Lament

by Stewart, Lynsey M.

  I know it’s you who wrote the letters. We’re over. Too many lies have led me to question the truth of us.

  Nat

  I stood up, my face tilting to the sky. A rush of pain slammed through my body when the words from the letter settled. Everything I’d feared, everything I foretold but tried to deny for the last few weeks was coming true in front of my eyes. I screwed up the paper in my hands, throwing the ball as far as I could on a deep shout of, ‘Fuck!’

  I pushed the postbox over, kicking it repeatedly through cries of anger. I pulled the fox, damp and cold from beside the tree and threw it into the forest. My chest was heaving, deep heavy pants wracked through me, creating a burn in my lungs and a shortness of breath I didn’t care about.

  Acting on adrenaline, I scaled the steps two at a time, wrapped my fingers around the wood of the fairy door and yanked it back. A small movement pleased me, enough to make me continue. My body bent over, I pulled harder, using my full weight to prize it from the bark. A welcome crunch, a splintered piece of wood curled away, revealing the bright creamy white centre, hidden away by the lumpy greens and browns. Another yank – my arms finding strength I didn’t know I had – finally pulled it clean away.

  I threw it to the side of me, knocking the metal pipes that had been fashioned as a chimney, and as I panted through my breaths, I heard a voice.

  ‘Alex, stop!’ Nat ran towards me, taking in the scene, the scale of damage. She put her hands on her head and looked at me in panic. ‘Don’t do this!’

  ‘It’s all a lie!’

  ‘Eli will be heartbroken,’ she said as she moved over to try to sort through the pile of destruction.

  ‘Eli needs me, not a make-believe fairy!’

  I watched her, broken and hurting as she wrapped her arms around herself on a deep shiver. The late summer evening had brought a chill and all I wanted to do was take her in my arms and wrap my warmth around her.

  ‘Is it true?’ she asked, her voice low, not really wanting to know the answer. ‘I need to hear it from you.’ I nodded and tried to retreat from what I knew was coming next by resting my forehead on the trunk of the tree. ‘It was you all along? You knew everything about me because of the letters?’

  ‘No,’ I replied, rocking my head against the bark. ‘I know you, Nat.’

  ‘I thought you understood me, but all along I was giving you everything you needed to know.’

  ‘I wanted to know more! I was hooked. I saw so much of what I wanted in you! How I wanted to be.’ She couldn’t look at me and that killed me. ‘You’re my idol. How you’ve handled yourself. You didn’t let loss consume you. You didn’t let grief win. Do you know how inspiring you are?’

  ‘You let me continue wondering who was behind this. You didn’t give me any hints. A small clue. Nothing!’

  ‘You were talking to me, Nat. Helping me see that there was more out there. That I could recover and be joyful again, live a life without the need for guilt. You were making me want to live again. I couldn’t give that up. I didn’t want to!’ I shouted.

  She closed her eyes. Her fingers reached for her mouth, but they were shaky and unsure. ‘You should have told me,’ she said, wiping her eyes quickly. I’d already seen her tears. Thought if I ignored them, they wouldn’t exist.

  ‘I wanted to. Came close too many times to count. The launch was coming up and I knew you’d find out. I knew it was coming, but, Christ, I couldn’t…I can’t lose you too!’ I turned back to the tree and thrust my fist clean against the bark. Blood seeped down my knuckles to my wrist as I held it up to look at the damage. A sharp gasp behind me brought me back to the reality of what I’d just done. She moved towards me, a look of horror on her face, taking small steps until she reached me.

  I threaded my arm around her waist, held the back of her neck with my bloodied fist, marking her with my blood as I pushed her against the tree and claimed her mouth with my own. A potent mixture of my blood and our lust mixing together to form something incredible.

  ‘Don’t wash this off,’ I rasped as I kissed her collarbone. She reached for me with two fingers and wiped the blood off my lips. ‘Leave me on your skin.’

  ‘I can’t keep this on me,’ she replied, clutching my hand. ‘The same as I can’t keep you.’

  ‘Don’t say that. Don’t you fucking say that!’

  ‘Why? Because it’s true?’ she asked, pushing my head back to her face as I tried to hide myself away in the arch of her neck. ‘How can I trust you? How can I trust that what we have is real or is more than just a distraction from your grief?’

  ‘No. No. That isn’t it,’ I replied. ‘Not at all.’

  ‘I can’t compete with a woman you still mourn for. A woman you idolise.’

  ‘I don’t expect you to compete,’ I replied, pushing her chin up with my hand. She met my stare. ‘You’re not Lisa.’

  ‘I know. That’s the problem, isn’t it?’ she whispered as she stepped down one step, turning her back on me and following the path.

  ‘Nat. Turn around.’ I followed her, watched the curve of her back that I loved so much. ‘Don’t walk away.’ I held on to her hand.

  ‘This is all for her isn’t it?’ She pulled away. ‘To honour the book?’

  ‘No,’ I replied. ‘It’s for Eli.’

  ‘I don’t even know when you’re telling the truth anymore,’ she said, continuing to walk.

  ‘Lisa was working on The Grieving Tree before she died. It was written for Eli when Lisa had…gone. To help her grieve. She didn’t want her to be screwed up because she lost her mum at an age when she would be too young to remember her. She wrote her letters, left her keepsakes, photo albums, even positivity cards for when she was a teenager and having a bad day.’ I ran in front of her. ‘She knew me, Nat. She knew I’d struggle with this. She wrote a fucking book predicting it!’

  ‘Did she tell you to set this up?’ She pointed to the tree lying in pieces behind us. ‘Did she leave instructions telling you to write letters as a…Grief Fairy? How did that happen? Please don’t tell me it was a clever marketing ploy to sell a few books.’

  Tell her the truth.

  I hesitated. Gave in.

  ‘It was my idea.’

  ‘Jesus,’ she huffed, holding her palm against her forehead.

  I pulled her into me. ‘I was finding it hard to talk to Eli. This made it easier. I was able to respond openly, like I was one step removed rather than a messed-up father who cried every time Lisa’s name was mentioned.’

  ‘You lied to me,’ she said, pushing me away.

  ‘No.’ I stepped closer.

  ‘Don’t come near me. I don’t know you anymore.’

  ‘You know me better than anyone,’ I replied. ‘You’ve seen it all. All the raw pieces that I’ve always kept hidden. All the parts that were buried too deep. I wanted to lose them, and you helped me do it.’ She chewed her nail, glancing at me occasionally. A tear escaped but she didn’t acknowledge it. I watched it trickle down her cheek. It nearly killed me. ‘Talk to me, Nat. How can I make this right?’

  ‘I need time to think,’ she replied.

  ‘Don’t leave me.’

  ‘I don’t know what’s real anymore. If you even want me.’

  ‘I want you,’ I pleaded. ‘I fucking need you.’

  ‘I don’t think you know what you want,’ she whispered, her head down.

  Look at me, Nat.

  ‘I know you’re questioning what’s true. Your letter told me that.’

  ‘What letter?’

  ‘The one you left at the tree,’ I replied. ‘Addressed to me.’

  ‘I haven’t written a letter. Not for a while. They…you…stopped responding.’ She pulled some paper from her pocket and handed it to me. ‘Until today.’

  I unfolded it. ‘What is this?’ Read the words. ‘The Grief Fairy is closer than you think?’

  ‘They’re both from Nadia, can’t you see?’

  I thought back to earlier, Nadia’s biza
rre behaviour, my feeling of unease and back even further to the questionable events that I’d chosen to ignore. Nat’s ticket being placed on hold at the Royal Albert Hall, Nadia being certain that Nat couldn’t attend. ‘You didn’t write a letter today telling me we’re over?’ I asked, needing her to confirm.

  ‘No,’ she replied, her eyes widening.

  ‘Fuck.’

  ‘She’s in love with you, Alex. She’ll do anything to make you hers.’

  ‘I’m yours,’ I replied. ‘Don’t give up on me.’

  She put her hand on her collarbone, my blood now drying on her skin and across her fingers. ‘I think you should go and get your hand looked at,’ she said. ‘It could be broken.’

  ‘I don’t care about my hand.’

  ‘You should. It could affect your playing.’

  ‘If you walk away from me, you’ll affect it more.’

  She pushed an old wooden gate forward, resting it at a lopsided angle and turned back to me, running her hands through her short hair.

  ‘Give me some space.’ I shook my head and she held up her hand, stopping me. ‘I need to make sense of what we have, if we have anything. I don’t want to be a distraction. I want to be the front runner. The one you chase because you can’t live without. I won’t spend my life competing with something when I have no chance of winning.’

  ‘I’d never expect you to compete with her,’ I replied, shaking my head.

  ‘I wasn’t talking about Lisa,’ she said, clutching the gate with both hands, finally holding my gaze. ‘I was talking about grief.’

  30

  Alex

  ‘I’m on my way home, Maggie.’

  ‘Please hurry.’ Maggie’s worried voice carried over the speaker.

  ‘Is everything alright?’

  ‘Nadia’s here. I can’t get her to leave.’

  ‘I’m just pulling up to the gates. Where’s Eli?’ I asked.

  ‘She’s woken her up but she’s fine. She’s with me.’

  I sped up the driveaway, swerving on the gravel as I reached the top and opening the car door before I’d even come to a full standstill. ‘Eli?’ I shouted as I threw open the front door and scaled the stairs, two at a time.

  ‘Daddy!’ she squealed, pleased to see me but rubbing her sleepy eyes. She stood up and went to push back the dining room chair.

  ‘Stay there, sweet pea,’ Nadia ordered. ‘You know this is a special evening for Daddy and me and we don’t want to spoil it, do we?’ I watched as she busied herself in the kitchen, an apron tied around her waist. ‘Hi, honey. I’m so glad you’re home. I’m making your favourite dinner.’

  ‘Stay here with me, Eli,’ Maggie said, her voice calm and measured but her eyes flashing with panic.

  ‘Hi, baby. Do as Maggie asks, OK?’

  ‘Maggie can’t move, Daddy.’ I glanced across. Ropes crisscrossed around her body, tying her to the chair.

  ‘Nadia,’ I said quietly, moving closer to her. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Steak, just how you like it,’ she said. ‘Medium rare.’ She put a piece of raw meat onto a griddle pan and it sizzled and hissed as it made contact with the heat. ‘We haven’t had dinner together in so long, I thought it would be nice. Maggie and Elise are joining us, so they can be part of our announcement, isn’t that special?’

  ‘What announcement?’ I replied, holding up my hand and moving slowly towards her. Measured and even. Not wanting to provoke or scare her.

  ‘Our engagement, silly!’

  She put another piece of meat on the pan. The fat spitting around her hands where she was holding the silver tongs, but she didn’t move them away. I watched as she kept them there, not a flinch.

  ‘Nadia, we’re not engaged.’

  ‘What?’ she whispered, pointing the tongs towards me. ‘What are you talking about? You asked me last night. I cooked for you, we had the best wine, you lit candles!’

  ‘Turn off the pan and we’ll go somewhere away from Eli where we can talk.’ I reached where she was standing at the other side of the island and went to hold her wrists. I felt a sharp pain across my knuckles as she hit my hand with the hot tongs, only adding to the pulsing ache that had settled in after punching my fist against the Grieving Tree. She gasped as she looked down, saw the bloody mess before dropping the tongs and putting her hand to her mouth.

  ‘Oh my goodness! What have you done to your hand? My baby, are you in pain? Let me get some ice.’ She opened the freezer and placed ice cubes into a clean cloth. ‘Swollen,’ she tutted as she pressed the ice to my skin. ‘What have you been up to, my darling?’

  ‘Come to my office and I’ll tell you what happened,’ I said, backing down the corridor away from the kitchen. She hesitated so I held out my hand. ‘Come on. I’ll tell you everything. Come with me.’

  ‘I’ll do no such thing,’ she replied dramatically. ‘We have a family meal planned! Sit.’

  ‘Daddy, Aunty Nads is scaring me,’ Eli cried from the table.

  ‘Listen to Eli. You’re scaring her. You don’t want to upset her, do you? Come with me.’

  ‘She isn’t scared of me,’ she replied, her tone high in pitch. ‘I love her. I’m her mummy now, Alexander. She’d never be scared of me.’

  I heard Eli’s faint crying and Maggie’s low voice whispering to her, reassuring her. I knew I had to get Nadia away.

  ‘I know,’ I replied, slowly taking her hand. She gasped and smiled in disbelief as I curled my fingers around hers. ‘Thank you for taking such good care of her.’

  ‘I want to care for you too,’ she replied. ‘I want to give you everything you need.’

  ‘Come with me,’ I said, backing down the corridor to my office. ‘I need your help.’ She followed me by taking small steps. ‘Look after me, Nadia.’ She nodded softly and finally we were inside, a soft click the only noise as I closed the door behind us. ‘Can you clean my hand for me? There’s a first aid kit in my drawer.’ I sat down on the sofa and watched as she pulled out my desk drawer, pulling aside papers and searching.

  ‘Here it is,’ she trilled, a noise so disturbingly fake, nestled within a woman who was clearly close to the edge. ‘I’ll have you fixed in no time.’ She sat down next to me and stroked across my knuckles, glancing up at me, taking a shaky breath. ‘Your hand, your fingers…your heart.’

  ‘Thank you, Nadia,’ I replied softly. Christ, how had I not seen this before? She was such a huge help to me in the early days after Lisa’s death. A part of me thought we helped each other distract ourselves. Nadia by immersing herself in Eli’s world and me by allowing her to. I never thought her feelings towards me were anything more than those of a concerned sister-in-law and worried aunt.

  ‘We’re always helping each other, aren’t we? We care about each other.’ She kissed my hand, a smear of blood resting on her lip. ‘You’re my saviour and I’m yours.’ I thought back to the night I’d found her in Eli’s room, lying across her bed as Eli slept. An empty bottle of pills clutched in one hand and a suicide note in the other. She looked so peaceful in her sleep. Like her grief had finally lifted. That raw moment, the only sign that grief had taken hold, overwhelming her and pushing her in far too deep.

  ‘I’ll always care for you,’ I replied, sorry that we’d come to this point. Guilty that I’d let it happen.

  ‘Lisa would have wanted this,’ she said, her eyes tentative and open. ‘She would have wanted you to find love again…with me. She would have wanted me to care for Eli. To be her mummy.’ She swallowed harshly. Tried to steady her breath. ‘I’m Eli’s mummy now.’ She repeated the words over and over as she wiped my hands clean. ‘I’m Eli’s mummy now.’ I tried to calm her, telling her I understood, that Lisa would feel the same way. Anything to keep her pacified and calm.

  ‘Nadia, I think Maggie would be more comfortable if we untied her. Is that OK? Will you let me do that?’

  ‘No!’ she replied sharply. ‘Maggie had to be put in her place. She told you Natasha had been he
re. She called you when I came back to the house. I know she did. Don’t try to tell me that she didn’t!’

  ‘She’s worried about you,’ I said.

  ‘OK…alright,’ she scoffed, huffing out a laugh. ‘You really believe that? She’s Natasha’s number one fan. She’s worried about her, not me.’

  ‘I’m worried too.’

  ‘Are you?’ she spat, her eyebrow arched. ‘You went to her tonight. You went running!’ She shook her head and raised her eyes to the ceiling. Moving her lips into a tight line. ‘Did you fuck her?’

  ‘Nadia–’

  ‘Did you fuck her hard against your wife’s magical tree? Did you tie her up like those little whores on your wall?’ She looked across at the black-and-white images of women dressed in Shibari knots. ‘You’re a disgrace!’ She spat on my hands and I pulled away sharply. ‘Betraying your wife’s memory to get your fucking dick wet!’

  ‘Nadia, listen to me,’ I said, trying to keep my tone level and even. ‘I think we should get you some help.’

  ‘Didn’t you think I’d give you that?’ she asked, standing up and walking over to the images, pulling one from the wall. ‘Did you think I was too wholesome to be tied up like your little fuck buddy?’ She threw it down and the glass fractured into splintered pieces across the floor. ‘What’s the matter, Alex? You think I didn’t know about your fetish? Of course I did, you bastard! I just tied up your goddamn housekeeper with your filthy rope!’ She lunged for me, breaking shards of glass as she stepped on them. I held her wrists above my head, pushing her away with all the force from my body and did the only thing that I knew would work to calm her down.

  ‘I love you!’ I shouted, the lies of the words killing me to say. I thought of Lisa, of how traumatised she would be to see Nadia now. A broken shell. Unrecognisable from her loving sister who cared for her until her last breath. ‘Stop this,’ I said, repeating it over and over until she finally gave in and sunk into me, her whole body crumpling to my chest, allowing me to cradle her, hold her tightly. I brought us both down to the sofa, she drew up her knees to her chest and started to rock on my lap, cries rolling through her body as she sobbed in my arms.