by Haywood, RR
Relief washes over her and she lets a long gasp of air out, closing her eyes and thanking whatever deity is watching over her. Reaching the top she looks over the forms of sleeping children and those injured and sent up who stare with eyes made slack from the sedatives and pain killers given out by the doctors. Bandages everywhere. Limbs wrapped in clean dressings so stark against everything else covered in grime, filth and shit.
She threads a path through the bodies, nodding at the other men and women until she reaches her spot. The spot she claimed when they ran up to keep the children safe. By the low wall that Howie and the others fired from when Darren led his army against them. She wasn’t here when that happened. None of these people were. They didn’t see the sacrifices made to keep this place safe and give their species a chance to survive.
She slumps down to rest her back against the wall and instantly adjusts position to stop the pistol digging into her spine.
‘What?’ Sam asks
‘What?’
‘Look on your face,’ Sam says.
‘What look?’
‘What’s going on, Pea?’
‘In a minute,’ Paula whispers, ‘just act normally.’
‘You are bloody joking I hope,’ Sam chuckles without humour while edging closer to her friend. ‘What’s happening?’
‘In a minute.’
‘Paula bloody Gabriel…’ Sam says, adopting a stern expression.
‘I hate it when you call me that,’ Pea whispers, ignoring the stern expression.
‘Paula Gabriel.’
‘Stop it.’
‘Paula Gabriel.’
‘Sam, stop! I’ll tell you in a minute.’
‘Paula Gabr…’
‘Fine! I’ve got a gun…’
‘What!?’
‘Shush,’ Pea whispers, waving a hand at her friend.
‘Why have you got a gun?’
‘Lilly gave it to me.’
‘Lilly?’
‘Yes, Lilly. The blond girl…’
‘I know who Lilly is. Why did she give you a gun, Pea?’
‘I don’t know,’ Pea exclaims then winces at the volume of her own voice, ‘She just did. She came out of the hospital with Lenski and just stopped when she saw that girl…’
‘What girl?’ Sam asks, desperate for more detail.
‘Er…she was with Darius…Escort or…Focus or something?’
‘Sierra,’ Sam says, rolling her eyes, ‘you did that on purpose.’
‘I did not.’
‘So did,’ Sam says.
‘I forgot her name.’
‘Yeah right, anyway…so go on…’
‘Well, Lenski and Lilly came out and Lilly was holding the gun and they just stopped when they saw that Ford girl…’
‘Pea!’
‘Okay, they stopped when they saw Sierra, she’s got a big machine gun by the way.’
‘Who has?’
‘Sierra, I just said that.’
‘Oh right, yeah I’m with you now. So?’
‘So Lilly hid behind Lenski then rushed over to me and slipped the gun into my hand and told me to take it and hide it.’
‘She never did?’
‘She so did,’ Pea says, nodding earnestly.
‘Why?’ Sam asks, lowering her voice again and leaning even closer.
‘Don’t know,’ Pea says, ‘I don’t think she wanted Ford girl to…’
‘Pea…’
‘Fine! I don’t think she wanted Sierra to see they had it.’
‘What about Maddox?’
‘Oh god I didn’t tell you that bit.’
‘What bit?’
‘Maddox got carried into the hospital.’
‘Why? What for?’
‘He passed out.’
‘Well that Lani did tazer him like a hundred times,’ Sam says, ‘so it must be Maddox’s gun, right?’
‘Might be,’ Pea says, shrugging.
‘Where is it now?’
‘Down the back of my jeans. You’d better take it.’
‘Me?’
‘Yes you,’ Pea says leaning forward ready to tug it out but finding a hand pushing her back against the wall.
‘I’m not taking it,’ Sam says in panic, stopping her friend from leaning forward.
‘I can’t bloody keep it.’
‘Don’t give the bloody thing to me.’
‘Sam, you’re better at things like that. You take it.’
‘Better at hiding guns? When have I ever hidden a gun?’
‘You hid that joint in school.’
‘Pea! That was over twenty years ago.’
‘You still hid it,’ Pea says reaching back to tug the gun free.
‘Pea, no…put it away…I’m not taking it…’
‘Take it…quick before someone sees.’
‘No! Put it back in your pants.’
‘Put it in your pants,’ Pea says, thrusting it into Sam’s lap, ‘you know I can’t hide things…I always get caught.’
‘Pea, it’s a bloody gun.’
‘Remember that time you went on a date and I told your parents you were at my house?’
‘Oh that’s not fair.’
‘Take the gun.’
‘Pea…’
‘Quick, someone’s coming.’
‘Shit,’ Sam says, tucking the gun down the back of her waistband, ‘Where?’
‘What?’
‘You said someone’s coming.’
‘Yeah, er…no, I just said it. But you got the gun now.’
‘Fuck’s sake,’ Sam tuts. ‘But you…you can do the whole face thing better than me.’
‘The what?’
‘The face thing…the resting bitch face…I can’t do that.’
‘What on earth has that got to do with anything?’ Pea asks.
‘If anyone asks us…I’ll go red but you can do the whole resting bitch face thing.’
‘Leave my bitch face alone.’
‘I’ve got a gun now, I’ll shoot you.’
‘Do you know how to use a gun?’
‘No. Do you?’
‘No.’
Silence, pursed lips and furrowed brows. ‘Don’t you just pull the trigger?’ Sam asks.
‘Probably a safety switch or something,’ Pea replies, ‘like on the movies.’
‘Oh, yeah probably,’ Sam says.
Silence again and they sit shoulder to shoulder leaning their backs against the wall. Both exhausted, drained, filthy, hungry and thirsty. Sam stretches her legs out, sighing audibly as she adjusts to stop the gun digging into her back, ‘What if it goes off?’
Pea looks over at the serious expression on her friends face, ‘Go off?’
‘Yeah, what if it goes bang?’ Sam says and snorts a dry laugh at Pea’s slow grin spreading across her face. ‘You’ve caught the sun,’ Sam says looking at Pea’s darkening olive skin.
‘Is my hair frizzy?’
Sam looks up, cocking her head to one side as if in contemplation, ‘yeah,’ she says slowly, ‘it’s really frizzy.’
Silence again but not awkward. A silence between people who have been best friends since childhood can never be awkward. They grew up together. Went to school together. Dated boys and went to each other’s weddings. They helped raise each other’s children and had lives entwined with the deep bond that can only ever come from a shared life. Nothing was ever left unsaid between them and a glance or the lift of an eyebrow was often all they needed to convey a whole raft of emotional messages.
They were together when it happened. At Pea’s house watching a scary movie. On the sofa with snacks. Popcorn, crisps and red wine. While the world tore itself apart they watched actors tearing themselves apart while laughing and giggling. Then the movie just stopped and the technical error message came on the screen. That was funny too as it was right at the climax of the movie. They pressed buttons and even turned the satellite box off but the movie never came back on.
Instead they learnt, as so
many did, of what was happening in the real world. They both had husbands and children but neither families were ever seen again. The one thing they had was each other. The darkest of days and the even darker nights when they wept and hid. When they held each other through the grief. When they ran and fell only to stop and help the other up to keep running and keep hiding.
It was the not knowing that was the worst. The displacement from their homes. The separation from everything that was familiar. The running. The constant struggle just to stay alive, all of those things were hard but not knowing what happened to their families was the worst of all.
Somehow. Through either divine miracle or pure luck coupled with a spirit inside that refused to curl up and die, they kept going. A whisper from another survivor. A fort. A man called Howie. It was a fragile rumour but enough to give light in the darkest of those nights. The next morning they headed south and joined the straggling lines of people threading their way to the fort.
If they had ever been separated it would have been over but they weren’t. They had each other. They still have each other.
Pea looks down at the feather tattoo on her friends foot and the sadness rushes back in. The sight of something so familiar to her eyes and it reminds her of all they have lost. Sam senses it, feels it. She nestles closer and reaches a hand over to clasp Pea’s with a squeeze. Words are not needed and in silence they wait.
Lilly reaches the top of the ramp and stops. Her mind whirling as she turns round to see Lenski is still coming up behind her. Another glance down to the fort at the black clad youths, now so fewer in number but all armed to the teeth once again.
They were too late. Lenski was right. Lilly blames herself for not understanding fast enough what Lenski was trying to say. Without Maddox here the youths have once again turned into the sullen child soldiers showing disdain to everyone else. She can see they’re shocked from their drawn faces and hooded eyes. From the way they keep looking to each other for comfort and how they cling to everything Sierra is telling them and that hierarchy they have been taught shows true as they see her as the next number one. Why not Lenski though? She isn’t one of them, that’s why. It’s not race or the colour of her skin, or even the fact she’s Polish. The kids are made up of every ethnicity, race and culture. Lenski just isn’t one of them. She’s not from the estate. She hasn’t been forced to fight to survive and run from the police and have well-meaning patronising social workers giving out colouring books when they attend state funded counselling. The crews would take orders from Howie and his group but only because they’ve seen how tough those people are. Lenski is strong in mind but she hasn’t fought with them. She hasn’t smoked weed, got drunk, had scraps or proven herself in the pecking order.
Billy is fast asleep and Lilly looks down with a fresh surge of worry at Milly and her brother curled up in the space vacated by Meredith. The thought of Meredith makes the pain in her heart so much more acute. The dog’s mere presence somehow soothes the children around her, but Meredith isn’t here. Nick isn’t here.
‘Look worse from here,’ Lenski says, falling in beside Lilly as they stare down into the fort.
‘We can fix it,’ Lilly says with a tone firmer than the belief inside. She turns round, scanning the heads until she spots the dark haired woman at the far side sitting next to another woman. Both of them leaning casually against the wall and trying not to look at Lilly or Lenski.
‘She have gun?’ Lenski asks, seeing the dark haired olive skinned woman.
‘She does,’ Lilly says.
‘You know this woman?’
‘No.’
‘She been here for some of the days yes?’
Lilly goes to reply but stops, hesitating as she tries to find order in the memories within her mind. Everything seems so different. Time is different. Like it’s moving faster. How long have I been here? A week? Longer?
‘How long have I been here?’ She asks in a voice rasping from exhaustion and the filth of the fires hanging in the air.
Lenski shrugs, showing that same poker faced non-committal gesture, ‘Two days? I think two days.’
‘Two days,’ Lilly murmurs, closing her eyes for a few seconds in a vain effort to reset her perception of time. ‘Would you get Milly for me please?’
‘Milly?’ Lenski asks, watching Lilly squat down to lift her sleeping brother into her arms. ‘This girl yes?’
‘Please.’
‘Who are you?’ A sleepy Milly asks, peering through heavy eyes on being scooped up by the Polish woman.
‘I Lenski.’
‘Do you like chocolate?’
‘Yes I like.’
‘Night, Leski’
‘Lenski.’
‘But…it’s not night time now,’ Milly says staring round suspiciously at the bright day.
‘Shush, go sleep.’
‘Do you like sleep?’
‘I like sleep. Go sleep.’
‘Okay Leski.’
‘Lenski.’
‘Hi,’ Lilly whispers on reaching the two women, ‘Can we join you?’
‘Sure,’ Sam says with a glance at Pea.
‘Thanks,’ Lilly waits politely, like waiting for someone to move up on a train seat. The virtues of societal politeness and etiquette that held civilisation together. Sam and Pea move up. Not that they needed to move up as either side was empty but it shows the same politeness in an act done to overtly show their own politeness. Around them lies death. The stench of it hangs as strong as the smoke from the fires but the three nod and smile and make appropriate noises of gratitude as Pea takes Billy from Lilly and waits, holding the sleeping boy until Lilly sits down.
Lenski just sits down. She doesn’t nod or smile or show any outward sign of emotion. Even when Milly slides down to a more comfortable position in Lenski’s lap and rests her head on Lenski’s bosom she shows no reaction. Whatever she feels, whatever she thinks is locked inside.
‘Lilly,’ Lilly says leaning forward to look down at Pea and Sam.
‘Paula,’ Paula says.
‘Sam, hi,’ Sam says lifting a hand.
The three look at Lenski who looks back and shrugs, ‘What?’
‘That’s Lenski,’ Lilly says after a second.
‘Paula,’ Paula says.
‘Sam, hi,’ Sam says lifting the hand again, ‘She’s Pea.’
‘What Pea?’ Lenski asks glaring at Sam.
‘Paula is,’ Sam says.
‘No no it’s fine,’ Pea says quickly.
‘What fine?’ Lenski asks now glaring at both of them.
‘She prefers being called Pea,’ Sam says, ignoring the glare.
‘I’m happy with Paula though,’ Pea says, very aware of the glare.
‘Pea?’ Lenski asks, ‘this your name?’
‘Er…well,’ Pea smiles, ‘my name is Paula but…’
‘What Pea then?’
‘I think,’ Lilly says diplomatically, ‘This lady is called Paula but her nickname is Pea. Is that right?’
‘Yes,’ Pea says nodding rapidly at Lilly.
‘Oh. I see this yes?’ Lenski says with a curt nod, ‘Pea.’
‘Yes, Pea,’ Pea says.
‘Like the food or like the urine?’
‘Er…’ Pea freezes.
‘Like the food,’ Sam says, ‘P E A…you know…The Jolly Green Giant?’
‘…’
‘The Jolly Green Giant,’ Sam says at Lenski’s blank look, ‘you know…the adverts…HO HO HO GREEN GIANT,’ Sam says affecting a low deep voice.
‘I Polish,’ Lenski says.
‘Oh, don’t you have the Jolly Green Giant?’
‘It’s fine, honestly,’ Pea says blushing furiously, ‘and the Jolly Green Giant was sweetcorn, Sam. Not peas.’
‘I…’ Lenski hesitates with a glance at Lilly rubbing her forehead and smiling politely.
‘It was an advert for peas,’ Lilly says.
‘Peas,’ Lenski says.
‘Sweetcorn,’ Pea s
ays.
‘Oh,’ Lilly says, ‘It’s very nice to meet you both,’ Lilly adds.
‘Father Christmas do the ho ho ho,’ Lenski says.
‘So did The Jolly Green Giant,’ Sam says.
‘Honestly, it’s fine,’ Pea says, wishing the ground would open up from the protracted discussion on her nickname.
‘Pea yes?’ Lenski asks, looking at Pea who just nods and blushes again.
‘I am sorry for doing that,’ Lilly says, ‘giving you the gun I mean…we didn’t want them to see we had it?’
‘Honestly, it’s fine,’ Pea says again.
‘You have it?’ Lenski asks.
‘I gave it to Sam,’ Pea says looking at Lenski then looking away from the intensity of the stare coming back.
‘I’ve got it,’ Sam says, ‘Do you want it back?’
‘Would you mind keeping it for a little while?’ Lilly asks.
‘Yeah sure,’ Sam says.
‘It’s fine, honestly,’ Pea says again.
‘What’s going on?’ Sam asks, so direct and to the point it makes Pea wince.
‘I mean you don’t have to tell us though,’ Pea adds quickly, ‘it’s fine, honestly.’
‘Stop saying it’s fine,’ Sam says reaching a hand out to squeeze her friends. A gesture seen by Lilly who smiles warmly at Pea.
‘Maddox wanted to disarm the children,’ Lilly says, whispering carefully, ‘but he passed out from being tazered and…well, Sierra appears to given them all their guns back.’
‘Aren’t you in charge of them?’ Sam asks Lenski. ‘Can’t you just tell them to put them down?’
‘I no say this,’ Lenski replies. ‘I not in charge like this way.’
‘And now we’ve got armed children in here again,’ Lilly says, ‘but without Maddox’s authority to tell them what to do.’
‘How is Maddox?’ Pea asks, ‘is he okay?’
‘He fine,’ Lenski says instantly.
‘Er,’ Lilly pauses, choosing her words carefully. ‘The doctors said his vital signs are good but…well they don’t know really. He’s had a back shock so…’
‘He fine. He wake up soon.’
‘But er, but just in case he doesn’t wake up…’ Lilly says.
‘Maddox not die.’
‘Oh god no, I never said that. I mean…no of course he won’t but… well, just in case he doesn’t wake up for a while…’ Lilly says as both Pea and Sam nod in understanding.
