Promise Me

by Hilary Wynne

  I shake my head. “No.”

  “Lexie?”

  “I’m pregnant, Julian.”

  The stunned silence that follows is unbearable for the few moments it lasts. I watch Julian attempt to speak, then stop, then start again. He doesn’t know what to say. Finally he gets a few words out. “What? How? Is it mine?”

  I guess considering the circumstances those are pretty normal questions. I answer in order of importance. “Yes, it’s yours. There is no question about that.” I don’t admit that I thought about that myself. I’ve had my period since I was with Luke, I was on the pill and we used a condom, so I’m not concerned it’s his. “As for the how part, I’m thinking it happened when we got sick. I was so out of it that I didn’t take my pills and didn’t even think about it because of all that’s been going on with us. I’m so sorry, Julian. I didn’t do this on purpose, I swear.”

  “Why are you sorry, baby? This is great news!” Julian pulls me to him and holds me as tightly as he ever has. When I don’t respond he pulls back and looks at me with a serious expression. “Isn’t it?”

  “I don’t know what to think.” I explain to him how I woke up this morning and felt sick and how the pieces just started to fit together.

  “Why didn’t you just tell me this morning?”

  I take my hands out of his and start playing with a ring on my right hand. I’m having a hard time looking at him directly. “Because I’m scared to death of what this means for us. I needed a minute to process it.”

  “And have you?”

  “No.”

  Julian puts his hand under my chin and forces me to really look at him. “I need you to talk to me and tell me how you’re feeling. This is huge and it would be majorly fucked up of you to go dark on me, Lexie.”

  I blink back a few tears. I’m feeling extremely emotional. “I’m not going dark. I’m right here in front of you talking to you. I’m telling you I don’t know how I feel about it.”

  I can feel his body tense up and watch as the questions roll through his eyes. “So you’re not sure you want to have it?”

  I shake my head vigorously. “Oh my God, Julian. I never said that. I never even thought that. Why would you say something like that to me?” I’m stunned he would even think that would be an option for me.

  “Because you don’t know how you feel about it. You told me five minutes ago and I know how I feel about it. I’m not unsure or confused at all.”

  “Well that’s because you’re you.”

  Julian pulls back from me and crosses his arms in a defensive pose. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  I grab his hands and thread my fingers through them. “It’s not an insult. You just have your shit together, Julian. You know what you want and how to get it, and you don’t worry about things like I do.”

  That makes him laugh and it breaks up some of the tension. “I worry about everything, mi amor. You know that about me. But I do know what I want. I want you. And I want a family with you. So, yes, this is a no-brainer for me.”

  I just sit there and stare at him. I’m thrilled beyond words he’s happy about this, but I’m still so conflicted and I know he won’t understand.

  “Please talk to me.”

  “I’m scared to.”

  “You don’t need to be. You can be completely honest about how you’re feeling. It’ll be okay. I promise.”

  I take a deep breath and push out all the things I’ve been thinking about today. “I love you and I want to be your wife and the mother of your children more than anything. I’m not confused or conflicted about that.”

  “Then what are you conflicted about?”

  I look down for a minute as I formulate what I need to say so he gets it. When I look back up I see nothing but tenderness in his eyes as he waits for me to help him understand. “We just got back on solid ground. We’ve dealt with more in six months than most couples do in years. I want us to be okay, to be strong as a couple. I don’t want people to think I’ve trapped you into marrying me and that’s what they will think. We’re talking about planning a wedding and now I’ll be pregnant and everyone will talk. And it’s just so soon to have a baby. I’m so busy at work and I love my job. I don’t know if I’ll even be a good mom. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of a mess.”

  I think I just gave Julian so much information that he doesn’t know what comment to address first. He’s staring at me and I swear I can see him playing back what I just said in his mind.

  “Well, you asked. I told you I was conflicted.”

  “And in a typical Lexie way, you’re all wrong. You and I are strong. We’ve always been strong or we wouldn’t be here today talking about this. I don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks and you shouldn’t either. People will talk, but the people who know us and love us will know the truth. And I know the truth. So nothing else matters. And Alexa Reed, you have been a little bit of a mess, but with very good reason. When I look at you I see one of the strongest, most loving and protective people I’ve ever met. You will be an amazing mom and you should never doubt that.”

  He reaches over and wipes the tears from my cheeks. “It might not have been planned, Corazón, but it’s good. Really good.”

  I squeeze his hand. “Are you sure?”

  “I’m sure. I love you and I already love this baby.” Julian reaches down and puts his hand on my stomach. It’s such a gentle gesture of love. He stands up and offers me his hand. “Let’s go in. I can order us some dinner and we can talk some more. Are you hungry?”

  I stand up and he wraps me in a huge hug. “I think I’m hungry. I go from feeling like I want to eat everything to feeling like I’ll throw up if I see food.”

  As we make our way back to the condo, he holds on to my hand like he’ll never let it go. It’s the confirmation I need everything will be okay.

  “I think I know why my bikini top doesn’t fit anymore.” I laugh when I say it.

  “Mmm. Your boobs are getting bigger. I’m a fan.”

  “They don’t need to get any bigger, but I’m glad you approve. I guess that’s why I’ve been so tired too. All the signs were right there.”

  “So it’s about four weeks, right?”

  “Yes. So it’s kind of early to see symptoms but I swear I do.”

  “Can we make an appointment to see a doctor this week?”

  “Of course. I’ll call my doctor tomorrow.”

  Julian nods and gets quiet. “Is that a problem? Do you want me to see someone special?”

  “No. You can decide that. I’m just thinking about sharing the news. I guess we need to talk about that.”

  I don’t have to think about it. I know how I feel. “I don’t want to tell anyone yet.”

  A look of disappointment registers on his face. “Why?”

  “I want to make sure everything is okay. I don’t want everyone in our business and I don’t want to steal the spotlight from Jill. She tried for so long to get pregnant and finally did. I didn’t try and got pregnant. It’s her time.”

  “Okay. We can keep it to ourselves for a little while, but people will find out. This is good news and news our families, even Jill, are going to be thrilled about. So please don’t make it a bad thing. And Lexie, everything is okay.”

  I reach over and squeeze his hand as a flood of emotions pours out of me. “I’m trying so hard not to freak out right now and the only reason I’m not is because you’re not. I don’t know anything about being pregnant or babies. I have been drinking alcohol and coffee and diet cokes. I don’t sleep well, we have crazy, hard sex, and I run. I don’t know if any of that has hurt the baby. We aren’t married, I don’t even really live here, two weeks ago you weren’t even talking to me, and everyone is going to think I did this on purpose.” The tears are streaming down my face by the time I’m done.

  Julian pulls me into his lap and holds me tightly to him. He runs his hands up and down my back in a soothing motion which helps. His whispered words mean
everything to me. “We’re going to have a healthy, beautiful baby, Alexa. You and I are good. We’re getting married and we can start moving all of your stuff over here right away. It’s all going to be okay, baby. I promise.”

  Chapter 28

  Apparently the days of waking up slowly and lazily are gone. I’m roused from my sleep, not by the sunlight or my sexy fiancé, but by the urge to throw up. Julian is still in bed beside me and follows me to the bathroom as I bend over the sink. He holds my hair and rubs my back as I get sick. This totally sucks. After I’m done, I brush my teeth and splash cold water on my face. I still feel nauseous, but I’m able to breathe through the queasiness without getting sick again.

  “This sucks. Please don’t feel the need to join me in the mornings if it keeps happening.”

  Julian smiles sweetly. “We’re in this together.”

  “Says the man who isn’t puking up green stuff. It’s gross and not sexy. Don’t be offended when I ask you to leave, okay?”

  He shakes his head and walks out of the bathroom without answering. I follow him out. “You’re mad?”

  “I’m not mad. I just don’t like to feel helpless. You’re not the only one feeling all kinds of things. I just need to be close to you. Sorry.”

  I walk toward him and give him a bear hug. “You’re awesome and I need and want you to be close to me and involved in everything … except this, okay?”

  He hugs me back and smiles. “Okay. Please try and get into your doctor as soon as possible.” I hear the nerves in his voice. He’s not as calm as he acted last night. Instead of getting worried though, I keep calm. “I plan on it.”

  We walk hand in hand to the kitchen where he talks me into toast with peanut butter. I skip the coffee. That’s going to be a hard habit to break for sure. We both try and act normal and talk about work and what’s on tap for the day, but it’s a little forced. The minute the clock strikes eight, I place a call to my gynecologist and am beyond excited when the receptionist tells me they had a cancellation late yesterday and if I can get there by nine, I can be seen today. I take the appointment without hesitation. “I can get in today at nine. Can you go? The doctor is in Coral Gables so we need to leave soon to get there in time.” I’m already walking toward the bedroom to get dressed before he responds. I know there’s no way he won’t go.

  “Of course I’m going.”

  We both get ready quickly and are in the car by eight-thirty. I’ve looked better, but I don’t care. My eyes are a little swollen and I think I look green, but whatever. I call Diego and let him know I’m going to be in a little late this morning. He’s cool about it and asks me if everything is okay.

  “Everything is great. My dad has a follow-up appointment with his doctor and I’d like to be there to hear what’s going on.”

  It’s my first pregnancy lie, and it comes out effortlessly. I’m not sure what that means but I’m glad I don’t feel bad about it seeing as it’s about to be the first of many. My next call is to Lauren. I have an appointment on the books this morning and I ask her to take it. It was a solid lead and I hate to give it up, but this is more important. She knows it’s something I’ve been working on and questions where I am.

  “Headed to a doctor’s appointment with my dad. He’s fine. It’s just a follow up, and because he didn’t tell us what was going on the first time, I want to be there now.”

  She believes what I say and agrees to cover for me. Lie number two. Julian looks over at me with sadness on his face.

  “What? Did you think I was going to tell them I was going to the doctor to talk about my just discovered pregnancy? I thought that was a good lie.”

  “I hate that you have to lie at all. I’ve been thinking about it and I’m not sure I can do this. I want to tell everyone already. I want to call my parents, and my brother. Hell, I want to go stand on the top of the hotel and scream it to everyone in South Beach. I’m so excited, baby. I don’t want to keep it a secret.”

  I shake my head and feel a little panicked. “I’m not ready, Julian. I need you to understand that!”

  “I’d never say anything without your permission, but I’d like you to reconsider, okay?”

  I nod and smile, knowing I won’t change my mind anytime soon. I feel so protective of this secret already, and God knows I’m good at keeping secrets. I can’t help but wonder if Julian’s plea is based on my secretive past. I wonder, but don’t ask. That’s not an avenue we need to drive down right now.

  Traffic isn’t bad this morning and we make it to the office with about five minutes to spare. I’m an existing patient so I don’t have to fill out any forms and when they call me, I’m ready. I cringe when I get on the scale and see I’ve gained a couple pounds from the last time I weighed myself. I’m not obsessed with my weight, but gaining tons of it won’t be a fun part of this journey. I’m given a cup to pee in, have my blood pressure taken, etc., and sit on the table to wait for the doctor. When Dr. Allen walks in, she smiles at me and shakes Julian’s hand. I’ve been seeing her since I was eighteen, so she knows me well.

  “Hi, Lexie. Am I reading this correctly? It says you’re here to confirm a pregnancy?”

  I look at her sheepishly. She knows I’m on the pill. “It wasn’t exactly planned. I was really sick with the flu last month and I think it messed up my cycle. I don’t know. I took a test yesterday and it was positive.” I tell her about the fatigue and morning sickness as well.

  “Well, it sounds like you’re definitely pregnant. The results should be back in a few minutes.”

  While we wait for the pee test to come back, we talk about dates and more about my symptoms. I ask her all the questions I brought up last night with Julian.

  “Lexie, you don’t need to worry so much. You’re young and healthy, and although we strongly encourage you to avoid alcohol and larger quantities of caffeine, I’m not hearing anything that makes me worried. Sex is fine and so is running. I want you to keep exercising. Listen to your body and you’ll know what feels right for you. The morning sickness should pass, and if it doesn’t or it becomes unmanageable, there are some things we can try to help you feel better. It’s all perfectly normal though. So is the fatigue. A lot of women feel exhausted in the early stages of pregnancy and then turn into superwomen later. We can monitor that as well.” The more she talks the better I feel. I keep glancing over at Julian, who is uncharacteristically quiet, and see that he’s hanging on her every word.

  When Dr. Allen’s assistant walks in and hands her a sheet of paper, a smile breaks out across her face. “Well, you’re definitely pregnant, Lexie. I’d like to do an exam while you’re here and then we can get you a prescription for some vitamins and schedule your next appointment.” She hands me a gown and steps out of the room so I can change.

  “Do you want me to wait for you outside?”

  I look at Julian and shake my head. What a dumb question. “No. Why would I? I just didn’t want you to watch me throw up, Julian. The rest is fine.” I’m about to ask him how he’s feeling when the doctor walks back in. The physical exam is pretty quick and she assures me everything looks good, but still collects samples to test for STDs and other potential issues. We talk about both Julian’s and my family medical histories, and she has her nurse draw some blood to send out to test for other concerns and to do blood typing. I also get a prescription for vitamins, make my next appointment, and we’re out the door with a congratulatory hug. It isn’t until we’re sitting back in the car that I get a weird feeling again.

  “That was so normal. Like it isn’t a big deal. I’m pregnant and everyone else is just doing what they normally do. I mean, my life is about to change and the world didn’t even blink.”

  Julian laughs at me. “People have babies every day, mi amor, and although our lives are about to change, the baby doctor probably isn’t fazed.”

  “I’m sorry, our lives. That was insensitive of me. I know this is a huge deal for you too. Which, to be honest, is why I’m surprised you
were so quiet in there. You didn’t have questions?”

  “You asked most of them. I just wanted to listen and take it all in. It’s surreal for me too. I’m going to be a dad.”

  Oh shit. The minute his words leave his mouth the air is sucked out of the car. He said exactly the same thing and in the same way when he told me about Caroline and the baby. He knows it too. “Don’t even go there, Lexie. This isn’t even remotely the same thing.”

  “Yes. It is and I just realized it right this second. Unplanned and dropped like a bombshell on you.”

  We’re about to get on the causeway when Julian swerves and pulls over to the side of the road. He has fire in his eyes when he looks at me. His voice is loud. “Don’t ever compare that situation to this. It isn’t even in the same universe. Regardless of this being planned or not planned, this baby came out of a loving relationship, not a few one-nighters.”

  He’s mad and I feel defensive. “Don’t yell at me, Julian. I can’t help it if it hits close to home with me.”

  “I’m pissed, Lexie. How could you even make a comparison? That baby wasn’t even mine and her lies about it stole my first experiences of childbirth. I don’t want to discuss her or her baby or anything that happened regarding it ever again. This is about me and you and our baby. No lies, no games, no fucking drama!”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were still so upset about it.”

  “Carajo! I’m not upset about it. It ruined a few months of my life already, and I don’t want it to even be a thought. Every single thing that happens from this moment onward is different, and special, and real. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  I see him take a deep breath as he pulls back into traffic. Little by little, the tension ebbs, and by the time we get back down to the beach, we really are okay.

  Chapter 29

  The next two weeks are a combination of me working, me moving into Julian’s condo, and me trying to keep my pregnancy a secret. I’m still getting sick in the mornings, but I’ve learned to deal with it. I combat the fatigue by going to bed early every night, and Julian has been great about respecting that and my desire to keep the pregnancy a secret. I still haven’t changed my mind about letting people know, however, I did agree we could tell people after the first trimester was over, which would be in early December. It’s getting harder for me to stay quiet and when we had dinner with my parents the other night, I had a moment when I wanted to say something. It passed when they started talking about Jill’s pregnancy though. Shannon and Marissa have been so busy with their own lives that we haven’t spent our usual amount of time together, and nobody seems to be suspicious at all. I see Lauren almost every day, but she’s so wrapped up in Sean she can’t see anything else around her. They’re moving in together at the end of October and she has been consumed with that. Shannon, Marissa, and I did meet for dinner recently to discuss our own living arrangements, and I was happy to leave with a sense that we’re all happy with how it’s playing out. Shannon is officially moving in with Cory, and Marissa is going to move back home until her and Kevin get married in the summer. She wants to save money towards a down payment on a house, and he’s going to share an inexpensive condo with a fellow officer. It’s the end of an era, so to speak, for us and it’s bittersweet.