Everything All at Once

by Steven Camden

  and you’ll be proud of me.

  Whatever teacher’s teaching

  whatever they’re teaching

  feeling pleased that their message is reaching me deeply

  completing the puzzle and making

  me smarter

  charging me up to push and try harder

  has no idea that

  as I’m gazing out

  my face is

  the front

  of an empty house.

  At the back of Maths

  while the rest of the class tackle graphs

  Jack and Matt pass a note back and forth and cackle laughs.

  Dominique is doing this thing with her feet, making both her heels squeak on the leg of her seat

  Morgan is awkwardly trying to yawn caught between feeling naughty and boredom

  Alissa and Kirstie sit earnestly working in search of a word of approval from Sir

  Gemma and Tristan pretend that they’re listening nodding in sync to prove that they’ve heard

  Abdul is scribbling circles in curves filling his page with whirlpools of o’s

  Dylan’s pretending he’s scratching his forehead secretly digging his thumb up his nose

  Famida’s inspecting her nails like a surgeon

  Arif is sneakily checking his phone

  Dominic’s holding his head like it’s hurting

  Abe is just slumped like a lump of old stone

  and I sit, watching, drinking them in

  making up rhymes for the lives that they live

  cos that’s my thing, sitting to the side, silently rhyming

  capturing time with each blink of my eyelids

  recording it all in a verse for just me

  on my own in my head till the bell sets us free

  and as we walk out I give my words marks out of ten

  then head straight to next lesson where it all starts again.

  If they found out

  they’d move me away from my friends, slide me up with those kids

  who sit smug at the front

  the ones with rich parents and

  monthly new trainers

  whose lives feel like films

  where they get what they want

  My break-times would shatter into

  shards of me lonely

  cast off across bridges

  I sent up in flames

  the bonds that I’ve built

  through shared

  ghost dads and blankets

  would snap as they all spat out

  knives at my name

  So I hide it.

  Always.

  Behind half-hearted nods

  manufactured confusion

  keep a grip on my hands

  I let answers grow moss in the base of my skull

  as I breathe in

  the taste of

  the fraud

  that I am.

  So,

  we were next to the cloakroom

  five boys back again

  same morning routine

  every day at half ten

  Jerome had his phone out

  with Stormzy on loud

  Zak was rhyming along to an invisible crowd

  Sean was being his hype man

  fingers stabbing the air

  Malik was digging his afro comb

  into his hair

  I was sipping my grape juice

  surveying the scene

  then I saw her, right there

  at the vending machine

  And

  WHAM!

  Everything froze

  Stormzy went silent

  my friends struck a pose

  It was like someone had pressed pause on the remote for the

  world

  as I tilted my head

  and stared at this girl

  I don’t know what you call it

  I’ve never felt it before

  when you feel like you’re floating

  but stuck to the floor

  and I know it sounds cheesy

  I know it’s real lame

  But the only thing I cared about

  right then

  was her name

  ‘Who is she?’

  I said

  And the world kicked back in.

  Zak and Sean with their concert

  Malik’s cheeky grin

  ‘Who’s who?’ said Jerome

  As he wheeled up the tune

  ‘One more time!’ shouted Zak,

  ‘The bell’s gonna go soon.’

  ‘She’s amazing,’ I said,

  quietly, under my breath

  as I stared straight ahead

  with my friends to my left.

  She was stroking her lip

  with her coin as she chose

  and her uniform looked like

  the most perfect clothes

  She was older

  no question

  Year 11, or 10

  light years out of my Year 8 league

  but just then

  she looked over

  straight at me

  and my body went numb

  I felt like a planet

  that orbits the sun

  And right there

  in that moment

  nothing else mattered

  I don’t even care if you think

  I’m being dramatic

  I felt it

  She felt it

  the forces at play

  Then the bell went

  she smiled

  and just walked away

  It was perfect

  and fleeting

  a scene from a movie

  I felt every emotion

  go running right through me

  ‘Yo, back here, lunchtime,’

  said Zak

  as they left.

  I just nodded

  still trying

  to regain my breath.

  There’s that pause

  a vacuum

  slice

  of a second

  the minute hand quivers

  before a new breath

  They look up

  like mice

  silent timer conditioned

  and when

  the bell finally rings

  they’ve already left

  Staring out of the window again

  the green of the pitches is calling again

  feel that itch in my muscles, the sigh in my bones

  as the teacher’s voice muffles, I drift on my own

  breathe in, close my eyes

  breathe out and I’m there

  outside on the grass, surrounded by air

  No talking, no questions, no turn of the screw

  just the drum in my heart telling me what to do

  so I

  run

  and I run

  and I run and I run

  and the faster I go

  the more I become

  I am bullet and arrow

  and cheetah

  gazelle

  I am peregrine falcon and phoenix from hell

  I am synapse and fibre and neuron

  and flame

  I am Thor’s hammer lightning, too cosmic to tame

  I am me

  when I run

  I can see

  when I run

  there is nothing that I cannot be when I run

  I am anything

  everything

  cutting through time

  And yet somehow

  I’m completely

  still in my mind

  when I

  run

  can I

  run

  let me

  run

  long to

  run

  have to

  run

  and just

  run

  and just

  run

  and just

  I’m standing in line

  behind people I don’t know<
br />
  queueing for food I don’t like

  Can somebody tell me

  where do I go

  to get a refund on my life?

  A thousand voices

  fighting to speak

  the scraping of plates

  the squeaking of feet

  The cackle of laughter

  an embarrassed squeal

  the packed lunchers trading

  to get the best deal

  I move with the queue

  slowly shuffling my feet

  my hands grip my tray

  Way too nervous to eat

  Eyes re-scan the room

  sure to cover each zone

  searching for someone

  so I’m not alone

  See,

  that’s the problem with best friends

  no matter how cool:

  who the hell do you sit with

  when your best friend’s off school?

  There’s fire in my blood

  screams in my head

  hands stabbing at my back

  feet feel like lead

  Tornado in my stomach

  howling out for lunch

  a pack of jeering, hungry dogs

  begging me to punch

  I look across into her eyes

  confusion fighting terror

  she’s never known the random force

  that’s thrown us both together

  But I have

  I do

  it’s stitched into my body

  the hard one, the scarred one

  the one who’s never sorry

  That’s who I am

  I’ve always been

  the character they made me

  but something in this new girl’s eyes

  is saying it can save me

  The crowd’s howling, pushing, growling

  teacher must be coming

  they want to see my claws come out

  before they all start running

  But I can’t move

  I just stare

  across into her eyes

  and feel myself fill up with truth

  that flushes out the lies

  I don’t want to be me

  I want to be her

  I don’t want to be feared

  I want to be heard

  I’m tired of fighting

  tired of frowning

  tired of rolling my eyes

  tired of drowning

  I want to float

  I want to talk

  I want to hardly feel the ground beneath my feet

  when I walk

  I want to step into a room

  and no one whispers or gets scared

  I want to read a book

  sit on the grass

  and feel nobody care

  We can help you

  say her eyes

  We can do that stuff together

  we can disappear

  into the crowd

  and be ourselves

  forever

  Really?

  Really. I hear you.

  She hears me.

  So we do

  this girl and me

  we make a silent pledge

  we leave our bodies

  where they are and float

  out to the edge

  And as the crowd stands booing

  the teacher cutting through

  this girl and me

  we walk away

  off into something new.

  It’s that door

  the unknown

  teacher fortress

  full blown

  sorcery

  secret powers

  inside jokes

  stolen hours

  After bell

  catch a glimpse

  Mr Bailey, Mrs Simms

  laughing?

  What about?

  Feeling queasy

  full of doubt

  don’t trust it

  or them

  in there

  together

  why we not allowed inside

  what they hiding, treasure?

  It stinks

  I say we storm it

  an army full of uniform it’s

  doable

  I know it

  we have to overthrow it

  who’s with me?

  raise a fist

  weapons, smoke bombs

  hazy mist

  Anyone?

  No?

  Fine,

  but don’t bother coming crying.

  These teachers keep the upper hand

  cos none of us are trying.

  Isn’t that your little brother?

  You can’t choose

  your family

  but you can

  hide

  Turn just a fraction too slow

  What? Where?

  Let the ship of embarrassment

  sail by

  Somehow we share

  genes

  pieces of code that make me me

  are in him too

  so why is he like that?

  He’s always been different

  Special, Mum said, but she never had to

  watch friends stare, confused

  while he sprints like a greyhound

  in circles round the school

  It makes him happy

  like nothing else

  Leave him to it

  Suit yourself

  Maybe he’s part dog

  simply happy with what he’s got

  You try and start a conversation and he’s already gone

  running

  always running

  but not away

  more towards

  running to something

  I don’t understand.

  Keep your voice down

  Why?

  It’s delicate

  What is? Why are we in here?

  Cos it’s quiet

  What happened?

  David and Lisa

  What about them?

  What do you think?

  I have no idea

  You don’t?

  No

  No?

  What? No. No way.

  Yep.

  For real?

  That’s what I heard

  Shut up

  Fine. Forget it then

  David? And Lisa?

  Yep. At Liam’s party.

  On Saturday?

  Yeah

  But I was there

  So was I

  I didn’t see them. Hold up, who told you?

  Does it matter?

  Course it matters. Was it Reese?

  Who cares?

  I knew it. It’s rubbish. Reese is full of it

  No he isn’t

  Yes he is. Remember when he told everyone his dad was Kano’s manager?

  That was in Year 8

  So what? He’s still Reese

  I guess

  Allow him. Besides, Lisa don’t even like David

  How do you know?

  Trust me. I can tell.

  It was perfect

  the timing

  like stars aligning or

  looking up from your book when the class is silent

  just as she does

  so perfect you can feel it in your spine

  the kind of moment that you know

  will be engraved into your mind

  Last minute

  PE

  Josh on the ball

  I break free of my marker and give him the call

  as I sprint into the box

  Josh nutmegs his man

  quick look up at me

  I’m raising my hand

  and he whips it

  a perfect curve arcing my way

  the keeper comes out

  like he’s certain to save

  but I cut to the near post

  spring

  off my toes

  sun cuts through the clouds like

  the
universe knows

  this is meant to be

  the perfect cross from Josh a gift

  sent to me

  my forehead meets the ball like a perfect piece of destiny

  Bang!

  Top corner

  the ripple in the net

  my team mates are all screaming

  we won

  11–10

  I just lie there on the grass

  facing up towards the sky

  Mr Evans blows his whistle

  and I almost start to cry

  from pure joy

  there’s nothing in the world

  as good as this

  so from the bottom of the pile-on

  I just smile

  in pure bliss.

  I can see them

  through the glass

  thirty people

  new class

  can’t swallow

  mouth dry

  deep breath

  You’ll be fine

  feel small

  hands sweat

  You can do this

  Don’t forget

  You’re ready

  Let’s go

  feet stuck

  oh no

  can’t move

  Yes you can

  Get in there

  Push the door

  Seize the day

  Hit the floor

  You’re amazing

  You’re great

  Now you’re here

  It’s fate

  I’m so nervous

  they look mean

  I’m the worst there’s ever been

  That’s enough

  Get together

  You are funny

  You are clever

  Let’s do this

  so I do

  open door

  stepping through

  room goes quiet

  people stare

  try to focus on my chair

  walk to board

  take a pen

  hand is shaking

  nerves at ten

  feel their eyes

  burn my back

  write the letters

  glossy black

  deep breath

  turn around

  ‘You can call me, Mr Brown.’

  Look at it.

  So beautiful.

  So perfect.

  So pristine.

  A hundred fields of perfect snow

  So crisp and oh so clean.

  So straight along its edges

  So smooth on front and back

  So many possibilities

  Somebody hold me back.

  The smell is so

  Incredible

  The colour blemish free