by Hilary Wynne
Julian finds me on the couch, under a blanket, fast asleep when he gets home from work around seven. He brought dinner, and I pick through some of it while he eats.
“I know you’ve been stressed out and not feeling well, so I wanted to do something that might help with that. The weekend after this coming one we’re going away for a few days, to Shallow Waters in the Keys. I already booked the room and made the arrangements for me to be gone. You just need to make sure you can get off work from Friday morning through Sunday.”
I sit up and smile at him. I’ve never been to Shallow Waters, but I’ve heard of it and always wanted to go. It’s supposed to be this super romantic and relaxing resort just south of Key Largo. They have a world-class spa and restaurant, and we have reservations at both. He grabs his laptop and searches the site so I can see what the resort looks like. This is exactly what I need.
“I want you to get some uninterrupted rest. We can take a time out from wedding planning and work, and just hang out on the beach and eat a lot.”
“Um. Okay. I’m in! It shouldn’t be an issue to get off. I haven’t taken any time off in the last month.”
“I’ve noticed. That’s why I did this. You need a break, and I think it would be nice to stop for a few minutes and just enjoy each other. I could use a break too, and now that Ruben is back I can take the time off.”
I’m able to get the time off work for our upcoming trip and it couldn’t come soon enough. The wedding planning has become more intense as decisions need to be made about guests and menu choices, which freaks me out again. I’m not indecisive. I’m a planner. I like parties and events. I have no idea what my problem is. In my quiet moments I wonder if deep down I’m still scared this is all a big dream that’s going to come to a crashing halt for some reason. I guess I can’t imagine I truly have met the man of my dreams and get to plan the wedding of my dreams. I’ve never felt like the girl who would be living in the fairytale. I’ve been pretending I’m that girl, but old habits are hard to break.
It’s nagging at me so much that I reach out to Ellen to see if I can schedule an appointment. Luckily she can fit me in at my regular time. It’s been weeks since we talked, and I find myself looking forward to it all day. I feel like everything in my life has completely changed, yet when I walk into her office I feel exactly the same as the last time I was there. It’s just an odd feeling and one I don’t like. After a warm hug and some small talk about my family, friends and work, we get down to business.
“You said you wanted to talk to me about something. Is it the wedding?”
“Bingo. I’m freaking out about it. I feel stuck and I’m not sure why.”
“Do you want to get married?”
“Yes. I know that. I just want it to be done already.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“Honestly?”
“Is there any other way I’d want you to talk to me?”
I can’t help but laugh. She’s always so direct and I need that now. “I guess I keep waiting for something bad to happen and I don’t want to get so invested that I’m more upset when it does.”
OMG. As I say the words out loud I realize how stupid they are. I’m worried about a wedding? I am carrying Julian’s child. I couldn’t be more invested. I also realize in that moment I don’t want to tell anybody about the baby in case something bad happens and we break up. Also stupid, seeing as it won’t be something I’ll be able to hide much longer. God I’m an idiot.
“Aren’t you already pretty invested here, Lexie? You’re getting married and living together, right? You’re in love too, right?”
I nod. That’s a dumb question.
“You’ve been fully invested in this since day one. When are you going to see that? You keep standing in the way of your own happiness and sabotaging what should be happy moments. It’s a little frustrating too. How’s Julian handling your stress, assuming you aren’t able to hide it from him?” She does say that with a hint of sarcasm and I let it roll off my back because I deserve it.
“He’s typical Julian. Once we got over the Luke situation, which I can tell you all about after we fix this wedding business, he’s been so patient with me. He knows I’m stressed and has stepped up to help. He’s even taking me away this weekend for a time out.” I almost mention the baby but stop myself. I want to tell her so badly, but she doesn’t get to be the first person to know. That would feel wrong and would be a betrayal of a decision I’ve made Julian adhere to.
“He knows you. It’s a great thing for your relationship. But you can’t expect him to always make you believe, Lexie. You need to do that for yourself. I thought you’d gotten there for the most part.”
I hear the disappointment in her voice. It’s why I haven’t admitted it out loud. “How can it be this good? How can we have gone through all of that shit and be sitting on the other side planning a happily ever after? I got used to the chaos and the drama, and was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m good in that space in my head. I know how to function there. This space I’m in, the happy, contented, everything is actually going well space, scares the shit out of me, Ellen. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to string together so much good. And Julian and I are good. I swear I worry I’m going to fuck it all up.”
“It can be that good because you deserve to be happy. It can be that good because six months ago you fell onto the man you were meant to be with. It can be that good because it was that bad and you fought your way through it with your incredible strength and stubbornness. Lexie, you need to stop doubting this. It’s real , and the only thing that can mess it all up is your inability to trust in what’s right in front of you. You of all people know how bad life can get at times, but by now you should also be able to see how amazing it can be too. Trust in that.”
Chapter 31
We leave early Friday morning after making a quick stop at the hotel, and I sleep most of the way down. It’s a few hours away and I want to be rested when we get there. When Julian rouses me, I wake up to the bluest seas, majestic palm trees, colorful tropical flowers, and a balmy breeze. I actually blink a few times to make sure it’s not a mirage. The Shallow Waters resort is even more beautiful than I could imagine. The six-hundred-square-foot waterfront bungalow is decorated with a relaxing Caribbean décor. Rattan furniture is covered with off-white cushions and blue and yellow pillows. The ceiling fans look like huge bamboo leaves and there are real plants everywhere, bringing the outdoors inside. There is a huge terrace with steps that lead to the sandy waterfront and hammocks hang from the trees butting up to the building. I wander back inside after scanning the outside area, and smile when I see the bathroom. There is Jacuzzi for two, a large steam shower, and big fluffy white robes I can’t wait to get into. The bed is an oversized king with a pale, yellow down comforter that looks like a nest. The whole vibe is relaxing and peaceful. There is a floral bouquet on the table near the kitchenette with a card attached, welcoming us to the resort. There is also an appointment card letting me know my day of beauty is going to start in about an hour.
After helping me unpack my stuff, we find a small café and grab a muffin and some juice. We walk through the resort and find the spa, which isn’t far from the bungalow. After I check in, Julian leaves to do his thing, whatever that may be. I have a feeling it’s work and as long as I don’t have to hear it, I’m good.
My facial and mani/pedi are excellent, and when I’m done I’m led into a different room where I find a half-dressed Julian. He’s shirtless and sitting on a loveseat waiting for me. The massage therapist gives us some instructions, and then leaves us alone to get undressed and ready for the massages. The next hour passes way too quickly as I get one of the best massages of my life. I had to let the therapist know I was pregnant, and when the words came out of my mouth I glanced at Julian and saw a huge smile plastered on his face. It made me feel awesome.
We spend the rest of the day lying around the beach, and spend the rest of th
e night in each other’s arms. We laugh and share stories about our childhood; specifically what kind of children we were. We talk about turning the guest bedroom into a nursery, and even about the prospect of moving if we decide to expand our family past one child. I let Julian know in no uncertain terms that I want at least two children, and he tells me he’ll have as many as I agree to. I know family is very important to him, and the thought of having a large one with him makes me feel warm and fuzzy. We also talk about baby names, which make the conversation very emotional.
“If we have a girl, would you consider naming her Isabelle?”
Julian’s eyes fill with tears at my suggestion. “You would do that?”
“I would do that if it was okay with you and your family. It’s a beautiful name and would be an honor, really.”
Julian pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly. “God I love you. I couldn’t have thought of anything else you could’ve said or done to make me love you more than I already do, but you just did. I’d love to call our daughter, if we have one, Isabelle. My family would love it too.”
We whisper words of love and hope for the future into the quiet hours of the night, and not once do we talk about the wedding. I wake up to the smell of coffee and bacon, and see that Julian has ordered room service. He’s on the computer in the sitting room, trying to be quiet. I join him by sitting on his lap and moving the computer. “No work, remember.”
“I tried. I have to approve some things. Sorry. I’m almost done.”
I grab a piece of bacon off the plate in front of him. “You got me bacon and eggs and peanut butter, so you’re forgiven.” I have eaten so much peanut butter in the last month, it’s all I crave. Bacon has now been added to that list.
“I’m glad you approve, mi amor. I’ll do whatever I can to make you happy, forever.”
I kiss him softly. “I know. That’s why I’m going to marry you. That and because you’re very sexy. And because you kiss amazingly. And because you love shoes.”
“Anything else?”
I kiss him again, this time more deeply. “And because you’ve made me happier than I ever thought possible. I didn’t think I could love you any more than I already did either but ever since we found out about the baby, I’ve fallen in love more each day. With you and with the idea of this little person joining us.”
We spend the rest of the morning exploring the resort and playing in the water. It’s a beautiful day, and one that should be spent outside. After a light lunch, we head back to the bungalow to decide what we want to do next. I take a cool shower and slip into some clothes before I lie down on the bed. Julian is on the phone again, working, and while I wait for him to finish I fall into a light sleep.
This mini trip was the best thing that could’ve happened right now. I feel rested and relaxed and almost ready to go back and deal with all the craziness that marrying Julian Bauer comes with. I’m feeling a little better too, which is a nice change from wanting to throw up all the time. The stress definitely hasn’t helped either. Being here alone with Julian is just what I needed.
He promised me we didn’t have to talk about the wedding for a few days, and he has upheld his end of the bargain. I also told my entire family and all my friends I was turning my phone off until Sunday night, so not to bother calling. The only thing wrong with the entire weekend so far is Julian has had to work, and has been on the phone a little more than I would’ve hoped. I understand, but wish he had the same opportunity to relax like I did. He’s been pretty good about stepping away when he gets into a conversation about work. I declared this weekend a no stress zone, and he’s trying to give me that.
I’m wearing a pair of panties and a purple tank top that’s riding up and exposing my belly. I put my hands on my stomach and gently run my fingers over what’s getting to be a noticeable bump. Julian swears he can’t tell, but I’m starting to feel it in my clothes and I know my boobs are bigger. I don’t know how much longer we’re going to be able to hide my pregnancy from everyone. I know our families and friends are going to be upset that we didn’t tell them, but I feel very strongly about this decision. I don’t want the gossip and rumor mill to start running full throttle about this, and I know once we tell people it will get out.
“How are my babies doing this afternoon?”
I smile when I hear Julian’s voice and open my eyes. “Babies?”
He lies on the bed and kisses my belly. “You and this one. My babies.”
My heart just melts. “We’re great. Relaxed.”
“Are you hungry?”
“I am a little hungry.”
“Good, because I made reservations for six-thirty. I’d like to take a little walk around the property beforehand if you’re up for it. I hear it’s very romantic and beautiful at sunset.”
I put my hands over my head and stretch. “That sounds perfect. I’ll take another quick shower and be ready by five. Is that okay?”
“Sí. And not that I need to tell you how to dress, but Blue Bistro isn’t casual. I had planned to eat outside, but I couldn’t get a reservation. I’m not sure what you brought with you.”
“Nothing fancy. I have a blue-and-white-striped maxi dress and that’s it.” I pull it out of the bag I had it hanging in and look at it. It’s cute, but very casual. “I guess we should go somewhere else if it needs to be fancier than this.” I’m disappointed when I say it because I always make sure to pack for occasions. Julian told me this place was very casual and that I probably wouldn’t be wearing many clothes this weekend anyway. I’m also bummed he couldn’t get us a table outside by the water, but I let that one slide. The rest of the weekend has been perfect.
Julian winks and walks into the closet. He comes out with a dress I’ve never seen before. It’s an off-white, sleeveless maxi dress with a high-low hem. Loose vintage lace covers the back of the dress and drapes over the hem in the front. It’s really pretty and feminine, and something I would pick out for myself. “It’s beautiful, Julian. But why did you buy me a dress and hide it?”
Julian laughs and smiles. “I wasn’t hiding it, mi amor. I packed it and hung it in the closet when we got here. I bought it because it was beautiful and reminded me of you. You have a gorgeous tan and you’re glowing these days. Plus, you have been a little crazy about what fits and what doesn’t fit and I didn’t want you to freak out about packing for the weekend. I hope you honestly like it.”
I take the dress and hold it up to me. It’s so pretty. I kiss Julian on the cheek. “I hope it fits, because like you just said, things aren’t fitting these days.” I take my tank top off and slide the dress over my head. I walk to the mirror and look at myself from all angles. The dress fits like it was made for me. I love it.
I turn and hug Julian who is standing behind me. “I love it. Thank you.”
“You look so beautiful in it. I’m glad you like it.”
Julian notices the look of panic that crosses my face and because he knows me so well, he says, “I bought you shoes to go with it. Stop worrying.”
“You bought me shoes too? Where are they? Let me see them.” I know I’m acting like a little girl at Christmas, but this man buys nice shoes. I’m excited.
“Don’t freak out, Corazón. I didn’t go too crazy with the shoes.” I watch as Julian walks back into the closet and comes out with a shoebox. My pulse starts racing when I see the telltale Gucci logo. He hands the box to me and smiles.
“There is nothing ‘not crazy’ about Gucci, Julian. Stop teasing me.” I open the box and see a pair of off-white, strappy espadrilles with a corded wedge heel. They go perfectly with the dress. “Ohhh. I love them.” I take them out and try them on.
“Bueno. Now go get ready so we can make our reservation.”
I pull him close and hug him tightly. “You are amazing and I’m so lucky. Not because you bought me this beautiful outfit, but because you just get me and love me anyway.”
I have a playful tone, but Julian gets serious. “I’m the
lucky one, baby. I just wanted this weekend to be perfect for you. It’s been a stressful few months, and you deserve to be treated like a princess.”
“Well, I think the term you need to use is queen, because this lady is going to have a prince or princess soon.”
Julian laughs again and the seriousness is gone. “Okay, Queen Lexie. Go get ready.”
When I look at myself in the mirror, I can see what Julian is talking about. I am glowing. I have to admit I do look beautiful. My hair is loose and wavy, and my makeup is soft and natural. The whole look is very feminine and romantic and because I’m feeling those things, it works perfectly.
When I walk out of the bathroom I stop in my tracks when I see Julian. He looks gorgeous in a pair of tan linen slacks, a white shirt, and a matching tan linen jacket. I think to myself for the hundredth time he really could be a model. “You look so handsome.”
“Gracias.”
“No really. You just took my breath away.”
He smiles as he walks toward me and takes my hand. “Then we’re even, because I could look at you all day long and never get enough. You’ve taken my breath away many times and you look more beautiful right now than I’ve ever seen you.”
Julian’s way with words touches me to the core. I feel more beautiful than ever. I’m sure it’s about the baby and about the fact that I’m going to be marrying this man in a few months, but I just feel whole for the first time in my life.
“Now let’s go. We can catch the sunset.”
We take our time walking around the property, talking and laughing about whatever pops in our minds. It feels so good to be so relaxed. I can’t remember the last time I did. All the stress from the wedding planning and my dad and Luke is gone, and tonight I plan on focusing on the peace and calm that has enveloped us. Julian tells me that while I was napping he found this little dock that juts out into the water which would be a great place to watch the sunset. He leads me around a patch of Travelers palms and hibiscus bushes, and pauses for a moment to pluck a beautiful pink and orange flower off. He tucks it behind my ear and kisses me sweetly on the cheek. I turn back toward the water and about two hundred yards in the distance, I see the dock he was talking about. I can’t keep the smile off my face.
