by Amy Ruttan
Maybe he’d never really forgiven his father for hurting his mother. It had disillusioned him. Hardened him. Yet he hadn’t stayed around. The navy had been his escape. It had given him a sense of duty that his father seriously lacked as far as Zac was concerned.
Yet when Rojas had died, all he’d wanted was to have his family back. The stability and safety net his large family provided. He didn’t want children of his own, because he couldn’t bear it if he lost a child.
Still, there was a part of him that had wanted a family. He wanted kids, deep down. It was just too much to bear and he wasn’t sure if he was strong enough for it.
Had being the operative word. Until he’d seen what the loss of a child did. He finished his coffee and thought about charting to take his mind off everything.
The emergency room was in good hands.
Residents were monitoring patients that weren’t emergent but who couldn’t get into an urgent care clinic.
Colds and sprains.
All of which was easy for Zac to sign off onto interns.
He downed another cup of coffee, trying to fight the exhaustion, because he didn’t want to fall asleep. He didn’t want to give the nightmares a chance to return. Not when he had been cleared. He wasn’t losing this fight. He wouldn’t let the post-traumatic stress disorder take over again.
And he was angry at himself for thinking that it could come back. Angry at himself for making Ella doubt herself, for making her feel guilty when he should be the one who was ashamed of what he’d done.
No one has been hurt. You’ve been in control. You were cleared.
Zac went to check on Ella. He stood in the doorway, watching her sleep curled up in the lounge chair. She looked so peaceful.
She’d changed so much in some respects, but in others she was still the same. He’d forgotten how much she drove him crazy in one moment and then in the next they were laughing over something only they understood.
He’d missed that.
There was a part of him that had hoped that she would keep in touch when he left for Annapolis, but when he’d never heard from her, he’d brushed it off. He’d known that she’d be busy as well. There had been times when they’d been growing up when they hadn’t seen each other for long stretches and when they saw each other again they would pick right back up.
He’d been a fool to think that.
Of course this time had been different and he knew why.
Even though he’d apologized he got the sense that it wasn’t enough. And he knew her well enough that once her trust was broken, that was it. It was one of the things he admired about her. He was so glad to see that strong-willed woman come out of her.
Even if that same woman and that same strong will drove him completely around the bend.
And he smiled as he watched her.
That can’t be comfortable, sleeping like that.
Zac stepped into the room as quietly as he could and lifted her up in his arms. She moaned slightly and then murmured.
“What’s happening? Is the storm over?” she asked.
“No,” he whispered. “Just taking you someplace more comfortable.”
“I’m fine.”
“Santa won’t come if you wait up for him,” he teased gently.
She sighed and smiled, half-asleep, “You’re an idiot, Davenport.”
He chuckled softly as he carried her into a nearby on-call room and laid her gently in the bed. She curled up on her side and opened her eyes. Her blue eyes twinkled in the dark under those thick lashes.
“Thanks,” she said. “You were right. That was uncomfortable.”
“Just rest.”
“What time is it?” she asked, yawning, and he had to fight back his own urge to yawn.
“Seven in the evening.”
“The storm still going strong?” she murmured as she closed her eyes.
“Yeah.” Then he reached out, touched her silky blonde hair. “Yeah, it’s still going strong.”
He pulled his hand away as she fell back asleep. He wanted to stay here. He wanted to take her in his arms and never let her go, but he wasn’t the same Zac Davenport.
That Zac Davenport, the one she had known when they’d been inseparable, before he’d hurt her, that man was gone.
That man had died on the beach the day Rojas had died.
Yet when he’d watched her help bring new life into the world, something had come alive within him. Something that was unwelcome, something he’d thought was locked away deeply.
He’d seen the way she’d looked longingly at that baby. He’d seen that expression on his siblings’ face before. He knew that she wanted children but he just couldn’t give his heart over to a child.
And as much he wanted things to be different, she deserved so much more than the shell of a man he’d become.
Zac got up and put distance between himself and Ella.
He had to get out of there, before he stayed forever.
CHAPTER NINE
ELLA WOKE WITH a start and then glanced at her watch. It was ten. She got up and pulled the blind in the on-call room. And still saw snow. Not as much, but there was still snow. As she peered out into the night, she could see in the city lights the drifts of snow that covered the streets.
And as she was watching the snowflakes swirl across the road, she saw the flashing blue light of a plow up another side street.
Good.
This was turning out to be the longest shift ever, but it was still better than going to her mother’s and listening to how much her parents were disappointed in her just because she didn’t have a man or kids.
Her thoughts turned to Zac. And she couldn’t help but think of him, his strong arms around her. He’d changed, but working with him tonight had been like old times. And even though he’d hurt her, she felt like that girl again, she had her best friend back and it was making the longer shift easier.
She almost didn’t want it to end. And for one brief moment she thought maybe there could be more.
He doesn’t want kids. Remember?
And there was no one else in her life presently that she would think about having a family with. Which made her think of her mother again, harping on her lack of a partner.
It annoyed her that her mother valued life’s accomplishments like that. What if she never was able to have kids?
What if she decided to adopt?
Would her mother value her then? No, because you’ve always been a disappointment to your mother.
Ella had never been tall or graceful like her sisters. She was short and curvy. She didn’t have the so-called “it” appeal her sisters had.
She’d needed braces and had preferred to have her hands in the mud with Zac than have tea parties and wear dresses. She’d loved medicine and science.
She had been a tomboy and her mother’s biggest disappointment.
Not even graduating top of her class at Harvard or being a top trauma surgeon was enough for her mother because Ella was single.
In her mother’s skewed view, she had failed.
It made her feel frustrated and angry. Still, there was no point in getting worked up about it now. She’d had a rest and she was going to offer one to Zac now that she was rested. It was nice that he’d come to check on her and then carried her to bed.
The chair had been more uncomfortable than she’d thought, but she’d been so exhausted she couldn’t move. She’d never expected in a million years that Zac would pick her up and carry her to bed, like he used to do when she’d flaked out somewhere when they’d been studying and she’d woken up tucked in bed.
Only usually he had been on the floor, sleeping, but he wasn’t on the floor in the on-call room. This was a completely different situation and they were comp
letely different people.
Are you?
She tied her hair back in a ponytail and then left the on-call room to check on the emergency room. When she got down there it was eerily quiet. Which meant it would soon get really busy. She knew it.
This was how it usually went. They would be calm, just like the calm before a storm. She had no doubt that they would soon be flooded with an influx of emergency patients, especially since the storm seemed to be clearing and the roads were being plowed.
Zac was sitting behind the unit desk by the dispatch phone. He was leaning back in the chair, with his feet resting on the desk. She couldn’t help but smile, her pulse racing as she thought of his strong arms around her.
And a memory of lying beside him in the grass at her parents’ summer home in the Hamptons, staring up through the leaves of the large oak tree they used to climb together. She’d watched him then, thinking about how to steal a kiss, thinking about how much she wanted him, but had been too afraid to take the chance.
Just like now.
He sat up then and started charting. The relaxed stance gone, he was focused on his work. Just like she should be, instead of mooning over him. She was not that girl any more.
Aren’t you?
She leaned over the desk. “Well, did I miss the rush or...?”
“You haven’t missed the rush,” he said before taking a sip of his coffee, not looking at her as he charted.
“The storm seems to be dissipating. I can see the lights out in the city and I saw some plows.”
“The governor declared a state of emergency for New York City, Long Island and surrounding areas. I guess you won’t be getting out to see your parents in the next couple of days. They’ve shut the highways down to the island. The priority is to get the city cleared first.”
“Oh, dear.” She laughed. “I was so looking forward to going to my parents’ place on Christmas Day.”
Zac snorted. “Your disappointment is obvious.”
“Hey, this is a great Christmas so far.”
They shared a secret smile.
Zac stretched. “Did you have a good rest?”
“Yes. Thanks for moving me.” Warmth flooded her cheeks as she thought about being in his arms. She’d forgotten how safe she felt in his arms.
“It was no problem. You looked so uncomfortable.”
“I was, but I was too tired to move.”
There was a rumble and they both glanced out the ambulance bay doors to see a small plow go past the doors.
“That’s a good sign,” she said.
“Yeah, a good sign we’re about to be bombarded. I hope you’re ready, Dr. Lockwood.”
“Don’t jinx it.”
Zac was going to say something else when the phone rang. All the lines started to light up. “Here we go.”
“See, you jinxed it.”
“Ha-ha. You man the phone and I’ll get the troops ready.”
“Aye-aye.” She gave a salute and he rolled his eyes, chuckling as he answered the phone.
Zac dealt with Dispatch while Ella had the nurse Carol start to page all available residents and interns to the emergency room. Ella started assigning stations and final-year residents in charge of the interns. The last thing she needed was interns underfoot while they dealt with the influx of patients that was being brought in.
She watched the board as Zac finished with Dispatch, so they were prepared for the worst. There were heart attacks, accidents, broken bones and a wide variety of other patients.
All non-urgent patients were being diverted to an urgent care clinic that was three blocks away and which had extended its hours to try and give some relief to the hospitals.
Ella pulled on a yellow trauma gown and stood at the door with Ryan and Jen. Usually they said nothing to her, but then she realized she’d never thought of them as Ryan and Jen before.
Now they were more at ease around her and she liked that.
She’d been so busy building walls to protect herself that she’d shut out everyone and completely isolated herself. No wonder she was lonely.
Jen gave her a smile and Ella smiled back with shared camaraderie.
Zac joined them waiting at the ambulance bay door.
“I have bad news,” Zac said.
“What?”
“One of the calls was a weather report. This is just the eye of the storm. It’s going to get bad again before it gets better.”
“Ugh, I thought it was over.”
Zac shook his head. “The calm before the real onslaught, apparently. They are also forecasting a storm surge.”
“A storm surge?” Ella asked. “That bad?”
“Hospitals near the river could get flooded and according to emergency plans in place since Hurricane Sandy we’re one of the hospitals they evacuate to. We are on higher ground, we’re at the risk for surges, but only the basement level would be affected.”
Dammit.
Ella pinched the bridge of her nose. “It is what it is. Hopefully the surge doesn’t happen like it did when Hurricane Sandy hit, but if it comes to that, we’ll make do. We don’t have a choice.”
“I came home from active duty because it was supposed to be simpler.”
Ella snorted. “Really?”
“I know, I was slightly delusional.” He winked.
Then the whine of sirens could be heard in the distance and as the ambulances pulled up in the large ambulance bay Ella and Zac jumped into action.
They were the front line, assessing the severity of patients as paramedics passed on the information to Ella and Zac.
Broken femur. Ella passed that off to Jen, who’d experience of that before and had an interest in orthopedics.
The head injury from a motor vehicle appeared superficial. The patient was conscious and bleeding profusely with a high GCS score, and that went to Ryan.
“Gunshot victim. Mr. Chow, aged fifty-four,” the paramedic said grimly. “Attempted robbery. A family member tried to rob his store.”
Ella cocked an eyebrow, but kept her opinion to herself. It was not her place to judge. All she was there to do was heal.
To save lives.
“Gunshots to abdomen, chest, thigh and shoulder,” the paramedic continued. “It took us two hours to get to him through the storm. His condition was stable, but it’s deteriorating.”
Ella glanced down at the man, who had an oxygen mask on. He was conscious, but from the pallor of his face she could tell that he was losing blood. Fast.
“Mr. Chow, I’m Dr. Lockwood and I’m going to take care of you.” The wind picked up again, showing they were through the eye of the storm. They were sideswiped by a gust of snow that blinded them. Ella tried to cover her patient as best as she could as ice and snow pelted her back.
The wind blew snow that had already fallen into drifts around them. It was hard to push the gurney, but Zac stepped up and steered it through the drifts, like it was nothing. All that training in the navy had paid off.
Mr. Chow barely acknowledged her. He was fading fast. “Just hold on, Mr. Chow.”
Zac was beside her, helping her push the stretcher across the ambulance bay and into the warmth of the hospital.
“He needs to go to the operating room now,” Ella said. “He’s been shot four times.”
“Four times?” Zac asked. “Yeah, I’ll get some O-negative ready and meet you up there.”
Zac was incredibly calm under the pressure. Everything was swirling and chaotic and he was thinking ten steps ahead.
Which she appreciated.
Ella wheeled the gurney toward the elevators. She pressed the button, but the moment the button lit up there was another pop and the hospital was cast into darkness again. The generators didn’t kick in.
> Generators are fixed, my ass.
The monitors that were hooked up to Mr. Chow began to sound alarms. Ella cursed as she jumped into action to insert a chest tube and provide manual ventilation.
Zac found her in the darkness and chaos. Only he was calm and collected, unlike before when the dark and the noise had bothered him. Except that time they had been in the hall by themselves. Perhaps the chaos calmed him?
Whatever it was, she was glad of his focus and his help at this moment. With the new generator system flickering, the storm and being exhausted, she was grateful for his calm presence and help.
“He’s crashing. I need to get that bullet out of his chest!” She worked fast to get her patient intubated so that she could manually ventilate him. “I can’t wait for the elevator to be up and running again.”
“Let’s get him into an exam room.” Zac steered the stretcher while Ella manually pumped the Ambu bag, allowing Mr. Chow to breathe. “We can operate there if needed. It’s not ideal, but it can be done.”
They got him into the room and Zac began to take over. They were going to open Mr. Chow’s chest and retrieve the bullet. Ella handed over the manual ventilation to a nurse as she helped prep the area. With her headlamp she could see the bullet’s entry point, but there was no exit point so it was lodged somewhere in his chest, and given the fact he wasn’t breathing, she was hoping that it was in his lungs and not in his heart.
“Hemopneumothorax,” Zac said as he listened to the patient’s chest. “I’ve seen this before countless times in gunshot wounds to the chest, especially if it was an RIP bullet.”
“A what?” Ella asked, but given the name of it she didn’t like the sound of it.
“An RIP, a radically invasive projectile. It explodes when it hits. Whoever shot this gun at him, they were trying to kill him.” Zac shook his head. “The ways people think about killing each other, inventing things like this. It just makes me sick!”
Oh, dear God.
Zac examined the entry wound. “I’ve seen this before. I need to get in there and try to remove the fragments.”
“What about the heart?”
