by Hilary Wynne
I look up at him and shrug. He doesn’t get it. I can’t let him in if he isn’t going to stay.
And because he knows me so well, he knows what that shrug means. “I’m not leaving.”
Julian’s words lift a tremendous weight off of my shoulders. He isn’t leaving me. I relax in his arms and rest my head on his chest. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until I hear myself exhale. I look up at him and offer a small smile. “I don’t know if I can eat, but if they have smoothies or something like that in the cafeteria, I’d like that.”
I get another quick squeeze before he lets me go. “Okay, I’ll go find you a smoothie.”
Julian and I walk back into the waiting room and he gets an order together from my family. As soon as he walks out, the doctor walks in. He has a very severe expression on his face, and my heart falls to my feet. I walk up to him and try to buffer my mom from what I’m sure is horrible news.
“What happened? Is my dad okay?”
My mom and Jill join me. I take my mom’s trembling hand in mine.
“Your dad is doing well and is being moved into the ICU right now. He had a little more bleeding than we would’ve liked, but the bypasses all went really well and things are looking very positive.”
“Then why do you look like he’s about to die?” Jill sounds hysterical and I turn to her and take her hand.
“Open heart surgery is very serious. I’m not sure what you’d expect me to look like.”
If this wasn’t my dad they were talking about I’d find this amusing. Jill is basically telling the doctor how to act and he’s defending his actions. “I’d expect you to come out and look like you were happy with your results. You look like you were going to tell us he was dead. Do you know what that feels like? We’ve been waiting here for almost five hours and you walk in here like that.”
“Jill, stop.” I give her hand a squeeze. “Dr. Stephens just got out of a five hour surgery. He’s probably tired and not in the mood to do cartwheels. Stop harassing him.” I look at the doctor and mouth an apology. He smiles thinly at me.
“It’s okay. I understand this has been a very stressful day for you and I’ll take what you had to say into consideration next time I come to speak about a patient.” Yeah, right. He just wants to get the hell out of here before my sister starts to go off on him again.
My mom finally speaks. “Can we see him now?”
“Not quite yet. They’ll come and get you when they have him all settled in the ICU. You’ll have to take turns going up there and it’ll only be for a short visit. He’ll be sedated for a few more hours so don’t expect much.”
“Thank you, Dr. Stephens.” My mom extends her hand. “Thank you for taking care of Frank.”
Julian walks back into the room shortly after the doctor leaves with a bag full of food. He hands me a fruit smoothie and rubs my back as he listens to me repeat what the doctor just said. His smile lights up the room.
“That’s great news.” I see him exhale and for the first time today, I see his shoulders relax. I know he likes my dad, but it surprises me he’s been so tense. He gives both my mom and Jill a hug, and my mom thanks him for being here with us. She already looks better and I feel like I can relax just a little. I text Tracy with the news and tell her to get in touch with either my mom or Jill for further updates. I’m done with her today.
We only have to wait about thirty minutes before the nurse comes and lets us know where my dad is. We make our way to the cardiac ICU and because nobody tells us not to, we all go into his room together. I see my big, strong dad lying there hooked up to even more machines than before and I almost lose it. I know he’s okay, but I’ve been holding these feelings in all day and I’m not sure I can much longer. I walk to the bed and lean down to place a kiss on his cheek. I don’t think he can hear me, but I tell him anyway. “I did it, Daddy. I was strong for you today. And you were strong for me. I love you.”
I feel the floodgates starting to open up so I turn and walk out of the room. Julian follows me and once I’m down the hallway, I rein my emotions back in. I can’t see my dad like that and keep it together. I see the nurse walk into his room and right afterwards my mom, Jill, and Derek walk out. Or get kicked out. The nurse follows and tells us we should go home for a little while because he’ll be out for hours. My mom doesn’t want to leave, but when I remind her that I live only a few miles away, she reluctantly agrees. The ride home is quiet. I’m scared to say anything because all the feelings I’ve been damming up all day are ready and waiting to come out, but I’m not ready to break down yet.
Marissa and Shannon aren’t at home so I text them to let them know what’s going on and that we’re all here. I make my mom some tea and have her lie down in my room. She falls asleep quickly after I promise her I’ll wake her up if I hear anything from the hospital. Jill and Derek get comfortable on the couch, and within a few minutes they’re also both asleep. I almost feel like I have nowhere to go so I walk into the kitchen, sit at the table, and put my head down on it. I’m exhausted. Julian sits next to me and rubs my neck. “Can I get you anything?”
I turn my head without lifting it up and look at him. “No, you’ve been great. You can leave now if you need to.”
I feel bad for being so blunt when I see his frown. “Thanks for letting me know. I think I said I’m not leaving about six times though.”
I sit up and look at him. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be rude. I appreciate you being here for us today, but I know how busy you are and I think things are pretty much under control right now.”
“How about if I order some dinner? You haven’t eaten anything except four sips of a smoothie all day, and I don’t think the others ate much either. You can all rest for a few hours, eat something, and then we can go back to the hospital.”
So he’s just going to ignore what I said. The truth is, I really don’t want Julian here right now. Every time he says or does something nice I want to let him in. But it’s all short-term. “It’s really not necessary, but thank you. I’m not hungry and I know my mom won’t eat. We can drive through somewhere on the way back if Jill and Derek want something.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Refusing to let me help and be here for you.”
“I explained it all this morning. If my dad wasn’t sick, you wouldn’t even be talking to me. This is all part of you just being the nice guy you are, and while I appreciate it, I can’t wait for the other shoe to drop right now. I have people counting on me to take care of them, of things. I can’t be a train wreck right now.”
Julian shakes his head. “And who takes care of you?”
“I don’t need to be taken care of. I manage just fine.” I’m feeling so weak and so vulnerable right now and my words are so cold. I don’t want them to be, but I don’t know how to handle all the emotions I’m feeling, and pushing him away is the only thing I know how to do.
Julian can’t even hide his disappointment. “I thought we were past this. I thought we were going to take care of each other.”
I stand up and push my chair in. I point from myself to Julian and back again. “Everything about you and me consumes me. The love I have for you consumes me. I want nothing more than to have you wrap your arms around me and never let go. But we have this big, black cloud hanging over our heads and until we work through it, we can’t even be ‘us’. Less than forty-eight hours ago you were literally pushing me away, Julian. I don’t think for one second you won’t do it again and I need to be prepared for that. This, me being cautious, is me being me. It’s me being exactly the woman you know.”
Julian stands up and takes me in his arms. He hugs me hard because he wants to make a statement. Then he pulls back so I can look at him. “I happen to love the you I know.”
He leans down and is about to kiss me for the first time in almost two weeks when Mari walks into the kitchen. He pulls back and sits back down at the table as she comes an
d hugs me.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here sooner. I had a meeting I couldn’t leave. Tell me everything.”
She sits down at the table and listens as I tell her everything that happened with my dad today. I start to get emotional when I talk about seeing him after surgery, and when that happens, Julian takes my hand in his and slowly rubs his fingertips across the back. I feel better sitting here with the two people closest to me, offering comfort, and lending me their strength.
I look at the clock and notice almost two hours have gone by since we left the hospital. The nurses told us we could come back around four, so I excuse myself to go wake my mom up. She’s already awake when I get there and she looks like she’s been crying. I sit next to her on my bed. “He’s going to be okay, Mom.”
She reaches over and squeezes my hand. “I know that, honey. I feel it. I was so scared something would happen to him. I’m mad at him for not being honest with me about what was going on and I feel bad that I’m mad.”
“He just didn’t want to worry you.”
“That is part of it, but he also didn’t tell me because I can’t handle things like this. You saw me today. I’m a very weak woman and it disgusts me. I look at you, Alexa, and am so in awe of how strong you are. I would never have made it through the things you have and I certainly was of no comfort to you today.”
“Mom, we all get through things the way we know how. There’s no reason to feel bad about anything. I’m okay and Jill is okay and Dad is okay, which is what really matters. He’s going to need you now so you need to dig deep and find the strength I know you have.”
We talk for a few more minutes and then she goes to the bathroom to freshen up. When we get back out into the living room, Jill and Derek are awake and ready to leave. They want to stop and eat first too.
“Mom, do you want to stay here tonight or go home?” My place is so much closer.
“I don’t want to put you out so I can go home.”
Marissa jumps in quickly. “You can all stay here. Shannon will stay at Cory’s and Jill and Derek can have that room or mine. I can stay at my parents’.”
I take Julian’s hand and lead him off to a corner in the living room where we have a little more privacy. “I’m going to go back now. I’m not going to tell you to leave, but you can if you need to.”
“I’ll go with you and then you can come with me back to the condo.”
“Julian, I’m not going back to your condo. I’m going to stay here with my family where I’m close to the hospital. You can go home and I’ll let you know if anything changes.”
I watch him think about what I just said and what it means. He won’t stay here, in that bed with me, but I’m not going back with him to his condo. It’s far and that’s the main reason, but I also don’t want to be this vulnerable around him right now. I’m hanging on by a very thin thread and the quiet of his condo mixed with his caring attitude will lull me into a false sense of security. I’m extremely conflicted. I want him close by. I love him, I need him, and I want him. But he’s made me not trust him over the past two weeks and I need to look out for myself.
“I promise I’ll get you back to the hospital first thing in the morning.”
“I’m staying here and you’re more than welcome to stay here with me.”
“I can’t.”
“I didn’t think so.”
I turn and walk back toward my mom who is looking at me anxiously. She’s ready to go back to the hospital. I grab my purse and my own keys and walk out the door. Julian has no choice but to follow us outside and when we get to my car, he hugs my mom and then comes to me. He takes me in his arms and exhales. He knows I’m not budging on this. “I’ll call you and let you know everything is okay. Thank you for being here with me today. It meant a lot to all of us.” I wiggle out of his arms and open my car door. I look up at him and am surprised by the look on his face. He looks defeated. He looks like I feel.
“Please let me know how he is. I’ll talk to you soon.”
I smile thinly when I get into the car. God, this all sucks.
My spirits are buoyed when I see my dad. He’s sitting up in his bed when we walk in. He’s groggy and I’m not sure he knows what’s going on around him, but his smile makes it all okay. I give him a hug and tell him I love him, and then sit back and let my mom have her time. I’m his daughter and I need him to be okay, but he’s my mom’s world and I know she needs to have him as close to her as possible. We visit as long as we’re allowed and the nurses promise to call if there is anything we need to know overnight. Jill and Derek meet us back at the hospital with stuff for my mom, and after we stop for a quick bite at a sandwich place near the hospital, we head back to my house. Everyone is exhausted. Jill and Derek say goodnight and head into Marissa’s room, and my mom lies down in mine. I grab a blanket and lie on the couch. For the first time all day I’m alone and I can feel all the emotions I’ve been stuffing down start bubbling to the surface. I don’t want Julian to worry so I send him a quick text before I check out for the night.
Alexa: My dad’s doing well. We just got home. I’m exhausted. I’ll text you in the morning and let you know how he is.
My phone rings about two seconds after I hit send on the text. “Hola. I’m so glad he’s doing well. How are you doing though?”
I’m on the verge of tears from the sheer weight of everything, but I don’t want him to know. “I’m okay. Just really tired. I’m going try and go to sleep now. I’ll reach out in the morning, okay?”
“Lo siento, Lexie.”
“For what?”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you through this and I understand why you’re pushing me away. I want to be with you right now and hold you.”
As good as his words sound, they’re just words. I haven’t pushed him away. He pushed me away and now he doesn’t like where I’m standing. He could be here. He chose not to be. “You were with me today and I appreciate it. It meant a lot. I’m going to go to bed now, okay?” I know he can probably hear the cracking in my voice as I hold back the tears that have been dying to come out and I can hear the resignation in his voice as well.
“Okay. Goodnight, Alexa.”
Chapter 21
We spend the day at the hospital and only leave the room when the nurses kick us out for various reasons. During one of our exiles, I text Julian to let him know things are okay.
Alexa: Hi. Dad is doing great. They think he’ll be able to go home Thursday :-)
Julian: That’s great news. Please send him my best. Do you need anything?
What a loaded question. I need to go back to a place and time where the man I love doesn’t feel like a stranger to me.
Alexa: I’m good, thanks. Got to run. Talk to you later. Have a good day.
Julian: Thanks. You too.
I get a call from Marissa later in the afternoon and she lets me know her mom sent her home with a ton of Cuban food she made for us. We meet her and Shannon back at the house around seven. I smell the arroz con pollo the second I walk in the door, and I realize how hungry I am. I haven’t really eaten in a few days because the stress has made me nauseous, and it’s finally caught up with me. I make up for lost time and stuff my face as we all sit around the table and talk. Jill and Derek are planning on leaving in the morning after they see my dad. They both need to get back to work, and I think we’re all ready to get back into a normal routine.
I talked to Diego earlier in the day and he let me know he was fine with me taking more time off if I needed it. I told him I wanted to spend tomorrow morning with my dad, but would be in around lunch. I need the break from all of this and feel ready to go back to work. After a long, relaxing shower I come out to find my mom lying on my bed.
“Why don’t you come and lie down with me, honey. You don’t need to sleep on the couch. We can share.” She smiles at me and pats the bed. I wonder if she’s feeling a little lost. My parents have been together since they were young and I bet my mom hasn�
��t spent more than a few days away from my dad since they got married.
“Let me figure out what I’m going to wear tomorrow and blow-dry my hair.”
My mom follows me into my closet, which really doesn’t have enough room for two of us. “Alexa Rose. I knew you liked shoes, but this is a little ridiculous.”
I turn around and smile. “Maybe, but you can borrow whatever you’d like.”
Her grin is pure and full of happiness, and we spend the next hour in my closet going through my shoe boxes. We’re able to stop worrying about my dad for just a little bit. It’s just what the doctor ordered and to others it may seem superficial, but it’s a great way for me and my mom to bond. I feel so much closer to her lately and if there is anything good about this situation, it’s that.
As we lie in the dark next to each other, she takes my hand in hers and squeezes it. “You’ve turned into such a wonderful woman, Lexie. I was wrong to ever worry about you. I’m very proud of you and I love you very much. I hope you know that.”
I squeeze her hand back and whisper into the dark as I’m falling asleep. “I love you too, Mom. I love you too.” I embrace the comfort her presence provides and I’m forced to acknowledge it’s the first time in weeks that I’m going to bed not worried about what the next day is going to bring.
When we get to the hospital the next morning we find my dad sitting up, full of color, and harassing the nurses. He’s ready to go home and is letting everyone know it.
“Lexie will you please tell these lovely ladies that I’m a very good patient and that I’ll do whatever I’m supposed to do when I go home?”
I smile at my dad and assure the nurses he’ll be good, but the minute they leave, I sing a different tune. I sit next to him on his bed and take his hand. It’s just the three of us in the room while Derek and Jill get something for breakfast.
