She turned away to head to the changing chambers.
"Camilla?"
She stopped. "Yes?"
I was surprised she could hear my quiet call, but now that I had her attention, I wanted to ask one last thing.
"You'll still remain my friend, right?"
My question had her turning around to look all the way to me.
"No matter how much I...grow from this experience. You won't abandon me, right?"
"I didn't leave the fae lands for the human realms to not be a thorn in your butt for the rest of your life, now did I?" she countered and flicked her wet strands. "Can't get rid of me, bestie. Be a villain for all I care, and I'll be your evil henchmen as we plot world domination."
My smile couldn't be any wider as she gave one of her own as we shared a compassionate look.
"No matter if you change into a new you, Rosadette, I'll be there by your side. I'm your shadow knight, only this time, I'll make sure Xavier doesn't get close to you," she vowed and turned away.
I watched her disappear into the changing chambers, the flowing relief of her words making my heart swell and happiness flood me.
You can do this, Rosadette. Embrace these changes. Learn from them, and we'll pull through to the next set of challenges awaiting us.
Romantic Love Between Light And Darkness
Don't be nervous, Rosadette. It's not like you haven't slept in the same bed as Rainer.
I'd repeated the words for what seemed like twenty times in my head, but I kept on trying to talk myself into opening the door to his bedroom.
His private bedroom. The place he sleeps in when he doesn't accidentally sleep in mine. Oh fae, I'm invading his personal space. Doesn't that mean we're taking our relationship to the next step? Maybe I should have asked him instead of taking Camilla's advice. Ugh. Knowing her she'd lock me out of her room. That evil bestie of mine!
After I'd soaked a little longer in those lovely steamy waters, I got dressed in a long white silky dress. It wasn't as revealing as the last one, which I was thankful to have changed out of before the intense meeting we'd had.
Can't concentrate when your nipples are poking out of a dress, now, can you?
I felt a little silly about all this contemplation. Rainer loved me, I loved him, sex was obviously something we were going to do in our relationship at some point - and something I was practically wishing for as a human who couldn't get drunk to save her life - so there was no need for me to be nervous about it.
I'm not nervous at all. I mean, I'm in my fae form. I'm sexy, curvy, and still attractive. He'd want every bit of this. Yes! Then I'll get to touch that built chest of his. Maybe he'll tell me what his tattoo on his chest signifies. Wasn't I supposed to ask him something? Oh right. About his past dating life. Isn't that a little intrusive to ask about? Would he get mad? What if he gets mad and then we don't have sex? Well...that would be heartbreaking but then I'd have an excuse to tell Camilla so she wouldn't slap me across the head and call me stupid for missing out on opportunities. Ugh. This is going to give me a headache. Sex shouldn't be so hard. Why can't I just stare at Rainer's sexy chest all night long? That would be far easier than thinking.
The door opened at the end of my thought, and my eyes locked onto muscled pecks.
"Oh," I began as I admired the view. "I guess the lands can answer my thoughts!"
The low chuckle made me shyly look upward to see Rainer’s amused smile.
"We have to teach you how to close off your thought process or you're seriously going to be an open book for everyone to read."
I met those color-changing eyes once more, their soft pink color shifting to turquoise with hints of orange as he admired me. "Good evening, Sweet Rose."
"Good evening," I whispered as if I were out of breath while I got lost in his mere presence. He smirked and reached out to move a few strands of my hair that slipped out from the hair clip that held a good chunk of my strands from getting in my face.
He moved away as he gestured for me to enter the black-and-white room, which drew my attention to the sophisticated furniture that still gave off a new urban vibe to it. I walked because I was so immersed in the interior design, my eyes admiring the king-size poster bed that had its own curtained drapes that were netted with star designs.
A bouquet of flowers caught my attention, the flowers all wilted like it hadn't been attended to for ages.
"I was supposed to move them, but I want to see if I can save them," Rainer admitted as he closed the door. He walked over to me as I took a closer look at the dead red roses, my eyes scanning the shrilled up petals.
"Why can't you save them?" I inquired. "You can bring them back to life, right?"
"I should be able to, but the problem is it depends on what element the florist carries. I thought they carried darkness like me, but looks like they're of light."
"You mean Purely Divine instead of Deadly?” I suggested.
"Ya. It shouldn't be a problem for me either way since I can use both, though my shadowed magic is far more powerful. However, they won't budge," he huffed.
"Can I try?" I volunteered. "I know I should be resting, but I want to give it a shot."
My hopeful eyes made him smirk as he nodded in approval. "Give it a try," he encouraged.
I hovered my hands in the direction of the flowers, closing my eyes and concentrating on bringing them back to life.
"Return to your striking beauty. Ella Revasa Rosanda Le Fe."
The words came out on their own, and I could feel the dancing flow of my energy reach my fingertips. I waited for the stream to escape me, but it merely built within my fingers, which left them tingling.
Opening my eyes, I noticed the plant was still dead.
"It didn't work." I looked up at him as he seemed just as confused as I.
"Guess it's not just me then," he commented before he shrugged. "We'll try again in the morning, and if not, we'll just return them to nature. They'll find their purpose in the cycle of life, no matter if their own lifespan has ended."
I figured he was right, but it felt as though the roses still had some sort of purpose in his room. As I returned to gazing all around, I felt his arms wrap around my waist as he pulled me into a hug.
"How do you feel?"
"Best since waking up?" I suggested though I wasn't actually sure.
"You sound unsure," he acknowledged, which only made me grin as I lifted my head to look up at him as he gave me his full attention.
"I'm feeling a whole bunch of things and yet I don't know how to really express them all."
"Do you feel overwhelmed?" he concluded.
"Ya. That's a good word for it," I confessed as I gave him a nervous smile. "And a little scared."
"Why are you afraid, Sweet Rose?" he asked while slipping his arms away from me and taking my hand to lead me to the bed. We sat down on the side of it where we faced the large floor-to-ceiling window that gave us a beautiful glimpse of the garden under the now night sky that was a variation of purple and blues with sparkling stars.
"Everything feels as though I'm playing in fast forward," I confessed as I removed the hair clip from my hair and put it on the counter. Running my hands through my long locks, I let out a heavy sigh.
"When I was small, I hated being an orphan. It was kind of like a period in my childhood where I just hated my circumstances. It wasn't necessarily that I hated being alive or I wasn't grateful for having the ability to breathe when others didn't. It's just that there were times that it was so hard," I admitted, recalling the haunting memories and mean taunts from the rich people.
"Before Camilla...I had no one. Sure, there were the instances where I had the old lady who gave me that ancient book, but other than that, there wasn't anyone who genuinely wanted me there. Some days were better than others, but not a day went by where I wasn't looked at with pitiful eyes. Not a week went by without words of mockery thrown at me or the sound of laughter carried through the wind in my direction for a
circumstance I never asked for. If I could work at that young age, I would have just to make money, but in a village as poor as ours, it felt as though I was trapped with no way out. All I could envision was finding out my future. To figure out my heritage and see if I truly belonged in those poor lands after all."
I paused as I lifted my hands to look at them.
"My craving to belong was so strong. To be among those my age who wore fancy clothing and got to enjoy the finer things in life. They never had to sleep on the bare floor in the heart of winter, or better yet, the forest during the harshest blizzards. I even questioned how I somehow survived all of that madness, but now that I know who I am today, it somewhat makes sense. Like the Universe felt pity for me as well, and made the harsh conditions lessen the moment I closed my eyes."
Taking a calm breath, I lowered my hands to turn my attention to him as he stared down at me with seriousness. I loved how he actually paid attention, versus others who'd merely listen to you speak but not absorb what you were truly stating.
"I prayed for a day when I'd find out who I was supposed to be and where I came from, and, well, today finally came. I finally discovered where I came from." I paused as I gave him a conflicted look of worry. "The discovery was long and heavy with information, but I finally know the truth. So...why aren't I happy about it?"
He stared into my eyes as I quietly laughed.
"I mean, when I envisioned it all in my head way back then, I thought I'd be ecstatic. Jumping up and down and telling all those who doubted me in my village that I was actually an important person. I'm a princess. The only heir to a magnificent gold kingdom! My mother was frozen for centuries. Her first priority was to get me somewhere...anywhere...where they would help me survive. She thought about me first before herself and whatever injuries and heartache must have still lingered in her heart after being frozen in time. I can only imagine her heartache, and yet she was willing to give me a second chance at life. I discovered who I am. I have an amazing best friend who sacrificed her teen years to come down and be my friend. Not purposely, but she made it so that I'd approach her, and it became a true friendship that wasn't forced. During the bad times, I got to meet you. I was able to share my insecurities with a man who didn't even judge me. Now that I've found the truth of who I am, I should be screaming on the top of the hilltops and telling the world that here I am! All those who tried to belittle me, booed at me, made me feel like an insignificant fool, here I am. I've reached my level in destiny and no matter what they tried to do to stop me from reaching this point, it didn't work." I paused and lowered my gaze to my lap. "Yet, I'm scared of acknowledging that this is real. That I've made it. I'm nervous because I'm afraid one wrong move and I'll screw everything over. One mistake, and I'll be back in the lower lands, doing fieldwork to make pennies and drinking cheap beer to try and get drunk like the rest of the villagers who drink their sorrows away. I'm frightened to sleep and wake up to find everything is back to how it was a year ago."
"It's not a dream," he assured me, taking one of my hands in his. "Yet, it's normal to feel the way you do. To think that all of this could vanish because it feels far too good to be true. It takes time to appreciate it all. To absorb the truth that is before you and realize that you made it to the finish line of that goal you wished to accomplish after so many years. It's normal to be afraid of the future. It's also fine to be nervous."
"Aren't you worried something will come out of nowhere and try to take all of this away from you?"
"Ya," he admitted as a smile graced his lips. He held my hand tightly as he looked to the view before us. "I honestly never used to think like that before. Even as an orphan, the weighing worry that something would come along and make my life far worse never seemed to pull me down. Maybe because I got used to the ridicule from being an abandoned child, or because I knew they were merely envious because though I wasn't of royal blood, I'd be the one to inherit some sort of power that they wouldn't be able to obtain. No matter the reason behind that, it wasn't until I met you that I started wondering if all these good days would go up in smoke. It was a random instinct at first, a flickering thought that came and went. I think it's when I started to fall in love with you that I began to worry about losing you."
He lifted my hand to kiss the back of it, and our eyes met once more.
"The fear of losing it all is normal. You realize what is important to you, what has helped you become this spectacular woman and reach this point in time. The feeling may not ever go away, but it'll get better. The fear begins to fade, just as the nervousness does. There will come a time when you won't remember these feelings and be as happy as ever to have achieved all the things that others said you wouldn't."
"What about us?" I whispered. "The connection between us is fierce. Addicting. Mesmerizing. I want to give in to what feels right...and probably good, but then I think about how I may be taking things too fast, or not meeting your expectations...or maybe I'm pushing myself on you and I don't want to do that either. I don't know how your relationship went with Esmeralda...and I guess I'm afraid of doing whatever wrongs she may have done?" I sounded unsure as I stared into those orbs that shifted to a pastel orange.
"You're not pushing yourself on me." He tackled one of my voiced concerns right away. "I know I explained a bit of Esmeralda and me, but I really didn't go into details."
He let go of my hand to stand up, walking over to the wall and leaning against it so I could see a full view of his chiseled body. Even with moonlight shining against his back, he wasn't short from perfection, with his hair left down in a wavy manner while his boxers were sitting far lower than normal - giving me a glimpse of those lines that pointed down to his long lollipop.
I could enjoy the view all night long while my imagination enjoyed undressing him, but I was intrigued by what he had to say, which led me to give him my utmost attention.
"When I got Esmeralda's rose, I was in a bad sort of phase. I guess with the knowledge we gained today, maybe it was the traits of the previous King of Darkness influencing my mindset. Essentially, I gave up easily. Not in terms of doing well in school, like exams or tasks that required a grade. I gave up in pursuing what I actually wanted in a person."
He crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at the ceiling for a moment.
"I didn't understand why I needed to work hard to get a woman's heart. Sure, I understood the logistics of it all, and at times, I was excited to please her. I'd ask to go on dates, or for us to do something lovely, and then when the time approached, that bubbling joy suddenly diminished, like someone had thrown some ice-cold water on me and I didn't want to do it anymore. What basically happened was I kept getting Esmeralda's hopes up and then stomping all over them. I knew it was wrong. I wasn't stupid or naive, but at the same time, I didn't care. I was kind of like Xavier, who knew he had a wonderful amazing rose, and yet he didn't want to bother giving you the time of day. The only real difference is that I knew she deserved to be loved but allowed self-sabotage to fuck me up."
"Imposter syndrome basically?" I suggested and he lowered his head to nod.
"Ya."
"Why didn't you just tell her?" I inquired.
"I was living in a delusion where I didn't feel the need to justify my thoughts. I felt almost defensive when I wanted to express my emotions. As though it was against some sort of law in the world of masculinity. Fae men don't like expressing their emotions. It's deemed as weak and turns women off in our lands. The few times when I felt like I'd gathered enough courage to try and speak of my troubles, she shut me down. Not because she wanted to dismiss my words, but because the relationship was already going downhill and her trust had been broken far too many times. I guess she assumed I'd use my emotions as an excuse for my behavior, but that wasn't what I wished to do. I wanted to justify that my actions were childish because I didn't cherish our relationship as I should have. Maybe if we'd taken a break where we could be in our own environments and do things without pressure
, I'm sure I would have gotten out of my funk and cherished her. However, that never really happened."
He shrugged, letting his arms fall to his sides as he leaned against the wall once more.
"I tried three times to speak up and got shot down. Maybe I shouldn't have given up and kept trying, but that was the best effort I'd put into trying to fight for something and she couldn't see it. She was too blinded by anger and built-up hate to see my perspective. To grasp that I still wanted us, but I was struggling to communicate that to her. Each dismissal was like a slap to my pride. It was a rejection that only confirmed what my mind was trying to convince me was my reality. Why fight for something when you're only going to be rejected? The third time was when I decided to give up on trying. I had far too many things swirling in my head while balancing life with learning and growing into my dual elements that I fought hard to hide from the world."
"Why would you hide that you have both light and dark fae characteristics?" I inquired.
"Fae are all about power, but light and dark elements are the strongest in their king. It's like Yin and Yang. They balance one another and can both become dangerous threats. When someone carries both, it's a big deal. A big enough deal that those outside of the academy and kingdom's protection will do anything to destroy you."
"I feel as though the outside walls are like a raging war of darkness," I muttered.
“That’s a good assumption of it," he admitted. "It's a bunch of old fae fighting an endless war that will never come to an end. It's somewhat like human politics where everyone has an opinion, but no one wants to agree upon anything. It's frustrating. The reason why the kingdoms were formed was for all those who wished to stay right out of it, but that doesn't mean we're completely safe from those who wish to tempt young fae like us into their side of the spectrum."
"So Esmeralda doesn't know that you carry both," I concluded.
"Nope," he confirmed. "That's another one of the many reasons we just weren't compatible. I was still harnessing this version of myself and though many women love the idea of being with a man like me, they don't want to carry the baggage it comes with."
Fae Rose Academy: Year Two (For The Purely Divine Book 2) Page 11
