His words were so poetic and beautiful. I broke out into my biggest grin, my cheeks flushed all the while. I couldn’t even speak a word, for he caught me by such sweet surprise. He could always lift me up out of a dark place with his words.
He hastily removed his shirt, revealing scorpion tattoo on his chest I had designed for him so long ago. I guess I had made my mark on him in more ways than one.
I thought about that tattoo often. I wondered if every day when he looked at it in the mirror it reminded him of me. It was a permanent reminder of how I would always be there. He could never escape me, and I could never escape him, and that’s exactly how I wanted it to be. We were forever symbiotic souls.
I wondered if anyone ever asked him about it. And if they did, what would he say? Would he mention me at all?
I ran my fingers across the design, and I couldn’t help but notice how soft his skin was. I didn’t remember it always being so soft. But, for the most part, I felt like I could remember every detail about him and about his body. He felt more muscular than before, and it made my mouth water with desire.
As I touched his skin, his dark brown eyes stared back at me, though he did not say a word. We didn’t have to say anything. Where our words failed, each touch explained how we felt.
I unbuttoned the top button of my jeans. With his hands on my hips, I felt him grip firmly at the tops of my jeans, pulling them off all in one swift motion. They landed on the floor somewhere, and in that moment I could’ve cared less.
All that remained on me were my lace panties; the design in the thread work just sparse enough to see my bare skin peeking out from underneath. He gazed at my body longingly as though he was a man on a deserted island who was finally going to quench his thirst.
I reached to grab at his jeans, but he had already beaten me to it, and was already unbuttoning the top button. Feeling just a little hasty, I brushed his hand out of the way, and pulled down the zipper. I finally got to him, for he seemed taken a bit by surprise. Good, I thought. He normally was so calm, and collected, so it was nice to see that I could finally throw him off his guard for a change. He preferred to be the one in control all the time, and for the most part, I was content with that.
But not tonight. I would not be coy about what I wanted tonight. It was time for me to be in control of the game. I was feeling too emboldened to let him take over. Finally, he finished pulling off his jeans.
Our undergarments were the only fabric remaining that separated our skin from touching. He leaned down and kissed my neck, and oh, how I loved that! He knew it drove me insane, and I couldn’t help but let out an audible groan out of sheer pleasure.
I ran my fingers through his perfectly styled ravenous hair. I was fairly certain he wouldn’t care if it became tousled, at least not tonight.
I slid my hands from his hair to his back, lightly digging my nails into his fair skin. He needed to suffer a little bit, after all, for leaving me the way he did, even if it was only a small taste of the pain he had put me through.
His kisses moved from my neck, down to my breasts. I felt his tongue leaving a trail of kisses around them, then in between. Even though my entire body was already feeling heated, his tongue felt hot against my skin. His tongue endlessly swirled around them, until I reached my personal boiling point—not out of anger, but out of the agony of such a strong desire.
“Take me already,” I whispered, my voice raspy.
He raised his index finger to my lips.
“Not just yet,” he said through that sinister grin of his.
He knew it tormented me. And he thoroughly enjoyed it. I guess he really had the upper hand after all.
“You know, I prefer to jump in with both feet, Devin,” I said, as I cupped his chin in my hand, forcing him to keep his gaze on me.
A hint of a smile remained on my face even after I said it, but I tried to play it cool. I wasn’t about to let him think he was in control.
“Yes, I know, but I’m making you wait. You need to learn patience and take things slower.”
His tone was authoritative, but I was caught up in the moment and didn't care. Then a little hint of that familiar grin appeared on his face once more. His fingers lightly traced the top of my panties, then my hipbones. My eyes lit up once again, and the feel of his touch sent me spiraling into a free-fall of desire.
In one smooth motion, he set me free, leaving me exposed and waiting. My walls shattered completely, and I waited for him to make his next move.
His boxer briefs were the last bit of clothing in the way between us. I didn’t even hesitate. My hands gravitated towards the waistband, and the final phase in my saga of waiting was over.
I felt the weight of his body on top of me and it was the liberation I had been waiting for. He filled me, consumed me, and completed me all in one. It was the sweetest release I’d ever had.
I missed doing this. I missed the feeling of losing complete control, and the feeling of our souls becoming one. And for this one moment in time, I felt like everything broken inside me was whole again.
I never wanted tonight to end.
CHAPTER 8
_______
Lying there breathless, we held each other in an embrace as though we were glued together. I really didn’t want to get up even though I knew I needed to. I desperately wanted to stay in his arms forever.
I felt so relaxed. It was the release we both needed. I closed my eyes, trying to take in everything, and memorize every glorious detail of this evening.
To my surprise, I felt him lean down and kiss my cheek. It was almost heartbreaking; it was so tender and sweet. I finally opened my eyes, and my gaze met his. But what I saw terrified me.
The look on his face was the most melancholy expression I had ever seen. He was almost shaking, and his eyes looked so sullen and sorrowful.
“I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have done this.”
His beautiful brown eyes were misty, and in that moment, he seemed so far away from me, even we were lying beside each other.
I’ll admit we probably rushed everything too fast. But I regretted nothing. And I didn’t want him to feel guilty.
“I wouldn’t change a thing about this evening,” I said, and then I kissed his cheek.
He looked so woeful. I wanted to take away his pain, but I didn't know how. He stared down at the bed, avoiding my gaze, his thick, dark eyelashes hiding the pain in his eyes from me.
I knew the pain was still there, and I wondered what had changed. How did we go from expressing unbridled passion, to this? My eyes filled with tears. I wasn’t sure if I could hold them back.
I couldn’t believe it. So much time had passed, and he still possessed the power to build me up or destroy me. I wished I could exercise more control over my emotions and myself than what I did.
In a haste, I got up to collect a few of my makeup items from my purse, and rushed off to the bathroom, not wanting him to see me feeling this way. I wasn’t ready yet to show him how much this hurt me. As soon I closed the door, the tears finally came.
The bathroom was a mess. His clothes were strewn about on the floor, the floor needed mopped, and the sink needed a good scrubbing. I was never a huge fan of cleaning, but in that moment, I wanted to clean it all up. He needed a woman’s touch so desperately in his life. He needed me.
As the thought entered my head, the tears appeared even more.
I wanted to be there when he came home from work, and make sure he had wonderfully made, warm meal. I wanted to make our home spotless and make it the most comfortable and inviting place on earth for him. I wanted to be there to listen to him talk about his day, and even his hopes, and his dreams. I wanted to lie there on the couch with him as we watched the sun lower in the sky each night. I wanted to do so much, and experience so much, but I couldn’t. He had pushed me away, and heaven only knew why.
When I emerged from the bathroom, he'd put his clothes back on, and was sitting
at the bar downing another glass of wine. He felt ashamed. He didn’t have to say a word, but I knew.
I walked over quietly to him and rubbed his back. He was so tense. I wanted so badly to take his pain away. I expected he would say something, but he didn’t. He sat there in silence while I tried to comfort him. I kissed his cheek again, wishing like hell I could bring that handsome smile back to his face. But I knew it was a lost cause.
He continued to sit in a state of trance and refused to speak. I needed to think of something to break the deafening silence. My mind, however, was blank.
Things were so uncomfortable that I knew I needed to leave. There wasn’t any point in staying.
“I probably should get going,” I said.
“Yes, it’s getting late, Natalie. You probably should,” Devin replied flatly.
His words were abrasive to my ears. My mind raced with a thousand different things I wanted to say, but I knew it was probably best if I didn’t. I needed to keep my mouth shut.
I gathered my purse and my jacket, and we headed out. As the door shut behind me, I wondered if this would be the last time I would be there. I could feel the tears returning to my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I tried to find something else to focus on.
An older man walked down the hallway toward us. He looked up at both of us and smiled. I couldn’t bring myself to look over to see if Devin smiled back at him. His face was too agonizing for me to even look at.
I wanted to be polite and return the man’s smile, but the muscles in my face wouldn’t move. I was on autopilot. Everything around me moved in slow motion, and my awareness of my throbbing heartbeat was greater than ever. With each beat, my chest felt heavier and heavier.
Every step I took, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to flop into a heap on the floor while at the same time, I knew I needed to get out of the building. I couldn't stand being there anymore.
We finally reached the elevator, and I could only uncomfortably stare at the door. The awkward silence nagged at me, and the elevator took even longer than usual to arrive. From the corner of my eye, I could see Devin glance over at me, but I couldn’t even bear to look over at him.
We shifted into the elevator as a jubilant young couple left. They seemed so happy. So normal. Why couldn’t we have that? Why did everything have to be so damn complicated? I wanted to scream. I couldn’t stand being this close to him, yet feeling like we were a million miles away. It felt like we were on two entirely different planes.
Every floor we passed made my heart break a little more. This wasn’t the ending to the evening I had hoped for.
“Let me walk you to your car,” he said, his voice soft in the stillness of the lobby.
“You don’t--”
“I insist,” Devin interrupted.
He reached out and grabbed my hand. I was genuinely stunned that he wanted to hold my hand, given how he had just reacted.
It was a simple gesture, but it made my heart swell. Maybe there truly was hope after all. I never wanted to let go. I wanted to walk to the ends of the earth with my hand in his.
Our hands separated long enough for him to hold the door open for me, and then he reached once more to take my hand. My hand felt so at home in his. As the glass door of the lobby opened, the warmth of the outside air greeted me with such sweet sorrow. The night could’ve been perfect. But it wasn’t.
I fumbled for my keys awkwardly as we reached my car. Part of me couldn’t leave fast enough, but the other part of me couldn’t stomach the thought of leaving him. I hoped it wouldn’t be the last time I would see him. I wanted to say something, but my vocal cords felt frozen.
“Did you have a nice time this evening, Natalie?”
His question baffled me. I didn’t know what to say. But before I could even reply, he took me into his embrace.
In the calm of the evening, I clung to him like a child would cling to a teddy bear. I never wanted to let go.
I felt his hand caress my back, and I fought with all my might to hold back the tears. He withdrew from the embrace to take his hand and guide my chin upward so I could face him.
Without saying a word, he bent down and kissed me. His soft, sweet lips sent me into the throes of desire once more. My entire world was spinning again, but just as quickly as it came, it ended.
Greedily, I pulled him back into my embrace. My refusal to let him go was selfish, but I didn’t care.
“I want to see you again,” I said, my eyes glassy and on the verge of tears.
“You will,” Devin replied.
I felt him kiss the top of my head. It was such an innocent act, yet it filled me with so much longing. I finally released my embrace of him though it felt like the hardest thing in the world to do.
“Good night, love,” he whispered.
I opened the car door, and plopped into my seat, sitting there for several moments while I tried to process everything that had occurred this evening. Everything was such a mess. As the engine came to life, I felt the tears run down my cheeks.
Nothing had changed it seemed. We were still the tumultuous, emotionally driven people we always were. One minute we were riding an all-time high together, and we felt like we could take on the world. The next, we would crash down to an abysmal low; and then the cycle would continue over and over. It would never end.
I wondered how I had gotten to this place. He had told me so long ago that nothing gold could ever stay. And, he was right.
I felt like all I did was chase the highs and fight like hell through the lows. And normally, that sustained me enough. I wanted to try again because I thought this love was worth fighting for.
But this time, it felt different. I felt like I was losing him all over again. And I wasn’t sure I could find the strength to recover this time.
The drive home was bittersweet. I had a lovely time that evening until he’d had his epic meltdown. It was hard to hold onto hope that everything would work out in the end, but I knew I needed to try.
As I drove home, I realized how quiet this time of evening truly could be. The stoplights were flashing, rather than displaying their usual sequence or signals, and there were few cars on the road. All the businesses were closed for the evening, and the bustling would resume tomorrow.
It felt so rejuvenating to take a drive so late into the evening in the stillness of the night. I decided to take a longer route home so I could be out just a while longer.
I felt like a teenager out after curfew, and while the world slept, I was out exploring. The music from the car’s stereo filled the silence of the night, though I was wary of having the volume up too loud. The unseasonably warm spring air made for a perfect night outside once the temperature came down to a more comfortable degree, and as the wind kissed my face, I felt more at peace with what had transpired.
I had hoped that we could talk things through. We were in this together, and we needed to work through our emotions together. I hoped at some point, he would be ready to do that. I wanted him to get lost in me again. The magic needed to come back.
I arrived home just after one o’clock in the morning, and realized that James wasn’t in the house. Though I wondered where he was, it was a relief to be alone. It was better that way. I needed time to be alone to process my emotions.
I debated about texting Devin to let him know I was home, but I decided against it. I didn’t want to take the risk of waking him up if he was asleep, nor did I want to take the risk of upsetting him.
As I got ready for bed, the events of the evening flowed like waves in my mind. For the second time this evening, my lipstick was being smeared away, but this time for a much less decadent reason than earlier in the evening.
In those moments, I regretted nothing. I loved the look in his eyes before he placed his soft lips against mine. I loved the way he tasted and his gentle touch of his that made me melt like butter. He brought warmth to my soul, and I never wanted that warmth to go a
way.
I kept replaying the sequence of events over and over in my mind, and as I fell asleep, the last thing I remembered seeing was that magical grin on his face.
CHAPTER 9
_______
Out of habit, I woke up around six thirty, as I did every day morning. As my eyes opened, my mind flashed to Devin, and I immediately grabbed for my phone.
Not a single message was there, and my heart descended into darkness. Resisting the urge to send him a message, I threw the phone back down on the nightstand.
I refused to sit around and sulk all day over him, so I made the day into a day of pampering myself. I pulled my hair into a loose, messy bun, and grabbed one of my favorite deep cleansing facial masks, slathering it on like paint on a wall. Even if I didn’t feel that I was in a pleasant place emotionally, at least I could make my outside appearance a touch more radiant. I refused to let him drag me down into the abyss of wallowing and regret he was in.
With my mask on, I made the bed, and tidied up the room. As I looked around at all the furnishings, a pang of guilt hit me, forcing me back to the devastating reality I was facing. We had built this home and our love together, and now, by betraying each other, we were dismantling piece by piece all we had built. The regret finally hit home.
What had I done? James could never find out about this, I decided. It would destroy him, and he would never understand, nor forgive me for what I did.
He would never understand how much Devin still meant to me. Because despite feeling guilty, it didn’t change the fact I still loved Devin. He was would always have a part of my heart. Nothing would ever alter that.
Still, I felt foolish for feeling guilty; James was the one who kicked this entire situation off. If James had not been unfaithful, none of this would’ve happened.
Or would it have? Deep down, I wasn’t entirely sure. I kept vacillating between the two schools of thought. What I did to James didn’t even the score, but instead, it made me as much of a monster as he was. Now we both had our own crosses to bear.
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