by Hilary Wynne
I feel like I have shackles on my feet as I walk toward the bar where Julian is standing. He’s on one side and Luke is on the other. Julian has his back to me now, but Luke is facing me and watching me walk up. I see a shy smile cross his face when our eyes meet, but it only lasts for a second when he sees the panicked expression on my face. He stands straight up and looks to his right. From where I’m standing, I can see Julian and Luke’s gazes meet and my heart skips a beat. Body language is so telling and I see both of them stand straighter and tense up. Oh no! I pick up my pace and get to Julian as fast as I can. I wedge myself in between him and the bar and try to distract him with a kiss. He doesn’t kiss me back. I whisper in his ear. “Please, Julian. Don’t do this right now.”
He feels no need to be quiet and talks loud enough for anyone around to hear. “I’m not doing anything. You can stop putting your shit on me. You’re the one who is freaking out because you don’t know what to do with both of us, once again.”
I whisper again. “There is nothing to handle. I’m here with you. I’m sorry he’s here and this is uncomfortable. Go ahead and be as mad as you want at me, but please don’t get in a fight.”
A cold chuckle comes out. “A fight? Now that’s a novel idea. I’d love to fucking kick his ass.” Julian looks down at me. “And I would, Alexa. Kick his ass. How would you feel about that?”
“Who are you right now?”
“Who am I? I’m the idiot who stayed with you and held on to this relationship when in reality, it was never really working for me.”
Whoa. Now we’re someplace horrible. “Really? You can’t just be mad about this and not bring up everything else?”
“Are you that blind? Everything else? Everything bad in this relationship has a link to Luke.”
“Everything? You getting a girl pregnant is Luke’s fault? That’s a stretch.” Anger is starting to replace my panic.
“Ironic you bring that up. I’m pretty sure Luke had a good idea the baby wasn’t mine. He chose not to say anything, which makes him involved in that fucked-up scenario too. So yes, Lexie, even that.”
My head is pounding. I have my own suspicions Luke knew, but bringing that up right now is probably a very bad idea. I can’t help but wonder what Julian knows that makes him think that though. “Let’s just go. Please.” I can see him staring at Luke, and I know if Luke glances our way and gives Julian any reason to confront him, he will.
I’m not sure if he finally hears the desperation in my voice, but Julian starts walking toward the door. He’s walking super fast and it’s hard to keep up in such high heels, but I’m able to catch up to him right when we get to the door. He spins around and looks down at me, a smoldering anger visible in his eyes.
“I’m leaving. You’re staying.”
“Julian, I want—”
“I don’t want to be around you right now. Nothing about you or this situation is working for me at the moment and I need to go before I do, or say something really stupid.” Before I can respond, Julian is out the door and walking toward the parking lot. I want to follow him and try and work this out, but my feet won’t move.
“Let him go, Lex. That was a bad scene waiting to happen and I think we all just dodged a bullet. Especially Luke. Julian looked like he wanted to kill him.”
I turn to find Shannon standing behind me. “I know, right? I’ve never seen him like that. He’s so angry and ready to fight.”
“Yeah, he was pretty much a dick to you when we walked in. You handled it well though.”
“What else was I supposed to do? I understand why he’s angry, but I thought we had moved past it a little. I guess I was wrong.”
“He just needs to cool off and get away from Luke. Speaking of which, he’s been staring at you all night. Are you going to talk to him?”
I shrug my shoulders at her. “I just want to leave.”
Shannon is about to launch into a speech about why I need to stay when Marissa and Kevin walk over to us. Marissa looks from side to side and I know she’s looking for Julian.
“He left. He needed to leave.”
Marissa nods. “Luke?”
I just smile a little. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to cause any drama for you tonight.”
Marissa and Kevin both assure me there’s no problem as we all walk over to the bar. I need a drink and once I get the bartender’s attention, I order a tequila shot. I ignore the look Marissa is giving me. “I just earned this. I’m good.”
“Don’t do anything stupid, Lex.” Marissa chuckles a little, but I can see the worried look on her face and it makes me feel horrible. I want her to be happy tonight.
“I won’t. I promise.” I do my shot and turn to face the room, a big fake smile plastered on my face. It’s gotten crowded in the last hour and I assume it’s because a live band is about to play.
I turn back to the bar to order another drink and as soon as I do, I hear his voice behind me. I also smell his familiar cologne. “Hey hooka.”
My heart skips a beat as I turn around to face him. “Hey.”
“You okay? You look upset.”
“I’m good.”
“Did you and Julian just get into a fight? I see he’s not here.”
I can’t help but be a little defensive. “How observant of you. He left.”
“Because of me? Does he know?”
“Yes, because of you Luke. And yes, he knows. I don’t want to talk about Julian with you, okay?” It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other or talked, and I’m sure we can find other things to talk about. “How are you?”
“I’m good. Been busy with work. I got an offer to become a partner in a new bar that’s opening in West Palm, and I’m going to do it. Finally.”
My smile is real when I respond. “That’s great. I’m so happy for you. I know you’ve wanted that for a long time.” I listen intently as he tells me about the bar and a little about what he’s been up to. We stick to neutral topics and although the conversation is definitely strained, it feels familiar.
“So you really are okay?”
My walls have gone down a little. “I’m working on it.”
“Good.”
A very awkward silence follows and in that moment, I’m once again reminded things will never be the same between Luke and me. We can’t be just casual friends.
“Well, I’m going to go talk to some friends. It was good to see you, Luke.”
I want to hug him, but I know it would be such a bad idea on so many levels. I can look at him and see the same desire in his eyes. He reaches over and puts his hand on mine. “I miss you, Lex. Every day.”
I could lie and tell him I don’t feel the same, but he would know I was lying. “I miss you too.”
“Be happy. You deserve it.”
Before I respond, Luke turns and walks away. Tears spring to my eyes and I feel the hurt of this loss once again. I take a deep breath and find someone else to talk to who can help get my mind off of everything. Lucky for me, Jenna, Shannon, and Cory are sitting at a table near the band, and I pull up a stool and join them.
“That looked intense. Are you okay?” Jenna doesn’t even wait until I’m sitting before asking that.
“I’m fine. It’s all good. Let’s stop worrying about Lexie now.”
I order another drink from the waitress when she walks by, and try to get lost in the music and my friends’ conversation. I’m doing great until the band starts to sing Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer. I’ve heard the song a hundred times now, but tonight it hits so close to home. I can’t help but turn and look for Luke. Our eyes meet when the singer belts out the words “When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?” and I know Luke is thinking about me and the letter he left for me. The letter we never discussed; the letter that broke off a piece of my heart with its love, sincerity, and finality.
I turn and look the other way for a moment and try to regain my composure. I wondered how I’d feel the next time I s
aw Luke. I wondered if I’d be sad, or mad, or grateful. I’m sad. I miss my friend. Despite everything we’ve been through and all the hurtful things that have happened, I still love him. Not like I love Julian, but I do love him, and something tells me I always will. I decide I just need to leave and I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I plan on sneaking out of the bar and heading home. I’m all the way out the door when I realize I don’t have a way home. I came with Julian and if I don’t tell my friends I’m leaving, I can’t get a ride with any of them. Shit. I look around to see if there is a cab waiting nearby, and have to rethink my plan when I don’t see one. I turn around to walk back in to Callahan’s and literally run into Luke. I almost fall over but he catches me. I’m about to ask him if he was following me when I hear Julian’s voice booming from behind me.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
I wiggle out of Luke’s arms and spin around. The look in Julian’s eyes scares me. “It’s not what you think, Julian.” I take a step toward him and try to grab his hand. He pushes it away and gets right up in front of Luke.
“I’m gone for an hour and you try and swoop in again?”
“Back off, man. Nothing happened here. You need to calm down.”
Luke is right; Julian does need to calm down. The sight of the two of them a few feet apart is freaking me out. They’re both tall and big, and right now, pissed. I’ve seen Luke get into a few fights before, mostly in college, and he usually wins. I’ve never seen Julian throw a punch, but I know how strong he is, and I know how angry he is. It’s a dangerous combination. I try and get in between them, but they both kind of push me away and totally ignore me as I plead with them not to fight.
“Calm down? You’re always here. Always getting into my business and causing problems for me. Let’s just take care of this once and for all.”
I know the smirk that crosses Luke’s face is going to piss Julian off even more. “Your business? Are you referring to Lexie? Is she your business? Once again you left her alone to go do whatever important shit you needed to do. I was trying to make sure she was okay.”
“Were you planning on fucking her again to make sure she was okay?”
“Julian, stop. You’re acting crazy. Nothing happened here. I was coming out so I could leave. Alone. I was coming to find you.” That last part is a little lie. I was just going to go home, but this sounds better. My words fall on deaf ears. I might as well not even be here.
“You’re an asshole, Julian. Don’t talk about Lexie that way.”
Oh no. I know it’s coming before I see it coming. Julian’s fist flies just inches past my face before it makes contact with Luke’s jaw. The noise is sickening. Although the punch was hard, Luke doesn’t fall. His head is down and he’s bent at the waist for a moment. When he straightens up, I see the blood streaming from a cut in his lip. His mouth is already swelling.
I see the look in his eyes and now I’m really scared. I was hoping he would remain the calm one, but that looks like it isn’t an option anymore. I step in front of him and beg. “Please, Luke. No. Just walk away.”
Luke looks down at me and I can see that by some miracle I’ve reached him. He’s listening to me, unlike Julian. He actually turns around to walk away. Thank God.
“You’re just going to walk away. I’d expect more from you.”
I hold my breath as I wait to see if Luke takes the bait.
When Luke turns around, he looks right at me and smiles. It’s a smile I know. It’s small and looks like a smirk, but it’s the smile he uses to let me know things are going to be okay even though they look like they won’t. It reassures me momentarily.
“I don’t have any reason to fight you, Julian. There’s nothing to fight for. You already won. You get Lexie. She chose you. I gave it my best shot and even with seven years’ of history on my side, she still chose you. Let it go.” I know he’s doing this for me, but he’s being sincere and I can hear the sadness in his voice.
Julian exhales and I think he’s relaxing a little, but then I see his hands ball up into fists again. “So I should just be cool with the fact you two slept together? I should just let that go?”
“Yeah.”
“Not so sure I can.” Julian’s looking at me when he says that and I know his real problem is with me, not Luke.
“Well, fighting me isn’t going to change anything. What’s done is done. It doesn’t matter now.”
“Really? So sleeping with her meant so little to you. Bullshit!”
“What the fuck do you want here, man? You know it meant something to me. Does it make you feel better to hear that? Because if it does, you’re sick. The only thing you should care about is that she chose you. She loves you. She wants you, and she regretted it the minute it happened.”
Julian turns to look at me and I see a little crack in his armor. Luke’s words have hit a nerve. I meet his gaze. What Luke said isn’t true, but he’s so convincing I choose to briefly rewrite the story and believe this new version. Julian turns back to Luke and shakes his head. I know a million things must be running through his mind, but he doesn’t say anything else to either of us. Instead, he reaches out for my hand and in front of Luke, who just helped salvage my relationship, I choose Julian again and take it. I don’t dare look back as we walk through the parking lot to his car.
I want to thank Luke. I want to hug him and make sure he’s okay. But I can’t. I need to focus on Julian and how we’re going to work through the huge step backward we just took. Julian doesn’t let go of my hand until we get to the car and when we’re sitting, he takes it again. I take that as a good sign, but the air is thick with so much tension that I don’t feel safe assuming anything. We drive in silence all the way to the condo. He doesn’t ask me if I want to go to my house and he doesn’t take me there. I also take those as good signs.
Not one word is said until we walk into the condo. I follow behind him as he opens the door, but I stop in the middle of the foyer. I feel frozen. I’m not sure what to say or how to act or where to go. Nothing feels right. I just witnessed a side of Julian I haven’t seen before. It isn’t a side I like either. I can understand where he’s coming from, but my whole body is coated in uneasiness. I open my mouth to speak, but I’m cut off by Julian, who has turned around to face me.
“I’m sorry.”
Whoa. I didn’t expect an apology and am a little unprepared on how to respond. I can’t tell him it’s okay because it isn’t. I don’t want to talk about it, but I know we can’t ignore it either. I have no idea what to say so I just nod.
“You look afraid of me. Please don’t be.”
“I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid we can’t get past this. That we won’t get past it.”
He takes my hand and I let him lead me to the couch. I sit next to him, but with some distance between us. “I was coming back to get you. I wanted to apologize for acting like such an asshole. I needed to cool down and thought I was okay. The image of you in Luke’s arms was too much.”
“Nothing happened. I swear. I turned and ran into him.”
“I believe you. It didn’t matter at that moment though. I saw what I wanted to see, or didn’t want to see.”
“I didn’t know he was there.”
Julian nods. “Did you talk to him before that?”
“Yes, but just a little. He asked me if you left because of him and if you knew. I told him you did and that I didn’t want to talk about you with him. We chatted about his work and a few other safe topics and then he told me he missed me. That was it. I left to go talk to Jenna and Shannon.”
“Do you miss him too?”
I choose not to lie. We’ve laid all of our cards out on the table. “I do. I miss my friend. Despite all the bullshit, we were close and it’s hard to forget that.”
“I know you were close. That’s what’s hard for me to deal with. I want to be understanding about it, but I can’t. I can’t share you with him.”
“You don’t have to Julian. I�
��m yours, all yours.”
Chapter 26
“The last time I hit someone was ten years ago. I punched Mateo when I caught him in bed with Alejandra. I didn’t actually just punch him. I beat the shit out of him. And he didn’t fight back. He was my best friend for my whole life and he betrayed me and then he let me kick his ass. It would have been a fair fight if he would’ve tried. You’ve seen him. He’s a big guy, like me. Strong.”
I rub my fingers over his hand in what I hope is a comforting gesture. I want him to continue and help me understand him better. I offer a reassuring smile.
“Everyone was so pissed at me when they saw him. I was fine and he was pretty messed up. They all said they understood why I was so angry, but that I should’ve handled it better and been more mature.”
“I think you were justified.”
He closes his eyes and seems to drift off somewhere for a few moments. When he opens them they are wet. “Maybe, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I felt worse. Everything was so out of control for me then. I was dealing with Isabelle’s death, my parents, taking care of Danny, and trying to figure out what I was going to do about school and baseball. The two people I trusted the most let me down in the biggest way possible and I couldn’t handle it. Something in me died that day, Corazón, and I didn’t think I’d ever be able to trust someone like that again, until I met you.”
I scoot closer to him and place a small kiss on his lips. “I know the feeling; about not being able to trust. I’m so sorry you feel so betrayed by me. It hurts me deeply.”
Julian kisses me again and it’s so sweet. “It’s not the same thing, and I know that. We were in a different and very difficult situation and I do know you didn’t cheat on me. But, it doesn’t hurt any less, and I think I’m surprised by that to be honest.”
“I don’t want you to hurt anymore from this. What can I say or do to help make this better? I know it will take some time, but I want to move past this. We have to or we aren’t going to make it.”
