DUBIOUS

by McKinney, Tina Brooks

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. I told him he had lost his frigging mind. He said if I didn’t do it he would leave me. So I said get to stepping.”

  Sherman laughed. “Just like that?”

  “Just like that. I mean damn, I was supportive. I bought him a business, paid him a salary. What more could he ask of me? I wasn’t about to mortgage a house that I had paid for so he could have a doggy day care center. Especially since I hardly ever saw him as it was.”

  “What’s with the kennel?”

  “I still own it. It’s making a good profit, so I’ll hold on to it for a while. I found someone to run it for me. Who knows, if the price is right I might sell it.”

  “Ain’t much left to say after that.” He studied me from the corner of his eye.

  “Yeah, but it still doesn’t explain why he chose to drop in tonight like it was still his house. I suspect I’ll hear about that shit later.”

  We were silent for a while as we listened to the soft jazz playing on his stereo.

  “So where are we going?” I turned up the radio. Miles Davis was on.

  “It’s a surprise. I hope you like surprises.”

  “Yes, I sure do.”

  Instead of taking me to some fancy restaurant, he took me to his house. To say it was beautiful would be an understatement. I’ve always been partial to brick homes. His had a wraparound deck that surrounded both the first and second floor.

  “I thought you were going to feed a sista.”

  “I am. I’m going to cook for you.”

  “You cook?”

  “Yes, that’s one of my many talents.”

  It was a manly house with a lot of African art. Many of the pieces I could tell where authentic. I took a seat on the sofa while he turned on some more jazz.

  “Can I offer you some wine or something stronger?” he said.

  “A glass of wine will be fine.”

  “I’ll be right back.”

  About four minutes later, he returned with two chilled glasses and a bottle of French wine that I couldn’t pronounce if someone had paid me to. Surprisingly, it was light and very very good.

  “Make yourself at home while I get dinner started. It shouldn’t take me long. I did the prep work before coming to get you.”

  “You think of everything, don’t you?” I said.

  “I try.”

  “You know you surprise me.”

  “Why is that?” He tilted his head to the side.

  “Most computer geeks wear pocket protectors and four-inch glasses and can only see their way around computers, let alone the kitchen.”

  “You’ll find out I’m not like most men.”

  That was a loaded statement, but I decided to let it go. It was clear to me that there was more to Sherman than met the eye, and I was willing to wait and see what it was.

  CHAPTER 24

  Randy

  I was mad, but I wasn’t sure who I was more mad at. Was I mad at myself for dropping by Felicia’s house or at Felicia for having the nerve to start dating as if the thirteen years we had spent together meant nothing? My mind was playing tricks on me. I was wondering just how long they had been dating and if that shit was going on under my very nose and I was so distracted that I hadn’t noticed.

  What I should have done is punched dude in the face and told him to get the hell out of my house. Then I should have taken Felicia upstairs and fucked the shit out of her just so she wouldn’t think about straying again. The only problem with that theory was it wasn’t my house anymore, and she wasn’t my wife.

  Just because I hadn’t started dating again, did I really expect her to remain celibate for the rest of her life? My life was so crazy right about now I couldn’t even think about another woman. All I wanted to do was pass this crazy-ass test and make something of my life, something I created, something that wasn’t handed to me on a silver platter. That was the only problem with my relationship with Felicia: she gave me everything and asked for nothing in return. I felt less than a man when I was with her. I was supposed to be the breadwinner and provider, not the other way around. But I was too much of a punk to tell her.

  I drove home because I had no other place else to go. I didn’t feel like sitting up in some bar pretending that everything was peaches and cream when it was all sour and smelly. Kelvin’s car wasn’t in the driveway. At least I could mope alone without having to explain my sour mood.

  I took a shower and put on an old pair of sweat pants and a ratty tee shirt. I turned on the television. It was really watching me instead of the other way around. I almost called Jamie but I was in too bad of a funk to deal with him too. This was when I remembered the pages he had written that he had given me earlier. Since I was done with studing for today, I went and fixed myself drink.

  I settled onto the couch and began to read.

  It’s not hard to be me when I’m by myself with no one to impress. I can scratch my balls, lick my fingers, pick my nose, and not necessarily in that order. My problem comes when I’m around other mofos that I feel will judge me if they truly knew what I was thinking. To me, everything has a reason, and it’s my job to figure out what it is. Some call me analytical; some call me just plumb crazy. Those are the ones that I allow to enter my personal space. Those people are few and far between because I don’t trust many people.

  In my opinion, everyone has a hidden agenda. Women are the easiest creatures to figure out. They want to know how much money you have, if your dick is worth their time; and, ultimately, if they can trick you down the aisle with promises of always and forever. They play stupid mind games with you thinking that—since you are led by your dick—you won’t see through their bullshit. Thankfully, I’ve never been that stupid.

  Since this letter is for myself, I can be honest. There ain’t a hoe out there that can make me walk down that plastic runway. Sure, my dick may rise when I see a tight ass or some bodacious tits, but those are fleeting moments. Once they open their mouths, it’s all over for me. That constant yap yap drives me bonkers.

  Sure, I want to have children one day. But if it means I have to be tied to one woman to have that, I’ll adopt. There are other things in life that turn me on, and these things are harder to forget. These things I take to the shower with me as I please myself with my left hand, never my right.

  The first thing that stimulates me is the mind. I love a deep thinker. Someone that wants and needs to understand why things happen. Someone that is not so unreasonable that they won’t listen to my side of the debate before forming an opinion. This gets my dick hard as a rock. Secondly, I’m attracted to large biceps, not so noticeable that they look like a linebacker but strong enough to hold me in place when we are in a passionate embrace.

  I can tell that you’ve never been with a man; and, hell, I don’t know if you’ve even considered it. If you are the least bit curious, would you let me be your first? Before you get all crazy, I didn’t write this letter for you, I wrote it for me. You were just the first person that I felt like sharing it with.

  If you never read this letter or if you chose to ignore its contents, my feelings won’t be hurt. We can continue to be friends and nothing else will be said. You have my word on that ….

  I had to put this letter down. What was Jamie trying to say to me? Was he gay? Did he think that I was gay? Why was he showing me something so near and dear to his heart? What did it all mean? Curiosity got the best of me, so I picked the letter back up.

  I’m not attracted to gay men. If I wanted a man who acted like a woman, I would choose one. I want a man’s man who is turned on by a tight ass in some snug jeans like I am. I’m not looking for a bottom boy because I believe that if we are equally yoked, we will go with the moment and do what we feel. So, with all that said, have I found the right one? Am I wrong about you? I feel like I’ve been waiting for you all my life. I wait to hear from you.

  Jamie.

  I finished my first drink and went to the wet bar and grabbed the wh
ole bottle. My mind was all over the place. I did find Jamie to be attractive, but I didn’t have fantasies about him naked and touching me. How was I going to face Jamie again knowing how he felt about me.

  Wait, maybe I was blowing this letter way out of proportion. Maybe he was just showing me a general letter that he had been carrying around for years and finally showed it to me just to let me know his preferences. It might not have a thing to do with me at all. I drank right out of the bottle trying the calm my nerves.

  This had to be the most difficult day of my life. First seeing my ex with another man, and now this shit! I grabbed the letter, folded it, and placed it in my suitcase. The last thing I needed was for Kelvin to come home and find me drunk with this letter all laid out on the table. He would throw my ass out like yesterday’s bathwater.

  My thoughts went back to my time with Justus. “Oh my God! The tapes.” I had completely forgotten about them with all the other shit that had been going on in my life. Since Felicia was on a date, my only hope of getting them back was to ask the vet that she’d hired if I could come by and pick up my personal effects.

  I dialed the number by memory, and it was answered on the fourth ring.

  “Sam Miles, may I help you?”

  “Hello, Mr. Miles, my name is Randy Clark. I used to be co-owner of the kennel.”

  “Oh yes, I’ve heard of you. How are you?”

  “I’m fine. Listen, I left a lot of my personal effects in the office. I was wondering if I could come by this evening and pick them up.”

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Clark, but your wife came by today and took all those boxes with her.”

  My heart sank. If the Gods were smiling on me, she would have trashed all of it without going through it. Knowing Felicia, she would examine each and every item until she found the damaging tapes. I debated about breaking into her house, but her nosey neighbors were bound to call the police, and that’s all I would need to complete my already fucked up life. Plus, she might still have the shit in the car. Trying to get into her garage would be even more risky. I know she had changed the locks and the code to the garage.

  My head hurt from the implications of the fall out that was bound to happen. The bottom line was that it was over with. There was nothing I could do but wait and see what would happen.

  CHAPTER 25

  Felicia

  I walked into Sherman’s huge kitchen. “Is there something I can do to help you with dinner?”

  “No, just sit back and relax. I want to do for you for a change.”

  He was right about this being a change. I’ve been in control so long, I didn’t know what it was like to just sit back and relax. I took my butt in the next room and sat down. I kicked off my shoes and curled my feet up under my ass to keep my toes warm. He had many pictures on his mantel. Curiosity got the best of me. I grabbed my glass of wine and went to look at them. Fortunately none of the pictures were of women. There were a lot of him in different exotic locations. Obviously, travel was one of his passions.

  “You like to travel I see.”

  “Every chance I get. We only get one chance at this life so why not make the best of it?” he said from the kitchen.

  “Good point.”

  “When’s the last time you’ve taken a trip just because?”

  “My honeymoon.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding.” He came out of the kitchen wiping his hands on a dish towel.

  “I wish I was. We were always too busy. He had the kennel, and I had my law practice. I wanted to be the first black partner, and I’m also the youngest.”

  “Well, you’ve arrived. How about taking some time off and going to Aspen with me?”

  “I can’t go to Aspen with you. I hardly know you.” I looked at him like he was crazy.

  “I’m trying to change that. I’m not saying we have to go this weekend, just think about it.”

  “Okay.” Hell yes I wanted to go, but I wasn’t going to make it that easy.

  “Do you ski?”

  “Hell to the no.” Sliding down a steep embankment with sticks strapped to my feet was not for me.

  “Then, maybe we should consider going somewhere else. Name a place you would like to visit that you’ve never been to before.”

  I thought about it for a few minutes. The only place that came to my mind was Paris. I wanted to visit the Eiffel Tower and the town of love. “I’ve always wanted to see Paris. I even speak a little French.”

  “Then Paris it is. I’ve been a few times. It really is beautiful.” He went back into the kitchen, and I settled back on the couch.

  This brother was giving me a lot of stuff to think about. I could easily fall for this lifestyle if my heart wasn’t still attached to Randy.

  I wondered what he was feeling when he saw me with another man. Was it enough to make him straighten up and fly right? Did I want him back? Did I need him back? Wasn’t it time that I allowed someone in my life who wanted to take care of me? So many questions and no immediate answers.

  “Dinner is served.”

  I followed Sherman’s voice to the dining room. He had the table all laid out with white candles and a white rose next to my plate. The dishes were on the table with silver lids on them.

  “Are you sure you cooked this or do you have a caterer in the kitchen?”

  “One thing you will find out about me is that I don’t lie. You may not always like what I say, but I will speak my mind.”

  “I like that in a man.” I was ready to get my grub on. I removed the cover and was delighted to see baked salmon, wild rice, asparagus tips, and glazed carrots. “How did you know this was my favorite meal?”

  “I cheated. Your assistant, Talisa, is a wealth of information.”

  “I’m giving that woman a raise.” I took my first bite and fell in love. The salmon melted in my mouth with no fishy aftertaste. It was perfect; in fact, the entire meal was delicious. “So how come you’re not married?”

  “I was waiting for you.”

  His comment made me blush. I thought he was bullshitting me, but he said he didn’t lie, so I had to believe what he was telling me. Over dinner, he told me how he had gotten started with Macro Systems. He said they recruited him right out of high school, paid for his college education, and hired him upon graduation. He’d been there ever since.

  “Do you need help cleaning up the dishes?” I had cleared my plate as if I hadn’t eaten in years.

  “Didn’t I tell you to relax?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  * * *

  When he returned from the kitchen, he offered me his hand. “Dance with me.”

  It wasn’t a request, it was a command that I felt compelled to follow. I floated into his arms. He held me tightly as we danced to Gerald Levert’s latest song. My head rested comfortably on his shoulder. He was a wonderful dancer and our bodies fit well together. His lips trailed kisses along my neck and forehead. I couldn’t object,because he felt so good.

  “Outside of Randy, I’ve never been with another man. This is all new to me.” I wanted him to kiss my lips.

  As if he had read my mind, he raised my head and kissed me. First his kiss was light as if he were asking permission to go further. I returned the kiss as a deep sigh slipped out of my mouth. He took this as an invitation to actually kiss me on the lips and kiss me he did.

  His lips were wet and succulent; his breath was peppermint fresh; and his tongue was as soft as velvet. I clung to him tighter because his kiss made me feel light in the head and weak in the knees. We were no longer dancing, we were just swaying from side to side getting our grind on. I had to find a way to break our embrace before I had done something I would regret in the morning. Perhaps he felt my hesitation because he lifted his lips from mine. They felt cold and empty. I wanted so much for him to put them back.

  He led me to the sofa so we could talk. “Felicia, I really like you. There is nothing more in the world that I would like to do at this moment than to make love to you, but
I want you to be sure that this is something that you want as well.”

  “I … uh—”

  “Trust me, no pressure. I didn’t bring you here just to seduce you. When the time is right, we will know.” He stroked my leg.

  “It’s just that I’ve never been with any other man other than Randy. I don’t even know how to begin an affair.”

  “That’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, in this day and age it is something to be proud of and cherished. I cherish it, so I will wait until you let me know you are ready to take this to the next level. Deal?”

  “Deal.” I was going crazy on the inside.

  “So what do you want to do now? Do you want some dessert? I made a cheesecake.”

  “Cheesecake? Oh my Goodness that is my favorite, but I’m still full from dinner. Can we just sit and talk?”

  “Anything your heart desires, princess.” He wrapped his arms around me, and I laid my head on his shoulder.

  I was content for the moment to just stay right there. I felt protected and comfortable—something I hadn’t felt in a long time.

  “What’s your biggest fear, Felicia?”

  “Wow, I have so many; it’s hard to just name one.”

  “Try.”

  “Failure. I’ve always been driven and goal oriented. When I fail at something I set out to do, I take it personal. It gets me in a black funk that is hard to shake.”

  “Do you feel like you failed in your marriage?” He held my hand.

  “Wow, you don’t believe in asking the easy questions, do you?”

  “I want to get to know you. The best way to do that is to ask the hard questions.”

  “Honestly, I don’t think I failed in my marriage. My husband failed. I did my part, he just didn’t meet me halfway.” I loved the way my hand felt in his.

  “And is that something that you are looking for, someone to meet you halfway?”

  “Yeah. Marriage is a commitment that should be met by both parties not just one individual. What about you? What is your biggest fear?”