DUBIOUS

by McKinney, Tina Brooks

  The only problem was I couldn’t pass the damn classes. I had wound up spending more time and money on an education than my wife, and I still had nothing to show for it.

  “Damn, man, I thought you fell in,” Kelvin said when I sat down.

  “Ah, you got jokes.”

  He passed me the menu and tried to read his in the dim light. I used my lighter to assist me.

  “I feel you, man. They got this place all dim and shit like the sex is ’bout to pop off up in here.”

  “Did you see your shorty?” I said.

  “Not yet; it’s still early.”

  “Well if you don’t see her, man, look around. You can just about have your pick.” I motioned to a group of attractive women. “Ain’t nothing but ladies up in this camp.”

  “Man, rollin’ up on a table full of ladies just ain’t for me.”

  “Why’s that? I thought you were a big baller.”

  “I am a big baller, but I ain’t no fool.” He looked at me as if I were his student. “You step to a table full of ladies you had better be prepared to pull out your wallet and buy them all drinks. If you don’t, man, they will talk about your ass like a damn dog.”

  “Damn, man, shit’s changed since I’ve been in the game. Back in the day, you just got the waiter to send a lady a drink and your number and you were in.”

  “Ladies ain’t like that no more. They wanna see what you working with before they give you any of their time.”

  “Sounds like you’ve been rolling with the wrong crew. I can’t believe things have changed that much.” I was so far behind, I wondered if I still had it.

  “Okay, don’t say that I didn’t try to warn ya.”

  “Since my pockets are about on empty, I won’t have the chance to find out if you are right or not. What are you going to have?” I considered the menu again.

  “I’m going try this seafood po-boy.”

  “That sounds good. I’ll have that too.”

  We gave our orders to the waitress. Then we settled back and enjoyed the soft jazz playing throughout the joint.

  Out of nowhere, Kelvin said, “Are you ready to talk about what happened to your marriage?”

  “Aw, man … I know I owe you an explanation since you’ve been a friend to me and Felicia for years. I’ve been wanting to talk about it but every time I start thinking about it, I keep thinking about how badly I fucked up.”

  “You still love her?”

  “I’ll always love her, but I’m not in love with her. We’ve been going through the motions for years … but I haven’t been happy.”

  “Are you happy now?”

  “You trying to be funny?”

  “Naw, dawg. I’m just trying to understand.”

  “Well … when you figure it out, please let me know,” I said.

  “Was there another woman involved?”

  “Hell no. I care too much about Felicia to do that to her.”

  “So what the hell happened? You weren’t happily married to her, and you’re not happy now.” He leaned forward and gave me all his attention.

  “I can’t expect you to understand something I don’t understand myself. We just grew apart. It got to the point I wasn’t even coming home.” I finished off my beer and ordered an Absolute on the rocks. I needed something stronger than beer.

  “That’s deep.”

  “Yeah, she tolerated it for a minute, but I knew it was just a matter of time before she kicked my ass out.”

  “Felicia wouldn’t do you like that. Despite how you felt, she still loved you.”

  “You’d be surprised what a woman will do once you reject them.” I thought back to the fight that had sealed our fate.

  “You’ve got a point. Hey, look, there’s the shorty I was telling you about. Ain’t she hot?”

  I studied the twentyish, chocolate baby doll for a minute. “She’s good, but ain’t she a little young?”

  “What’s six years? As long as she’s over twenty-one, she can call my house anytime.”

  My attention was drawn to the couple she was talking to. There was something familiar about one of the ladies, even though her back was to me. I was intrigued. But not enough to try to go over and talk to her and get my feelings hurt.

  Kelvin’s girl came our way and recognized him. She acted as if she wasn’t surprised, but I could tell she was pleased.

  “Hey Shannan, this is my boy Randy.” He stood up and gave her a light peck on the cheek.

  She blushed, showing off her perfect white teeth. “Hi. I didn’t expect to see you so soon.”

  “I’ve been seeing you all day long, you just didn’t know it.”

  “Dag, dawg, that was corny as hell.” I laughed.

  She said, “I liked it. Are they treating you well here?”

  “We straight. Our food should be out in a minute. This is a nice spot.” Kelvin was rambling, a sure sign that he really liked this woman.

  She pinched his cheek. “I’ve got to mingle, but I hope to see you before you both leave.”

  “Bet on that, shorty.” She switched her hips as she strutted away; Kelvin was practically drooling.

  “See what I mean?” he said.

  “Yeah, she’s straight. I ain’t mad at you.”

  “You want me to see if she has a friend?”

  I shook my head. “Naw, I ain’t even ready for that yet. I’ve got to get my head on straight and pass this exam before I even contemplate dating again.”

  “I hear ya. Here’s our food.”

  The waitress was arranging the food on the table when the woman that I had been admiring got up from her table. She still hadn’t turned around, but what I was looking at from the rear was alright with me. If only she had the face to match, I might have humbled myself and begged for her number.

  She turned and walked in our direction. Kelvin could not see who had captured my attention, but my bugged out eyes were enough to make him swing around to take a look. He stood up, knocking over his chair, to greet her. I could not have moved if someone had pushed me.

  “Hey lil’ma. What you gone and did with yourself? You are looking hot.”

  “Hey Kelvin. How are you?” Felicia said, purposely leaving me hanging.

  “Not as good as you. You look great.”

  “Thank you. It’s the haircut.”

  “Can a fella get a hug?”

  She stepped to him and gave him a hug. I was still sitting there with my mouth hanging open. This wasn’t the first time I had seen her new look, but it was the first time I had paid attention to it. I had taken Felicia so much for granted, I no longer noticed how attractive she really was.

  “Hello, Randy.” She changed her tune when it came to me.

  “Hey baby.”

  She raised her eyebrows as if I’d called her a heifer or something foul.

  “Kelvin’s right, you are beautiful.”

  She appeared to accept the slight slip of the tongue, but I meant it. She would always be my baby.

  “This old thing?” She turned around so we could get the full effect.

  A marble-sized lump formed in my throat. When I recovered my manners, I asked if she would like to sit down.

  “No, I’m here with a friend. Maybe I’ll see you two later.” With that, she was gone.

  I had complete forgotten she was here with someone else.

  “Yo, dawg, I don’t think I would have been able to walk away from all that.”

  “Yeah, tell me about it.”

  Kelvin started to eat. I had lost my appetite. I pushed my food around on the plate, paying more attention to the drinks that kept coming than the food I really needed. I had so many things I wanted to say to Felicia, but as soon as I had seen her, I froze. It was almost like I was a kid again trying to think of something witty to say.

  ***

  I moved to the bar when the tables were moved to create a dance floor. I didn’t want to be there, but I couldn’t leave until Kelvin was ready unless I wanted to catch a
cab because I was too drunk to drive. Kelvin was getting his swerve on and wasn’t thinking ’bout me.

  The restaurant transformed into a club and filled up quickly. Women were no longer the majority. This made my heart ache as I watched Felicia being led to the dance floor by various men. It took all I had not to go over there and snatch her off the floor. She looked to be having a good time and even gave out her number a few times. Each time I’d seen her with a pen in her hand, it felt like someone was poking a hole in my heart.

  “Randy, you alright?”

  I didn’t even notice Kelvin come back. “Yeah, but I need to get out of here. Can you spot me a twenty so I can catch a cab? I don’t want to drive.”

  “I’ll drive you home. Just let me say goodbye to Shannan.”

  “Naw, stay. I ain’t trying to ruin everybody’s night.”

  “I’m good, man. She’s working. I wouldn’t feel right not taking you home. Just give me a minute.” He went off in search of Shannan.

  I stumbled over to Felicia. “Felicia … we’re about to leave. It was good seeing you. You’re looking great. Call me sometime.” Even though my speech was slurred and I was stumbling, her smile was gentle.

  “Sure, Randy. Take care.”

  I felt dismissed. She didn’t even bother to introduce me to her friend. Was I wrong to expect at least that?

  CHAPTER 15

  Felicia

  “Who was that fine piece of man?” Talisa said as Randy walked away, looking like he’d lost his best friend.

  I rolled my eyes. “My ex-husband.”

  “Oh damn! No disrespect intended.”

  “Trust me, none taken. He is fine; but, obviously, he just wasn’t into me.”

  “You wouldn’t be able to tell it by the way he was staring at you all night.”

  “Huh?” I didn’t know how to react to that piece of information. I kept my cool, though.

  “Girl, he’s been watching your every move. I just thought he was shy,” Talisa said and smiled.

  “Hmm … look, I am not trying to lose my good mood. Can we not talk about him?”

  “Sure. If I’d known who he was, I wouldn’t have opened my mouth.”

  “I’ll tell you about it some day, just not today.” I sipped my drink.

  “It’s cool with me. This place is really jumping. I think I’m going to have to come back here more often.”

  “Yeah, it’s straight. The food is pretty good, too.” Although I had lost the desire to finish my meal.

  She pushed her chair back and stood up. “You wanna walk around and see what we can see?”

  “Sure.”

  We strolled through the club but my mind wasn’t really in it. I was stuck in Randy’s world. I couldn’t understand his reaction to me. He looked at me like he used to back in the day when we were still dating. For the umpteenth time, I wondered where we had went wrong.

  Since Randy was with Kelvin, I assumed that he was crashing at Kelvin’s place. When Randy had first left me, I didn’t care where he stayed as long as I didn’t have to look at him. Now, I was curious about how he was spending his time.

  Randy had no other family. His mother had passed away a few years ago in her sleep. He’d never known his father. We had been through so much together, it was hard to believe we were virtually strangers.

  Talisa nudged me. “Are you listening to me or am I just talking to myself?”

  “Huh?”

  “Girl, you were in a zone.”

  “Sorry. What were you saying?” I couldn’t get Randy off my mind.

  “I asked you if you’ve had enough? My feet are about to fall off, and there is no where left to sit.”

  “I’m ready when you are.”

  We did the push-and-shuffle dance to get out of the club. The club was warm from all those bodies, so the cool night air shot through us like we were standing naked.

  “Oh, can’t stay out here long. I had fun, Talisa. We must do this again.”

  “I agree. Have a good weekend.” She went toward her car.

  I jumped in mine and flipped the heat on to take the chill out of the air. I wasn’t prepared for the wave of loneliness that attempted to smother me. This feeling was so foreign yet so familiar, I just didn’t know how to handle it. I shifted gears and stepped on the gas trying to run from the pain that was imbedded in me.

  The pain from rejection and unrequited love was a motherfucker. Pain unsolicited and unappreciated should be illegal. My life flashed before my eyes as I drove. Nothing that I’d ever done in life deserved this type of torment. I was neither young, dumb, nor stupid. So why was I being punished? I would have been able to handle this pain if I were the type of person who haphazardly treated relationships, but I was dedicated. I knew relationships took work, and I put in my time.

  “Dammit, I don’t deserve this!” I pounded the steering wheel. I was driving through the backstreets of Tucker when I noticed the ladies on the corner. This surprised me because I had never thought prostitution would have made it into the suburbs. Not that Tucker, Georgia, was the epitome of high living, it just seemed too far removed from that lifestyle.

  I slowed the car to examine the ladies strutting their stuff. They didn’t have a clue of what they were doing to themselves by allowing men to buy a piece of their souls. I believed in karma—you get in life what you give. So why was my life so fucked up? What the hell did I do?

  Frustrated, I had hit the gas pedal and sped through a red light. I peeped in the rearview mirror afraid of what I would have seen hauling ass behind my drunken ass. I was thankful, God had given me a break. The last thing I needed was to add a moving violation and driving while impaired to my resume.

  I eased up on the gas and obeyed the speed limit for the rest of my ride home. My mind was still spitting shit, but I refused to allow it to take my attention off the road. I didn’t have a death wish. I just wanted to end the pain that I felt every time I thought about Randy.

  Despite how it all had ended, I still found him attractive and my heart still felt connected. Damn his stupid ass. At least he had sense enough not to ask me about that fucking kennel. That would’ve been the straw to break the camel’s back, and I would have jumped all over his ass.

  I slowed the car as I passed the kennel. I hadn’t been there since I had hired a full-time vet. His name was Sam Miles, and he came highly recommended. I included the use of the back office as an apartment of sorts into his salary. I only spoke to him over the phone once a week to see how things were going. On a whim, I turned the car around and parked. I debated about going in. I wasn’t really concerned about the business. It was just a matter of time before I unloaded it.

  I rested my head on the steering wheel. Why did Randy want me to call him? What did he expect me to say to him? Did he expect me to forget that he’d ruined my life? Does he expect us to remain friends? The ringing of my cell phone stopped me from going into the kennel and quite possibly making a fool out of myself.

  “Hello?” I said.

  “Hey Felicia, it’s Talisa. I’m just calling to make sure you made it home safely.”

  “Uh … not yet, but I’m not far. Thanks for calling.”

  “No problem. See you on Monday.”

  I started the car and drove away shaking my head. It wasn’t as if I gave a rat’s ass about the business, so how was I going to explain showing up at this early hour? Sam would’ve correctly assumed that I was checking up on him. He probably wouldn’t have appreciate being disturbed; thus, adding more drama to my already complicated life.

  * * *

  “I’ve got to get my shit together with the quickness,” I mumbled as I pulled into my garage, closing the door behind me. I quickly exited the car before the overhead light went out. It was funny, I never minded being in the darkened garage until Randy had moved out. Now it haunted me. It wasn’t just because his car was no longer parked there. It was more the absence of his tools and other junk he had accumulated over the years. While closing the d
oor from the garage and locking it, I tried to block out the memories the garage used to hold. The days when we couldn’t get enough of each other sexually, he would meet me in the garage wearing only his boxers with his dick hanging out. Yep, I definitely had to leave those memories behind.

  CHAPTER 16

  Randy

  Kelvin was driving through the dark streets of Atlanta, but he wasn’t driving fast enough.

  “Yo, man, you ready to talk about this shit that has turned your life upside down?” Kelvin asked.

  “Man, if I understood it myself, I would. I mean one minute we were this happy couple living the dream. And the next, I’m out on my ass, living off your sofa.”

  I felt like I was leaving a part of me at the bar. It took all my strength not to hurl myself out of the car and run back to Felicia.

  “Shit didn’t just get sour over night. What happened?”

  I didn’t know how much I was willing to tell Kelvin. I knew that I had to reveal some of the shit that had been running through my mind or I would have gone crazy. “I love that woman. The last thing I ever wanted to do in my life was hurt her. She was there for me, dawg.” I beat on my chest for emphasis. I waited for Kelvin to comment, but he remained silent.

  “When we were in college,” I said, “it was all good. I guess I envied her because she always knew where she was going with her life. She always had a plan and never once did she veer off course. Things would have been perfect if I had the same drive and purpose.”

  “Life is seldom perfect.” He came off like he was a guru or some shit.

  “I know that. You asked me to explain, so let me do this the only way I know how.”

  “My bad.”

  I had no right to lash out at Kelvin, especially since he was the only person left in my life that I could count on. “Sorry, man. This shit is just hard for me.”

  “It’s cool.”

  I thought back to when Felicia had told me about her dreams, which included me. “We used to sit for hours and plan our lives. The only problem was that I was faking, she was not. When she said she wanted the ivory colored house with the picket fence, I agreed to it. When she said we would get married right after college, I agreed to it. When she said she would complete her studies first while I supported us, I agreed to it. I gave her lip service just to see her smile, but those weren’t my dreams. They were hers.”