Promise Me

by Hilary Wynne

  I’ll never be able to explain in words how I’m feeling at this moment. Julian is giving me what I have asked for. His mouth and tongue are on me. Tasting and licking my sex until I’m squirming beneath his touch. My heart is racing and full to the brim with every emotion I’ve ever felt. I’m filled with love and fear and need and the instinct to literally push him away so I don’t hurt him anymore. I also want to pull him so close that no space exists between us. I have done as Julian asked and completely let go, and now I’m free falling.

  The combination of an extremely powerful orgasm mixed with all the emotions racing through my body lead to my total inability to retain my composure. I can’t hold back the tears that have been dancing behind my eyes since the moment Julian told me he was exactly where he wanted to be.

  “Lexie?”

  I reach down and attempt to pull him up towards me. I need to feel his body pressed against mine. It’s the only thing that can soothe me. He shifts and moves up so we’re lying next to each other, and I whisper, “Make love to me. Please. I need you.”

  I can see in his eyes he’s confused by my reaction. He doesn’t question me though, and gently settles himself between my legs. He kisses away my tears as he slowly slides into me, and once again the combination of the physical and emotional feelings I’m experiencing overwhelm me and a small sob escapes my lips.

  “Are you okay, baby?”

  I offer a feeble nod, afraid to answer. I worry the words I was planning to speak earlier might seep out and ruin what is, without doubt, the most intense encounter we’ve shared in a very long time.

  Julian’s slow and steady thrusts lull me into a more comfortable state and I’m able to close my eyes and get lost in our perfect moment. He’s whispering in my ear and placing sweet kisses on my face and neck. His words are on loop in my head. “I want you to feel me love you. I want you to feel how much I want you. I promise you I’m exactly where I want to be.”

  When I wake up in the morning, I find myself alone. I’m tangled up in Julian’s soft, white sheets and I pretend for a moment it’s his arms that are around me making me feel safe. I don’t want to get out of bed. I hardly slept last night knowing that I was going to tell him everything this morning. My dreams were mixed with my real thoughts, and the whole night was a blurry mess of anguish. This is going to be so bad.

  After brushing my teeth and using the bathroom, I walk to the kitchen, where I assume Julian is.

  I find him busy in the kitchen making breakfast. “Are we expecting company? You have enough food here to feed everyone in the building.” It smells amazing in the kitchen but there really is a tremendous amount of food here.

  “Buenos dias, mi amor. I couldn’t decide what I wanted. Neither one of us has really eaten in days and I’m starving. I hope you’re hungry too.”

  Hungry? No, I’m not hungry. I’m sick to my stomach. “Sure, I guess I’m a little hungry.” There’s no way I’m going to be able to eat. I walk to the coffee pot and Julian kisses the back of my neck when I move past him. It sends a shiver down my spine. As I busy myself with my coffee, I take deep and purposeful breaths. I feel like I’m about to throw up. I can’t even look at Julian, who is in a great mood. A mood I’m about to devastate. He doesn’t seem to notice my avoidance as he moves around the kitchen behind me. I even hear him humming under his breath, which is something he rarely does. Without looking at him and without really looking up, I walk around to the other side of the island and sit down. Julian has already set the table, and sitting on my plate is a pretty red rose and a cloth napkin. I pick the flower up to smell it and can’t help but feel warm from his thoughtfulness. When I pull the napkin off the plate, I lose my breath for a moment. Oh my God, it’s my ring.

  On cue, my body starts to shake and I instantly feel the anxiety crashing down on me. I feel like a thousand pound chain is around my neck as I force myself to look up at Julian. He’s standing in front of me on the other side of the island and has the biggest smile on his face. It’s the smile I’ve missed so much and have rarely seen in months. It’s the smile that says that when he looks at me he’s happy. It’s the smile that’s filled with love. I stare at it for a few moments, knowing it’s about to disappear for what might be forever. I feel the tears damming up in my eyes and I will them to stay away. More than anything I don’t want to start crying. Julian notices the pain in my eyes and his bright smile slowly fades into a look of disbelief.

  “Lexie?” His words hang heavily in the air. He needs an explanation.

  I had a big speech planned. I was going to sit down with him on the couch and hold his hand, and explain it all to him. I had my defense all worked out. I was planning on easing into the conversation gently. The ring changed all of that. I can hardly breathe.

  “I slept with Luke.”

  My declaration is met with silence. Total silence for what seems like forever. Julian is staring at me with a look I’ve never seen, and as the minutes pass, my heart sinks deeper in my chest. He finally turns around and shuts the gas off on the stove. He puts the dishtowel he was holding down on the counter and walks out of the kitchen toward the terrace. I don’t want to follow him, but I know I have to, so I get off the stool, put one foot in front of the other and walk outside. Julian is leaning up against the railing looking off into the distance. His posture is rigid. I sit down on the chaise lounge behind him and wait for him to say something or turn around. When he finally looks at me, I wish he was still looking away. The look in his eyes is pure ice. His voice matches.

  “When?”

  “When you told him to come talk to me. When we were broken up.”

  He nods his head slowly and deliberately. “So that’s how you’re going to justify this. Good to know.”

  “I’m not trying to justify anything, Julian. You asked me when and I answered. Those are facts, not excuses.”

  “Facts? Let me tell you a fact. I asked him to come see if you were okay because I was so worried about you, and because I felt so horrible that you were in so much pain because of a mistake I made. I thought you might need someone to talk to. I didn’t ask him to fuck you.”

  “I know that’s—”

  “Or did he fuck you? Did you two make love? Have sex? What was it like? Was it all you had imagined in the seven years you were best friends? Was it worth the wait?” Julian’s voice is hostile and bitter.

  I open my mouth to say something, anything, but he cuts me off again. “I know you’re a great fuck, so I’m really asking about him. Did he enjoy it? Because I know he’s been waiting to get into your panties for years!” Julian pauses, so I open my mouth again to say something to make this somehow seem okay, but it’s obvious he isn’t finished. The look on his face says he hates me.

  “Julian, stop. Please.”

  “Did he take good care of you? How much time did he spend between your legs? I know you cum pretty easy when I’m trying to get you off. Was Luke as quick? Did you beg him not to stop like you do when I’m fucking you? Did you wrap your legs around him and hold him close to you while you came? Did you give him one of your amazing blow jobs? Did you stare into his eyes when his dick was in you?”

  His words are like rocks being thrown at me and I feel a little more bruised with each one. I understand why he’s this upset and I expected him to be angry, but he’s being so ugly and making our sex life seem seedy and all about … sex. I didn’t expect that. I didn’t expect him to start asking for details like this. I just keep staring at him silently, waiting for him to stop his verbal assault.

  “I guess I’m done asking the questions. Why don’t you answer some of them for me?”

  I’m trying to hold back my tears. There’s no fucking way I’m going to answer any of those questions.

  “Vas a contestar mis preguntas o no?”

  I shake my head vehemently. “Julian, you don’t want to know the answers to any of those questions any more than I want to answer them, so no.”

  “Porque, Alexa?”
/>
  I look down at my hands and think about the ring sitting on the plate inside. The thought makes my stomach heave because I know it’ll never be on my finger again. “Because you really don’t want to know the details of me being with another man and because you’re not going to believe anything I have to say anyway.”

  He shakes his head slowly and deliberately. “Sí. You may be right about that. I’m not sure I should believe anything out of your mouth. It’s not like our relationship has been filled with many of your honest moments.”

  Wow, he’s fighting dirty. “That’s not fair and you know it. I chose not to share some very personal, very hurtful things with you, but I have never lied to you about anything that had to do with you.”

  “Until now.”

  “I didn’t lie to you about this either.”

  His face twists into an ugly snarl. His body is completely tensed up and I see the anger and hurt rolling off of him. I’ve seen him upset before, but this is different. I have a hard time looking directly at him. “Leave it to you to play a game with semantics. You didn’t lie because I didn’t ask you if you had fucked anyone else. But you sure as hell didn’t feel the need to tell me either. You just let this whole week go by acting like we were back on track!” He takes a deep breath. “Why did you tell me anyway? Did someone force you to? Did Luke threaten to tell me? I know he has a history of that.”

  “Nobody forced me to do anything. I told you because I couldn’t not tell you. I love you and I wanted us to start again with a clean slate. I felt like I was being dishonest and I couldn’t take it anymore.”

  “Feel better now?”

  “No.”

  “Good. Because the one who cheated shouldn’t be the one who gets to feel better after they admit what they did.”

  Cheated? “Julian, we were broken up. I know this is hurtful, but I didn’t cheat on you.”

  He pauses again and seems to be digesting my words. “Okay. I guess I can’t argue with you about that. You had walked out on me. You did break off our engagement. I just view it a little differently because I didn’t even look at another woman after you left. I couldn’t.”

  His tone is full of sarcasm. He’s nowhere near seeing this from my perspective and because I feel like I need him to understand where I’m coming from, I play a little dirty too. “No? Well you had no problem looking at another woman while we were together. How quickly you forget about the night I caught you in the parking garage just about to bring another woman here to fuck. I guess that doesn’t count as anything!”

  “En serio? You want to bring that up. You walked out on me that night too, but I have no idea how you can even think to compare that with what you did. I didn’t fuck anyone. I haven’t fucked anyone. There is a difference, Alexa. A huge fucking difference!”

  “But you wanted to! You admitted that to me and the only reason you didn’t was because you got caught. So don’t act self-righteous.”

  “Are you going to start bringing up things from the past to deflect from you fucking Luke? Because that could take a while and I have to go to work.”

  Every time he uses the word ‘fucking’, which he’s doing often and on purpose, I cringe. “I’m not deflecting anything. I’m sitting right here listening to you rip me apart for making a mistake while we were broken up. I brought up your almost cheating incident because your justification for doing it was because you were hurting about what was going on between us. I’m just telling you the same thing happened with me. I was in a very bad place, Julian, and I made a mistake. I’m not trying to tell you how to feel and I’m not trying to turn this around and make it about you and what you’ve done.”

  “Then what exactly are you trying to do?”

  I’m trying to make sure he doesn’t leave me. That’s what I’m really trying to do. I don’t say that though. “I’m just trying to be honest with you so we can move forward and not have anything hanging over our heads. I’m trying to get back to where we were before the baby. I’ve been trying to make you love me again.”

  Julian starts to move away from the railing and I think he’s going to sit by me. I think I might have gotten through to him. I’m very wrong. He doesn’t sit. He stands and looks down at me with hardened eyes. “Well, the honesty thing pretty much fucking sucks and all you’ve done by telling me is put us someplace we’ve never been before. We couldn’t be farther away from ‘before the baby’.”

  He starts to walk inside. I don’t know what to say so I keep my mouth shut. I’ve said enough this morning. Julian turns around once more and says, “And Alexa, I didn’t need you to try and make me love you again. Unlike you, I never stopped.”

  Chapter 14

  I wait on the terrace until I hear Julian walk out the door. I couldn’t follow him and I couldn’t leave in my underwear. I thought about it though. The last place I want to be is here, where I’m obviously unwelcome. I’m proud that I didn’t cry and play that card. I don’t want sympathy. My heart is breaking and I want to crawl in a hole and disappear, but that’s not the me I want to be. It won’t work anyway because I doubt Julian would come looking for me.

  I can’t help myself. I have to glance at the island on my way back to the bedroom. The ring is gone. Gone like all hope I had that he would somehow understand why I did what I did. His words are smothering me and I’m feeling a little beaten up. We need to talk when he isn’t so angry, and I hope he’ll be able to soon.

  I take a quick shower and throw on one of the outfits I have here. I pull my hair back in a tight ponytail and put on as little makeup as I can get away with. I’m still looking pale from being sick, but I’m not in the mood to get all made up. I’m running late as it is.

  As I’m putting my stuff away, I’m forced to ask myself whether I should just pack it all up or not. The Lexie from a few weeks ago would be grabbing all of her stuff and running as fast as she could. Luckily the Lexie who knows she needs to fight for Julian is the one looking in the mirror. I put all my stuff back in the drawers and leave my clothes in the closet. I’ll be back here tonight and I’ll stay until Julian asks me to leave. I have no choice.

  I’m feeling confident about my decision as I get into my car and head to work. I feel that way until I hear Stay by Rihanna come on the radio. That’s kind of our song, and I can’t listen to it without feeling very emotional. I turn the radio off and call Marissa. Maybe talking through this will make me feel better. Thankfully she answers right away and I skip the pleasantries.

  “I told him about Luke.”

  I can hear her exhale. “And?”

  “And it was ugly. He was ugly and very mean.” I tell her bits and pieces of the conversation.

  “Well, I guess it could’ve been worse. He could’ve told you he never wanted to see you again.”

  Leave it to her to find the silver lining, or try to at least. “Oh, it was pretty bad. Mari, I didn’t tell you the worst part. He was giving me my ring back.”

  “Wow! You must’ve really shocked him, Lex. He’ll eventually talk to you. Give him some time to process it all. You would want that.”

  That brings out a sarcastic laugh from me. “Please don’t use my crisis management skills as a how to guide here. I know he may need space, but I can’t run away from him again. I’m going to go to work, and then go back to the condo and try to talk to him. I’m going to do that until he does talk to me or until he tells me it’s over.”

  “Well, I guess that’s a good idea.” She’s unconvinced, but then again, she doesn’t like confrontation.

  “Wish me luck.”

  We hang up and because I still have about ten minutes in the car, I call Shannon and repeat the story to her. She tells me she’s proud of me for being honest and being strong, and she wishes me luck. God knows I need more than luck right now.

  My day at work pretty much sucks. It’s slow, which isn’t helping me keep my mind off Julian. I want to call him so badly and I pick up the phone several times. I’m not sure what I’d say thou
gh, so I don’t reach out.

  Around three o’clock, I can’t take it anymore and text him.

  Alexa: I love you.

  Silence. By five-thirty, my strength is dissipating. I was feeling brave, but now I feel anxious as I head back to the condo. I force myself into the elevator. Julian’s car wasn’t there so I know he isn’t home yet. I’m glad. I’m not feeling up to running in the heat, but after sitting around waiting for him for an hour, I need to get outside. I change into some running shorts and a tank and go for a walk. The sound of the waves and the familiar sounds of the gulls flying overhead soothe my nerves. I walk for about an hour and when I get back to the condo, it’s close to eight. Julian is still out. I check my phone to see if he’s called or texted, and all I find are messages from my friends and Jill. I let them all know I’m okay and promise to call tomorrow. I don’t have any answers right now.

  I take a shower, blow-dry my hair, and change into some PJs. When my stomach starts to growl loudly at me, I remember I haven’t eaten anything but an apple all day. I find Marisol’s chicken soup in the freezer, defrost some, and sit down in the living room. There isn’t anything I want to watch on TV so I just surf the channels. When Julian still hasn’t come home by eleven, I push away the worried feelings I’m having that something bad happened to him. I’m sure he’s okay and just doesn’t want to deal with me. As I get into bed, I feel a little guilty thinking maybe he isn’t coming home because I’m here. Then again, he might not know I’m here. I push my face into Julian’s pillow and breathe in his scent. It makes me crave his touch. I pull the pillow to me, hug it, and tell myself I’m doing the right thing.

  I feel the bed dip as Julian gets into it. I open one eye and look at the clock. I see it’s one o’clock in the morning. My heart sinks. He never stays out this late. He was avoiding me. I roll over and find him on his side with his back to me. There has rarely been a time when we’ve been in this bed that he hasn’t held me and pulled me into my spot in his arms, and it all feels so wrong. I lie there and don’t say anything. It’s clear he isn’t interested in talking. I take a deep breath as I’m rolling back over, and I detect a faint smell of whiskey. It’s not a scent I’ll ever forget, and it makes me immediately tense up. One, because of the horrible memories I associate with the smell, and two, because Julian really doesn’t drink. Oh. This is so bad.