phil jones2

by J. R. Karlsson

  Smith scowled in the man's direction but the good Doctor seemed unperturbed by his gaze and continued speaking unabated. 'I just went down to the nearest replicator because ours had been shut off for some reason and I figured I'd get myself a pair of these.' he gestured his spindly arms down at the abominations that covered his feet and made a few more squeaky steps to emphasise them. 'Aren't they just fantastic?'

  Terry fully expected this Agent Smith character to pull out a weapon and unload it on the unfortunate Doctor, instead the ghost of a smile twitched onto his lips.

  'Nice shoes, Doctor Samej. It would appear that while you were replicating them your patient here was accessing the computer's database. If you could keep him occupied for a time I would be grateful, and may put in a good word with Captain Jones for some extra replicator credits.'

  Doctor Samej's face lit up at the possibility of whatever these replicator credits were, he squeaked back and forth in giddy excitement and nodded his head. He wouldn't have made a very good poker player, that much was apparent. Smith on the other hand...

  'I am glad to see that we are in agreement Doctor. Make sure that Mr. Stevens here doesn't access the medical computer again.'

  'Shall do, Agent Smith!' Samej said, now at rapt attention and giving an awkward looking salute to the man.

  Smith's smile seemed to be twitching, as if he couldn't maintain it for much longer. 'I shall be in the cockpit should you require me.' he replied before striding off.

  Well, that was the end of getting any more information about where the hell he was, unless...

  'Doctor Samej, what other things to the inertial dampers do on board the ship?'

  'Yes.' Samej replied, and proceeded to wander off elsewhere with a series of squeaks.

  Very helpful. Clearly quizzing the Doctor for answers wasn't going to get him anywhere. He wasn't going to leave his fate in the hands of his one-time gym buddy and a crew of people he didn't know with suspect intentions. He had to find a way to get more information about this vessel and the space around it, but how?

  'A sailor went to a sea, sea, sea to see what he could see, see, see but all that he could see, see, see was the bottom of the deep blue sea, sea, sea.' came the haunting voice as Doctor Samej stared out of one of the windows into space.

  'What's that?' Terry asked.

  'Hmmm?' Samej turned, as if noticing the man for the first time. 'This is a window, it helps you see outside. They're very useful, do you not have them where you're from? Would you like some cheese?'

  'What? I mean...sorry?'

  'Cheese.' Samej repeated, staring at him with a strange intensity. 'Would you like some?'

  'Yes.' Terry said after a time, wondering where this was leading. 'I would like some cheese.'

  The Doctor shrugged his shoulders and squeaked over to the replicator. 'Are you working for me yet?'

  'Affirmative.'

  'I would like some cheese.' Samej informed the computer, his voice sounding more formal than before, as if the acquisition of cheese was an important ceremony of some kind.

  'Would you like your usual cheese, Doctor Samej?'

  'Affirmat... I mean... Yes.' Samej said.

  A blue beam shot down from the replicator and distributed two plates with cheese on them. Samej grabbed them both and squeaked back over to Terry's bedside. 'Cheese.'

  'That it is.' Terry replied, not knowing what else to say to the man.

  'This is a crusty Edam.' Samej proceeded to inform him, unfortunately not between mouthfuls of the stuff. 'It has a very specific taste to it once it has matured to this point.'

  'I thought you were a medical doctor?'

  'I like cheese.' the medical doctor informed him, munching away as if it were the last piece he'd ever have. Then again on this ship that was entirely possible.

  Terry stared down at the cheese and decided if he was going to gain the trust of at least one of the crew members then this was a necessary evil. Trying hard not to breathe in the pungent aroma, he bit down upon the cheese and tried his hardest not to grimace.

  'What do you think?' Samej asked immediately.

  'It's... very good.' Terry said, gasping between mouthfuls with tears in his eyes. 'I've never tasted an Edam like it.' he ventured truthfully.

  Samej's face lit up in appreciation of Terry's kind words. 'I'm so glad someone else likes my favourite cheese. The rest of the crew won't even try it.' the man's face was akin to a theatrical actor sped up one hundred times, morphing one minute from eagerness into exultation through to sadness with a hint of loneliness. It was exhausting to even look at him as he threw these reactions out. The frizzy pink hair certainly didn't help when it came to taking him seriously, bobbing back and forth as if it had a life of its own.

  The ship rocked at a thumping sound that came from outside of the bulkhead, sirens went off in unison and Terry nearly dropped his plate. He didn't want to see what the Doctor's reaction to dropped cheese would have been.

  'What's going on?' he asked.

  Samej continued eating cheese as if this bombardment was the most natural thing in the world. 'It sounds like we're under attack.' he said between a mouthful of the vile Edam. 'The crew don't do so well nowadays since their Engineer left.'

  Terry frowned at that. 'Doesn't a big ship like this kind of need an Engineer?'

  'Yeah, but since they're fugitives from Star Command they're not likely to pick one up.'

  This was a remarkably astute insight for a man in big red clown shoes that squeaked as he walked. Doctor Samej seemed to have settled down now that he had got his cheese and Terry planned to make the most of that while it lasted.

  'So what you're saying is that they need an Engineer but have no way of finding one?'

  Samej nodded. 'I offered some memory drugs so that Lieutenant Annika could multi-task as the ship's Engineer but she refused.'

  'She refused? Why? What are these memory drugs you speak of?'

  'They allow someone to pick up things really quickly if they have an inquisitive enough mind, which the Lieutenant certainly does. She didn't fancy them because of the side-effects.'

  Terry rubbed his chin. 'So what you're saying is that someone could pick up all the Engineering stuff with these drugs?'

  Samej nodded, looking down at the empty plate as if he was expecting more cheese to sprout from it. 'Yeah, I guess so.'

  'Tell me Doctor Samej, does Engineering have a computer in it?'

  The doctor's head hadn't stopped nodding from the previous question, and continued to do so which Terry assumed meant that he was saying yes in his own way.

  'And it isn't tied into the medical computer in any way, is it?'

  Samej shrugged. 'I don't go down to Engineering, all the wires and lights scare me.'

  Terry looked around at the bright lights and assorted needles that adorned the sick bay and chose not to comment on that particular utterance.

  'So how long does it take for these memory drugs of yours to work?' he asked instead.

  Samej blew air out of his lips that would have been classified as a biological weapon on some planets. 'About... Forty minutes?'

  He blinked. 'So I could go from being boring old me to a super genius in like... the course of a day?'

  'Well yes... but the potential side-effects of...'

  Terry wasn't listening. 'A super genius. Let's do this!'

  'Does this mean you're going to abandon sick bay and leave me here all on my own?' Samej said, tears welling up in his eyes.

  'What? Uh... no! Not at all! You see...' Terry scrambled for ideas. 'You can stay in touch with me over the communications system! That way you will always have someone to talk to.'

  Samej seemed to spend time pondering over this, then looked down at his plate again. 'Will you come and eat cheese with me in the future?'

  'Sure, whatever it takes, just give me the genius pills so I can get down to Engineering.'

  'Okay then.' Samej said, clearly not believing a word that he had just been list
ening to.

  'Excellent, now, where are these super drugs you were talking about?'

  Samej squeaked over to a large counter and started rummaging, resulting in a series of tubes and containers flying over, onto and sometimes into his hair. The clown shoes and haphazard manner didn't fill Terry with confidence, but he was desperate at this point. He couldn't keep sitting here doing nothing while the rest of the world was out there potentially conspiring to kill him.

  Unfortunately for Terry, he was forced to rely upon not just the medical capabilities of Doctor Samej, but the organisation skills of the man too. If he couldn't find the drugs, and he seemed to be having great difficulty doing so, then his bold idea was dead in the water.

  'Any luck finding them yet?' he asked hopefully as a series of bottles flew past, narrowly missing his head and causing him to duck.

  'It's here somewhere, I just need to reach back a little further. There it is! Here, take two of these.' Samej said, popping open the container on his flat palm and thrusting it up to Terry's face.

  'Er... thanks.' he said. 'Got a glass of water?'

  'Water, no cheese.' Samej specified to the replicator with a tinge of regret, a sparkling glass of carbonated water appeared. What kind of computer was this, to prefer carbonated water over still?

  'There you go.' he said, handing Terry the glass and tapping a squeaky shoe impatiently. 'Come on, I want to see what this does!'

  'You mean you don't know?'

  Samej shrugged. 'I've done tests, but you will be the first person I've tried it on.'

  This didn't seem like such a good idea after hearing that, but now that he had the water and pills in hand he didn't feel like he could refuse. 'Alright then, let's get this over with.'

  He downed the pills and grimaced at the disgusting water, trying to ignore the bubbles as they soured what would have otherwise been a potable drink. He just hoped this did the trick, otherwise he'd be stuck here forever.

  Aside from a brief rumbling in his stomach he didn't feel any different, but the thin hand of Doctor Samej pushed him back down onto the bed with surprising force nonetheless.

  Forty minutes, that was how long Samej said it would take. If he could just keep from dying in the next forty minutes then he should become a genius, that was how it worked right?

  Now that he thought about it, he was feeling a little dizzy. Perhaps it was best that the good doctor had forced him down like that. No sense in staggering about the sick bay and bumping into equipment like a fool when something was clearly happening. He just hoped that it was positive, he really didn't fancy dying because of a couple of measly pills. Then again it was probably a marginally better way to go than being blasted to smithereens by evil forces beyond his control.

  These next few minutes were going to be the longest of his life, he just knew it.

  'Are you awake?' the doctor's voice asked.

  Terry sat up, taking his time but noting that he felt a little less dizzy after doing so. 'I think so... yeah. This isn't a dream, right?'

  Samej blinked at him, as if he was giving the question some serious consideration. 'I don't know... oh no... I don't know! We might be in a dream!' he shouted, flapping his arms about in panic.

  Clearly this wasn't a dream then if the Doctor was still acting like an idiot.

  'Why do you ask me anyway? It's only been a few minutes. I was a little dizzy there but nothing major.' that was when he noticed that the doctor was still doing his best impression of a startled bird. 'Doctor?'

  The flapping ceased for a time and Samej gave him a confused look. 'What? It's been a full hour, I was thinking you'd never wake up.'

  'Computer... time.' Terry stated.

  Silence gave him time, but it was time to realise that he had been locked out of the computer systems. The image of Smith's face popped up instead, not looking anywhere near as friendly as the computer sounded. 'Mr. Stevens, this is your last warning. Do not ask the medical computer anything further.'

  'Understood.' he mumbled. 'Do you have the time on you?'

  Smith snorted and the transmission terminated. Whether he had the time or not, the Agent appeared to not want to share it with him.

  'It really has been an hour.' Samej said, pointing at a large novelty watch that was strapped to what could only charitably be called an arm due to it not sprouting leaves.

  A whole hour had passed and he hadn't even noticed, what was wrong with him?

  'Do you mind if I start tests now?'

  'What sort of tests?' Terry asked, 'they don't involve prodding me with anything, do they?'

  Samej shook his head. 'Not unless you really want to. Some people don't think they've had a proper medical exam unless you poke them or inject them with something.'

  The good doctor seemed to have calmed down from his earlier panic and there was now a glimmer of curiosity in his eyes that highlighted to Terry just how much of a guinea pig he was in this scenario.

  'Oh all right then, so long as they're painless I'm up for anything.'

  Samej didn't do any rustling or rummaging through his various supplies this time, instead he pulled out a set of cards as if he was about to transform into a quiz host. 'I will show you six different cards, you have to tell me what you see on them in reverse order.'

  The first he held up was a block of Edam cheese, the second was a magpie, the third was some kind of squid, the fourth a giant hand, the fifth was a circus tent and the sixth looked to be a mug of egg nog. He repeated these back in reverse without any trouble, then again he could probably have done that without any performance-enhancing drugs.

  'Very good!' Samej clapped, shuffling the cards and trying again. Once more the result was not in question.

  'Okay, so now we need to mix it up a bit more.' he said, pulling out a second set of cards. 'On each of these is a medical procedure, there are twenty of them.'

  Terry nodded, and silently wished there were training montages in real life.

  Test after test, card after card, it became more than apparent to him that what he was dealing with wasn't sheer chance or simplistic memory tricks. He really was sucking in not only the sight of these cards but the knowledge off them as they became increasingly complex.

  Samej put down the final card and clapped his hands together in excitement. 'That's all of them! You did it! Hurrah!'

  He thought that was far too much exclaiming for any one man but chose not to voice his opinions, it wasn't like anything he said was going to change the... what he thought was a man... standing before him.

  'So does that mean I'm free to go down to Engineering then?'

  Samej's elation vanished, replaced by that same mopy expression from before. The doctor appeared to have grown very fond of him, and the thought of parting seemed to have triggered some kind of horrific issue he had with letting go. Was he ever going to let him out of the sick bay?

  'You promise me you'll be in touch, right?' he asked, tears welling up in his eyes once again.

  'On my honour, I won't forget what you've done for me, Doctor.'

  A long sigh and a few squeaks from the shoes. 'Okay. You are free to go to Engineering.'

  Remembering his dizziness from before, Terry didn't so much bounce off the bed as stagger slowly. It wasn't the most graceful of departures but it was such a relief to stand a chance of passing through those sick bay doors and getting to witness the ship beyond. He looked back and saw Samej waving behind him, he afforded him a wave in return. After all, he owed the Doctor that much, if not much more.

  'Computer?' he asked hesitantly, waiting for the image of Smith to pop up out of nowhere and shoot lasers at him or something.

  'Awaiting command.' the pleasant tones resounded about the hallway of the ship.

  'Can you show me how to get to Engineering?'

  'Affirmative.' the computer replied, and a sequence of green arrows appeared out of the deck plating to guide him.

  Well, that was easy enough then, just follow the arrows.

&
nbsp; He proceeded his merry way down the deserted corridors and was beginning to grow suspicious of his luck until he finally heard voices from up ahead. Nobody but Doctor Samej knew that he was out of his room, it wouldn't do to be bumping into any of the crew before he made it to Engineering.

  'Computer,' he whispered, hoping his voice didn't carry as far as it sounded in this empty corridor. 'I need a hiding place from the voices up ahead.' voices that most certainly were growing louder by the passing moment.

  'Please follow the yellow arrows to the shaft beyond.' the computer informed him, and the green arrows he had previously been following were now replaced with yellow arrows that had already started fading back into the bulkhead.

  Terry dutifully followed them around the corner, hoping that he wasn't too late and spotting that they led into some kind of open hatch. A hatch that presumably was fit for purpose when it came to hiding from unwanted attention, all he had to do was crawl in and...

  The voices he had heard before necessitated his rushing, and he found himself tucked away in a cramped compartment at floor level listening to the sounds of footsteps as they grew closer.

  'I still don't understand why you've quarantined him in sick bay, couldn't you just give him some quarters and make it seem like he's more of a guest than a hostage?' came a female voice, talking about him it would appear.

  'He's a liability to the ship that we cannot afford, especially when heading into Voravian space when we shall be assailed by far worse than what just occurred.' that would be the unmistakable nasal drawl of Agent Smith, who didn't sound the least bit pleased at being argued with.

  'You call him a liability and you still allow Doctor Samej to be onboard? He spent his afternoon going down the corridors on a pogo stick because he said nobody was in need of medical attention.' there was a slight pause then. 'Why are you smiling? Did you give him those extra replicator credits?'

  'If a man wants to pogo stick down the corridors in his spare time, who am I to stop him?' Smith asked, the unmistakable sound of humour in his tone.

  'You are impossible.' hissed the woman.