Co-ed Naked Philosophy

by Forest, Will

  “Shhh,” he interrupted. “This is the reporter who came to interview me about the student nudist group the day they took over the Humanities Building courtyard.”

  “What?”

  “Just watch!”

  The scene had not changed. Lana announced, “What you are about to see is a first-instance broadcast of unpixelated social nudity on network television. Our advertisers have nothing to do with this and were not informed. I claim full responsibility. I welcome your emails and calls. In fact, the reaction of you, the viewers, will ultimately determine my future here at Channel Five. Consider what you will see, and judge for yourself whether nudity should always be linked to shame, and if nudity should always be linked to sex.

  “Last September, I reported to you about the controversy provoked by a nude lawn statue replica of Michelangelo’s David at Louisdale Landscaping.” The screen showed muted footage of her interview with Tucker Bierson. “In the following new segment, cameraman Tim Hinton and I take you on a journey of ‘uncovery,’ to a way of thinking about nudity that simply buries any opposition to nude statues.

  “The family of Louisdale Landscaping owner Tucker Bierson suffered yet another controversy last November when his niece was pulled over for speeding and forced to undress by a police officer.”

  The screen changed to show a mugshot of Officer Stipes.

  “The officer, who gave a false name, was later charged for this offense as well as another, previous occasion. In the prior event, when he tried to do the same thing to the woman driver, she refused and was harassed by the officer. It later came to light that this same municipal policeman, Officer Ted Stipes, had, on repeated occasions, collaborated with a military police officer at La Rioja beach to collect and post on the Internet unauthorized photos taken of nudists at the US Navy-owned beach. Still more photos of nudists under arrest for trespassing, filmed and posted without consent, were taken at the very precinct where Officer Stipes was stationed.

  “La Rioja is a beautiful beach, but we couldn’t get permission to enter. So we’re filming here in a secluded area of a public beach just a few miles down the shore from La Rioja.” Tim began to back up and zoom out, and there was all of Lana, full frontal on the local evening news, facing the camera but stepping backward with her right arm outstretched toward the Gulf, her voice and her hair blown by a mild breeze.

  “Nude beachgoers have been enjoying the area for more than a decade, but they run the risk of arrest when the Navy’s military police conduct raids. An anonymous beach patron told me that the Navy only uses La Rioja to conduct morning drill exercises…in the nude. Why can’t the rest of us enjoy the same option? Here we have a taxpayer-supported branch of the armed forces that prosecutes nude trespassers on an abandoned shoreline, but mandates its own sailors to use the same land in the nude. We have two police forces in cooperation, the military police and the municipal police, that prosecute public nudity, while at least two, maybe more, of their officers snap nude photos without consent, and one of them forces women drivers to remove their clothes. This officer, though charged and fined, has not been removed from the force.

  “The La Rioja nudists also have to confront a church group that comes to harass them every Sunday. It seems that some of the members of the church congregation have been snapping photos at the beach as well. In spite of this hypocrisy when it comes to controlling where and why people can congregate nude, we have, on the other hand, the positive example of the Corporal Rights Movement, founded by students at Gulf Coast University.”

  Get Your Feet Wet

  Paul sat in front of the TV, phone in hand. He was splayed out on his bed, nude of course, in the dorm; his mother sat at home, in her houserobe, in a town in rural southern Alabama not too far away to receive the same local newscast.

  “Can you believe this, Mom? This is my group! That’s my professor they’re interviewing! We’re big news!”

  “No, son, I can’t believe it,” she replied wearily. “Or, I guess I can, but I don’t want to. After all the complaining I did about that professor when you told me why you dropped the course.”

  “I was wrong to drop the course. At least Dr. Ross is letting me audit. But it’s the best course I’ve ever had, anyway!”

  “Just because you’re sitting around with nude young women!”

  “No, mom, or actually, yes, mom, BUT. Shhh... I met this reporter. In fact I was there when she decided to go nude.”

  “Were you naked too?”

  “Of course! Listen to this part…are you still watching? It’s an interview with my friend Jennifer and her mom. And they’re dressed.”

  JENNIFER: I want to make clear that I’m sorry I was speeding. It’s important to obey the speed limit. The cop was just doing his job when he pulled me over.

  ED: But when that cop forced my daughter to take her clothes off, he was the one breaking the law, not her. I am so glad he was caught and fined, even if he wasn’t exactly brought to justice.

  LANA: Jennifer, I understand you’re involved with a new student group at GCU called the Corporal Rights Movement. What is the group’s purpose?

  JENNIFER: We’ve been inspired by some of our professors to challenge the way nudity is currently allowed to be portrayed in society. Right here and now, the only contexts for social nudity have been reduced to crime, sex, pornography, censorship. We want to change what is allowed, by working to help people develop positive attitudes about their bodies. Social nudity is a solid start to realizing that we’re all human, and to fully celebrating what that means.

  TUCKER: These kids are doin’ a real good job gettin’ the word out. Fund-raisers…

  JENNIFER: Community service.

  TUCKER: …community service, right, like volunteering at the hospital.

  LANA: What does that have to do with social nudity?

  JENNIFER: Nothing directly, but we want to be involved with health issues.

  ED: Y’all did a beach clean-up in the nude.

  JENNIFER: That’s right. And we’ve distributed some flyers at the hospital and some gyms.

  ED: The flyers are real tasteful. They’re not provocotative.

  JENNIFER: Provocative.

  ED: Right.

  JENNIFER: The flyers have information about tolerance for nudity. They show that nudity isn’t always sexual, that it has health and environmental impact benefits, and that sort of stuff.

  LANA: Why should people care about this?

  JENNIFER: You own your body. You live in it. So you shouldn’t let someone else tell you it’s bad or shameful or pornographic. One of our mottos in the group is “reclaim the image.” Our group’s not just about nudity. I’m so proud to say on TV that my mom here showed incredible dieting restraint during the holiday season and has been losing weight, she’s learned about trans fats, and she’s stopped smoking. She doesn’t feel ready for social nudity yet, but at least now she’s willing to consider it.

  TUCKER: But that doesn’t mean you can’t smoke or be overweight to be a nudist. It just means making a conscious decision for yourself, like to smoke or not, to undress or not.

  “Paul, I think I’ve seen enough.”

  “Wait, I think they’re gonna show scenes from the nude-out.”

  “Oh, no—I’ve definitely seen enough.”

  “Mom!”

  The television screen filled with people—some painted, some not, but all very much in the flesh. They were moving about and mingling in the Humanities Building courtyard. Live nude music—voice and guitar—accompanied the ambiance. There were people drinking sodas, kicking hackeysacks, singing, and posing for photos. A nude bicyclist rode along the walkway with a sign reading WILL SING IN COSTUME FOR $1.

  “There’s no blurring.”

  “Mom?”

  “Don’t they always—what’s that called?—pixelate them, you know…”

  “Their faces?”

  “Their, you know, their bottoms, and private parts! You could blur their faces and alter their v
oices, but that just protects them, it doesn’t protect the innocent.”

  “The innocent? Who needs to be protected, and from what? That’s the whole point, Mom.” I’m loving philosophy, Paul thought.

  “Maybe they’ll be expelled, or fired from their jobs.”

  “But, Mom: what are they doing wrong?”

  “It just doesn’t seem right.”

  “Things are not always as they seem.”

  “And some of them have nasty piercings.”

  “Mom, you have pierced ears.”

  “That’s different. That’s socially acceptable.”

  Paul’s gaze fixed between his legs. “Mom, why was I circumcised? Is that socially acceptable? And how come you didn’t breastfeed Sarah and me?”

  “Hey! That’s enough! It’s supposed to be moms who put guilt trips on their sons, not the other way around.”

  “Well?”

  “I don’t have a good answer. But yes, Paul, maybe that’s it: socially acceptable.”

  “If you had it to do over again…?”

  “Paul, I get your point. What’s socially acceptable can change. Even a naked group can be socially acceptable, I suppose.”

  “I’m glad you understand that. But really, I wanna know. Would you circumcise…?”

  “I honestly don’t know.”

  “Good enough.”

  A pair of bare feet took over the screen, toes spread in the sand as the tide rolled up over the ankles.

  LANA (off camera): “These feet belong to our cameraman, who isn’t comfortable with social nudity just yet. For some people, it’s best to start a little at a time, you know, just get your feet wet. In my case, I plunged right in, but we should all respect each other’s rights, not just to be clothed but also to be nude. Nude is not the same as obscene or overtly sexual.”

  Paul and his mother heard Lana make her plea for understanding as the camera panned back a final time to show her whole self against the backdrop of the waves. Two network contact phone numbers appeared on the screen for viewer feedback, labeled “I support this coverage” and “I do not support this coverage.”

  “Ironic word choice, huh, Mom? Are you gonna call?”

  “I don’t know which number.”

  “I met her, like I said. She’s a nice woman. Give her the benefit of the doubt.”

  ***

  The broadcast ended. The provost reached for the phone, but Lynne, giggling, slipped off her nightgown and pushed him over onto his stomach. Before he could even moan in protest she was astride him, pushing his pajama top toward his head to expose his skin, and in the instant that he felt her pubic bush tickle his lower back he experienced—all of a sudden and from head to toe—some sort of realignment akin to a powerful river that abruptly reverses course; the chemical solution that, with one drop, changes from acid to base, from red to blue; the flock of pigeons that takes flight unanimously and unexpectedly over the bell towers of a sunlit plaza. And this shock polarized his blood, or magnetized it, or equilibrated it, as it coursed hardily through his system, increasing flow to his penis, and when Lynne leaned forward to stamp her areolas onto his back, Brad’s body melted while hardening, cooled while warming, and expanded while contracting. The only and faraway thought he managed to identify before succumbing willfully to the pure physicality of sex was, why doesn’t this happen more often?

  3

  APRIL

  April

  Audacious Experiment

  Last set of sit-ups. Left, center, right, center. Aik. Left, center, right, center. Do. My tailbone is grinding into the waistband of my shorts. Tin. I hate how my t-shirt creeps up on me when I’m doing sit-ups. I’d rather just take it off. Char. But nobody works out shirtless. Not even with a towel to protect the necessary surfaces. But in India Panch. Keep up with the Hindi. In India I saw a yoga workout group in various stages of undress. Che. So maybe it wouldn’t be practical to have certain body bits flapping about in some forms of exercise. Some. Sat. So binding, of some form or another, can be appropriate at times. But the essence of exercising for a healthy body includes At a healthy attitude, which should mean no shame in covering for one exercise, and uncovering five minutes later for the next. No. No pain, no gain, no shame. No doubt! I like it! Dus.

  Ready for a shower, Christopher walked stiffly down the hall along the basketball courts to the locker room. The brand new Michael Lawrence Johnson III and Margaret Elizabeth Ann Heming Johnson Campus Fitness Center—funded by trustees as generous in cash as they were in proper names—sat on the campus corner closest to Christopher’s rented house. While debating what to eat for his late dinner, he walked into the locker room and saw a tall man exiting the showers with a slight limp. The man’s height had accumulated above his waist: his legs seemed too short for his extended torso, and the rolling wave of graying hair crowning his rather long head further added to the top-heavy look. Christopher recognized this nude man as the GCU president, who enjoyed an enviable reputation for campus involvement and accessibility, maintained by attending sporting events as well as concerts and plays, by eating in the cafeteria with the students whenever he could and, evidently, by exercising at the fitness center. Christopher decided to make conversation.

  “Hi,” said the president, beating him to it. “Time to go home?”

  “Yeah, time for dinner. I’m Christopher Ross, in the philosophy department.”

  “Oh, so you’re Professor Ross! Inventor of the no-clothes classroom. I’ve heard a lot about you lately,” the president deadpanned.

  Christopher met the older man’s gaze and found it more curious and less hostile than he would have anticipated. He looked around uncomfortably: there was nobody else in the locker room, no escape from explaining himself to the president, who was toweling himself off nonchalantly. The sound of a dripping showerhead broke the musty stillness.

  “Well, I hope it’s good. What you’ve been hearing, I mean.”

  “I must say I’m surprised to meet you like this – you dressed and me undressed!” the president said.

  “Yes, well, after all, we are in a locker room. If we met in the no-clothes classroom, we’d both be undressed, see? But, uh, wait, what exactly have you heard?”

  The president aimed an obstreperous spray of deodorant under his arm while looking at Christopher with a much practiced poker face. “First, I heard the complaints. That’s just the nature of my job, that I hear complaints first. But they came late, which means that some person or persons were conspiring to protect you. You should feel honored.”

  “Well, I…” Christopher started. “Now I just feel nervous.” He took off his shirt. “What do you mean, they came late?”

  “By the time I found out about the students who had dropped your seminar in the no-clothes classroom, and their complaint calls to your department and to the dean’s office, your class size had already increased to beyond capacity and your students had already organized their campus association. The provost was forced to tell me the whole story when the Channel Five news crew arrived.”

  “Did you see their report?”

  “I did indeed. The report seemed well done, tasteful and respectful, but I was very concerned, Christopher, and to an extent I still am… Maybe this isn’t the right time for me to ask you this, but I need to know: can you explain your motives to me?”

  Christopher took a deep breath. “I want the students to expose themselves, literally, to learning. Learning should be a full-body experience, and we hamper that when we cover ourselves, bit by bit, hiding the contact of our largest organ with our environment. The topic of our seminar, ‘Aesthetics of the Body,’ is particularly appropriate for this technique, because we are learning about how artists of different time periods and cultural traditions have chosen to present the human body, and whether or not these presentations challenged the existing norms. But I think the idea of the no-clothes classroom can be beneficial for learning—truly internalizing—just about any subject. In fact my colleague Angela Sauc
edo’s research develops that very idea.”

  The president was combing his hair while listening. “I’ve learned about Dr. Saucedo’s work, and her grant, since seeing you both on the news. You were both so composed, so utterly compelling. The provost didn’t come off nearly as well did he?” He chuckled, pulling on his underwear as he spoke.

  Dr. Ross, encouraged by the president’s tone and demeanor, took off his shoes and socks.

  “But I don’t know that I can truly support you, even though what you’re doing makes sense to me. Personally, I’ve always been comfortable with my body. I have friends who frequent nude resorts. But we all know that there are other kinds of attention attracted – prurient folks with high-tech cameras. I’m sure you don’t even suspect that I’ve had a special meeting with campus security about this whole issue: your course, Dr. Saucedo’s course, and the CRM. The security team stays alert to the fact that there are nude gatherings on campus, if only for the reason that they may need to protect you and the students from protesters.”

  Christopher tried to appear unimpressed. “I’m glad to know that, and thank you. In fact we already had a bout with some protesters the other day, but a few of them ended up joining us.”

  The president pulled his undershirt over his head and looked straight at Christopher. “Have you thought about the possibility that it would take only one student to ruin everything? One person would be enough, to denounce you, or spread sex rumors, or any such fodder for a public who willingly—not necessarily unconsciously or automatically but often willfully—thinks that group nudity equals group sex?”

  Christopher frowned while removing his shorts. “Yes, I did think about that possibility, long before the first day of classes. I agree that it’s a concern, but the students are so enthusiastic, and so well supported by the campus community in general, that their CRM association has grown much more than they predicted. Also, I do what I can to keep them in line, in the sense that I steer their consciousness-raising activities toward community service and away from streaks or car washes or nude slave auctions.”