Promise Me

by Hilary Wynne

  Everything is exactly the same as when I was last here, which surprises me. I feel like it should look different because everything is different. I put my bags on the floor next to the couch and take out my new PJs. I’m ready to get out of this dress and these shoes. I change in the guest bathroom and head back to the living room. I take my phone and the magazines I bought earlier out of my purse and lie down on the couch. We had a really late and really emotional night last night, and it’s starting to catch up with me. I feel sleepy immediately. I check my phone and see Julian still hasn’t tried to get in touch. I’m a little hurt. He knows I’m waiting here for him.

  By ten-thirty, I can’t keep my eyes open. I just don’t feel comfortable making myself at home and getting into his bed, so I grab a throw off the back of the couch and cover myself. The next thing I feel is a gentle touch on my shoulder and when I open my eyes, I see Julian sitting on the couch next to me. The moonlight allows me to see his face clearly, and what I see in his eyes makes me smile. I see love. I do.

  “Eres tan bonita. So beautiful.”

  I sit up so I’m facing him. I put my hand in his and he strokes the back of my hand with his thumb. We sit there for what feels like forever, staring at each other. I want him to take me in his arms and hold me and tell me he loves me. I want to place my lips on his and breathe my love into his soul. All of the intensity and raw emotion from last night is missing right now, and although I see how he’s feeling through his eyes, the air is thick with uneasiness.

  “Why are you on the couch?”

  “I was waiting for you and I guess I fell asleep.”

  He glances down at the bags that are next to the couch instead of in his room or closet and sighs. He knows. “If you’re uncomfortable being here, you don’t need to stay.”

  I squeeze his hand and say how I’m feeling instead of denying he’s right. “I walked away from you and this place. It does feel weird to be here, especially without you. I don’t feel like I belong, like I deserve to belong.”

  He looks puzzled by my last words. “Deserve to belong?”

  “Julian, this was going to be my home and you were going to be my husband. I walked away. I thought I had to, and I did what I needed to do to survive, but it was all so wrong. I feel guilty and unworthy of all this, of you. I’ve felt that way before because I was insecure about other women, but this time it’s all about my actions after I heard about the baby.”

  Julian doesn’t tell me he understands, or that he’s over what I did. Actually, he doesn’t disagree with me which makes it worse. He doesn’t say anything at all and just stares at me with a questioning look in his eyes. I see so much doubt, and I hope he doesn’t see all the guilt I’m feeling.

  Once again the silence is very awkward, so I keep rambling to fill the space. “I feel horrible about it all. I feel sad and guilty and like the world’s stupidest woman for walking away and hurting you like I did. I can look in your eyes and see you’re so unsure about me, about this, about us. You always looked so certain when you looked at me, and now I see so much doubt. It breaks my heart that I did this.”

  Julian pulls me in close and wraps me in his arms. The tears that have welled up behind my eyes start to fall silently. Last night was all about what he was going through in regards to Caroline and the baby. It was all about how he was feeling. Tonight the focus is us, and despite the closeness we shared last night, we’re not connected right now.

  Julian holds me for a few minutes before he pulls back and puts his hand under my chin. He wipes my tears away with his thumb. “Te amo, Alexa. I’m sure about that. I love you, and I always will. I have since day one. But you’re right. I don’t trust in this right now, in us. I don’t want you to feel bad about it, but I can’t act differently. You’ve made me scared to love you. You broke my heart, and I can’t go through that again. You’ve done nothing but run from me.” It seems like he’s going to say something else, but stops himself.

  “I came back, and I don’t want to be anywhere but right here next to you.” I lean forward and place my lips softly on his, and kiss him sweetly. “I love you so much, and I’m so sorry you have doubts about it. I know why and I don’t blame you, but you have nothing to be scared of. I hope you’ll give me the chance to prove that to you. I’m done running.”

  Julian reaches up and puts his hand on the back of my head. He deepens the kiss I started and holds me close to him. Just as the passion builds up, he pulls away. He doesn’t take his eyes off of me, and I see so much conflict in their depths. Instead of freaking out like I usually do, I just take his hand, stand up, and start walking to his room. All I want right now is to lie next to him in his big, comfortable bed, and have him wrap his body around me as I snuggle into my space in his arms. He follows me, and lets go of my hand to go into the bathroom. I push through my discomfort and get under the covers while I wait for him. I hear the shower turn on, and I use the time I have alone to compose myself. Julian isn’t in there long and when he gets in bed naked, I start to feel more at ease. I think it’s because he seems more at ease. He reaches down, grabs the hem of my cami and pulls it over my head in a fluid motion. He does the same thing with my shorts and panties, leaving me naked. He pulls me close to him without saying a word, and does exactly what I wanted and needed him to do. He wraps his beautiful, warm, strong naked body around me and holds me tightly to him. My back is to his chest and I can feel his heart beating rapidly.

  “It feels so good to hold you and to have you back in your spot in this bed.” Julian’s voice is little more than a whisper.

  I wiggle out of his embrace so I can turn and face him. I press my body against his and wrap my arm around him. “I love you, Julian.”

  Julian kisses me softly and tightens his grip on me. Despite the fact we’re naked and pressed against each other, there isn’t anything sexual about this moment. I think about what that means as I lie next to the man I love, safe in his arms. We’re a sexual couple, and have been since the get-go. It isn’t often that we’re in this position and nothing happens. To be honest, I truly am okay with it. I want him. I always want him, but being close like this is all I need right now. But because I’m me and in a place where I’m unsure about everything, I question why he’s not initiating sex. It’s just one more thing about our dynamic that’s different. I keep my questions and doubts to myself though, and remind myself that being in his arms is better than not being in his arms. We don’t say anything else, and the silence that surrounds us is only punctuated by our breathing. It isn’t long before we’re in sync, our heartbeats beating together. Only then do I let myself fall asleep.

  Chapter 3

  The light that’s peeking through the blinds that are covering the massive glass windows in Julian’s condo is bright enough to lull me from what was a wonderful night’s sleep. I look at the clock on the nightstand, and see it’s just a little before seven. I assume Julian is already out of bed because he isn’t next to me, but when I roll over I find him still sleeping, just all the way across the bed. My chest tightens a little when I assess the situation. There has never been a time when Julian has been in the same bed as me and we haven’t woken up tangled in each other. There haven’t been many nights when we haven’t made love either, and I was basically okay with that last night. This morning I’m feeling way less confident about where we stand. Right now the physical distance between us symbolizes our new reality, and forces me to acknowledge how far apart we are.

  I get out of bed as quietly as I can, grab my clothes, and head to the bathroom where I get dressed. There isn’t much to my PJs, but they make me feel like I’m not completely exposed and vulnerable. Julian doesn’t stir, and I assume he must still be so tired and worn out from the events of the last few nights. I make myself a cup of coffee and go sit on the terrace to watch the sunrise. I don’t have to be into work until nine-thirty, so although I’m feeling uncomfortable, I’m not feeling rushed.

  The sunrise is beautiful. As I stare out over
the ocean and witness the day beginning, I can’t help but feel calmer. How could a day that starts so amazingly perfect be anything but beautiful? I’m outside on the terrace for close to a half an hour before Julian joins me. He’s wearing a pair of white athletic shorts that sit very low on his hips and look incredibly sexy against his tanned skin. He smiles sleepily, and sits down in the chair next to me.

  “Buenos días. How long have you been up?”

  “Morning. Only a little while. You just missed the sunrise. It was beautiful.”

  “So are you, Alexa.” Julian picks up my hand and rubs his thumb back and forth over it. “You could’ve woken me up. I would’ve joined you.”

  This man’s words make me melt. “You looked peaceful, and I figured you needed to sleep. You’re usually out of bed way before me so when I saw you still asleep, I decided to leave you be.”

  “Gracias. I needed it. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

  My heart sinks when I hear those words. We were together for the second time in months and I slept like a baby knowing he was there. Clearly, we’re not on the same page.

  “I’m sorry to hear that. I slept like a baby.”

  Julian chuckles a little. “I know.”

  I’m not sure what’s so funny. “Did I keep you up? I’m sorry.” Holy shit. “Was I moving or talking in my sleep?”

  “No. You were still. I watched you most of the night.”

  “You watched me? Why?”

  “I wanted to make sure you didn’t disappear. I’ve been dreaming about you for weeks, and each time I woke up, you were gone. Sometimes the dreams felt so real. I guess because you really were gone.”

  Julian has a pensive look on his face, and I imagine he’s thinking about how I wasn’t there for him when he needed me to be. I climb into his lap and wrap my arms around him. “I’m not a dream, Julian. I’m real and I’m here and I’m not leaving.”

  As we stare into each other’s eyes, I can feel Julian harden against me. We didn’t really touch at all yesterday, and I took that as an indication he wasn’t interested in anything physical. His present state of arousal is telling me differently, and I’m going to take advantage of it. I need him to touch me so I can feel balanced. I move against him and position myself so his erection is settled right between my legs. I wiggle a little in the process. His breathing quickens, and I can feel him trembling slightly. His hands are at his sides.

  “What are you trying to do here?” Julian asks me with a serious tone.

  “Nada, Julian. I was just trying to get comfortable.” My tone is playful.

  “Comfortable? You’re grinding yourself into my very hard dick.”

  He’s not exaggerating. He’s extremely hard and the pressure it’s putting on my sex is turning me on. “Would you like me to get off of you?” I start to move and he puts his hands on my hips and holds me down. He rolls his hips and thrusts into me at the same time. I take that as a no.

  I lean down and put my lips next to his ear. “I want you. I’ve wanted you since last night when you were pressing your warm, naked body against mine. I know I turn you on, but if you don’t want this, please say so.”

  Julian moans and pushes me off of him just enough for him to be able to pull his shorts off. When he’s done taking his own clothes off, he grabs the waistband of my shorts and pulls them down as well. He leaves my cami on. I sit back down so I’m straddling him with my knees bent on the sides of his long, muscular legs. I moan out loud when he starts to touch me. The feeling of his fingers sliding through my wetness and into my throbbing sex is exquisite. When he decides that I’m ready for him, he lifts me up again and guides himself into me. Within seconds I’m deliciously filled with his hardness and feel myself trembling softly.

  I start to slide myself slowly up and down his shaft, enjoying every inch of him. I’m getting lost in the moment when Julian stops me with his words. “I always want you. Always. I wanted you more than anything last night, and I had to force myself not to make love to you all night. You’re a magnet for me and your pull is so fucking strong.” There’s an edge to his voice I’m not familiar with. I don’t like it.

  “You sound mad about that.”

  Julian closes his eyes for a minute and shifts under me. This moment is a little surreal. Julian is in me, deep in me, and we’re talking about how he basically doesn’t want to want me. When he opens his eyes, I see flecks of anger mixed together with love and arousal.

  “I am mad about it. It makes me feel weak, and that’s a bad thing. I am mad at you, Alexa, and that’s an emotion I’m having a hard time dealing with. I don’t want to be mad at you. I want to trust you and believe you aren’t going to run again.”

  Julian is staring at me with such an intense look which causes me to squirm, literally. I start to get off of him, and he holds me down onto him with his hands at my waist. He’s still very deep inside of me, and still very hard. It would have surprised me if I wasn’t still so turned on myself.

  “You left me.” His voice is sad.

  “I know.”

  “Don’t do it again.” This time his voice isn’t sad. It’s authoritative and laced with a warning.

  “I love you, Julian. I want you. I want this. I got lost and I’m sorry.”

  “How sorry?” Now his voice sounds playful. Good God. He’s all over the place with his feelings. Good thing I’m used to being on my own personal emotional roller coaster. It helps me keep up.

  “Very sorry. How can I make it up to you?” I’m trying to turn this moment back into a sexual one, and because I’d very much like to finish what we started here, my question is flirty.

  He finally gives in and lets go of the emotions for a moment. “You can start by sliding this beautiful body of yours up and down my dick again.”

  I do as he asks and start moving myself slowly up and down his length. “Like this?”

  “Mmm. Sí, asi.”

  “You like this, baby? You like feeling yourself slide so deep into me? I love it. You feel amazing.” The sensation his dick is creating each time it slides across my clit is kindling a fire deep in my core.

  Julian reaches up and slides his hands under my cami. His long fingers gently caress my breasts and after a moment he wraps his hands around me and pulls me down toward him. My swollen nipples are poking through my thin top, and when Julian leans in and playfully bites down on one of them, it sends a rush of warmth down the entire length of my body. I lean in further and place my lips on his and slide my tongue into his mouth. I need to kiss him. I continue to roll my hips slowly into him, taking him deep into my wet sex with every undulation. His moans spur me on.

  “Lexie?” Julian’s mouth is next to my ear and he’s running his tongue seductively across my earlobe.

  “Yes, Julian?”

  “Fuck me, baby. I want you to show me how much you want this. How much you need this.”

  Oh my God. His words turn me on. I pick up my speed and begin moving into Julian like I want and need to be one with him. I want to be as close to this man as I possibly can, and I want him to feel in his core that I’m his.

  The fast pace of my movements and his hard thrusts into me have me coming in no time. When Julian senses I’m about to climax, he grabs my hips and holds me to him so I can’t move. The fullness of him inside me, mixed with his own orgasm and the pressure he’s creating by holding me down, guide me to an extremely powerful orgasm. I feel it everywhere.

  The warm temperature outside coupled with the workout we just had have left our bodies slick with sweat. I feel my chest slide against Julian’s when I lie down on him to catch my breath. It’s sexy as hell. He’s still inside of me and I swear he feels like he’s ready to go again. I move my hips in a circular motion and hear him chuckle.

  “Are you not satisfied yet, mi amor?”

  Mi Amor. And Lexie. He’s coming back to me. “You’re still hard, Julian. Maybe you’re the one who isn’t satisfied. I personally just had one of the biggest orgasms o
f my life.”

  His chuckle turns into a laugh. “Is that so? Good. I am still hard, but I do need to get into work soon, so I’m going to have to save it for later. Is that okay with you?”

  I kiss him softly. “Is it okay if you make love to me later? Um, yeah. I’ll have something to look forward to all day.” I get off of him and sit next to him on the lounger. He is still hard, and he looks so sexy laying there naked. Maybe I’m not so okay with waiting.

  I glance up at Julian, who is watching me admire him, and I see his eyes turn black with lust. I reach down to take him in my hand, but he intercepts me and threads his fingers through mine.

  “Mas tarde. I really don’t have time for all of things I’m going to do to you tonight.”

  “Okay. Later it is then.” I put on my best pout and stand up. When I do, I can feel the wetness from both of our orgasms on the inside of my leg. I feel a lust-filled tremor run up my spine. Without taking my eyes off of Julian, I run my index finger across the top of my inner thigh and feel the wetness on the tip. I slide my finger across my lips and lick it with my tongue. The moan that comes out of Julian is primal, and when he reaches up to pull me to him, I take a small step back, just out of his reach.

  “Uh uh. Mas tarde, remember?”

  He shakes his head. “You’re a bad girl, Alexa Reed.”

  I bend down to pick up my shorts and panties, knowing my ass is right in front of him. I turn to walk away and look back over my shoulder. “That may be true, but at least I’m your bad girl.”