by Hilary Wynne
I kept screaming that my dad was going to die and everyone just stood there looking at me. That’s when Marissa woke me, and I’m so glad she did. My tank is drenched and my heart is pounding. I get up and go to the kitchen to get something to drink. My throat hurts and I wonder if I really was yelling that loud. I physically shake my head to try and dispel the remnants of the dream, but they won’t leave, and I’m forced to replay it over and over. My head is pounding, so I take a few Advil and go sit on the couch in the living room. It’s already five and I want to be at the hospital at seven when they get there to check him in to his room, so I turn the TV on and decide not to go back to sleep. At six-thirty, I get myself ready and head out the door. I walk outside and almost drop my travel mug when I see Julian’s Jag in the driveway.
When he sees me walk out, he gets out of his car and walks toward me. “Good morning. How are you?”
I shake my head. Really? He’s just going to show up here like this? I want to run into his arms and make him hold me until I feel better, but my pride nixes that idea. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to take you to the hospital. I figured you’d be leaving about now.”
“How sweet.” I can’t hide my sarcasm and don’t want to anyway. “I can drive myself though.”
Julian chuckles. “I know you can. Please stop being stubborn and get in the car, Lexie.”
I hate when he makes me feel like I’m being ridiculous. “Not sure what you find funny, but I assure you there isn’t anything even remotely amusing about this. I’m not being stubborn. I’m being efficient. I need to go and I don’t want to deal with this right now. Actually, it’s pretty fucked up you’re even here.”
Julian shakes his head. “You’re surprised I’m here?”
“Um yeah. I haven’t heard from you since yesterday morning except for your one text. You don’t talk to me, you don’t want me to touch you, and you’re avoiding me like the plague. So yes, I’m surprised. I’m also going to be late and I want to see my dad before he goes in for surgery, so I’d appreciate you moving your car so I can go.”
Julian is parked behind me. He makes no indication he’s moving his car. “I asked when the surgery was so I could come and be with you. I figured you were with your parents last night so I didn’t want to bother you, and I also worked really late so I could spend the day with you at the hospital. Why would you think I wouldn’t be here for you during this? Don’t you know me at all?”
“I used to know you, Julian. I don’t know anything anymore except I want to get to the hospital.” I open the door to his car and slide in. I don’t want to argue about this anymore. I want a ride to the hospital and it doesn’t need to be in my own car. He looks a little surprised I gave in, and also gets in. We drive in silence for a few blocks before Julian breaks the ice.
“Are you okay?”
I take a deep breath and think about how if a thought bubble appeared over my head it would say “WTF.” Am I okay? No, I’m not freaking okay!
“No, Julian, I’m not okay. I’m worried sick about my dad. I didn’t sleep at all last night and I had a horrible nightmare. So much for them being gone! You and I are stuck somewhere in dysfunctional relationship land and I just freaking spilled coffee on myself. So no, I’m not close to being okay.”
I look down at the stain that’s spreading across my right thigh. In my tired state I must not have screwed the cap on tight enough. Thank God it isn’t really hot. Tears blur my vision as I’m suddenly overwhelmed by my life. I turn and look out the window so Julian doesn’t see what a wreck I am.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you for this. I should’ve let you know I was coming and that I was thinking about you.”
I keep looking out the window as we pull into the hospital parking lot. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”
Julian pulls into a spot and turns the car off. I start to get out and he grabs my hand. Tears are still burning my eyes so I don’t look at him. “Lexie, please look at me.” I don’t. “Please.”
He’s rubbing the top of my hand in a soothing motion and for a second, I let him comfort me. I turn to face him and see he’s being sincere. He looks sad, like he let himself down by not acting like the hero. “I’m here now. Please let me be.”
I look down for a moment to compose myself. It’s all temporary and I know it. I feel a tear slide down my cheek and feel betrayed by it. I’m trying to be strong.
“I truly appreciate your support right now. But it’s temporary and we both know it. If my dad wasn’t sick we might not even be talking. Our whole relationship is based on one crisis after another. It’s the drama that binds us together; that and your need to fix or save me. I don’t need to be saved or fixed right now. I need to be listened to, forgiven, and loved. That’s what I need from you. You can’t do that so we’re stuck, and right now, I can’t be stuck anywhere with you. I need to go in there and be strong for my mom, who despite her tough act, is scared shitless and incapable of dealing with anything bad. I need to be strong for my pregnant sister who’s dealing with the mess of her own life, and most importantly, I need to be strong for my dad, who has always been strong for me. I don’t have anything else left.” I wipe my eyes and squeeze Julian’s hand. Phew. I didn’t plan that speech and not sure how I just got it all out, but it felt good.
Julian doesn’t say anything in response. He just squeezes my hand back. “Like I said, I’m here. Let’s go.”
I get out of the car and start walking toward the hospital, taking deep breaths all the way. I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep or the sheer worry I’m feeling this morning, but I feel like I’m going to faint. I reach over and grab Julian’s hand to steady myself, and don’t let go until I find my family in the waiting room in the Cardiology Department. My mom looks like she’s heading to a fashion show, but I know her—her outfit, makeup, and perfect hair are her suit of armor.
Jill looks like she hasn’t slept either, but I get a smile from her when I jokingly tell her she looks fat. I pat her stomach and kiss her on the cheek and feel a flutter of excitement about her having a baby. She’s her skinny self and doesn’t even look a little pregnant yet. Derek gives me a hug and I introduce him to Julian. Julian hugs both my mom and my sister and I can tell his strong presence is comforting for them as well.
My mom explains to me they’ve already taken my dad back and are doing blood work and other pre-op stuff. I’m very upset I missed seeing him, but she assures me they’ll let us back in for a few minutes before he goes into surgery. Julian offers to get coffee for everyone and while he’s gone, the doctor lets us know we can see my dad. I go in ahead of my mom and sister fueled by a strong need to tell my dad that I love him. He looks frail in the bed with all of the wires hooked up to him and when I see him, I want to start bawling. I manage to control myself and walk over and lean in for a hug instead.
I don’t fool him for a second. “It’s okay, baby girl. This will all be over before you know it.” He offers me a big smile, but I know it’s forced when it doesn’t reach his eyes. He’s putting up such a brave front that I know in my gut he’s as worried as we are. I take a step back and let Jill and my mom have a moment with him. Jill starts to tear up and my mom is shaking. Damn it. I don’t want my dad to see them lose it. Luckily the doctor walks in and tells us we need to leave so they can take him in. I walk back over to my dad’s bedside and hug him again as best as I can with all of the equipment in my way. I whisper in his ear as I’m bent over.
“I love you Dad, very much.” My voice cracks despite my best efforts.
He whispers back. “I love you too, baby girl. Take care of your mom and your sister. They aren’t strong like you.”
My heart drops in my chest and panic sets in. What does that mean? I’m not strong. Why do I need to be the strong one? “Dad?”
My question hangs in the air and I know he knows what I’m asking. “Just in case.” I pull back at look at him and see all the fear he’s been tryi
ng to hide. He didn’t show it to my mom or Jill. Just to me. I feel terrified. I nod, kiss him on the cheek one more time, and whisper, “Okay.”
We walk silently back to the waiting room where Julian is sitting with several cups of coffee. I can see the look of worry on his face when he sees my expression, and his eyes stare at me questioningly. I shake my head at him, letting him know not to ask. I think not talking is my best defense against losing it. Luckily my mom and Jill don’t seem in a chatting mood either.
We were told the angioplasty would take about an hour, so when one of the surgeons walks back into the waiting room asking for my mom about thirty minutes later, we all jump up to talk to him. I try to stay focused as words like open-heart surgery, several blocked arteries, and worse than we thought stream calmly out of his mouth. I turn to my mom and see she’s gone totally pale and is starting to shake. When I look at my sister, I see the tears pouring from her eyes. She’s mumbling the words, “I knew it,” over and over. I summon the strength I need to support them and get the answers we need.
“Can you explain what exactly you’re going to do and how long you expect him to be in surgery?” My mom deals better with facts and timelines. The doctor explains that they might be in there as long as five hours, and they’ll be performing three separate bypasses. He looks surprised when I question why they didn’t know this was going to happen before they started the surgery.
“Your dad knew. We discussed in length that we weren’t sure we’d be able to reach all the arteries and that the stent might not be enough. Your dad already signed the papers giving us permission to operate if that was the case. He didn’t discuss this with any of you?”
I glance at my mom, who’s looking worse by the second. Now she’s starting to cry and she looks like she’s about to pass out “No. He didn’t tell me anything. Lexie, Jill. I swear, girls. He told me this wasn’t a big deal and he’d be coming home today.”
Good God, Dad.
“Well, Mrs. Reed, your husband won’t be coming home tonight. He’s going to be with us for at least the week. But I want you to know, although he didn’t tell you about this, we were prepared and he’s in great hands. I need to get back in there, but I promise to come out and update you as often as I can.” He turns to leave and my mom basically falls into one of the chairs. I kneel down in front of her.
“Mom, he’s going to be okay. They do this type of surgery all the time. Dad is strong and healthy and stubborn. He loves us and wouldn’t leave us.”
She looks at me blankly. “He didn’t tell me, Alexa. Why?”
“Because he loves you and didn’t want you to worry. That’s all. He should’ve said something, but he didn’t. We know everything now so we can deal with what’s next, okay?” I stand up and look at Jill, who’s quietly sobbing in Derek’s arms. “What if something happens to him, Lexie? I’m having a baby and he needs to be around for that.” It breaks my heart.
I can’t listen to this talk about my dad dying. “Jill, pull it together. He’s not going to die.” My tone is no-nonsense. I need her to get her shit together and be there for my mom. I look at Derek pleadingly and finally hear him begin to reassure her. I walk back to where I was sitting and pull my phone from my purse and call Tracy. I’m pissed she isn’t here, but think she needs to know what’s going on. I don’t need my mom or sister going all worst case scenario with her.
I spend the next ten minutes telling her what I know. She starts to cry and when she asks if she should come down I tell her how I feel. “If you can come and be strong and supportive for Mom, then yes. If you’re going to be a mess, no. Mom doesn’t need that right now.”
“He’s my dad too, Alexa.”
“Exactly, Tracy. Maybe you should’ve thought of that when you made the choice not to come down in the first place.” I don’t feel like dealing with her right now.
“We don’t all have the freedom you do, Alexa. It must be nice to live the highlife with your rich boyfriend and no kids. Some of us have bills to pay and kids to take care of.”
“Tracy, as usual, you have the facts all wrong and make everything about you. Think what you want, do what you want. Like always. I’ll let you know when Dad is out of surgery.” I hang up before she can say anything else and when she calls right back, I send it to voicemail. Then I send a quick text to my roommates.
Alexa: Dad’s condition is worse than thought. He’s having open heart surgery. I’ll let you know when he’s out.
Marissa: I’m on my way
Shannon: I’m so sorry. I can’t leave work right now. Be there in an hour or so.
Alexa: Thank you. No need. Nothing to do here but wait and I’m not alone. Mom, Jill and Derek here. And Julian showed up. Love you guys.
Marissa: Only a phone call away
Shannon: Me too
Alexa: I know
Only after I finish with my friends do I look for Julian. He’s standing in the corner watching me and to be honest, he has a look of awe on his face. I walk toward him and he immediately takes me in his arms and holds me tightly to him. It feels incredible to be in his embrace, but I can’t stay in it for too long. I’ll start to cry if I let go even a little. I pull away and sit down.
Julian leans into me and whispers, “Whatever you need, Corazón.”
I take a deep breath and breathe in his words. Corazón. I’ve missed hearing him call me that.
“Thank you, but I’m good.”
He nods. “Yes, you are. You’re amazing and strong and exactly what they need you to be. And when you can’t do that anymore, I’ll take over and be strong for you. Okay?”
I look at the man sitting next to me and my heart swells. Who says stuff like that? I smile tightly and nod, not letting him see how his words affect me. I want to believe he’s here for the right reasons, but nothing is clear to me right now. “Okay.”
The next few hours are torture as I try and keep both my mom and Jill calm, and deal with Tracy who won’t stop calling and texting. I’m annoyed with Derek, who might as well not even be here, and I pull him out into the hallway to tell him so.
“What’s wrong with you, Derek? You haven’t said more than twenty words since you got here. I could use your help.”
“I’m sorry. This isn’t easy for me, Lexie.” I really look at him for the first time since this morning and see he’s very upset too.
“What isn’t easy?”
“I haven’t seen or talked to your parents since Jill and I had our issues. I don’t know what they even think of me anymore because Jill won’t talk about it. You know how much I admire and respect Frank, and I’m just not good at all this emotional stuff.”
Ugh. I can’t hold back. “Listen Derek, this isn’t about you and what anyone thinks about you. You’re here to support your pregnant wife whose dad is on an operating table right now. Nobody is thinking about your affair. It’s not important right now. If you admire and respect my dad so much, start taking care of his daughter, period! And by the way, nobody is good at this. It’s freaking scary and stressful, but you need to get your shit together.”
I turn away before he answers or before I say something else I shouldn’t, and I lock eyes with Julian. He smiles at me and nods. I know he heard my little speech. I’m not sure why he finds it amusing. I don’t ask. Julian walks toward me and looks at his watch. I look down too and see it’s already close to noon. The last update we got was over an hour ago when they came to say they had successfully completed two of the bypasses. I assume Julian is looking at his watch because he needs to or wants to leave and I don’t blame him. This isn’t fun.
“You can leave, Julian. I see you keep looking at your watch. I’m sure you have things to do.”
A frown appears on his face. “I keep looking at my watch because I’m wondering how much longer your dad should be in surgery. I keep looking at my watch because I figure you might be hungry because you haven’t eaten or drank anything at all today. Why are you treating me like this, Lexie?”
<
br /> “Like what?”
“Like someone who doesn’t care.”
I don’t miss a beat. “Because you’ve been acting like one.”
Julian grabs my hand and leads me out of the room into the hallway, away from where anyone can hear us. “Yes, things haven’t been good between us and I’m not able to pretend everything is okay, because it isn’t. But even with all of that, I can’t believe you think I don’t care. I told you this morning I was here for you and I told you again an hour ago. I’ll tell you one more time if you need it too.”
“I know you care about me, Julian.”
“But?”
I’m on a roll with the honesty today so I keep it going. “But like I said earlier, if you aren’t going to stay, then you should just go. I don’t want to prolong this anymore. The push-pull is too hard. You’ve been doing it since the moment we got back together and now it’s worse. I’ve been holding on and I’m not sure how much longer I can. If you’re going to leave then you need to just leave.”
“It’s been two weeks, Lexie. I should be over it already? Would you be over it already?”
I think about his question and answer honestly. “Probably not. And I probably wouldn’t want to talk about it either, and I’d probably go dark and need my space.”
That makes him chuckle a little. “Then why do you think I’d be different?”
“Because you are different. You aren’t like me. You’re strong and decisive and you don’t hide from things. You got into my head and into my heart and forced me to open up to you about things I had hid from everyone. You aren’t like me, Julian.”
He stares at me without saying a word, which is frustrating. “You brought me out here to talk. So talk to me.”
He pulls me into his arms for another hug. “This isn’t about me. You’re right. We don’t need to talk about this now and I’m sorry I said anything. It hurts me you think I don’t care. I’ll always care about you, no matter what. So let’s get through this day, together, and we can deal with the other stuff later. Can you do that? Can you let me be here for you?”
