Hold My Hand

by Paloma Beck

  “I am fairly sure you’re submissive.” He spoke so confidently that I didn’t argue. I wasn’t certain he was necessarily wrong given my basic understanding of the word.

  “I don’t know. I’m only me –just Aubrey- and I have next to no experience.”

  “You’ll learn. I’ll teach you everything you need to know, exactly what I expect, what I want and when I want it. And if my instincts are right, you’ll become good at giving it to me.”

  “And if I don’t?”

  “I’ll punish you. And if my instincts are correct, you’ll enjoy that as well. But,” he paused and I could hardly breathe, still drowning in that water, “it will hurt. It will be discipline so it must teach a lesson.” His mouth turned up in a wide, Cheshire cat grin, one that reminded me that I was the canary.

  I swallowed but my throat was dry and I began to cough. William passed me my water glass and watched as I regained my composure. I’d come to desire this man despite not knowing what that meant. Now he was laying it out on the table for me to accept or decline.

  “I don’t know if I can do this.” Even as I said it, I knew I wanted to try. Maybe this, his dominance, was what had been drawing me to him. That presence he had that called to me could be the same desires he was talking about now.

  He continued to stroke my wrist with his thumb. I found it soothing. “I believe you can but it’s for you to decide. Tonight I give my proposal. I’m going away on business for a few days. When I return, you’ll give me your answer.”

  For the longest time, we were both silent. I suspected I’m the only one uncomfortable with this. After another sip of my wine, I asked, “Why me?” Eyes cast down; I watched his finger stroke back and forth on my wrist, mostly to keep from looking up at him and seeing what he must think of my question.

  “Oh, Aubrey, sweet girl,” I felt his smile, unwilling to look up and see for myself the look he held. “I’ve watched your gentle spirit for months now. I’ve noticed the books you keep stacked behind the counter – most likely to read on your breaks – and I’ve listened to you speak to the people who come by. They may be ordering coffee but you give them each a piece of you. Your words, your kindness, your heart and your intelligence have all captured my attention.” His pause was longer this time. I thought he was done speaking when he drew my hand to his lips and kissed my wrist. “Then I see this other side you think is locked away. It’s a sadness, a wayward little girl who needs guidance. I can give you that structure.”

  William shocked me by how well he’d seen through my walls. I’d worked years to hide behind them and, until now, no one had dared to go around them. How did he see me so clearly?

  “Aubrey,” William caught my attention by calling my name. “I believe you’ll fit into my world perfectly.”

  “And your world is this dominance and submission?”

  “That, yes, is the most important but there are other parts of my life as well.”

  “So we will date?” I asked, feeling both equally uncertain and awkward.

  “Yes. We will date.” He paused, smiled, and continued, “And explore. We will explore a relationship.”

  “A relationship,” I repeated his word – this simple word that I could not fathom the meaning of. “Meaning dominance and submission?”

  “No, sweet Aubrey,” he chuckled and shook his head, “meaning William and Aubrey.” His words stopped any further questions I might’ve had. Instead, I returned my gaze to my hands which were now squarely in my lap.

  *****

  Drawn from my thoughts by the movement at the coffee shop door, I saw him. William. His eyes surveyed the small shop and then rested on me, a smile lightening his face and causing those strong creases around his eyes to deepen. I wondered about his age. There was more character in his face than I detected in the men my age. I thought maybe he was a lot older than I was but I didn’t know for certain then. He hadn’t told me and I hadn’t asked. I hadn’t asked much of him.

  William was a vision to behold and I sat a bit straighter knowing he was there for me. He walked with purpose, confidence radiating from him like beams of the sun that caused you to shield your eyes and look away. Still, you crave the touch of the sun’s warmth. He’s like that. I sensed I should turn away but was drawn to him at the same time.

  I was caught by him. I was absolutely, unintentionally ensnared. Held by the look in his cocoa brown eyes when he spoke, commanding me. I shivered at his words as if they were touches sliding down my spine. His commands –even the simplest instructions over dinner- invoked a fear in me that served only to feed my need for him, my desire. I wanted to sink myself into him. I wanted my life to become his even though I knew –there’s a part of me that truly recognized–wanting such a deep claiming was maybe somehow wrong, I could no more help my desire than I could resist taking my next breath. It was him. He created this desire within me and I wanted nothing more than to allow him to lead me, to guide me, to dominate me. I craved his power over me so purely that I only needed to follow.

  I’m not the only person in the small coffee shop that looked up and noticed him when he entered and that little tinkling bell rang over his head. He was jaw dropping handsome. The black shirt he wore stretched across his broad shoulders and was tucked neatly into a pair of black trousers. William dressed this way every time I’d seen him. His attire reflected his ever-demanding role as the businessman I knew him to be though I didn’t know yet what business exactly. Another question I’d failed to ask.

  The dark curls that fell onto his nape and down his forehead were slightly wet. I noticed the gym bag hanging from his shoulder and couldn’t help but consider just a few short minutes ago, this magnificent man was naked, wet in a shower rinsing the sweat from his body. I also couldn’t help but wish I’d been with him to clean him, running my hands down his chest, lathering soap and stroking him. It seemed all I ever wanted, especially since our dinner, was to be with him. Even before I ever was, even just when I was watching him, I would dream of him. Yet my unlearned body doesn’t quite comprehend what being with him would feel like.

  “Aubrey” His voice was deep, husky and warm. The word alone kicked up my heart rate. Then he took my hand from the table, raised it towards his lips, turned my palm over and kissed my wrist. The touch of his warm skin on my pulse point made me jump. His eyes were fastened to mine, though slightly hooded as I remembered from our date a few days ago, a few days that seemed so long ago now.

  William’s hand on my thigh brought me out of my thoughts of him naked and back to the coffee shop. He sat down in the chair beside mine – not across from me but so close beside me our thighs touched from top to bottom. He still hadn’t let go of my hand and I could feel his warmth like a blanket. I wanted to snuggle into him. No, I wanted to crawl on top of him, become closer to him than I’d ever imagined wanting to be with a man.

  I smiled over at William but kept my eyes cast down. He made me jittery, nervous like I’m seventeen again living under my father’s roof. Though William had never told me I was ugly, fat, or stupid, the same tension that built up when I was near my father reared its ugly head when I was with William. No, I considered for a moment, not that same tension exactly because I wasn’t so afraid I wanted to run. Instead, I was excited by the tension, so overwhelmed by William’s very presence. He’d told me I was beautiful, bright, and sexy so I knew it wasn’t the same.

  I told myself my desire to please was different this time. I was already pleasing William. He told me as much and I believed him. He hadn’t yet lied to me – perhaps he’d be the first to stay true to me, not to hurt me in the way others had. He’s not my father. I reminded myself of that often, repeating the thought in my mind so that I’d remember. I wanted to move on.

  “How‘ve you been?” William’s warm voice washed over me. His eyes were working to read me. They were the most beautiful cocoa brown, so warm they melted my reservations, as the sun shone through the coffee shop window and landed on our table. His gaze
though was intense when he looked at me – nearly too much to be focused in on one person especially when that one person was me.

  “Missing you.” My voice was soft. I wanted to say more but I simply answered his question. It’s how I’ve been trained. Don’t be stupid, Aubrey, just answer the question.

  “Good. I prefer it that way.” He smiled. I‘d earned another smile from this amazing man. Relieved, I sighed and returned a smile of my own. “You’ll be done working soon?”

  “Yes. I have just a few more hours until I’m off.”

  He looked at his watch and then back at me. “I’ll return here at seven then.” Then he walked out of the coffee shop without another word, leaving me shaken. I’d expected our conversation to happen here. I’d been prepared to give him my boundaries – limits, as they called them on the site I looked at on-line – and to agree on them. Here, in a public place; but William had other ideas.

  Now I sat here alone wondering, for the seventeenth time, just what I’d gotten myself into. Since I knew how crazy I’d sound to those who knew me, I told no one about this man I’d met, this man I’d come to need with unexplainable certainty. Instead, I remained isolated in my thoughts and planned to do so until I’d reconciled just what it was I was entering into.

  Despite being my closest sister, I shared nothing with Evelyn who’d found happiness in a simple life back in Ohio and had trouble understanding why I needed more. I also left my one friend here in Boston in the dark. I was alone in this discovery because it was my secret, my private exploration.

  Chapter Two

  I walked into the unknown.

  It was Baylor, his driver, who walked into the shop that night. “Ma’am,” he nodded at me and handed me the cell phone he held.

  “Aubrey.” William’s voice wafted through the line, the warm sound sliding down my tummy. “I’m held up in a meeting. Baylor will deliver you to my home and I’ll be there shortly.” I could hear voices in the background, hushed but present. I made a note to ask William soon what type of business he was in.

  “Ok. That’s fine.” I’m not sure about being delivered; the term made me feel like a package. Perhaps I’d try to think of myself as a special delivery. I shook my head at the absurdity of the thought. When had I ever been something special? Sometimes you’re just a waste of space, Aubrey.

  “Good. I’ll see you soon. Baylor will attend to you, whatever you need.”

  “Thank you.”

  I thought he’d simply click the phone off then but he cleared his throat, “And Aubrey,” he paused, “I-I am sorry. I didn’t want us to begin this way.” I was still processing his apology when the call ended. I returned the phone to Baylor, grabbed up my coat and purse and followed him to the car waiting outside the door.

  William’s voice – his apology had been so sincere. I couldn’t imagine it mattering that much to him. I wasn’t important enough for someone to worry over. You are nothing, Aubrey, nothing of value. No one had ever been concerned for me like that before. It unnerved me to consider William might actually like me enough to worry. Would he care for me eventually? I couldn’t dare believe it.

  The car pulled up outside a large brick and stone home. It was big enough for a full family. The ride had been about twenty minutes so we must’ve been in one of the smaller suburbs framing Boston. As Baylor opened my door and offered his hand, I unfolded my body from the car and stood beside him, certain my mouth was hanging open.

  “This is William’s home?” The quiver in my voice certainly gave away my uncertainty, my complete disbelief that this man I’ve met and have now agreed to date –if in fact, that’s what I’ve agreed to– lived in this home more suited for a full family of eleven.

  “Yes ma’am.”

  “He lives here?” I still couldn’t believe what I was seeing though it was right in front of my eyes. The house where I’d been raised could sit well inside this massive structure, which left me feeling small, tiny and insignificant. If nothing had yet to do it, this was the moment where my inadequacies smacked me square in the face. You’ll never be anything, Aubrey.

  Baylor seemed to sense my unease, shuffling his feet next to me and waiting. He cleared his throat. “He also has an apartment in the city for times he can’t get away. This is more his weekend residence.”

  “Oh,” I answered, took a deep breath and gave myself a moment to absorb this. It was so far from my reality; I could hardly make sense of it.

  “Shall we go in?” Baylor stretched out his arm to indicate I should head towards the front door. I walked ahead of him but looked back to make sure he was following me. Baylor seemed older than me but not by much. He was built like a boulder and if it weren’t for the gentle way he interacted with me, I might’ve been intimidated by his mass. He carried himself as if prepared for anything. It made me wonder what his role with William was but I doubted he’d tell me even if I dared to inquire.

  “Baylor, I’d feel better if you called me Aubrey.”

  “Yes ma’am.” Baylor responded on instinct. When I looked at him, rolling my eyes and shaking my head, he laughed at himself. “A habit, I suppose. I’ll try my best to call you Aubrey.”

  I smiled and shook my head, aware that the offer to use my first name wouldn’t come easy to him. Still, I wanted him to know he didn’t need to stand on ceremony with me.

  My first impression of William’s home was reinforced once inside. The two-story foyer echoed as my shoes touched softly on the marble floor. Baylor headed for the open living room to the right and I followed. There were large plush sofas edged by heavy wood tables, an even larger stone fireplace, and well-stocked bookshelves that lined nearly an entire wall. I ran my fingers across a mahogany desk placed at an angle in the corner. Nothing was out of place – nothing seemed used. It was oddly void of life. That’s what I was thinking when I noticed the wall of windows that opened the room out to a patio sitting above a hill of green, well-landscaped gardens. The yard, much like the house and everything inside of it, was large. Perhaps it was only fitting since William was larger than life to me.

  “Can I get you anything? What would you like to drink?”

  “I don’t drink,” I replied on instinct.

  Baylor chuckled, “so I’ve heard. But I was actually just meaning water or Diet Coke perhaps?”

  “Right,” my cheeks flamed red, “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just edgy. Diet Coke would be great.” I stuttered but thankfully got all the words out and Baylor didn’t seem to notice. He simply nodded and walked out of the room, I’d assumed to go to the kitchen and retrieve my drink. I realized then that he had offered me my favorite soda choice and wondered how he knew. Could it just be coincidence? Somehow, I doubted it.

  When he returned, he handed me my drink along with a folder. “William asked that I give this to you as reading material before he arrives home.”

  I looked at Baylor uncertainly but took the folder. Once he left the room again, I sat on the sofa and opened it, thankful I hadn’t yet taken a sip of my Diet Coke.

  *****

  It was only an hour or so until I heard William come through the front door. Baylor’s voice echoed off the walls of the foyer as he told William that I was in the sitting room. And then William dismissed him. It was now just the two of us, just William and me; I knew this when I’d agreed to meet him tonight. I wanted this when I agreed to this arrangement, this proposal he offered me. Still my hands shook, my belly quivered. I was nervous because he was such a powerful man and I was just Aubrey. You are nobody.

  Still, he’d been up front with me. He intended for us to date. That, at least, I completely understood. The part that shocked me, that still seems shocking, was his candidness about wanting me to submit to him. His frankness, though shocking, was equally reassuring. Now I had no reason to believe he wasn’t being honest.

  “Aubrey, you look lovely.” Taking me by surprise, William came up behind me from the back of the sofa. I jumped to my feet, startled, but immediately m
elted into his deliciously warm voice. Its effect was nearly as strong as his eyes.

  William stepped forward into me. We were toe-to-toe, nose-to-nose. I could feel his breath when he spoke, “Aubrey.” He used his forefinger to raise my chin and force my gaze to meet his. “I’m enchanted. Always. Enchanted. By sweet. Aubrey.” He punctuated each word with a simple kiss, on my forehead, my nose, and each cheek.

  My mouth suddenly dry, I swallowed down the lump and licked my lips as my heart rate accelerated. “Thank you.”

  William’s eyes were on my lips and I wondered if he’d kiss me. I wanted him to; I craved him despite the hummingbirds in my stomach. Fixing my gaze to his, I watched his brown eyes turn darker and his brows fall over his eyelids. I hesitated and then pulled my gaze down to the floor between us.

  William chuckled and placed a soft kiss on my head. “Come, dinner is ready for us in the dining room.” As he tugged me along toward a dining area across the foyer, I wondered who cooked our dinner. I wondered if he’d be offended if I asked.

  “Aubrey, you’re so easy for me to read. I’ve a housekeeper who typically puts dinner in the oven for me before she leaves in the afternoon. Tonight, Baylor took the liberty of setting it out for us.” He shook his head, pulled out my chair to seat me before continuing, “If I’m correct, you have an admirer. Baylor seems smitten with you.”

  “I’d rather you be smitten with me.” The words raced out before I could halt the brakes. The shock must’ve shown. After only a moment’s pause, William laughed. His hearty, robust laugh made me laugh along with him. I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed, the last time I had enough light-heartedness not to care. I imagined doing this often with William.

  “I’ll admit to also being smitten, quite smitten actually.” Seated now across the table from me, William poured us each some wine. “Now eat. Maribel makes delicious roast.”

  I did as William said and as in all things, he was right. Maribel had prepared a delicious meal – roast with potatoes and carrots, celery and green beans all roasted in a creamy tomato sauce. I enjoyed it so much that I found myself full all too quickly. There wasn’t much conversation as we ate and the quiet unnerved me. I grew restless, toying with my napkin, twirling my water glass. My nerves swirled up from my belly and manifested in boundless energy.