Closing Costs

by Liz Crowe

  "Go to hell." She spat out. "You have no say in this. None." Her whole body ached to have him close, but her mind would not let her yield. Too many years of denial and anger between them, perhaps, but there it was.

  "Actually I do. I won't make your prove anything. We will just have a quiet understanding between us. Got it?" He kissed her then, forcefully, with an urgency that made her moan as he pressed her against the kitchen counter. He tore his lips from hers and stepped back. "I'll pick her up tomorrow. We'll talk more," and he was gone, the door making an annoying soft click behind him.

  She shook with fury, remorse, and a weird sense of relief. She'd been holding herself together for nearly four years, operating under a strange sort of immaculate conception myth in her own head. She watched his car pull out of her driveway. Maybe, now, they could make something different work.

  ****

  "Shit. Fuck. Goddammit all to hell and back…Argh!" He pounded the steering wheel all the way home. An incoming call dinged through the radio; he glanced down. Evan. He hit the answer button on the wheel.

  "What?"

  "In civilized countries we say "hello" when answering the phone."

  His friend's voice was light, but Jack sensed something was wrong.

  "Fuck off. I'm in a shitty mood."

  "Good. Me too. It's why I'm calling."

  His house felt cold, empty and pissed him off to no end. His psyche could not take much more – the abstinence from both vanilla sex and BDSM play made him positively jump out of his skin. The few women he'd taken on perfunctory dates just to get off later danced through his head, making him wince at his own neediness. His cock slammed against the back of his zipper, his balls ached and his head pounded. He jerked the shower on full force and stepped into the burning hot streams, coming at him from above and the sides.

  By the time he got out, his hard on still raged. Fury made the room dim. He flopped down on the bed, ran his hand up and down his shaft and proceeded to relieve a bit of stress to the point where he could at least walk. Wandering downstairs, heart heavy but head full of Katie's voice, he noted the time and wished he could talk to his sister. Then again, she'd just brow beat him for being such a pussy. He sighed, grabbed his keys and headed out to meet his friend.

  "You know Gordon, you are being a real pussy about this." Evan held up a beer bottle.

  "You know Adams I don't care what you think, right?" Jack poured another splash of bourbon in his glass, ignoring the topless woman on his lap. The music surged and pulsed around him. "Hang on sweetheart," She had leaned in to lick his ear. He handed her a twenty. "Go bother somebody else, babe. Sorry. I'm not in the mood." Evan sighed and did the same with his companion. "What's your problem? I told you my sad sack story. It's your turn."

  "Julie wants a baby. I don't. I thought she didn't. We fought. Now I'm here with you like a loser instead of home with my wife where I fucking belong." He sighed and drained his beer, signaling for another.

  "Huh." Jack sipped and watched the stage show. It had zero effect on him. He felt numb, packed in cotton, with a need so urgent to go back to Sara's right now he had to grip his thighs to keep from leaving.

  "Yeah." Evan turned to the show then too and the men stayed silent until agreeing without speaking to leave.

  ****

  Sara frowned at the unfamiliar number on her screen. She ran her fingers through her shower wet hair and answered it.

  "Sara, hey. It's Julie."

  "Oh, hi there." She'd met Evan and Julie a couple of times years ago. It was all part of the complex web of friendship Jack wove which included Suzanne. The woman stayed silent. "Um. Can I help you with something?"

  "I was wondering if Evan was with you, I mean with Jack."

  "Jack's not here. So I don't know. I can call him..."

  "No. That's okay." Sara sat, poured a glass of wine. Julie's few words spoke volumes.

  "Would you like to come over? I mean, I know we don't know each other that well but.." …but now that I plan to do everything in my power to get Jack back I might as well make friends with his friends, she finished in her head.

  "Oh, no, that's all right."

  "No, really, I mean it. I have some decent wine and a few snacks. Let's chat. We can compare notes on how shitty the men are and that kind of thing."

  Julie laughed. "Fine. What's your address?"

  Within an hour they were drunk enough to start declaring themselves best friends forever. But Sara did feel good about Julie. She'd never really had a close female friend. She mistrusted other women, had been burned by several supposed girl friends in college, and had limited her engagement with females in general outside of work. By the time Julie was weaving back into her kitchen to open another bottle, Sara had to focus to not see double. But it was fun, God dammit. She smiled at her new friend.

  "I want a baby so bad." Julie dropped onto the couch. "You're lucky."

  Sara tried not to snort too derisively.

  "No. Not lucky--just fertile with bad timing."

  "Evan was such a total shit about it tonight. Claimed I misled him. I've just changed my mind. He won't listen."

  Sara patted her friend's knee. "They are total shits. That much is true."

  "Jack's cool though. Honestly. I like him."

  "Yeah, he is." They sipped their wine. Sara sighed, ready to admit how she felt. "But he's wrong for me, or something. We can't seem to get it together."

  "You have the perfect excuse. Why don't you just go with that? Let him be her dad like he wants to be. You both try too damn hard to find excuses not to be together. You realize that right?"

  "Because, I just can't. He's too volatile. I won't put her through it." Sara pointedly ignored the fact that she had come up with just that–another excuse.

  "Oh honey," Julie set her glass down on the table and leaned back, hand over her eyes. "He loves you more than anything. You'd be better off if you acknowledged it. Shit." She grabbed for her buzzing phone, leaving Sara to contemplate her words. "What? No. I'm not home I'm out. Why? Screw you Adams I'll be out as long as I please." She ended the call. "That went well." Then she burst into tears.

  Sara's phone rang. She rolled her eyes. "What are we in middle school?" She asked before Jack could say anything.

  "So she is there?" His voice sounded muffled.

  "Yeah. She is. I'm putting her to bed on the couch."

  "Okay. Thanks." He was quiet but remained on the line. She swallowed hard.

  "You can take Katie to Florida next week."

  "Thank you. I…I appreciate it."

  "Like you said Jack, we'd better figure out how to deal with each other as adults if we are gonna do this…co-parenting thing or whatever. But, you stay Uncle Jack. Got it?" She closed her eyes to keep the room from spinning. It made it worse.

  "Whatever you want."

  "What I want is irrelevant. I'm not sure I'm ready to admit that yet. But this is how it has to be, for now."

  "I know what I want." His voice dipped low, buzzing in her ears.

  Sara didn't say anything, afraid she'd blurt out something drunken and stupid.

  "I want you." Then he hung up.

  Chapter Thirteen

  "Mommy."

  The morning had started late. Sara slapped a sandwich together, added a banana and Katie's favorite chocolate chip cookies and threw it all into her daughter's lunchbox. The girl sat perched on the kitchen counter, her usual spot, observing Sara with what felt like a critical eye. "Mommy, I don't like that kind of cookie. You know that. Here, give it to me." Sara handed the girl the lunchbox, watching as she reassembled it and added the juice box Sara had forgotten in her haste.

  "What?" She tried not to snap. "We're late."

  "I like Uncle Jack." Sara clenched her eyes shut.

  "Yes, honey. So do lots of people." She winced at her cattiness. "I mean, he's very likeable."

  "He's taking me to Disney World." Sara looked over her shoulder at the girl. Her eyes were wary, as if testin
g out the concept. Sara felt a corresponding irritation at the challenge. But kept her voice level.

  "I heard. Lucky you. Do you want to go with him?"

  "I think so. I mean, if it's okay with you. That's what he said."

  "It's okay with me."

  "Have you gone on vacation with him before?"

  Sara shivered. "Why?"

  "He said you had, that you had a good time. Did you meet Mickey Mouse and have a Princess dinner? He said we would."

  Sara ran a hand down her daughter's face. The girl sat, finishing her cereal and watching her mother scurry around. "No sweetie I didn't. But you'll have a good time, I'm sure. Where is your backpack? I told you to leave it by the back door. Shit." She yelped as her toe connected with a chair.

  "It's okay Mommy, I'm ready." And she was. Sara sighed and looked at the girl.

  "I'm sorry, baby. I'm not a very good mommy sometimes."

  The girl pulled her down to eye level and put her hands on Sara's shoulders. Her green eyes were serious. "You are the best mommy I know. Now let's go. We're late."

  The afternoon had been slow so Sara met Katie at the daycare door, hoping to surprise her. She had spent all day pondering the girl's response to her whining about not begin a good mom and had concocted a bit of a "girls' day" for them in her head, full of laughter, swings at the park and a picnic. The disappointment on the girl's face made her frown. "Where's Uncle Jack?" She demanded, crossing her arms.

  "I'm here honey. Uncle Jack just helped me out yesterday."

  "I want him." She dug in her heels, her lower lips staring to quiver.

  "C'mon. Let's go to the park. The one near the DQ." She held out her hand.

  "No." A tear dripped off the girl's small nose. "Why do I have so many uncles anyway?" Sara tried not to overreact.

  "Because you are the luckiest girl on the planet, that's why." She scooped her up and held on tight, fighting the urge to agree with her.

  Katie sniffled a little. The smiled, putting her hands on Sara's face. "Okay. But I'll bet Uncle Jack would like to go with us to the park. Let's call him."

  ****

  One Week Later

  "Hi Mommy!" The sound of Katie's voice made Sara's eyes burn.

  "Hi baby! I miss you so much! Are you having fun?" She leaned back in the chair and let herself acknowledge that the week she thought she'd enjoy – one free of any and all daycare drop-off or pick-up, meals that balanced and the necessary laundry to appease Katie's fashion sense –had had the opposite effect. She'd been miserable in the echoing, quiet house.

  "I love it so much here! It's sunny and warm and I saw Mickey and had the Princess dinner and have been swimming and water sliding with..."

  Sara let the girl's words swirl around in her brain. Finally she interrupted the monologue. "Are you wearing sunscreen and…"

  "I know all that, Mommy." The exasperation in the girl's voice set Sara's teeth on edge. "Uncle Jack wants to talk to you." There was a rustling then Jack's deep voice filled her ears.

  "Hey. I think it's a raging success. I'm officially a Walt Disney company investor by this point, if money spent at an individual resort is any indication of…"

  "God I miss her Jack." He laughed.

  "Of course you do dear. She's your daughter. You've been with her for her entire life. Cut yourself some slack."

  A loud screech made Sara flinch. "I will assume that is a sound of joy and not terror or pain."

  "You can leave me in charge, never fear. Katie, get down off the ceiling fan."

  "Jack!"

  "I'm kidding. Thanks for letting her come with me. It means a lot to me. I know it was hard for you to agree to it."

  "No, it wasn't really. I just wanted you to work for it a little."

  "That's my girl. Stubborn to the last. Gotta dash. We have a date with a mermaid or some shit I don't know." Sara smiled.

  "Have fun. See you soon."

  Chapter Fourteen

  By the time Katie returned, Sara had worked herself into a frenzy. Jack had proven true to his word – had forced her to take a hard look at her office's expenditures, threatening cuts and all sorts of crap. The strict, personal hands-off policy he'd adopted regarding Sara made her insane. But the office sales numbers were picking up thanks to her focus.

  Of course, it took two to Tango at that you know. You could meet him halfway. It's within your power to change all this. You want to. Step the hell up. Close the gap.

  But she wouldn't. The hurt of the past years ran deep and her fear of experiencing it again kept her aloof, matching his demeanor. She re-focused on the spreadsheets in front of her, attempting to justify expenditures that did exceed all other sales offices, by a lot. Management sucked. Her phone buzzed with a text.

  "You there? We need to talk."

  Jack.

  She frowned at the clock. Nearly six-thirty. Julie had agreed to get Katie from daycare and the girl had been hysterical of the idea of a "mani/pedi" with her mommy's new friend.

  "Yeah. For a little longer. What's up?"

  "I'll be there in ten." She rolled her eyes at his need to be mysterious but her scalp tingled at the prospect of seeing him again.

  Her office offered privacy, not that she thought they'd need any. She made an effort not to apply lipstick, fuss with her hair. God knows he'd seen her at her absolute worst, she wasn't about to go out of her way to primp for him. She buried herself in the cost analysis again to distract from her need to pace, brush her hair, anything to look good for the man. By the time he rapped on her doorframe, she jumped in surprise.

  He handed her a double skim latte in a cardboard cup and sank into the chair by her desk before speaking. "Fuck me running. This management thing sucks on so many levels I can't name them all." He ran a hand down his face. She couldn't help but grin as she sipped the perfectly timed caffeine.

  "Yeah, and I guess I can thank you for my role in it." She leaned back.

  "I want to do more with Kate." She shook her head at the abrupt change of subject.

  Narrowing her eyes at him, her natural reaction was to resist his continued insertion in their lives. "What do you mean more?"

  "Give me some days to pick her up; do the afternoon stuff. Like on a regular basis."

  "Well…"

  "C'mon Sara, I'm crazy about that kid. I thought we had an understanding." She sighed.

  "I don't know. I'm sort of surprised that's all. You didn't want to have anything to do with her for so long. I don't want to confuse her with another "uncle." She's already…" She stopped not willing to let on what sort of affect he'd already had on Katie.

  "That's my fault. And yours. But I told you I wanted to play a bigger role. Now I'm here to sort out the details."

  Sara put her feet up on her desk. "Lucky girl."

  "Well, you made that call for yourself, my dear." He mirrored her, propping his own feet up on the opposite hers. They sat in silence. "Offer still stands."

  "Oh Jack you are .."

  "Persistent? Incredibly talented? Madly in love still?"

  She laughed. "Stubborn?"

  "Hello, kettle this is pot…" he grinned over his cup at her, setting her nerve endings jangling. "I miss you Sara." Those simple words, said countless times before, had a different effect on her today. She stood and walked around to face him, leaning on the desk. He merely looked up at her. The space between them crackled with energy. She took one step past him and shut her door, then stood, hands on hips.

  "Okay, persistent. That's fair." Putting her hands on the arms of the chair, she leaned in and touched her lips to his. He stayed completely still; let her lead. She licked his lips, parted them with her tongue, their only contact by mouth but with more than enough between them to fill a book. She sighed when he yanked her down to his lap, forcing her to straddle him, digging his fingers into her hips.

  He fisted his hands in her hair, pulled hard, making her gasp. When his lips and teeth touched her neck, she had to hold back a yelp of pleasure.r />
  "I need you so much. I…Oh God," She gasped as his hands roamed up and down her back, tugging her skirt up and cupping her ass. The hard bulge of his arousal beneath her made Sara want to whimper. But she couldn't seem to find words that adequately reflected her convoluted feelings.

  "What do you want from me, really?" His words were muffled, his mouth stayed pressed to her neck then down between her breasts. "Because I can give you this," He clutched her ass, ground his cock into her clit. "And this," his hands moved up, tugged her hair again, bringing tears to her eyes. "And definitely this," He yanked her blouse up, freed one breast, ran his thumb across her nipple. "But," his hands cupped her face, making her look into his eyes. "It's not enough for me anymore. I need more from you." He pushed her up, confusing her as her body continued to thrum and pulse with the kind of anticipation only Jack could ever provide. He stood, put his hands in his pockets.

  Sara caught her breath, and in a split second had herself wrapped around the tall, strong body she still dreamed of, covered the firm lips she continued to fantasize about to that very day. He groaned, met her half way and the world drowned in her sea of lust, frustration and something deeper. She forced that aside. Their teeth clicked, tongues tangled with urgency as he pressed into her. She cupped the hard ridge of his cock, breathless, her ears buzzing with need.

  "Dear God, Sara, I," he hissed when she slid his zipper down, reached in to grasp him. The smooth velvety skin covering the rock hard steel of his need made her groan, as her pussy pulsed in anticipation. The fact that he seemed utterly undone by her, unable to maintain total control as he usually did, made her body clench.

  "Stop," his voice growled in her ear. He put a hand over hers, took it off his cock and leaned back to face her. "I need to be inside you, to taste you, fuck you, to own you like I did once. I need it so badly I can hardly fucking breathe. But just…stop." She could hear the strain in his voice.