Navy Doc on Her Christmas List

by Amy Ruttan

  A tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away. The rush of emotion was getting to her as she waited for him to say something.

  Only he didn’t. He just stood there, eyes downcast and not responding to her.

  And she got the hint in crystal clarity.

  Once again her heart shattered. It was all she could do to keep her composure as she brushed past him, opening the door and heading out into the hallway.

  Zac didn’t follow her. And why would he? He didn’t care for her the same way. He’d been jealous, but he only needed her and wanted her when it was convenient for him.

  She couldn’t live like that.

  Ella wiped more tears from her eyes. She was angry at herself for letting him into her heart again, only to have it crushed once more.

  “Dr. Lockwood!” She glanced back to see Jen running toward her.

  Great. Get hold of yourself.

  Ella plastered a wobbly smile on her face, but it wasn’t enough to fool Jen.

  “Dr. Lockwood, Ella, are you okay?”

  “Fine. I’m just absolutely exhausted.”

  Jen smiled. “Well, you should go home.”

  “Home?”

  “Yes, the storm is over!” Jen was ecstatic. “Dr. Charles Davenport just called in to release all staff who were stuck here during the storm. Once their replacements arrive, they’re free to leave. A new shift of emergency room doctors just came in. You can go home.”

  Oh, thank God.

  “Thank you, Jen. I think I will do just that!”

  Jen nodded and turned back toward the emergency department.

  Just as Ella started to make her final rounds so that she could leave the hospital, Dr. Bentley called out to her.

  “I heard that the all-clear was given and that you might be leaving,” Dr. Bentley said.

  “Yes. I’m so glad the storm is over and we can leave.” Boy, was she ever relieved that she could finally leave. “I just have to do final rounds on my patients and then I can go home and salvage what’s left of Christmas.”

  “I still have a couple hours left on duty before I can leave. I was hoping that later tonight I can swing by your place and we can have dinner.”

  Ella shook her head in disbelief. “Dinner?”

  “Yes.” Dr. Bentley flashed her a smile that would probably have melted any other woman’s heart, but there was only one man that she wanted. It was just a shame that he didn’t want her back but she wasn’t ready to date anyone else.

  There was nothing wrong with Dr. Bentley, but she was hurting too much.

  “If it’s all the same to you, could I get a rain check? I plan to sleep for the next twenty-four hours.”

  Dr. Bentley took the gentle hint and nodded. “Of course. The offer will stay on the table. You’re an intelligent, attractive woman, Ella. I would like to get to know you better. I’ll see you later.”

  “Yes. Have a good night.” She sighed as Dr. Bentley walked away. If Zac hadn’t been in the picture she would’ve taken him up on his offer, but the problem was that Zac was in the picture. He’d come back, and that had been her problem her whole life with trying to date other men. None of them were Zac.

  She only wanted Zac, which was the crux of the problem. She wanted someone who didn’t want her back.

  Ella had to get out of Manhattan Mercy. She had to put some distance between herself and Zac. Permanently. But that could come after she got some sleep.

  After she tried to pull together the pieces of her broken heart.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  ZAC WANTED TO go after her, but he was frozen in shock. He couldn’t believe what Ella was saying to him. How could she love him? He’d hurt her so badly. He didn’t deserve her love. So he said nothing and he could tell that he’d broken her heart again.

  He just stood there, mulling everything over, the ramifications of it all, but he didn’t know how to process it.

  What was wrong with him?

  He knew that it was for the best not to answer her. Not to tell her that he was completely in love with her and had been for some time.

  He was just afraid.

  He didn’t ever want to hurt her. He needed to heal before he could have her, before he could think about having a home, a wife, kids. He wanted kids and he wanted them with Ella, but he wasn’t sure that he was whole enough for her.

  Maybe you need her to heal?

  Zac shook that thought away.

  The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Ella and that’s exactly what he’d done. He loved her. When he’d seen her and Dr. Bentley and thought about another man moving in on her, it had driven him mad. How could he let Ella go?

  You’re an idiot.

  He was so afraid of all the what-ifs that he wasn’t willing to take a chance on anything. He wasn’t willing to take a chance on them.

  Why couldn’t he have some happiness?

  You can.

  Except maybe now it was too late. He’d hurt her twice. Twice. Though he hadn’t known about the first time, but still it was no excuse. Why would she ever want him now?

  You have to try. You have to make this right.

  “What happened to you?” Charles asked as he came into the staffroom, where Zac had been lying on the couch.

  “Long story,” Zac said. “What’re you doing here? Has the travel ban been lifted?”

  “Yes, and I’ve come to relieve staff so they can go home and enjoy what precious little is left of their Christmas. I’ve told all the staff that they can take cabs to get home safely. The subway is still shut down because of flooding, but most of the streets are cleared now.”

  “That’s great. That was one hell of a storm.”

  “It was. So, are you going to tell me about that arm or not?”

  “I told you it was a long story that involved electrical wires and ice.”

  “I heard that you saved a boy from a storm surge, is this from that?” Charles asked, sitting across from him.

  “Yeah.” Zac sat up slowly. “Charles, I have to tell you something and I don’t think that you’re going to like it much.”

  Charles frowned. “What?”

  “I was cleared to work in Annapolis, but I don’t think I should’ve gone back to work. I’m suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. I need to get some proper help.”

  Charles didn’t look surprised. “I knew that you had PTSD, but I thought you were managing it well.”

  “Ella didn’t think so and she was right.”

  Charles cocked an eyebrow. “Is that so?”

  “Why are you saying ‘Is that so?’ like that?”

  “Zac, you’re too obtuse to see it, but that girl has been in love with you your whole life. The two of you were like peas in a pod. You’re meant for each other.”

  Zac was surprised to hear his brother talking like this. “What’s changed your tune?”

  Charles grinned. “Love.”

  “I don’t deserve it.”

  “Who says?”

  “I hurt her, Charles.” Zac cursed under his breath. “I don’t even know if I know how to love. Look at Mom and Dad!”

  “What about them? People make mistakes. Love isn’t perfect. You have to work at it. If you’re worthy of it. All of us have worked hard for our happiness, Zac. It’s not perfect, but I know I would be lost without it.”

  “I don’t think she’ll forgive me. I hurt her when we were young. Said some terrible things she overheard. I was so tired of everyone pushing me to marry her when all I wanted was a career in the navy. I didn’t want to be controlled by Dad. I didn’t want his life. And then tonight... I hurt her again.”

  Charles narrowed his eyes. “You make that right! She’s one of my best surgeons and a good friend
. You’re a fool to hurt her. You love her, you know you do. I don’t know what’s holding you back, but you need to fix it because if you let that girl walk out of your life you’re making the biggest mistake of your life!”

  Zac was taken aback by his brother’s outburst, but Charles was absolutely right and he knew what he had to do. Ella had been right, he couldn’t get better on his own and he needed the support of those who loved him. He needed Ella.

  Only Ella.

  She had been the vision of perfection. The happiest memories that calmed him down, and she was the only one who could lead him back through the dark. With her, he could get better.

  “I need something from you, Charles.”

  “What?”

  “The Davenport ring. I need to make things right.”

  Charles grinned. “It’s in my safe at home. Ask Grace to open it for you. I’m not going to say that I told you so when I tried to give you the ring at Thanksgiving and you didn’t want it.”

  “Charles, what would I have done with the Davenport ring back then? It was a reminder of things I was too afraid of. It was better I turned it down.”

  “Well, as I told you back then, you know where to find it when you’re ready for it.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I would give you the keys to my car, but you’re incapacitated. Take a cab, please. I don’t want you slipping and dislocating your other arm.”

  “Thanks, Charles.” Zac paused in the doorway. “Uh, one more thing.”

  “What?”

  “Where is Ella’s apartment?”

  “She lives in the same building as you, you dolt, at Central Park West. You don’t know it, but she’s right below you.”

  “What? That’s a family property, why didn’t you tell me that when I moved in there?”

  Charles nodded. “Why do you think I did that?”

  “I’ll thank you later if this works.”

  Zac rushed out of the hospital as fast as he could, though, because of his arm, it slowed him down a bit when changing into his street clothes out of the scrubs.

  He had to grab the Davenport ring at Charles’s place and get to Ella’s apartment before she did. But—a miracle unto itself—he found out she was making one final check on her patients before she left the hospital so he had to time to get to Charles’s and get back to the apartment.

  He was going to make things right.

  He was terrified that she was going to say no and she had every right, but if that happened it would be a cross that he would have to bear. He would spend the rest of his days on this earth trying to make it up to her. And if she never forgave him, he’d understand, but there would only be one woman for him.

  And that was Ella.

  The thought of a family scared him, but if he was going to traverse this scary road of the unknown, he wanted his equal at his side.

  He only wanted Ella. For now and forever.

  * * *

  It took Ella two hours to finish her last rounds on her patients. She changed into her street clothes, glad to be out of the scrubs, and pulled on her boots and winter clothes. Her body felt like it was weighed down with cement.

  And when she walked outside she braced herself for wind, blowing snow and cold water, but it was calm. The city was once again alive. The sun was glinting brightly off the snow. It was so bright it hurt her eyes. It had been a long time since she’d seen the sun.

  It was lunchtime on Christmas Day and people were starting to come out of their homes after the storm had raged over the city for over twenty-four hours. It was like waking up to a new world as she walked home through a city that was usually loud, bustling and overcrowded.

  Right now it was just calm. It was waking up. It was a city that wasn’t defeated.

  Having been so isolated in the hospital, Ella drank in the fresh air, but she couldn’t really relish the winter wonderland or even feel the Christmas spirit as her heart ached.

  She was still angry at herself for letting herself be vulnerable to Zac again. You’d think she’d have learned her lesson all those years ago.

  You’re a fool who’s in love.

  Maybe that’s why she had never gotten over Zac, because all those years ago she had never been able to ask him. She’d never got the chance to tell him how she felt. Now she had and she had closure.

  Maybe now she could move on.

  Though it would take some time.

  It was like losing her best friend.

  Because it is.

  A tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away with a mittened hand. She had to get used to being lonely again. Zac would leave and it would just be her. Life would return to the way it had been before, even though she didn’t want that. He had brought her to life again and she didn’t want to be lonely any more. She’d opened herself and her heart to him twice and had been rejected, like he couldn’t even think of her beyond someone he’d had sex with. Just a one-night stand.

  After all they had been through.

  It had crushed her, but at least she felt something. Even if it was painful.

  What was it that was said in that old Christmas movie about the knight on the white horse?

  She couldn’t think of it, but she remembered them saying something about it being dangerous for that knight way up there—that putting a knight up there may cause him to fall. Was that ever right!

  The only difference was that this was real life and not a Christmas movie.

  Her knight wasn’t doing something genuinely nice. He wasn’t going to try and win her back. There would be no happy ending for her, but at least she had her closure now. At least now she could mend her heart and move on. She just didn’t know how long that was going to take.

  The doorman opened the door for her.

  “Good afternoon, Dr. Lockwood. Glad to see you weathered the storm.”

  “Thank you, Mark.” Ella gave him a half-hearted smile. She waited for the elevator. When the door opened a happy family came out and wished her a merry Christmas, and she returned the greeting. She watched them leave the apartment. A mom, dad and two kids. All of them happy.

  The love they shared was almost palpable.

  Just like the love that was between the Vieras and their two children.

  And Ella was envious of that.

  She wanted that.

  And for the first time in a long time Christmas felt like it was a lonely prospect and she contemplated going to her mother’s house, if the roads to Long Island weren’t closed.

  Ella didn’t want to be alone.

  She got on the elevator and rode it up. She was going to go straight to bed. She needed a good cry and a long sleep. Then she could go from there.

  She unlocked her door and hit the alarm code, before shutting the door behind her. When she turned around she glanced at her small Christmas tree and saw something under the tree. Something that hadn’t been there before.

  She approached it cautiously and couldn’t figure out where a stuffed Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had come from. She didn’t own one and she was a little old for Santa.

  She reached out and cautiously picked it up. It was soft and when she squeezed it, its nose lit up. Behind the Rudolph was a small version of the snowman and the elf who wanted to be a dentist. They were all there, including the little doll with polka dots on her dress. The hideous polka-dot dress that made the doll a misfit toy.

  One that was unwanted and unloved. One that was made fun of.

  “What in the world...?”

  “Think of it as my apology.”

  She tried not to scream as she spun around to see Zac standing behind her in his street clothes.

  “How did you get in here?”

  “I was trained member of the armed forces.”
<
br />   “You were a navy doctor.”

  “As I said before, I learned about combat.”

  Ella pinched the bridge of her nose. “You need to leave.”

  “You need to hear me out.”

  “Why should I hear you out?” she yelled at him. “You have nothing to say to me that I want to hear.”

  “Not even I love you?”

  Ella blinked twice. “What?”

  “I said, I love you.” Zac took a step closer.

  Ella took a step back, tears stinging her eyes. “How can you love me? I told you how I felt and you...you just stood there!”

  “Because I was afraid to love you.”

  “Why? Because of the way my mother dressed me? Because I wasn’t tall and graceful, like the other girls? Because I was a wallflower, because I was smart?”

  “Ella, I didn’t know how you felt back then. I told you, I was getting those idiots off my back. What I said was immature and untrue. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I was scared to fall in love. I never wanted to get married after witnessing so much death and pain overseas. I didn’t ever want that. The problem was I was so afraid of what might happen if a piece of me was missing. A piece of my heart. Life is fragile, but it’s not worth living if you don’t take chances.”

  A tear crept down her cheek. “You love me?”

  He smiled at her, that smile she loved so much. “I do, Ella. I always have. I was just stupid and blind and too scared to reach out and take it. When I saw you with Dr. Bentley I was so jealous, but I was still too stubborn to realize that you and I should be together. Forever, because you’re my best friend, Ella Lockwood, and I would be lost without you. I need you.”

  “You were going to leave. To heal.”

  “I can’t heal without you. I need you, Ella. I won’t ever be whole without you. I’m never going to leave you behind again. I love you.”

  “I love you too,” she said, her voice hitching in her throat. “The thought of you leaving again, the loneliness was too much to bear. I worked so hard protecting myself from pain that I isolated myself from everyone. I shut out everyone trying to protect my heart.”