Kiowa White Moon

by Jeanie P Johnson

  I sat frozen in place. I was afraid to move, in case they discovered I was there witnessing their activity. Then Lomasi would have another reason to want to get rid of me. I could hear Lomasi murmuring something, with a low laugh, and Emmet mumbling how wonderful she felt.

  Their movements mesmerized me, as they clung to each other, in their efforts to experience one another in such a manner. I watched on, even though I wanted to look away. The steam inhibited a lot of my view except from time to time when it seemed to clear for a brief moment, and I could see the sweat upon their bodies, and hear the urgency of their whispers and low groans.

  The very act intrigued and repelled me at the same time, thinking this was all wrong. Emmet did not love that Indian girl. He hated Indians. I wondered what she felt for Emmet? Was she doing this in rebellion against Muraco, for refusing to ever look upon her again? All I knew, was that I shouldn’t be here, and if Emmet discovered it, he would be livid with anger at me.

  I slowly backed out of the doorway, on my hands and knees. They were so caught up in what they were doing, I didn’t think they would even notice, and as soon as I was out in the coolness of the breeze, and sunshine, I bolted back to Muraco’s hut, and stumbled in, flinging myself onto the furs.

  Muraco wanted me to be his woman, and Tala wanted Dorie to become his woman. Nigel had already joined the tribe, and now Emmet was taking a woman he wasn’t even married to. Everything seemed to start crashing in on me all at once.

  I lay trembling on the buffalo robes, wishing I could just escape back to the farm, which I would have done, if it weren’t for the fact that there was no food there for me to eat, and if I tried to take food from our store of food, and got caught, no telling what would happen to me.

  I was doomed to remain the winter in an Indian village, where my sister was falling in love with a Comanche, Nigel had become a Kiowa, and Emmet was making love to an Indian girl, when he professed to hate the Indians.

  And then there was Muraco. I did not want to think about Muraco, because I knew if I did, I would also have to admit that he had a power over me that I couldn’t understand. His shunning me, broke my heart, even though I planned to go back to the farm and leave him. The way he had touched me, filled me with awe, which I kept fighting against because I didn’t want to fall in love with him. I realized it was too late. I was already in love with him, but there was nothing I could do about it. He would bring too much turmoil into my life. He already had!

  The flap of the lean-to was opened, and Inteus stepped into the dim shelter. “What upsets you?” he asked, as I trembled against the buffalo robes.

  “Nothing,” I lied. “I am just tired. I am frightened. I have been taken from my farm. My father has been murdered. Your people have taken all of our food, and then the man who claimed he would protect me, takes off to some vision quest and leaves me with a stranger.”

  I looked up over my shoulder at him. Inteus knelt down beside me, and patted my back.

  “I am a friend. I will not harm you. I am here to watch over you for Muraco.”

  I didn’t say anything. I was too caught up in my own worries to even thank him for watching out for me. I felt him laying down beside me. “Once Muraco has his vision, he will return, and then he will know what to do.”

  “What to do about what?” I asked.

  “What to do about you,” he responded. “He is crazy in love with you, but he tells me you refuse to be his woman. Why do you hold him off?”

  “Because we have opposite dreams. I wish to live on my farm, and he wants me to become an Indian, just like Nigel wants to be. I cannot do that. I would never be happy living like your people live. If he is so crazy in love with me, he would come stay on the farm with me, but I know he could never be happy living on a farm, so there is no use of even asking him to. Besides, Emmet might refuse to let him stay there.”

  “Muraco talked once of learning to live like the white man, since they don’t seem to give us any choice otherwise,” he told me.

  “But he would hate to do it. He is too independent,” I predicted.

  “That is why he is seeking a vision quest, so he will know what he should do,” Inteus insisted. “Little Mountain is getting old, and if he dies, White Moon may be asked to take his place. He has very hard choices to make.”

  “He never told me about taking Little Mountain’s place. He doesn’t tell me anything! He didn’t even consult me about seeking a vision,” I chided.

  “Because it is his vision and decision,” Inteus explained.

  “I can’t even count on him to treat me fairly. One moment he is friendly, and asking me to become his woman, and the next he is turning his back on me, barely talking to me.”

  “He is in conflict. You seem to be in conflict. Perhaps you should go on a vision quest.”

  I laughed. I knew nothing about getting a vision, and even if I had one, I probably wouldn’t know what it meant.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Three days had passed, and yet Muraco had not returned. I tried to busy myself by wandering about the village, watching the Indians performing their daily routines. I watched Nigel practice riding a horse, the way the Indians did it, mounting from the right instead of the left side of the horse; Grabbing the main and laying down on the other side of a galloping horse’s neck to keep from getting shot; Leaping up over the horse’s rear, to mount in the event he must make a quick get away.

  Along with my wanderings, I spent time bathing in the place that Muraco and I usually used. It was on one of these bathing occasions, that I saw Emmet, along with Lomasi together in the river. I don’t think they noticed me, because I was sheltered by the shrubbery and ferns that grew near the bank of the river, but they were clearly bathing together, and seemingly enjoying each other’s company. Since I knew that Emmet was not responsible for protecting Lomasi, I wondered if their relationship went beyond just enjoying each other’s body.

  Emmet had never been around women, except for his sisters, until now, and perhaps he was discovering that he needed the pleasures of a woman, more than he had expected. I briefly thought of Bertha and her occupation of selling her body to men who needed such pleasures. I wondered if Emmet considered Lomasi just like Bertha, and figured he had every right to use her for his own pleasure and satisfaction, until it was time to leave the village.

  It angered me that Emmet was so against being here with the Indians, and yet he thought nothing of enjoying Lomasi’s body, while we remained with the tribe. I thought of how I had enjoyed Muraco’s caresses, but that was all he had given me, and our situation was different.

  I had helped save his life, and he professed to love me, even though he had not said it in so many words. I assumed his need to have me become his woman was his way of professing his love for me.

  I wondered if Emmet wanted Lomasi to be his woman, and if so, if Lomasi wanted it too? She had been so sure that Muraco was the man she was destined to marry, and was willing to kill me, in order to have him to herself.

  I paused and watched them bathing together until Emmet led Lomasi to the shore and began to make love to her. I turned my back, wondering if I should speak to Emmet about it, or just let him do as he pleased.

  At night, Inteus stayed with me in the hut. I had felt embarrassed to sleep with him with no clothes on, so I took to wearing my nightgown, I had brought with the rest of my clothes. I was beginning to think that since Lomasi was so occupied with Emmet, she had probably forgotten about causing me harm. If she did, I was sure Emmet would have nothing to do with her any longer. Only I got to thinking that maybe she wanted to punish me by luring Emmet with her charms, and then causing him some sort of harm, since she knew he was my brother. This made me start to worry, and I wondered if maybe I should talk to Emmet about her.

  Tribal life seemed to go on as usual, as though having us there had little effect on their daily life. We strangely started to blend in with their way of life, I thought, noticing Nigel in his Indian clothes, and the
fact that even Dorie had started wearing a fringed Indian dress that she informed me Tala had given her. Most of the times I saw Emmet, he was usually with Lomasi, and I thought that maybe he wouldn’t complain if Muraco wanted to come live on the farm, or Dorie managed to talk Tala into coming to the farm with her, since Emmet seemed to be accepting a close relationship with Lomasi.

  When ever I saw Bertha, she was always closely guarded by the tall Indian man who had taken her on as his responsibility. She still looked thin and frail, but not quite as frightened as she had at first. Her hair was no longer kept on top of her head any longer, but it was braided neatly. The man she was with seemed kind enough, and always had a smile on his face when I saw him.

  It was late in the evening on the fifth day, that Muraco finally returned. He strolled leisurely into camp, as though he had never been away. No one paid much attention to his return, in the same way, they didn’t seem to notice he was gone. I learned it was a normal occurrence for a brave, or even a woman to go off on a vision quest, according to Inteus. No one ever questioned them for disappearing for however long it took, and then it was rude if they asked the person about the success of his seeking a vision. It was up to the person receiving a vision to share it with the others, if they chose to. Otherwise, it was a sacred experience that they usually kept to themselves. It was expected that each person within the village would eventually have their own vision to guide their lives.

  Therefore, I felt uncomfortable even mentioning it, when he returned. I really didn’t know how to respond to Muraco when he showed up at meal time and joined us, without much to-do. Some of his friends greeted him, in the same way they would on any other day, never asking where he had been, or what he had been doing. I wasn’t sure if I should even say anything.

  Inteus and I were sitting together on a log, eating a stew that had been made with some of the pig meat, along with our potatoes, carrots, and bottled corn. Dorie had done it justice, and everyone in our small group seemed to like the way she made the stew in one of their brass buckets, hung over the fire from a tripod.

  She had baked cornbread to go with it, made from our ground cornmeal, and sweetened with sugar that father had brought back with him from Dodge. The Indians especially liked sugar, because the only sweetening they could use was honey, and honey was a difficult commodity to come by, and almost looked upon as sacred food.

  Muraco went to the pot and filled his bowl, took a square of cornbread, and then came and sat beside us. He glanced at me and Inteus.

  “Thank you for watching Pi au-dau for me,” he murmured to Inteus.

  “As you can see, she is safe and well,” Inteus responded.

  “You didn’t tell me you were leaving,” I said, feeling a little piqued that Muraco had not greeted me, and was speaking as though I wasn’t even there.

  “It is not for you to know of what I choose to do,” he said, which cut me even deeper. It was as though I didn’t have the right to question him about it.

  “Which is why I will never become your woman,” I said hotly. “I don’t want a man who does not think he should share his plans with the person he claims he wants to be his woman. What would be the purpose of such a union, if you can just do as you please and then expect me to sit quietly and say nothing about it?”

  Inteus raised his eyebrows.

  “I see why you want her,” he half-laughed. “She is full of fire, just like her hair. Having a woman like her under the buffalo skins would be a pleasant challenge.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” I snapped, frowning at Inteus. “Could it be Muraco merely wants to take away what little fire I have left? He will never do it, because I am returning to my farm in the spring.”

  Muraco didn’t say anything. He merely looked at me, and then began eating his stew. I got up and walked away, taking my bowl with me to finish my food down by the river, where I would wash out my bowl when I was finished, since we all had to take care of our individual utensils, and keep them with us.

  I sat upon the bank, and watched the river washing by with its usual soothing sound. The birds were trying their best to lift my spirits with their pleasant chirping, before the sun finally set, but I was not feeling happy. I would have to spend the whole winter with a man who was indifferent to my feelings, unless it suited him somehow. I wondered if that was normal for an Indian and his wife, in their relationship. If it was, I didn’t want any part of it.

  I thought about how Dorie thought Tala was handsome and liked how he protected her, but how would he treat her, if she actually agreed to become his woman, I wondered. Personally, I didn’t want to take that risk. I was already feeling hurt and unimportant to Muraco, unless it benefited him to let me in on his plans.

  I was starting to prefer Inteus, as a friend, because at least he was open and honest about what he thought, and told me bluntly how he thought Muraco was crazy in love with me. Only as far as I was concerned, Muraco had not indicated his supposedly deep feelings for me, beyond touching me the way he had. But then I thought about how Emmet had been touching Lomasi, and I didn’t think it had anything to do with love, so what made me think Muraco wanting me to be his woman had anything to do with anything other than the color of my hair and fiery temperament, along with the right to touch my skin.

  “Why do you walk away from me?” I heard a voice behind me say. “You are angry at me because I never spoke to you about my vision quest.”

  “Yes, if you must know,” I said, turning to face him.

  I had finished eating, and set my bowl aside.

  “Why should I show any concern for someone who leaves without even saying good-bye? You don’t care how I feel. You only care about what you want!”

  “I know I want you,” he stated, almost arrogantly.

  “That doesn’t mean anything! You may want me, but you don’t know how to make me feel understood. You think I can just give up my way of life, and come with you, because you want me. Would you give up your way of life and come with me?”

  The question stabbed me as much as him, because when it came right down to it, I was just like him. I wanted him too, but I wanted him to come with me instead.

  “For now, you are with me,” Muraco said stubbornly.

  He was not going to answer my question. Yet, I knew what his answer would be, and he knew I would not like it.

  “I may have to become the next Main Chief, even though anyone can present themselves for the honor. I cannot abandon my people.”

  “And I cannot abandon my farm. So I suppose no one is going to get what they want, are they?” I pointed out.

  “Let us not argue,” he said, tossing his bowl beside mine. “It is time for the evening bath. We can talk of this another time.”

  “Nothing will change,” I predicted, but he didn’t seem to be listening.

  Instead, he was pulling my dress away, looking upon my nude body like he had never seen it before.

  When he removed his own clothes, I was caught up by the beauty of his body, and how the sight of his manhood was causing my heart to begin to beat wildly. I could tell he wanted me, the same way Emmet wanted Lomasi, because I had watched them together, and started to understand the signs of a man taken over by desire.

  Nonetheless, that was all it was, I told myself. Muraco desired me the same way Emmet desired Lomasi, or the way that men were willing to pay Bertha to satisfy their own desire. He liked my red hair, and my spunk, and the look of my body, but I didn’t think he could see beyond those enticements that pulled him to me.

  He seemed impatient to have me near him, and clutched me in his arms, pulling me into the river, as he began ravaging my lips with his. Before, he had been tender and gentle, but now he almost seemed angry and demanding, as his hands raked over my body, seeking something beyond the both of us. He pulled me roughly against him, the hardness of him pressing into my soft skin, as his hands crushed me even tighter in his embrace, until he was pulling me down into the shallow water, laying over me, movi
ng against me, in the same way I had seen Emmet move against Lomasi. I started to worry that he wanted me in the way Emmet had taken Lomasi, and since I refused to become his woman, he would not wait for me to become his wife, before he took me. He would force me, and then insist I become his woman, I thought, frantically. I recalled how Clinton had threatened that very thing, and I gave a small shudder, at the thought.

  His movements against me continued, as his lips devoured my own lips in a strange mad desire, he couldn’t seem to control, and I could feel the hardness of him against my stomach, stroking with a desperate rhythm, seeking something beyond my simple understanding. A moment later, he let out an angry growl, as he pulled away from me.

  “Maybe Lomasi is right,” he grunted, as he tried to catch his breath. “Perhaps you merely have some, strange magic over me, which takes away my discipline, and makes me forget about keeping you chaste and virtuous, as a woman should be.

  “Your red hair makes me go crazy when ever I am around you, and I cannot stop myself from needing the feel of you. You are lucky I was able to gather my honor, and did not end up taking you, the way your white friend tried to do.”

  He stood up, abruptly, and turned away from me.

  “It would be better if Inteus watched you for me, from this day fowards. I cannot trust being so near to you anymore.”

  I sat up, feeling shocked and hurt at his statement.

  “You blame me!” I screeched. “You blame me because you want me so much, and then can’t have me? How dare you! You need to seek out a new vision quest and ask your God to forgive your actions towards me, if you are so helpless when you are near me, that you treat me this way, and then say it is my fault, for having some magic over you!”

  He turned and gave me one long look.

  “Perhaps you are right. I will stay in Inteus’ lodge, which is across the village from my lodge, so you will not tempt me in the future.”