I sat there for awhile, watching the festivities, thinking how I really didn’t belong here. Dorie and Nigel seemed to fit in just fine, and I was surprised that even Emmet was trying to fit in as well as he could. It seemed I was the only one in conflict about the whole situation. I wondered what was going to happen, by the end of winter.
Eventually, I got up and wandered back towards the river, where I planned to have my evening bath, and then return to the lean-to. I wondered how I was going to survive the rest of the winter, as Indian life continued about me, having thoughts of the way Muraco had caressed me, and knowing I would probably never feel his touch again.
I sank down into the water, remembering what Muraco had looked like, when he had removed his clothes and stood before me, with that need in his eyes, before he crushed me to him. I thought of how he felt as he lay over me, wanting me but daring not to take me until I consented to become his woman. I thought of how his frustration and confusion got the better of him, causing him to say cruel words to me to cover up his own lack of self-discipline.
I hugged my arms around myself, as I clung to happier memories of Muraco. When I looked up, Inteus stood on the bank.
“I have come to bring you back to the lodge in safety,” he mumbled.
He was determined to follow through with his promise to Muraco.
I stepped up out of the water, and picked up the blanket I had brought with me to dry with, pulling it around me.
“You just won’t give up, will you?” I half-smiled.
“Muraco is my cousin. I know he loves you. Once he accepts his own fate, he will make the right choice.”
“I thought his vision quest was supposed to help him make the right choice,” I scoffed.
“Sometimes the Great Mystery may hear our longings, but our ears could be closed to the right answers,” he justified.
“What are your longings?” I asked Inteus, changing the subject.
“To do what is expected of me. If Muraco proves to be stubborn, perhaps I will persuade you to become my woman,” he winked.
I laughed. He was trying to put me in a better mood.
“You are a kind person, and a good friend to Muraco, so you know what would happen if that ever came to pass. He would never forgive you, and you would forgive yourself.”
“You are wiser than I guessed,” he smiled back. “Just the same, you cannot stop me from protecting you, until winter is over, and Muraco comes to his senses.”
“It won’t make any difference. He is destined to become the next chief. I wouldn’t want to take that honor from him, and I cannot be the woman of a chief.”
“Then maybe you could be the woman of a mere brave,” he offered.
“I’m going back to my farm. I can’t remain here after the winter and become anyone’s woman.”
“I have heard that growing food can be rewarding,” he smiled.
“Are you saying you wouldn’t mind living on a farm?” I asked.
“If the woman I loved was there, I would consider it. That is why I believe that Muraco should consider it. Maybe he won’t become the next chief.”
“He would be miserable on a farm,” I sighed, clutching my blanket about me, as we started walking back to the lean-to.
“We are already becoming miserable, with the way the white man keeps cutting our land smaller and smaller, until we too will be forced to become farmers. Maybe Muraco would be smart if he made that choice before he is forced into it by other means.”
“I suppose that is up to him,” I said, knowing that like me, Muraco was too stubborn to bend to the way of the white man, no matter how much Inteus professed it may be the wise thing to do.
We had reached the lean-to and Inteus lifted the flap, allowing me to enter before him. I reached for my nightgown, put it on. Only I was undeniably aware that Inteus was removing his clothes, as he had done all the other nights, we had spent together. It wasn’t fair, that I should be given a taste of what it would be like to have a man hold me and caress me, and know I could never have that in my life, unless I agreed to join a wild Indian tribe, or accept the caresses from someone like Clinton, I lamented to myself. Like Dorie said, there was no place to meet young men in order to find a husband. I kept telling myself I didn’t need a husband, so why was I feeling sorry for myself?
We crawled under the buffalo robes together, and I was aware of Inteus’ closeness. There was no way I could convince him to go away, yet I also knew that he would never betray his friend and try to persuade me to become his woman. It would be maddening if I ever agreed to do that, when it was Muraco that I loved, and the only reason I couldn’t have him was because I refused to become an Indian like Nigel and Dorie chose to be.
“I worry about what I am going to do if Emmet doesn’t come back to the farm with me,” I murmured. “He seems so caught up with Lomasi, she may persuade him to remain here with her.”
“Lomasi is only lonely because she cannot have Muraco. I see her watching him with seething eyes. She wants to flaunt herself with your brother, under his nose. She is merely trying to make him wish he had never chosen you over her.”
“But they have lain together! I’ve seen them,” I informed him.
He was quiet for a long moment. “Lomasi has thrown away her virtue out of spite. What will she do if she brings forth a child?”
“I would demand that Emmet make her his wife,” I told him.
“If you didn’t, she would be shunned by her people. No other brave would offer for her, unless Muraco takes pity on her. Maybe that is what she is hoping will happen, because she was supposed to be his choice.”
“Would she go to that length to get Muraco to take her as his woman?” I breathed.
“She was willing to kill you, which would have resulted in her banishment. If that had happened, she would expect Muraco to go with her, to protect her and help her survive. His honor would have demanded it out of his past love for her.”
“Even if she killed the woman he wanted instead?” I asked in disbelief.
“Sometimes honor must guide our steps. That is why I hope your brother has honor, and does not force Muraco to use his honor, if Lomasi becomes with child, and your brother abandons her.”
“He would never do that! I wouldn’t allow it!”
Only I feared that I was having very little influence on Emmet any longer. It seemed like I was drifting apart from all of my family, which made me feel even more lonely.
“I would come help you,” Inteus said softly.
“What are you talking about?” I asked. I thought we had been talking about Lomasi and Emmet.
“If your brother chooses to remain with Lomasi, and you return to your farm, I will come help you, until Muraco sees that he is the one who should do it.”
“You are that dedicated to Muraco, that you would take on his responsibilities for him forever?” I asked, half in awe and half in disbelief.
“I am also dedicated to you, as a friend. If Muraco does not use his honor to take his responsibility to watch out for you, since you saved his life, then I would take up that honor, so he would not lose face. It would be believed that he gave me the honor of watching out for you, if he had to take up the responsibility as chief instead. After all, I am his cousin. Family is important to us.”
“You don’t have to do that,” I said, reaching out and touching his cheek with my hand.
I felt Inteus’ hand cover mine. “You have no say, unless you find another man to watch over you. Then my responsibility would be passed on to him.”
“What about you? Don’t you want to find your own woman?” I asked, not wanting him to sacrifice his happiness because of me.
“My eyes have not found a woman I wish to take as my own, but they are entertained by your fire hair. Besides Muraco will know he has to have his fire hair woman, once he discovers you have returned to your farm. If he doesn’t become chief…” he didn’t finish his sentence. “I have heard that Little Mountain is not well. The
y fear his death is near. If the council doesn’t choose Muraco to take his place, he will be free to make the right choice.”
“Do you believe he is supposed to be with me?” I asked.
“It is up to the Great Mystery, but if Muraco does not return to you, I will offer for you in his stead.”
“Don’t you dare get involved with me, like that!” I cried. “It is bad enough that I have let myself fall in love with Muraco!”
“I have not offered yet,” he laughed, and then he leaned towards me and gently kissed my lips. “If Muraco does not choose you, my honor would beg to protect you.”
Then Inteus wrapped his arms around me. It was the first time he had ever held me, since he had come to watch over me in Muraco’s place.
“I will talk to Muraco. If he knows I plan to offer in his place, he may think more seriously about having you as his own, no matter what it takes to be with you.”
“You are going to try t make him jealous, the same way Lomasi is trying to do,” I accused.
“It will be a test to see if he goes back to Lomasi or chooses you over her, after all. Then we will know where his heart really dwells.”
“It is not a test; it is a trick,” I insisted.
“Someone has to help him make the right choices,” Inteus murmured against my hair, “even though there is a part of me that hopes he leaves you to me.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Indian summer ended abruptly with a chilling wind which brought freezing weather. Overnight the edges of the froze. Frost covered the ground and what leaves on the trees that did not already fall onto to the ground. The chilling wind blew leaves about the winter camp, and whatever else it could grasp in its relentless fingers. Whatever could be blown away was secured, and most of the Indians spent their time inside their teepees and huts, cooking their own food over their own fires, frequenting the sweat lodges in order to bathe, since the river was too cold to use any longer.
Usually, families entered the sweat lodges together, pouring water over each other for their evening bath. When the weather was unusually cold, many would take advantage of the sweat lodges just to warm the chill in their bodies. Otherwise, they remained under the warm buffalo robes in their teepees or huts. The women did their beadwork, and the men worked on their weapons.
Winter was considered a time to rest and make love and reflect upon the future, as the tribe waited out the weather. If the snow was deep, it was difficult to gather wood to keep the endless fires of the sweat lodges and the individual family fires going day and night.
I had not seen Muraco since Dorie’s wedding, if one could call it a wedding. I had barely spoken to Dorie either, since everyone started doing their own cooking inside their teepees and lean-to’s. Dorie seemed happy about her choice, though, and I was pleased she was not disappointed in Tala, or the Indian way of life.
I was glad that I had talked Muraco into chinking the cracks in the lean-to, because it kept Inteus and myself warmer than it would have otherwise, and we did not have to burn as much wood to keep the small space toasty warm.
I discovered that Emmet had moved into Lomasi’s teepee for the winter, so I was somewhat sure how they spent their time together. Maybe he had asked her to become his woman, and if he didn’t remain here, he would bring her back to the farm with him, I speculated. We seldom talked any longer, because Lomasi did not like me, and he didn’t want to upset her, so he said.
From time to time, I could see Muraco in the distance. He seemed to spend most of his time at the tribal clubs, where the men sat around smoking pipes and talking village politics. He was probably preparing himself to become the new chief of the Kiowa, I decided. Or maybe he did it to keep his mind off of me, because he made no effort to come to see me or Inteus.
However, Inteus did see him at the big lodges, where the clubs met together, so he at least knew what was happening with Muraco and the health of Little Mountain. Little Mountain had been wounded at the same time Muraco had gotten shot, and because of his age, it seemed harder for him to spring back to his healthy self again.
Inteus told me that Little Mountain was planning on going to the leader of the military at Fort Sill, come spring, to make peace with them, so they would not bring their cannon back and blow the rest of the tribes away.
Inteus and I sat in the sweat-lodge together, taking turns pouring water over each other, and running a cloth over our bodies. He was always gentle, yet somewhat indifferent, when ever he touched me, always maintaining the proper emotional distance, when it was necessary to touch me for any reason.
We had become close friends because we spent so much time together in the lean-to during the cold weather, talking and sharing our feelings with each other.
Sometimes we talked about Muraco, and he kept assuring me that Muraco was struggling with his feelings for me, knowing I would never consent to become the wife of a chief, if that is what Muraco ended up being. He assured me, though, that he felt that Muraco still loved me and I should wait until I discovered if Muraco became the next chief, before I gave up on him.
“The food storage is getting low,” Inteus mumbled, as he ran a cloth across my back, pouring the warm water over me as he went. “We may have to take a hunting party out to see if we can find some game to eat. The cow you brought has stopped giving milk, and they are discussing whether they should use her for food.”
I didn’t want to think about it. “I raised Buttercup from a baby,” I murmured. “If they spared her, I could get a bull and breed her next spring again. I need her for my farm. As it is, I will have to replace all the foul, since your people started eating them, when they stopped laying. I shuddered, as I tried not to think about the fact that they had also eaten Hope, and Buttercup was all I had left.”
“Then pray we find game,” Inteus mumbled.
I turned and started running the cloth over his back, and pouring water over him, as we took turns bathing each other. I watched as the fire glistened over his damp muscles, and thought how strong he looked.
“You will make a good wife, once Muraco makes his choice,” Inteus said, turning and looking at me. “Your hands are gentle, and caring. I wish it was me you wanted as your man.”
“I don’t know that I want anyone to become my man,” I murmured. “There is too much pain involved in loving someone,” I told him.
“Yes,” he said softly. “I know.”
He looked deeply into my eyes as he said it, then rose, and took my hand.
“We should return so someone else can use the sweat-lodge,” he suggested, wrapping my blanket around me, and then taking up his own blanket.
When we came through the opening, we discovered a new layer of snow had fallen while we were inside, covering the trail we had taken to the sweat-lodge. All the snow had melted, and we thought maybe it would be the last of the snow, even if the ground was still frozen. Spontaneously, Inteus picked me up in his arms to carry me back to the lean-to. “I can walk,” I told him, feeling strange in his arms.
“I know,” he smiled, but he did not put me down.
It was then, I looked up and I could see Muraco coming towards us.
“I see you are taking good care of Pi au-dau,” he mumbled, as he met us. “You need to get dressed and come with us. A scout has discovered a herd of elk, not far away, and if we hurry, we will bring back meat for the village.”
After Muraco shared the message, he turned, without even glancing at me, or saying anything.
“You are wrong,” I murmured in Inteus’ ear. Muraco does not love me. I don’t think he ever has. It is just that I saved him, and he mistook gratitude for love.”
“Give him more time. I think my plan is working, since I could see the jealousy in his eyes, when he approached us.”
“That was not jealousy. That was indifference,” I pointed out.
“You know little of Muraco,” he smiled, and kissed me on the cheek.
He had done it on purpose, because as I looked over his s
houlder, I could see Muraco watching us. Maybe Inteus had been right, I thought, so I kissed him back on the cheek, as I looked straight into Muraco’s eyes. When I did that, Muraco turned and stormed away. If he wanted me so much, one would think he would at least try to come and talk to me about it, I thought, but I had yet failed to even slightly understand the way that Indians thought or felt.
Inteus confused me as well. He was always there for me and was helpful and kind. He constantly nurtured my hope that Muraco would come and confess his love for me and offer to come with me back to the farm. However, on other levels I believed he hoped that Muraco would become the Main Chief, and take on his tribal responsibilities, leaving Inteus space to offer himself to me. I wondered if I would accept his offer, because I knew he was willing to come stay at the farm, since he had offered to help me, if Emmet didn’t come back to the farm with me.
I could see by the way he looked at me, or even touched me, he was trying to fight off the same need of me, that Muraco claimed he had to fight against and needed to keep under control. It seemed that both of the cousins were keeping their feelings under control, where I was concerned.
Inteus left with the rest of the group that was heading out to hunt the elk. They even allowed Nigel to go with them to experience his first Indian hunt, and I saw Sport following at the ponies’ heels. I looked and noticed Emmet watching the group leave also, so I went over to where he stood.
“I guess Nigel is happy to get away from the camp to do some hunting,” I smiled.
“I hope he is as good with a bow and arrow as he is with a rifle.” Emmet murmured.
“I haven’t seen you or Dorie very much this winter,” I commented, as I looked sadly at him, thinking about how close we all used to be.
“The cold weather has kept us all inside,” he shrugged.
“I hear you are staying in Lomasi’s teepee,” I said, wanting to know what was going on in his mind. “Does this mean you are going to ask her to become your woman?”
Kiowa White Moon Page 20
