
“How is it not that easy? Once James is out of the picture, you and I can start over again.”
“Is that really what you want, Natalie? Because I hope it is. I hope you’re not just telling me this because he cheated, and you’re looking for someone to comfort you.”
“You are what I really want! I never stopped loving you, Devin. I tried to move on. Believe me, I tried. But nothing’s ever been the same. It will never be the same. I will never forget the way you made me feel. And I’m sorry, but I can’t picture a future without you.”
“Look, I’m sorry. I know I hurt you, and—”
“You’re damn right you hurt me! You hurt me by not being there for me when I needed you. I wanted to keep our relationship going, and you didn’t fight for us. Do you know how many fucking nights I sat there crying, almost not being able to breathe? How many times I felt like every part of my heart was shattering to pieces? No, you don’t. You were too busy not giving a shit. You destroyed me.”
My rage got the better of me, and a surge of energy raced down to my hand. I smacked his face as hard as I could.
It stunned him, and it satisfied me to know it did. I wanted him to understand the pain I felt; the pain I’d been afraid of facing for so long.
He sat there frozen, like he couldn’t believe I could behave like that. It shouldn't have surprised him. He always brought out both the best and worst in me.
“I need to leave,” I said abruptly, slamming the door behind me.
When I entered the hallway, a shrill older woman glared at me.
“What are you looking at? Why don’t you mind own goddamn business? You don’t know what I’m going through!” I growled.
She stared at me as though I’d completely lost my mind. I had, and I didn’t fault her for looking at me like I was insane.
I was.
CHAPTER 12
_______
When I finally arrived at my car, I was exhausted from my rage. His adoration always pulled me in, and made me nostalgic for what we once had. In a way, he was the forbidden fruit I couldn’t stop myself from tasting.
I quickly buckled my seatbelt, flooring the gas pedal as I put the car in reverse. I wanted to get the hell out of there and put as much space between us as possible. I couldn’t stand the thought of him. But most of all, I hated that I couldn’t stand leaving him behind.
The tears steadily streamed down my face, and I didn’t care who saw. I didn’t give a shit what they thought because they didn’t live in my head. I did.
They wouldn’t understand the pain I was in. I’d hit rock bottom, and if I could rebound again this time, it would be a complete miracle.
The rush of the scenery passing by me became blurrier the faster I drove. My adrenaline continued to climb to an all-time high, and as I lost control, it was beyond exhilarating.
The anger set my blood on fire as it surged through my body, and as I looked down the speedometer, I noticed I was going almost twenty miles over the speed limit.
But I didn’t slow down. Instead, I sped even faster. The thought of getting pulled over wasn’t enough to slow me down.
I heard the text tone on my phone, and as I glanced down, I saw it was Devin. I wondered what he wanted. I wasn't expecting to hear from him so soon.
Please come back. I want to talk.
I wondered if I went back if it would be worth talking to him. I felt like I’d already said enough. He didn’t show the remorse I’d wanted to see earlier. Then again, I didn’t give him much of a chance, either.
I kept flying along the streets as though nothing would stop me. Hastily, I typed back to Devin, but as I reached the intersection at Fifth Street, my wild ride came to a screeching halt.
In the time I took to look down at my phone, I blew through the stoplight.
Though I remembered the initial impact of the van slamming into my car, everything that happened after that was such a blur.
My vehicle finally came to a stop after the initial impact sent me careening into a fire hydrant. Water rocketed up into the air with brutal force, sending tidal waves of water all over. I sat there stiff and motionless in my seat as my face rested in the billowed airbag.
Slowly I lifted my head up, and I realized the wetness on my face was not from the water from the fire hydrant, but my blood. A gash on my forehead sent the blood running down my face, and into the corner of my mouth. Though I tried not to taste it, the familiar metallic tang sent a flood of nausea over me.
Thousands upon thousands of glass shards were scattered on the floor and in my seat, and I gasped in horror as I raised my head and found that the windshield was gone.
I glanced down and noticed I was bleeding in more places than just my face. Lacerations lined both my arms and legs, and the sight made me squeamish. I had a low tolerance for seeing gore of any kind even if it was my own.
The ringing in my ears and the pounding in my head was enough to drive anyone insane. In my state of dismay, I heard sirens off in the distance, and I thought I was hallucinating them at first. Please be for me, I thought. My eyes felt heavy and as I waited for help to arrive, I felt myself slipping away. The painful throbbing in my head made my stomach churn in agony, and I wondered if I would be ill.
The sirens drew closer, and minutes later, help arrived.
I felt more at ease. I had not dared move in the vehicle or try to get out, for fear or hurting myself even more. It was a relief to be freed from the mangled prison of my car. I cringed at the thought of what my car looked like. Considering how horrible the inside looked, I assumed the outside would be just as bad, if not worse.
My mind drifted to the other driver, and I prayed that they were ok. I couldn’t bear the thought of
that person, or their passengers, being hurt; all over something stupid I did. This is Devin’s fault, I thought. Why did he have to push me to this? It was the last thought I had before everything went black.
♥⍣♥
When I woke, Devin had pulled up a chair and was next to me as I rested in bed.
I had to be dreaming, I thought. The bright white lights of the hospital room made my head throb again as I opened my eyes, and my vision was hazy as I looked at Devin. The haze from the lights made him look like an angel as he sat in the chair. I wondered if perhaps I were in fact dead because there wasn’t any reason he would be there; not after how I’d acted.
His voice broke my reverie, and I realized I wasn’t dreaming. He really was there.
“I know you’re extremely upset with me right now, but I had to make sure you were ok.”
“How did you find me?” I asked, as I squinted at him.
I was still feeling groggy from the pain medication.
“I just left the apartment to go for a drive, and I came upon the wreck while I was out. I saw your car, and then I saw them wheeling you into the ambulance. I had to get here to see you.”
“You didn’t need to come here,” as I rolled onto my side and covered my face.
I didn’t want him to see me like this. I didn’t want him to see my pain, especially in this raw, unmasked state.
“Look at me,” Devin said, reaching over and soothingly caressing my hair. His touch was so gentle, and it brought me to tears.
The look in his eyes was gentle and soft, but I could see what I'd done had devastated him.
“I’m so glad you’re alive. I know you’re angry, but you don’t know how worried I was.”
“Well, it’s your fault I was driving so fast,” I mumbled through my tears.
“Jesus, don’t say that, Natalie. Why would do this?”
He ran his hands through his hair, making it a mess, and though I was angry with him, I couldn’t help but admire how sexy his hair was when it was a mess like that.
Sweetest Release Page 8
