Find Me

by A. L. Wood

  Of what could be, if only he would allow it. This morning, I woke with breakfast made and the apartment cleaned. Liam was sucking up, for what I’m not sure.

  Was he sorry for being with me? Or sorry for how he acted after? Questions that only he can answer and at the moment I have no desire to speak to him.

  So I sit here, eating my breakfast and pretending to be oblivious that he’s sitting across from me. After I finish my meal in complete silence, I stand up to wash my dish and Liam stops me.

  “Layla, I’m sorry. Please stop with the silent treatment.”

  I look him in the eye, searching for truth. “What part are you sorry for?” I ask him.

  “I don’t know, Lals. All of it. Shit. For taking advantage of you, for telling you to leave, for opening my door.” He looks down, while gripping the back of his hair. “I’m confused. Just give me some time, okay?” he says quietly.

  My world tilts with the last sentence. Hold on Layla, maybe he’s not saying what you think he’s saying.

  “Confused about what?” I ask, needing to confirm my suspicion.

  “About you. About us. If there could be an us. I mean, if that’s what you want.” He looks away in embarrassment, his face flushing lightly.

  I gasp on my intake of breath. It’s kind of cute in a manly way, him being insecure about what I’m going to say.

  “I would like for there to be an us.” I state quietly, almost under my breath.

  He looks straight in my eyes and smiles. “I’m not saying right now, Lals. I still have a lot of shit of my own to work on. I can’t tell you when or where, and I’m not expecting you to wait for me or anything. I have to get my mind straight, before I could attempt some sort of relationship. But I when I do, I would like it to be you.”

  “I’ll wait for you.”

  We stand there staring at one another, knowing that someday we could be. Internally, I’m hoping for that someday to be soon, very soon.

  My ringtone breaks our hold on each other. It could be Natalie, so I run to answer the call.

  “Hello?”

  “Layla?”

  It’s Natalie. Thank God. “Hey…”

  “So, I’ve had a lot of time to think. I have come to the conclusion that I can understand why you would keep such a secret. At first, hearing that you knew this entire time, broke my heart. That you would keep something like this from me for so long. I thought maybe you were covering up for your parents. Something I could have understood as well. But then I called your father and we talked for a while. Talking to him and learning everything, allowed me to find peace with the fact that you kept this from me.”

  “I’m so sorry...” I start sobbing uncontrollably.

  “Shh, Lals,” Natalie says, consoling me. “I know why you did it, and I forgive you. I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too. You have no idea.”

  “Why don’t you come to the house and we’ll have some lunch. Girls only, I promise.” Natalie suggests.

  “Okay, I’ll be there around noon.”

  “All right. Also, I love you.”

  “Love you too.” I reply.

  Later that day, I went to Natalie’s for lunch. I was nervous as hell to face her after what had taken place at my parents. Not that I blame her for one second. I understand why she was hurt by my choices. I’ve known that it was wrong to keep it from her, even though it was with nothing but good intentions.

  We discussed it some more, about her talking to my dad and that she still intended for him to walk her down the aisle. She agreed that had she learned when we were teenagers that she would have been even more hurt and most likely wouldn’t have forgiven my parents.

  But now that we’ve aged a bit more, we’ve learned that not everything is sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes there are horrendous thunderstorms that strike home, without choice.

  Other times, you can’t help who you fall in love with. And even though an affair is something we personally have no tolerance for, it was her mother and my father. How can you not at some point in your life forgive your parent?

  I, nor her can hold on to that anger. Anger is just an emotion that is wasteful, it only ends up holding people back from moving forward in their lives. Something Natalie and I just want to move forward from.

  After discussing the past, we decided to forgive and forget. Move on. We then moved on to the fact that she still wanted me to stand with her when she married Ryan. That there wouldn’t have been any other choice, even if she was upset with me. We then made plans for her Bachelorette party. Something small, just her and I. Well that’s what she thought anyway.

  I rented a limousine to take Natalie and me out for her pre-wedding freedom party. They’re not getting married for a few more days, but with how the next days are looking for itineraries’, tonight was the best night to celebrate her last night out as a single woman.

  Tomorrow was supposed to be the day Natalie and I went shopping for dresses and when I called to confirm this morning, it turns out she had already done all of that. She already knew my dress size and wanted her dress to be a surprise for everyone, including mine.

  Another reason why tonight is the best night, no plans for the next day. Tomorrow night is Ryan’s bachelor party, then we fly out the next day.

  I look out the window looking for signs as to how far away from Natalie’s we might be. When we drive by a similar looking house as Ryan’s, I know were in the neighborhood. I send a text to Natalie to be outside, because I’m almost to her door.

  When the limousine pulls up, Natalie’s standing in the driveway, wearing an elegant black silk strapless dress that ends right above her feet and she paired it with classic black heels. Her hair is flowing down her back in tight ringlet curls and her makeup is barely there and flawless.

  I step out of the limo to give her a quick hug, “You look gorgeous for your celebration of the last night of being single.”

  She laughs, as I slide in the car, her following in beside me.

  I take the open bottle of champagne I had sitting in the console holder and pour a small amount into two glass flutes. I hand Natalie one and start the first toast of the night, “To leaving behind you’re soon to be husband for one night.”

  She drinks to it, as do I. The drive is fairly short to our first stop.

  “Tonight is about you’re last night, reliving your past, and moving forward to happiness and regaining a family. Something I know that you cherish deeply.” I say to Natalie trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to fall. “So I thought that for your last night, you could stop to say goodbye to your past. Not a permanent, forgetting everything goodbye. But a closing to one door and opening of another, moving forward from all of the hurt and pain, from everything you’ve gone through to get where you are now. To starting your new life without the shadows looming over you. We’re going to visit a few places that might be hard to move forward from. But I will be here to hold your hand when you do.”

  Natalie’s tears stray down her jaw and she smiles. “Okay,” she says softly.

  I decided that the easier stops would be first, the ones here in Boston. We pull up to the outside of Berklee School of Music, a place that Natalie no longer attends and I do part time. “Our first spot, saying goodbye to the place you first met Ryan and where you decided you hated him. A school you no longer attend, where your beginning to live started.”

  I pour some more champagne in our flutes and we toast to the first goodbye.

  Our second stop is my apartment, where she used to reside. “Goodbye to being a single college student and your first place that you held on your own.” We drink another gulp from our flutes.

  The limousine pulls up to Boston International Airport, “Where are we going?” Natalie asks.

  “I’m not telling, but you have to go.”

  I planned this part with Ryan. He rented a private jet, stocked with champagne, headed to Albany, New York.

  Home.

  We land less tha
n an hour later and Natalie still has no idea where we’re headed, until we step out that is.

  “Home?” She asks.

  I don’t say anything. Instead, I lead her to yet another limousine stocked with champagne and glass flutes.

  The driver already having been given instructions, takes us to my home first. We stay seated in the car and toast yet another goodbye. Not a goodbye to my parents, but of the memories that are painful that reside there. The car then pulls into the driveway of the house seated on acres of land across the street. Natalie looks to me nervously. I clutch her hand, letting her know that no matter what I’m here by her side.

  “I know you haven’t been here since that day, but it’s something you should face. They loved you Natalie, even with all of the secrets that we didn’t know, they still loved you. We don’t have to go inside if you don’t want to, but we can. I made sure with the owners that it would be alright if we did.” I tell her.

  “No, no that’s okay. We don’t have to go in to say goodbye.”

  I fill our glasses, then toast. “To the place you were raised in, a house that’s frame has supported you for years just knowing it was there. A frame that’s no longer needed.” We drink.

  I saved the hardest part for last and with the slight buzz from the champagne, I know this one is going to be the most emotional.

  The drive is fairly short and I don’t think Natalie has any clue as to what’s coming next, so when we’re only a few minutes until our destination, I tell her.

  “We don’t have to go here if you don’t want to, but I thought that maybe saying goodbye, having some kind of closure after all of this-all that we have gone through-might be good for a new beginning.”

  Natalie shakes her head yes. As we pull into the cemetery, I fill our glasses for the last time, for the last goodbye.

  We both drink it slowly and the feeling is bittersweet. That after everything, she has finally found happiness and that light is shining in her eyes once again.

  She goes to her parents gravestones by herself. She insisted. Although, I made sure she knew that if she wanted me there, all she had to do was give me a look and I would be there.

  She talks to the air for a while, well over an hour. Telling them of her life I’m sure, since she hasn’t been her since the day they were buried.

  When she gets back in the limousine, I don’t ask her what she said, I just hold her hand.

  As we approach the airport, she looks over to me and says, “I’m glad we went there. It felt right. I got a lot off my chest and I feel lighter. Thank you for tonight, Lals.”

  If anything were to come out of tonight, that was my best hope.

  “Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.”

  ~Henry Van Dyke

  Chapter 25

  Liam

  Tonight is Ryan’s bachelor party and tomorrow morning we fly out for the wedding rehearsal and dinner before the big day. Somehow, we’ve managed to keep the wedding under wraps and away from the paparazzi. Thank the stars, because Ryan and Natalie deserve their day to be uninterrupted.

  Ryan asked me to not make a big deal out of his last night being a single man, but how in the world could he expect me not to? I didn’t hire a stripper or any of that. Natalie would definitely have my ass if I did, so would Layla as a matter of fact.

  So instead, I rented out a bar. A tiny shit hole in the wall. Just like the one we were performing in when we were first noticed by our big wig record producer, Mel. I thought for old times’ sake we could go back to that place in our lives.

  A reminder of why we shouldn’t take what we have every day for granted. The success we have had, the fame, the money, how it could have never happened. We could still be playing gigs in a place such as this. And honestly, none of that matters when it comes to actually living. Music, isn’t about who has the biggest hit or the most album sales, it’s the songs. The reality of every single word being sung. Looking back at everything we have done, how far we have come in the industry, it still doesn’t matter. I could all be gone with the blink of an eye, and I would be okay. We would all be okay, because what matters to us isn’t the sales or dollar signs, it’s the music. The fans.

  What Ryan doesn’t know is that besides renting this place out, so we could perform, I also did a secret giveaway. I called a local radio station and offered them the exclusive rights to all two hundred floor tickets, as long as they didn’t reveal who was performing and the address of the venue, until the night of to the winners.

  I didn’t want this impromptu show all over headlines and ambushed by the reporters. I wanted it like it was back in the day. This is something that Gage, Zepp, and Jason were all in on and helped me plan.

  I show up to Ryan’s house a little earlier than the time we have to actually leave for the show. I enter his house without knocking and head into the great room, where no doubt he is. When I enter the room, I find him burping the little princess.

  “Hey, you excited for tonight?” I ask.

  “I’m actually a little nervous, because after all, you planned this. Natalie’s nervous too.” Ryan replies, smiling.

  “We don’t have to leave for another hour. The guys should be getting ready now.”

  “Actually, I wanted to ask you a favor. Maybe you could help me with something before we head out.” Ryan asks, hesitatingly.

  “Okay, what’s up?”

  “Remember when I told you about this one song I was struggling with?” He asks.

  “Yeah…”

  “Well, I still need some help with it. I was wondering if maybe you would read it over and tweak the lyrics. I have the sheet music already made for you.”

  “Okay, not a problem. Is it in the studio?” I reply. This is something that he has come to me for regularly. Anytime he’s stuck.

  “There’s something else, though It’s a song I wrote to be sung at our wedding. I wanted you to sing it.”

  “What?” I ask, suddenly paled. All of the blood leaving my face.

  “I know you haven’t sung in years and that it’s not something you would do without arguing. Think of it as a wedding gift.”

  I stopped singing when I was no longer homeless. I only did it for a means to get by and after Alex, I couldn’t find my voice anymore. There was no reason to sing any longer. But there’s only one person that would ever have the power to sway me and he’s currently sitting before me.

  “Only for you.” I agree.

  Tonight, I decided to remain sober and be the designated driver. When I pull into the parking lot alongside the bar, Ryan questions me, “A bar? My low key bachelor party is taking place at a local bar? What are you guys getting me into?”

  I laugh, instead of replying. When we all slide out of the car, I take the lead, walking us to the back entrance of the establishment. Ryan remains quiet. I plan on telling him our surprise for his party in the dressing room.

  A security officer meets me when we enter the back door. I flash him my identification and he forwards me on ahead to our small backstage room. It smells of musky mold and has a hole infested couch that looks like it’s been sitting there since the eighties. As Jason pours four shots of Jameson, I tell Ryan of our plans.

  “So, don’t be all pissed the fuck off when I tell you this.” I start.

  “What, what have you guys done?”

  “Well, I remember how pissed you were at Mel when we had to do a show at a college, so cool your shit now. We’re playing here tonight.”

  “How is that possible? I said low key, damn it.”

  He’s pissed.

  “It is low key. All of these people have no idea who’s performing and to get in, they have to have a ticket. No one can buy entrance at the door.” I reassure him.

  “Okay. Alright, we can work with this, as long as it’s not a paparazzi party afterwards.”

  “There is one othe
r thing” I add in.

  “What?” He asks, like he’s on his last thread of patience.

  “If you haven’t already guessed, this place is a pure shit hole. I chose it for old times’ sake. A reminder of how far we’ve come.”

  “I think that calls for a toast.” Gage jumps in.

  I sip on water, as they take a few shots before our impromptu show.

  “Are you fucking ready?” Ryan asks smiling.

  “Fuck Yeah!” We reply back.

  The stage is already set up for us. Jason came over hours earlier to make sure everything was where it should be. When Ryan walks onto the stage before us, the crowd goes insane. Fucking loud really, for a mere two hundred people. The smallest show we’ve performed for since the night we were signed.

  Memories. To go back to this, it feels good. True, to ourselves. You can grow in character and in mind, you can leave behind your roots, where you were raised, and the people who created you, without choice or by choice. But this shit, it’s where we’ll always be. Grateful, and at peace with ourselves.

  We put on a two hour show and stayed late, meeting fans and signing autographs. On our drive back to Ryan’s, he looked over to me sincerely, “You did good, man.”

  “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,

  And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”

  ~William Shakespeare, Mid-Summer Night's Dream, 1595

  Chapter 26

  Layla

  We’re currently on an airplane flying to Albany, where we will then be driven to The Sagamore. Where Ryan and Natalie’s rehearsal dinner will take place. Then it’s an early night to bed, so Natalie and I can be pampered all day in the resorts spa.

  My parents are meeting us at the resort tonight and will also be staying there as well, in their own suite on our floor. Gage’s date, the woman he met at the bar only weeks before, has joined our entourage headed to New York as well.

  Jason, Zepp, and Liam have decided to go to the wedding solo. I’m currently relaxed in my chair listening to music on my iPhone playlist, while I enjoy the surrounding company, observing their interactions. A close knit family unit, if I ever saw one.