by Amy Ruttan
“She likes to live dangerously,” Zac said.
“There was a break in the storm so it was safe to fly.”
Zac grinned. “I don’t mean flying. I mean her impending motherhood. She’s brave.”
“You don’t want kids?” she asked.
His expression hardened. “No.”
“I thought you liked kids. You seem to dote on your nephews.”
“I like kids, I just don’t want them for myself.”
Her heart sank and she was angry at herself.
What did you expect? It’s Zac.
“I thought you liked to take risks? A family of your own might be a risk worth taking, but if you’re not up to it...”
Zac frowned. “That’s a dig at me, isn’t it? Not wanting kids has nothing to do with my PTSD. It’s personal choice.”
“Why don’t you just admit that the post-traumatic stress is bothering you? You might still need treatment.”
“Why are you so adamant about this?” Zac growled. “It hasn’t affected my performance today. I have worked efficiently alongside you. No harm has come to any patient under my care. I was fifteen minutes late to the emergency room. Lay off.”
He was right.
Ella sighed. “I’m sorry for getting on your case.”
“Thank you.”
“I run a tight ship when Charles or Elijah isn’t here, Zac, and you have to forgive me but I’m not sure that I fully trust you yet. Though you’re right, your performance has been exemplary.”
“I’m not fresh out of medical school,” Zac said. “I have worked in pressured situations all over the world. I am perfectly capable of dealing with stress.”
“Stress?” she asked skeptically.
“We’re running short-staffed in a hospital that is experiencing occasional brownouts in the middle of a snowstorm at Christmas. Aren’t you the least bit stressed?”
Yes, but not for those reasons.
But she didn’t say that out loud.
“Yes. I just manage it differently. Look, I don’t know how much longer we have left stuck in this emergency room together, but I promise to lay off. I just want you to promise me that if the stress gets to you, you tell me. If you can’t handle—”
“I can handle it,” Zac said fiercely.
“Okay.” Ella walked away from him. She wished she could believe him.
Are you sure you’re not letting your past dictate the uncertainty now?
Before he’d hurt her, she would’ve trusted him with her life. Zac had been her best friend and she’d shared everything with him.
She’d dated other men since he’d broken her heart, but never for long. No one held a candle to the memory she carried in her heart and she hated herself a bit for that, because it was clear that Zac hadn’t changed. That he was as stubborn as always.
Maybe she was overanalyzing it. Ella pinched the bridge of her nose as a wave of exhaustion washed over her.
These little power naps she’d managed to take since her shift had ended helped, but what she really wanted was an eight-hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep. And she wasn’t sure when she was going to get that.
Zac followed her. “Why don’t you go back to the on-call room?”
“It’s that obvious?” she muttered.
“Yeah. I’m sorry about not responding to the page and for having them page you. Go rest. I promise I won’t leave this emergency room until you get at least two hours.” He smiled at her, the tenderness etched across his face making her heart skip a beat. It was like the old Zac she’d known before he’d hurt her was shining through.
The Zac she had known once before. The Zac she’d trusted and loved.
Ella sighed and smiled, nodding. “If the storm ends and Charles clears us to leave, you need to wake me so I can go home.”
“Do you think you can dig your car out of the parking lot?”
“I don’t have a car. This is Manhattan. Besides, I don’t live far from here. My grandmother’s old apartment at Central Park West is where I live now. She left it to me.”
“That is an easy walk. I can see why you don’t drive.”
“Call me if you need me, Zac.” She sighed again. “I’m sorry for questioning you.”
“And I’m sorry for snapping at you. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t think I can handle it, if the psychiatrists didn’t think I could. I will never put a life in jeopardy because of pride.”
She was the one being prideful and stubborn right now, and she was holding a grudge. She wanted to trust him. He was trying and she had to give him a chance.
He’d proved himself time and time again.
“Okay, page me if you need me.”
She turned to leave when the ambulance bay doors open and a man helping a very pregnant woman came stumbling into the ER.
“Someone, help! My wife’s water broke and the contractions are two minutes apart!”
So much for sleep.
CHAPTER EIGHT
ELLA AND ZAC helped the woman into the privacy of an exam room.
“Someone page Obstetrics and Pediatrics,” Ella shouted over her shoulder, but as soon as the words came out the power flickered again.
And all they had was emergency lighting in the emergency room.
This is not happening. This is not happening.
If the power was out then the elevators weren’t working and Pediatrics and Obstetrics were up seven flights. Which meant that she was going to be helping this mother deliver this baby right here in the emergency room. She just hoped that nothing went wrong.
It was Christmas—wasn’t it time for miracles and joy? Not chaos and brownouts. What else was going to happen tonight?
Ella jammed a head lamp on her head, the kind that was used in surgery, and did an examination of the mother. Instead of seeing how dilated the mother was, she could see the head.
So, fully dilated. Okay.
“It looks like this baby isn’t going to wait until Obstetrics gets here,” Ella said to Zac.
“What?” the father of the baby asked as his wife moaned. “She went into labor, it just took us forever to walk here in the snowstorm, our phones were down and I dropped the cell phone in the snow...”
The man was babbling. And she couldn’t blame him.
“Your first?” Zac asked gently.
“Yes,” the man said, and Zac grinned at her. It explained the babbling.
“The baby’s head is crowning,” Ella said. “What’s your wife’s name?”
“Barbara,” he sputtered.
“Barbara, you’re doing great,” Ella said. “You need to push when you feel the next contraction, okay?”
“Okay,” Barbara panted.
“I thought we had more time!” the father shouted.
“No, your baby is coming. It’s going to be okay, I swear.” Ella smiled at the anxious couple, trying to calm them both down.
“Yes?” he asked uncertainly.
“It’s okay, Dr. Lockwood can handle this,” Zac said, stepping in. “Focus on your wife.”
Ella placed her hand on the woman’s belly and felt the uterus tense with a contraction. “Now, Barbara. Push. Now.”
Ella watched as Barbara’s husband took his place behind her, holding her shoulders. Barbara glanced up at her husband for reassurance and even though no words were spoken, there was a look that passed between them.
And Ella was envious of the shared moment of tenderness, the connection they had, and for the first time in a long time Ella felt her loneliness keenly.
“Another contraction is coming, Barbara. You need to push,” Ella said, focusing on her patient and helping her guide a new life into this world.
Ella had delivered babies befor
e in emergency situations, but not for a long time. The power flicked on, but even if Obstetrics were to come right now, it was too late as Barbara gave one last push.
Ella had forgotten what it was like to be there when a new life was born. She was so used to injuries, sickness and even death. This was something different. It was amazing. And as she looked down at that tiny helpless baby in her arms, she felt a sharp pang of longing.
The baby cried, clearing her lungs, and Ella smiled, trying not to cry with joy.
“Good job,” Ella said, as she lifted the infant and placed it on Barbara’s chest. “It’s a girl.”
Zac leaned in and began to rub the baby with a warm towel, and she let out a small yelp and then another loud cry. And watching Zac bent over the baby, those strong hands rubbing the baby’s back so gently, it made Ella’s heart skip a beat and wish for something more. It made her wish for what could’ve been.
Don’t let him in.
Except right now, seeing Zac with the baby and basking in the love that was in that room, it was easier said than done.
She looked away, waiting for the delivery of the placenta and trying not to let those thoughts into her mind because it was just a wish. One that didn’t come true and would never come true. Zac had made it clear he didn’t want kids.
And even though Ella didn’t have anyone to share her life with right now, she did want kids eventually.
So she focused on Barbara’s continued contractions.
Ella didn’t cut the cord right away, because she’d learned a trick from a midwife once to allow the baby to get extra nourishment from the placenta as long as possible.
So instead she waited until that part was delivered, while Zac used a bulb aspirator to clear the baby’s mouth out.
Ella couldn’t help but smile at the new parents who were fawning over their baby. She envied them and the joy they had. She couldn’t help but wonder if her own parents had ever felt that kind of joy over her, but she seriously doubted it.
Reaching back into her earliest memories, she couldn’t even recall her mother being much of a presence in her early life. Just a nanny.
And Zac.
He’d been her family for so long. They’d been inseparable until that Christmas when he’d said those hurtful things.
Up until that point Zac had been her reason for living. No other man had ever compared to her memory of him. It was unfair, but she couldn’t help it.
I missed him.
And she was sad for all their wasted years apart.
She glanced up at him and he was smiling.
“Can I see her for a minute, Barbara?” Zac asked, but there was a hint of uncertainty in his voice. “Just need to assess her.”
Ella’s heart skipped a beat as she watched him lift the tiny infant in those strong hands and cradle it, but also he appeared a bit terrified.
“You okay?” Ella asked. “Do you want me to take over?”
“I’ve got it. Just not used to holding babies. It’s been a while.” A sad expression passed across his face and she wondered what had happened to him.
Whatever it was soon passed and Zac became more confident tending to the baby. He smiled and she could see a piece of his hardened wall crumble away as he looked down at the new little girl.
A piece of her melted.
Her pulse thundered in her ears as she watched him smile and dote on the baby with such tenderness.
And all those secret thoughts she’d had when she hadn’t known Zac didn’t feel that way about her, when she’d thought they’d had a chance, came flooding back. She pictured Zac cradling their child. Her stomach fluttered, watching him be so gentle with something so fragile.
Zac smiled at her again, turning her insides into a puddle of mush.
He winked at her and then walked away as Ella finished up. The cord was cut just as Dr. Trejos, the pediatrician, and Dr. Raj, the obstetrician, came into the exam room.
Ella handed her charges over to the experienced staff and congratulated the new parents. She cleaned up and then found a lounge chair in one of the exam rooms that was used to take blood samples.
She sank down in it and sighed, trying to get her senses under control after watching Zac with that newborn baby. It made her feel all sorts of warm and fuzzy thoughts again. Thoughts she’d thought were long gone, locked away in the remnants of her broken heart.
“You did good there,” Zac said, leaning against the open door.
“I didn’t do anything. The mother did all the work. I was just there to catch.”
Zac was going to say something more when there was a hum and full power was restored. The dim emergency lighting flicked back on and everything lit back up. In the hall there was a collective cheer that the lights were back on.
“That’s good. I wonder if the storm is letting up?” Zac walked to the window and pulled on the blind. The snow was still swirling in the darkness, but between gusts Ella could make out a few twinkling lights through the city.
It was peaceful, even amidst the chaos of the storm and the emergency room.
“If the snow stops, maybe they could plow the streets,” Ella mumbled.
“I’m sure they’re out there plowing now. It’s going to take some time. One of the interns said they were listening to the weather forecast and the storm cloud is just hovering over New York City. It’s stuck. It won’t budge.”
“Hopefully Santa can make it into town,” Ella teased. “Your nephews would be disappointed.”
Zac chuckled softly. “I have a feeling that Santa will make it to Charles’s house just fine.”
“Do you remember that night we snuck downstairs to see if we could wait for him?”
“I do,” Zac said. “And we didn’t even make it to midnight.”
“When I woke up I was in bed and you were gone.”
“Yes, I woke up in my own bed too. Our parents’ party ended and I suppose someone scooped us up and tucked us in.”
“I was actually more of a Rudolph fan than Santa. Especially as Santa was so discriminatory to Rudolph after all and that elf that wanted to be a dentist.”
Zac rolled his eyes. “I forgot how much you loved that Claymation special. I still can’t figure out why that one doll was on the Island of Misfit toys. There was nothing wrong with her. I mean, I get the cowboy riding the ostrich, because that’s messed up, but the doll looked normal.”
Ella started laughing. “I’m too tired to have this conversation with you.”
“It’s because you’re swamped. Crazy swamped,” Zac said, mimicking another character from a different Christmas special, and Ella just lost it.
They were laughing together when Ryan Trace walked in the room. He looked confused.
“Is everything okay?” Ryan asked.
“Yes. Perfectly,” Zac said, clearing his throat. “The hypothermia patient?”
“No active bleeds,” Ryan said, handing Zac the chart. “A few broken ribs, the chest tube is holding. The trachea is crushed, though. He’s going to require surgery. I’m surprised the paramedics were able to get a tube down his throat.”
“That’s not so promising,” Ella said sadly.
“If he’s stable we’ll get him into surgery and fix the trachea.” Zac handed the chart back to Dr. Trace. “Prep him for surgery, Ryan. I’ll be there as soon as possible.”
“The ear, nose and throat surgeon is still here,” Ryan said. “He can do the surgery.”
“Great. Page him and get the patient ready for surgery,” Zac said. “Thanks for the update.”
Ryan nodded and backed out of the room.
“I’m so used to being a jack-of-all-trades of surgery when I’m on duty.” Zac rubbed his face. “Now you can rest and I don’t have to have you man the emergency room.”
“You going to go to an on-call room?”
“No, this chair is comfortable and I’m nearby if needed. I’ll just crash here for a while.”
Zac nodded and flicked out the light. “Have a good rest.”
“Thanks.”
When Zac left she watched the snow falling outside the window. Except she wasn’t thinking about the calming effect that snow usually had on her. All she could see was Zac holding that baby. Unsurely at first, like he’d been terrified, but then it had become easier and she could tell he’d relaxed, and she couldn’t help but wonder if he truly didn’t want kids or if it was something more.
And she saw him so clearly, holding a baby with blonde hair and blue eyes. Davenport blue eyes. Their baby. One she had pictured countless times before. It was calming and her last thought before she drifted off to sleep was about the baby, and she couldn’t help but wonder what they were going to name her.
* * *
As Christmas Eve wore on the emergency room was eerily quiet again. The snow still fell and Zac could feel his own exhaustion kicking in. He hadn’t been lying when he’d told Ella he had trouble sleeping. It was true. He struggled with it.
At night he lost control and then nightmares came.
He heard the new baby wail as they wheeled Barbara’s gurney out of the exam room.
Zac looked back and couldn’t help but smile.
So fragile. So new.
It had been hard at first, holding that new baby. All he’d been able to think about at first was Rojas slipping away from him, but looking down at that new life he’d realized this baby was alive.
He had been holding life in his hands and all those horrors had slipped out of his mind.
And he’d seen the way Ella had watched him with the baby, the twinkle in her eye, and he had been thinking the same thing. Thinking about what if they had gotten married, like their parents had wanted.
Only would they even still be together? He couldn’t help but think about his parents. He’d been young when his father’s betrayal had come out, but not too young that he hadn’t understood the implications.
