Promise Me

by Hilary Wynne

  “Why didn’t you tell us, Dad? That things were that bad. It would’ve helped us prepare.”

  He squeezes my hand. “I should have and I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to worry. You’ve been so stressed, honey, and I thought I’d be fine. Mom and I talked about it yesterday and she told me how strong you were for her and your sisters, and I’m not surprised. Thank you.”

  “Just get better, Dad, and don’t do that again, okay? Promise me you’re being honest about how you’re really feeling or I’m going to convince these nurses not to let you out.”

  “I promise.”

  After a few more hours with my dad, and a teary goodbye with Jill and Derek, I leave the hospital and head into the office. I can’t wait to focus on work. I’ve managed to hold myself together and I want to keep it that way.

  When I arrive, everyone is very sweet and asks about my dad. Serena actually has the nerve to walk into my office too, but the second she opens her mouth, I speak out in a very calm tone. “Unless you have something work related to say to me that can’t be said via email, I’d prefer it if you’d never speak to me again. I’ll return the favor. You’re an ugly person and it’s a shame I have to be around you every day. But I’m not going anywhere so unless you are, we have to co-exist. The only way that’s going to happen is if you stay the fuck away from me. If you refuse to, I’m going to talk to management about you making this a hostile work environment for me and we can roll the dice on how that will go over. Are we clear?”

  The look of shock on her face is priceless. She can’t believe I finally fired back. “I was—”

  “Like I said, I don’t give a shit what you have to say about anything. You can leave now.”

  Lauren must’ve been standing outside of my door and heard the exchange. She has the biggest smile on her face when she plops down in front of my desk.

  “That was awesome. Where the hell has that Lexie been? You should’ve had that conversation with her months ago.”

  “Ugh. I couldn’t help it. After what happened at the wedding I couldn’t deal with her bullshit anymore. But I don’t want to talk about it anymore either. I need to work. It’s the only place I’m not overly emotional and I need to get off the roller coaster for a few hours.”

  Lauren doesn’t miss a beat and starts to talk business. I end up having a few clients in the afternoon and before I know it, it’s time to go home. I haven’t talked to Julian since yesterday, and although he’s never far from my thoughts, I can’t bring myself to reach out. But it turns out I don’t have to because when I come out of my office, he’s in the lobby talking to Diego. My pulse quickens. This might not be a good scenario. I walk over and stand next to them. My smile is big, but fake, and Julian knows it. He leans in and kisses me softly on the cheek. I look him up and down and my pulse races faster. He’s so good looking. He’s wearing a pair of dark, form-fitting jeans and a dark green polo shirt that matches his eyes. He’s very casual and I wonder if he’s been off today.

  “Diego and I were just talking about how great you are, Alexa.”

  I raise my eyebrows and look at both of them. I’m not going to get in the middle of the pissing contest. I’m sure they were having another “discussion” about who knows me better or something along those lines. I just nod my head and smile. “Glad you both think so. Are you ready to go, Julian?”

  I wasn’t expecting him, but I don’t want Diego to know that. He plays along as we say goodbye and walk out of the office. Once we’re outside, I stop the performance. “I’m surprised to see you.”

  “I figured my best chance was using the element of surprise.”

  “Chance at what?”

  “Talking to you with your guard down.”

  I can’t help but laugh aloud. “Guess I should’ve tried it on you. I’ve been trying to get you to talk to me for almost two weeks.”

  Julian takes my hand and looks at me seriously. “I know. I’m ready. Come back to the condo with me.”

  He’s ready to talk now? Am I? “I have to go to the hospital to see how my dad is.”

  A smile breaks out across Julian’s face. “He’s great. He’s harassing the nurses about going home and I think they just might kick him out.”

  My body swells with love. “You went and saw him?”

  “I just came from there. I wanted to check in myself and say hi, but I also figured you’d tell me you couldn’t come over because you needed to go to the hospital. I’m hoping my first hand observation helps convince you to come over for at least a little while.”

  I can’t believe he went to the hospital without me. He sucks at not caring. “Let me call over there and see what’s going on, okay?”

  I call my mom and I can hear in her voice she’s happy. “Hi, honey. Dad’s doing great. They’re sending him home tomorrow afternoon if he has a good night and day tomorrow.”

  “Can I talk to him?” She hands the phone to him and my dad’s big voice comes on. “Hey baby girl. How was your day?”

  “I’m great. It’s you I’m more concerned about. How are you feeling?”

  “I’m back to myself and these people need to let me go home. This bed is awful and I want real food. Julian brought me some, and these damn nurses took it away from me. I swear they just wanted it for themselves.”

  I look up at Julian who is listening to my end of the conversation and smile. I can’t believe he brought my dad food. I’m sure it was from Ursa’s. “Well, I heard you were getting sprung tomorrow if you behave. So behave Dad!”

  “I’m going home no matter what. Here’s your mom. I have someone about to poke me with something.”

  “Okay, Lexie. I’m going to go. Why don’t you go hang out with Julian tonight? We’re all good here. I’ll call you later to give you an update. I love you. Bye.”

  My mom hangs up before I can even respond. “Well okay. I guess they don’t need me there.”

  “So you’ll come over?” I love that Julian’s voice is still questioning.

  I nod and start walking to my car. “I’ll meet you there.”

  Julian is already in his space when I pull into the garage. He opens my door and offers his hand to me. I take it and smile. He holds my hand until he needs it to open the door of his condo. I set my purse on the entry table and follow him in.

  “Are you hungry? Can I get you something to drink?”

  “I’ll take a glass of wine if you have something open. I’m not very hungry, but thanks.”

  I meet Julian in the living room and he hands me a glass of white wine as I sit down on the couch. We stare at each other for what seems like forever, not speaking. I can’t do this again.

  “I thought you were ready to talk. If you’re not, I’m going to go. I’ve had enough of the silent treatment, Julian.” I start to get up and he grabs my hand and pulls me back down, closer to him. He doesn’t let go and blurts out what’s on his mind.

  “Do you really not know what bothers me the most about all of this?”

  By this I’m assuming he means Luke. “I can think of a whole lot of things I know bother you about all of this, but no, I’m not sure what lands at the top. Why don’t you tell me so we can start to move past this?”

  Julian looks down at his hands for what feels like forever and I feel him retreating. He’s wringing them, and I know by the look on his face he’s trying to convince himself to stop being proud and talk to me. I give him a little nudge. “Please talk to me, Julian. Please?” When he looks up, what I see in his eyes pierces my soul. He looks so wounded, so betrayed. All vestiges of anger I’ve been seeing when we talk about Luke are absent. It hurts me, but it’s a nice change from the anger. I squeeze his hand in an attempt to let him know he can say anything to me. He finally starts to speak.

  “In the beginning of our relationship, I constantly had to compete with Luke for your attention. You couldn’t or wouldn’t see that he wanted more than just friendship. I was so patient with you and the situation. It was the hardest thing
I’ve ever done because I don’t do complicated.”

  I immediately get defensive. I don’t want to go back to the beginning. We’ve talked about that already. I also feel a little annoyed with his angle. I don’t want to feel like this is all about his ego and the “competition” side of things. “I know all this already. I was blind. I was a fool, etc., etc. I’m sorry my actions didn’t play out well in your competition.” My tone is a little confrontational and I know it. I didn’t want it to be, but I don’t want to feel like some prize he won that’s now defective or something.

  Thank God one of us is being mature because Julian ignores my hostility and continues to be calm. “It was a competition, Lexie. I was competing for your love against someone who had a very long, very intimate history with you. Luke knew your friends and your family. He knew your past and your secrets. He knew you. I hated to admit it, but he knew you in ways I didn’t. I had none of that to rely on so I did the only thing I could do. I loved you and tried to be what you needed me to be.”

  “And you did all that. I was never trying to make you fight for me.”

  “As the weeks went on I felt more confident that you and I were going to be together. I let go and totally fell in love with you, but I always felt the need to become more to you than Luke was.”

  It’s back to the competition. “So, by having sex with Luke I negated all the good in our relationship and made you feel that he was more important? I thought we were about more than sex. “

  Julian takes a deep breath and exhales. “No, you didn’t negate all the good and that’s a bullshit question because you know there’s so much more to us than sex. But it is about the sex, Lexie. Just not in the way you think.”

  “Then explain it to me so I don’t feel like a conquest.”

  I hear the pain in his voice when he lays out his feelings. “When you slept with Luke, you took away the one thing I had that he didn’t have. I knew what it felt like to make love to you and to feel your naked body underneath mine. I knew what it was like to hear you moan when you came. I knew what it was like to be inside of you and feel that connection when you looked into my eyes. Luke may have had all the memories, but I had all of that. It was just mine and you took it away.” I’m taken aback by the passion in his declaration. I didn’t know he felt this way.

  I pause and formulate my response so he hears it in the way I need him to. “I guess I can see how you might feel that way Julian, but you’re wrong.”

  “I’m wrong? How am I wrong, Alexa? Had you already had sex with him before?”

  “No, of course not. You know the truth about it all.”

  I can tell he’s getting a little impatient. “Then how am I wrong? Enlighten me about how my feelings are wrong.”

  “Your feelings aren’t wrong. Your facts are. I do have a history and years of memories with Luke. He does know my family and my friends and yes, he knew me. But you always had something he didn’t have, and it had nothing to do with sex. You had my heart, Julian.” I stop and take a deep breath, and wipe away a tear that has spilled out of my eye. “You had my heart and my trust, and the love I feel for you isn’t like anything I’ve ever felt before. Luke never saw inside of me like you have. There never was a competition. I’m sorry you didn’t know that, and I’m sorry my body was more important to you than my love.”

  By the time I get done spitting that all out, the one tear has turned into several. All of the pain, worry, frustration, and hurt I’ve been feeling for weeks just floods out of me. I grab a pillow and pull it tight to my chest. I don’t look away and can see Julian is equally affected by my response. He’s quiet for a few moments and doesn’t seem to know what to say. In the past he would’ve already been holding me and comforting me. He hates to see me cry. Right now he’s staying on his side of the couch and just looking at me with nothing but sadness. I’m dying to touch him, but I can sense his walls. After a few more minutes of deafening silence he speaks.

  “There isn’t anything in this world that’s more important to me than your love. How do you not know that?”

  I push the words out through my sobs. “And how do you not know you have it, Julian? All of it. My whole heart. My body. My soul. It’s all yours if you still want it.”

  I force myself to push through all of the discomfort I’m having and go to him. I need to go to him. That’s what he’s waiting for. He needs me to fight for him. I sit as close to him as I can without being in his lap, take his hand in mine, and place it over my heart. “We’ve been together and we’ve been apart, and no matter what was ever happening between us, you were in here. I got lost and I’ll always regret that, but I’m here and I love you. I love you and I want you and I need you. We have to move forward or we have to stop. I can’t be with you and not be with you. It hurts too much.”

  I lean forward and hug him until little by little, he’s hugging me back. It feels so good when he finally squeezes me tightly. He doesn’t say anything else for a while. He just holds me and that’s okay with me. Finally he breaks the silence and whispers in my ear, “No quiero doler mas.”

  “I don’t want to hurt anymore either. I’m so tired.”

  He pulls back and looks at me. “Is that everything, Lexie? No more secrets, no more lies. No more things from the past that can come back to haunt us? You know everything from me. Todo. Promise me there won’t be any more surprises. This is your opportunity to say anything to me, use it if you need to.”

  There isn’t anything else I need to say. He knows everything there is to know about my past and I can promise him that. “I promise you there’s nothing else either. Nothing. You know everything.”

  I can feel Julian exhale and I swear I can almost see the tension leave his body. I’m glad I finally pushed him to talk to me about how he was feeling. There has been so much between us and it’s been going on for so long. I’m hopeful this honestly will be a fresh start for us. I exhale myself and try to release some of my tension too when he stands up and starts to move away from the couch. “Bueno.”

  “Bueno?”

  “Yes. It’s all good. I really don’t want to talk about this anymore. En serio. We’ve talked and analyzed every single bit of our relationship since day one. I’m tired of it too. We need to start enjoying each other again and I say it starts right now.”

  “You make it sound so easy.”

  “It’s not easy, but it shouldn’t be this hard.”

  I feel a twinge of guilt when I hear this. I guess it’s because I feel like most of the drama has been caused by me. “You’re right. It shouldn’t be this hard and that’s pretty much on me.”

  Julian is standing next me to and is looking down at me. He shakes his head. “Don’t go there. I wasn’t blaming anything on you and you have nothing to apologize for. There’s enough drama to go around, Lexie. But, I’m serious. I’m done talking about this. Let’s get out of here. Let’s go for a drive and get something to eat.”

  Julian is extending his hand to help me off the couch and I take it. I can’t believe after all of this, he’s ready to just let it go and move on. I want to move past it too, and seeing as I’m the queen of avoidance, I get it. Sometimes you just hit a wall and can’t go any further. I take his hand and stand up next to him. “I can’t go anywhere looking like this.” I can only imagine what my face looks like. I just did the ugly cry. “Let me go try and do something about my face.”

  When I come out ten minutes later I do look better, but I still look bad. I haven’t been able to stop crying yet, and tears keep seeping out. I guess it’s from holding everything in for so long that when I opened the valve, it all just poured out. I look at Julian apologetically. “I can’t make it much better. I’d rather not go anywhere.”

  Julian stands in front of me and puts his hands on either side of my face. He kisses my eyes and when he’s done I tilt my face up so his lips are near mine. “Kiss me please.” He hasn’t kissed me in two weeks and I’ll never believe things are okay until that happens. I�
��m grateful when his lips find mine and he places a soft kiss on them. Unfortunately, I can still sense hesitation in his kiss and I can’t stand for it anymore. He says he wants this to be over. Well, I need this to be over and I need him to want me again. I don’t need to go for a drive and I don’t need to eat. What I need is for Julian to touch me like he used to with a desire that can’t be questioned. I’m barefoot at the moment so I stand on my tiptoes and wrap my arm around his neck and press my lips firmly to his. I slide my tongue across his lower lip as I try to gain access to his mouth. I whisper the words again. “Kiss me, Julian.”

  A drive and dinner are out the window as I melt into Julian while he slides his hands down my sides and pulls me close to him in a passionate embrace. His tongue darts out and finds its way into my mouth. Within moments, we’re both completely lost in the feel of our mouths on each other and when we eventually stop, we’re both breathless. Without another word, Julian picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist as he carries me to the bedroom. My arms are still around him and as he walks, I bury my face in his neck and breathe him in. When he reaches the bed he stands me next to it, slowly unzips my dress, and pulls it over my head. I finish undressing myself while he does the same. When we’re both completely naked he lies me down on the bed, lies next to me, and presses his body to mine so we’re touching from forehead to toes. I feel him harden against me as he holds me as close to him as possible. His face is buried in my neck now, and I feel wetness on my skin. I pull back a little so I can see him, but he tightens his grip.

  “Please look at me.” I want him to know I get it. I’m overwhelmed just like he is. I’m scared and happy and aroused and everything else in between. I’m so dialed into him right now and I want him to know it’s okay to let me in. I say the words again. “I promise you this is real. I’m yours. Please look at me and see me love you, Julian.”

  When he pulls back and finally looks at me, I see what he was hiding. Tears are brimming in his eyes, eyes that are full of love and doubt and passion. His voice cracks when he speaks. “I didn’t know I wasn’t whole until I met you. I’m sorry I kept pushing you away, but I needed to see if I was okay without you.” He kisses me again. “I wasn’t, mi amor. Everything was wrong and the hole in me just kept getting bigger. No puedo estar sin ti. It doesn’t work.”