Ten minutes passed, and it was time for me to take off the mask. The irony of wearing a mask right now couldn’t have been any stronger. I gave James hell for what he did, and yet here I was, living a lie. I was preaching virtues, yet I had sinned too. We could not undo the wrongs we committed, and now it was time to pick up the pieces.
I knew I needed a shower, not only to get clean but also to wash away the debauchery of the night before. As the hot water ran down my chest, it touched the places Devin had kissed me, and my thoughts drifted back to our steamy affair.
Despite my best efforts to keep my mind occupied, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He consumed every breath I took and every thought I had. He was the first thing I thought of in the morning when I woke, and the last thoughts I had before I went to sleep. He was addictive in every sense of the word.
I knew I shouldn’t be thinking about him, but I did anyway. He was an irresistible force that would haunt me forever, it seemed.
Nothing could change the past but if I could do anything at all to affect our future, now was the time.
The morning drug on as I got ready for the day. When I finished, I collapsed in a heap on the bed, clutching one of the decorative throw pillows. I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs. I was living in a literal hell, feeling trapped, and it felt like there was no way out. There were no easy answers.
Exasperated, I turned on the television, grasping for something, anything would try to take my mind off of all that was going on. Mindless morning news, and re-runs of boring sitcoms were all that were broadcasting over the airwaves at this time of day.
I finally settled on a show I could somewhat stomach, but even that couldn’t help me escape from reality, and I was flustered. Everything reminded me of him, and I couldn’t escape the hold he had over me.
Around noon, I’d had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. I reached for my phone and typed out a lengthy message to Devin. I sat there for a minute or two, the text still up on my screen as I debated whether to send it. I decided it was too long, so I tried to condense the message down and briefly sum up what I wanted to say. With only twenty-six letters in the alphabet, it was never easy to sum up and entire ocean’s worth of emotions.
I just want to say that I had a really nice time last night, and I don’t want you to beat yourself up over what happened. I always enjoy spending time with you. I miss you already.
I hit send. I had a terrible feeling that I would regret sending that text, but I’d deal with it later.
He needed to know how I felt.
The minutes turned into hours, and not a single text from him appeared. I was getting agitated and almost shut my phone off, just to keep from constantly checking it, but left it on instead.
It was late afternoon when I heard the roar of the motorcycle engine coming up from the driveway. James was back. Maybe I should just leave, I thought. I couldn’t stomach the thought of being around him especially considering my behavior last night, and the filthy secret I was hiding.
I started down the hallway as James stumbled his way into the backdoor. It was a wonder he even made it home. He was plastered. Too plastered for mid-afternoon, that was for sure.
“Natalie, I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, but what exactly are you sorry for? I mean, I’ve lost count considering how long the list is.”
“Everything. So Nathan, Josh, and I were out drinking last night, and, well, let’s just say that I can’t drink like I used to.”
“Gee, imagine that,” I sneered. “You’re getting a little old for this shit, don’t you think?”
“I know.”
James propped himself up against the kitchen countertop. Had it not been for the countertop, he wouldn’t have been able to stay upright.
“Anything else that you’d like to apologize for?”
“There’s probably a lot,” he said as his voice trailed off.
“Well, you can start apologizing at any time.”
“I need to go sit down,” he said breathlessly, as though he’d just run a marathon. Of course, he would avoid me, I thought.
I knew he didn’t feel well. But that changed nothing that was going on. No matter how long we put it off, we needed to discuss our future, and where we would go from here.
“Can you get me a water please?”
His eyes looked distant, and glassy.
I returned to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. It was the least I could do considering I was in bed with another man last night.
I handed him the glass, and with shaky hands, he grabbed at it; the condensation making it slippery for him to hold in his weakened state.
“Thank you,” he mumbled.
I nodded again, not able to bring myself to speak.
“Listen, I--”
I cut him off. I didn’t want his sob stories anymore. I just wanted him to leave.
“No, you gotta hear me out.” He trailed off again.
“What is there to say at this point? You can’t change what you did,” I said with a sharp tone.
He looked defeated. I knew he wanted me to feel sorry for him, but I couldn’t muster it. I was shouldering the weight of an emotional overload, but I wasn’t sure how much longer I would stand it.
The text tone of my phone interrupted the solemnness of the moment. I tried to temper my expression as best I could, but it was hard. Every time Devin would text me, my smile revealed my true self. Having nothing left to say to James, I left the room and retreated to my study.
Devin’s message quickly made my smile fade. He was still distraught over our evening together and how it got out of hand so quickly.
I’m sorry, but I can’t help but feel terrible. Your vulnerability shouldn’t have been used for my gain.
Vulnerability? I almost felt insulted. Almost. But deep down, I knew he was right. I was very vulnerable right now, and it was all too easy to get caught up in my feverish desires.
I wasn’t sure how to respond. I didn’t want him to feel remorseful at all, but I also knew what we did wasn’t right.
Before I could even think up a proper response, James appeared at the doorway, leaning against the doorframe to hold himself up.
“I know you just want me to leave.”
His statement astonished me. He knew I was unhappy, and that was certainly no secret. But I never actually told him I wanted him to leave. Still, it was a step in the right direction and undoubtedly the best decision for both of us.
“I do. Right now I think it’s best to put some distance between us.”
“Yeah, I need to figure out what I wanna do,” James said.
He wasn’t wrong. We both needed to figure out what we wanted to do, and decisions needed to be made.
“I’m heading over to Nathan’s in a few minutes. I’m trying to convince him to let me crash over at his place for a bit.”
“Well, hopefully he can,” I said.
I was careful to not come across as over-zealous and make it too obvious that this was exactly what I wanted.
“If he can’t, I might have to say here for a little while longer,” James said, with a hint of hopefulness in his voice.
There was no way I could continue living like this. I couldn’t hide my feelings any longer. I was on the verge of exploding.
“I’m sorry, but that’s not really an option. I need space, and I need time to think. You’re not the only one with a lot of shit to deal with right now, you know.”
It came off a little harsher than I’d expected, but I made no apology. He stood there and stared at me blankly, as though he was hoping I would follow that up with something less ill mannered, but that wasn't going to happen.
“Well, I don’t exactly have a backup plan right now, Natalie,” he snapped.
“Figure one out then,” I said as he walked away.
For the moment, he was out of my hair. I retreated to our room, and turned on the television.
Perhaps now, since it was later in the day, something decent would be on. I soon realized that there still wasn’t anything interesting to watch.
I reached over and flipped open my laptop to comb through my emails, which I hadn’t checked all day. My inbox was filled with the usual slew of ads, and with the press of a single button, I made them disappear.
It was funny how on a computer erasing mistakes and deleting anything unwanted was so simple. If only the outside world was the same.
In the distance, I could hear James out in the living room snoring, and it was only a few minutes after eight o’clock. Clearly, he wasn’t going over to Nathan’s tonight like I had hoped.
I sat in silence wondering when everything would end, and if I would ever be at peace.
And before I knew it, I myself was asleep.
CHAPTER 10
_______
Waking up the next morning was a bitch. Mondays were never fun, but the thought of facing another long, miserable week prevented me from getting out of bed. And considering what the previous week was like, who could blame me? It was easily one of the worst weeks I’d had since I’d taken the job.
Coupled with my drama from the weekend, I knew the day was shaping up to be lousy before it even began.
Work proved to be a real challenge. I couldn't focus on doing anything productive. All I could focus on the evening I spent with Devin, and my fool of a husband.
Mary broke my trance as she popped into my office.
"Natalie, are you done proofing the three chapters Jack sent over last week? He needs those by the end of the day today."
I froze. Amid all that was going on in my life, I completely forgot about going over his work. He would be so upset.
I felt terrible. Jack was such an awesome client, and I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten about him like this. I felt like a complete ass.
Not wanting to admit to her that I’d failed to complete my assigned task, I lied. It was something I was becoming a little too good at as of late.
“I’m just finishing up, and then I’ll send it over to him pronto, Mary,” I said with a smile.
Thankfully, my lie was enough to suffice her, because she smiled, then left my office. I hated to do that to her, but I didn’t want to disappoint her, either.
Now I had to deliver on that promise. Oh, what a treat that would be, I thought. I had no choice but to put my head down and work like crazy the next several hours to make the deadline. I turned on my favorite classical music playlist to help me focus.
To my surprise, I read through Jack’s work, got it proofed, and sent back to him before the deadline, all with twenty minutes to spare. It took the entire workday to do it, but somehow I accomplished it, and I was proud of myself. It was nice to feel like I was doing something right for a change. Lately, I couldn’t do anything right to save my life.
When work was over, I took a short trip back to my hometown to visit my old friend Ruth Silverstone.
Ruth was an elderly woman in her early nineties whom I’d met around the time Devin and I first dated. She ran a local antique shop that her parents had originally started, called Bergmann’s Trove, which had been in business since the early 1940’s.
She had been a widow for nearly a decade now, but despite missing her husband terribly, she never let the loss weigh her down. Ruth was strong and independent, and I admired her fighting spirit. If I was ever lucky enough to reach her age, I hoped I could be a woman like her.
As I pulled into the parking lot of the shop, I noticed nothing had changed at all. It was like a scene frozen in time. The building was still run-down, and it clung to the nostalgia of a time long ago.
As I opened the door, the bells that were hanging on it clinked and rang out. When I walked in, I realized nothing on the inside had changed, either. Ruth peered out from behind the jewelry counter up front, and I could tell me the look on her face it overjoyed her to see me.
“Natalie!” she exclaimed.
She shuffled hurriedly from behind the desk, and with open arms she pulled me into a giant bear hug.
“Oh honey, I am so glad to see you! I’ve missed you, dear. Where have you been? You haven’t stopped by in ages! Oh, I bet it’s been years now. Good lord, how time flies!”
She was overbearing at times with her affection, but it was in the kindest of ways, so it didn’t bother me.
“It’s so good to see you too, Ruth! I know I need to stop by more often. I’ve just been so busy with work.”
“So what brings you here, dear? Just to visit?”
“That… and I kind of need some advice right now,” I said sheepishly.
I didn’t have to say a word. She already knew.
“You’re talking to Devin again, aren’t you?”
How the hell did she know that? Damn, she was good, I thought.
“Yes. Well, sort of. We’re in a weird place right now, honestly.”
“You know, I always thought you made a wonderful little couple. Maybe you two need to talk things over, and then you can get back together.”
“Yeah, that’s kind of the problem, Ruth. We’re talking, but I’m actually married now.”
“Oh, well that really changes things, then, doesn’t it?”
“Yes. Yes, it does,” I said.
Not a soul was in the store, so I had Ruth’s undivided attention. We stood there for at least an hour as I went over every detail of what had occurred until this point. Undoubtedly, it was a lot to take in, and a lot more to process.
“You know, you glow when you talk about Devin. But that glowing smile fades whenever you speak of James. That look in your eyes just isn’t the same.”
“I guess I just can’t help it,” I said.
Ruth started the process of closing the shop for the day while we kept chatting. I always enjoyed talking to her, and it was nice to vent to someone outside of my current situation. As we left the shop together, Ruth offered me her final thoughts.
“Natalie, you know what you need to do. You lost Devin once before, and if you think there is even the slightest little glimmer of hope, you need to grab ahold of that, and hang on tight. Fight for him. I’m a firm believer that you only ever have but one true love. That’s how it was for Frank and I.”
She was right. I couldn’t do this all over again. It was now or never.
CHAPTER 11
_______
Several days passed, and my texts and calls went unanswered. Part of me wanted to get in my car and drive down there just to talk, but I knew it would only make matters worse, and he wouldn’t be too pleased if I arrived unannounced. He’d made it crystal clear that he needed his space, and wanted time to think.
Ruth’s words echoed in my mind, and I wondered if I made the right choice. What if he didn’t want me to fight for him? Maybe he’d had second thoughts.
I had no regrets over that evening. It ate me alive knowing he didn’t want to speak to me, and I hated going around in circles with him. Though I was fairly certain he wasn’t doing it intentionally, he had a knack for twisting me into knots.
A single text from him would leave me elated for hours. Just seeing his name pop up on my phone would put me in a better mood.
It was an addiction. Knowing I crossed his mind always made me happy, and I couldn’t help but smile.
One look into his eyes would have me craving him for days. I craved his soul, his touch, everything. It was so dangerously easy to fall for him, and everything about him was so inviting.
Perhaps the most dangerous part of all was that I couldn’t control it. And neither could he. With us, we only functioned at two speeds: gas pedal to the floor, or at a dead stop. There was no in between.
Now we were in one of those ‘dead stop’ moments, and I wondered how long it would last. I was fairly certain he would bounce back, but I didn’t know when. It took everything I had to reach out to him. I knew if I pushed, he would push back, and right now, los
ing him was the last thing I needed. I had to stay patient, but patience was never my strong suit.
Finally, on Sunday, that familiar text tone went off on my phone. I had just arrived back home from spending the day with Trina, helping her stock up on some business wardrobe essentials for her new job.
It was nice to get out of the house. Everything had been so tense as of late, and it was a relief to have an escape if only for a little while.
My face lit up like the Fourth of July when I realized it was Devin, and my smile increased tenfold when I read what he wrote.
Hey, are you free later?
I was so relieved he even wanted to see me at all. With that one text, the roller coaster ride of my emotions started up again. So irrational how a simple, silly text could make me this thrilled. Yet, it did. Without even a second thought, I typed back.
Absolutely. What did you have in mind?
I wondered what had prompted him to text me. Most likely weekend loneliness, I thought. Who really knew? He was always so unpredictable, and making a definitive decision about anything was a challenge. It was one of the many reasons loving him was equally difficult and unnerving.
He told me wasn’t sure yet what he wanted to do. I knew no matter what we did, I would enjoy it, simply because we would be together.
Text me and let me know when you’re ready for me to come over. :)
As I hit the send button, I regretted adding the emoji to the end of my text. I hoped it wouldn’t come across too flirty or desperate.
I headed to the bedroom to grab a change of clothes. I wasn’t sure how soon Devin would want to meet up, and I wanted to be ready to leave as soon as he was ready for me to come over. After last week’s saga, I didn’t want to wear anything that would remotely pull toward sensual. Low-key was where I needed to be.
After finally settling on an outfit, I sat down on the bed, gazing at the clouds in the sky off to the west. The sun did not officially set for a few more hours, but the sky still had a beautiful glow. I got lost in the sky’s beauty, and for a while my mind drifted. I had nothing but time, and to be alone with my thoughts.
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