Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog)

by Jerome Klapka Jerome

  "Oh, they'll be all right," said he light-heartedly; "tuck `em up."

  And he made them do it, too. He told them that that sort of thing was half the fun of a picnic. They said it was very interesting.

  Now I come to think it over, was that young man as dense-headed as we thought? or was he-no, impossible! there was such a simple, child-like expression about him!

  Harris wanted to get out at Hampton Church, to go and see Mrs. Thomas's tomb.

  "Who is Mrs. Thomas?" I asked.

  "How should I know?" replied Harris. "She's a lady that's got a funny tomb, and I want to see it."

  I objected. I don't know whether it is that I am built wrong, but I never did seem to hanker after tombstones myself. I know that the proper thing to do, when you get to a village or town, is to rush off to the churchyard, and enjoy the graves; but it is a recreation that I always deny myself. I take no interest in creeping round dim and chilly churches behind wheezy old men, and reading epitaphs. Not even the sight of a bit of cracked brass let into a stone affords me what I call real happiness.

  I shock respectable sextons by the imperturbability I am able to assume before exciting inscriptions, and by my lack of enthusiasm for the local family history, while my ill-concealed anxiety to get outside wounds their feelings.

  One golden morning of a sunny day, I leant against the low stone wall that guarded a little village church, and I smoked, and drank in deep, calm gladness from the sweet, restful scene-the grey old church with its clustering ivy and its quaint carved wooden porch, the white lane winding down the hill between tall rows of elms, the thatched-roof cottages peeping above their trim-kept hedges, the silver river in the hollow, the wooded hills beyond!

  It was a lovely landscape. It was idyllic, poetical, and it inspired me. I felt good and noble. I felt I didn't want to be sinful and wicked any more. I would come and live here, and never do any more wrong, and lead a blameless, beautiful life, and have silver hair when I got old, and all that sort of thing.

  In that moment I forgave all my friends and relations for their wickedness and cussedness, and I blessed them. They did not know that I blessed them. They went their abandoned way all unconscious of what I, far away in that peaceful village, was doing for them; but I did it, and I wished that I could let them know that I had done it, because I wanted to make them happy. I was going on thinking away all these grand, tender thoughts, when my reverie was broken in upon by a shrill piping voice crying out:

  "All right, sur, I'm a-coming, I'm a-coming. It's all right, sur; don't you be in a hurry."

  I looked up, and saw an old bald-headed man hobbling across the churchyard towards me, carrying a huge bunch of keys in his hand that shook and jingled at every step.

  I motioned him away with silent dignity, but he still advanced, screeching out the while:

  "I'm a-coming, sur, I'm a-coming. I'm a little lame. I ain't as spry as I used to be. This way, sur."

  "Go away, you miserable old man," I said.

  "I've come as soon as I could, sur," he replied. "My missis never see you till just this minute. You follow me, sur."

  "Go away," I repeated; "leave me before I get over the wall, and slay you."

  He seemed surprised.

  "Don't you want to see the tombs?" he said.

  "No," I answered, "I don't. I want to stop here, leaning up against this gritty old wall. Go away, and don't disturb me. I am chock full of beautiful and noble thoughts, and I want to stop like it, because it feels nice and good. Don't you come fooling about, making me mad, chivying away all my better feelings with this silly tombstone nonsense of yours. Go away, and get somebody to bury you cheap, and I'll pay half the expense."

  He was bewildered for a moment. He rubbed his eyes, and looked hard at me. I seemed human enough on the outside: he couldn't make it out.

  He said:

  "Yuise a stranger in these parts? You don't live here?"

  "No," I said, "I don't. You wouldn't if I did."

  "Well then," he said, "you want to see the tombs-graves-folks been buried, you know -coffins!"

  "You are an untruther," I replied, getting roused; "I do not want to see tombs-not your tombs. Why should I? We have graves of our own, our family has. Why my uncle Podger has a tomb in Kensal Green Cemetery, that is the pride of all that country-side; and my grandfather's vault at Bow is capable of accommodating eight visitors, while my great-aunt Susan has a brick grave in Finchley Churchyard, with a headstone with a coffee-pot sort of thing in bas-relief upon it, and a six-inch best white stone coping all the way round, that cost pounds. When I want graves, it is to those places that I go and revel. I do not want other folk's. When you yourself are buried, I will come and see yours. That is all I can do for you."

  He burst into tears. He said that one of the tombs had a bit of stone upon the top of it that had been said by some to be probably part of the remains of the figure of a man, and that another had some words, carved upon it, that nobody had ever been able to decipher.

  I still remained obdurate, and, in broken-hearted tones, he said:

  "Well, won't you come and see the memorial window?"

  I would not even see that, so he fired his last shot. He drew near, and whispered hoarsely:

  "I've got a couple of skulls down in the crypt," he said; "come and see those. Oh, do come and see the skulls! You are a young man out for a holiday, and you want to enjoy yourself. Come and see the skulls!"

  Then I turned and fled, and as I sped I heard him calling to me:

  "Oh, come and see the skulls; come back and see the skulls!"

  Harris, however, revels in tombs, and graves, and epitaphs, and monumental inscriptions, and the thought of not seeing Mrs. Thomas's grave made him crazy. He said he had looked forward to seeing Mrs. Thomas's grave from the first moment that the trip was proposed-said he wouldn't have joined if it hadn't been for the idea of seeing Mrs. Thomas's tomb.

  I reminded him of George, and how we had to get the boat up to Shepperton by five o'clock to meet him, and then he went for George. Why was George to fool about all day, and leave us to lug this lumbering old top-heavy barge up and down the river by ourselves to meet him? Why couldn't George come and do some work? Why couldn't he have got the day off, and come down with us? Bank be blowed! What good was he at the bank?

  "I never see him doing any work there," continued Harris, "whenever I go in. He sits behind a bit of glass all day, trying to look as if he was doing something. What's the good of a man behind a bit of glass? I have to work for my living. Why can't he work. What use is he there, and what's the good of their banks? They take your money, and then, when you draw a cheque, they send it back smeared all over with 'No effects,' 'Refer to drawer.' What's the good of that? That's the sort of trick they served me twice last week. I'm not going to stand it much longer. I shall withdraw my account. If he was here, we could go and see that tomb. I don't believe he's at the bank at all. He's larking about somewhere, that's what he's doing, leaving us to do all the work. I'm going to get out, and have a drink."

  I pointed out to him that we were miles away from a pub.; and then he went on about the river, and what was the good of the river, and was everyone who came on the river to die of thirst?

  It is always best to let Harris have his head when he gets like this. Then he pumps himself out, and is quiet afterwards.

  I reminded him that there was concentrated lemonade in the hamper, and a gallon-jar of water in the nose of the boat, and that the two only wanted mixing to make a cool and refreshing beverage.

  Then he flew off about lemonade, and "such-like Sunday-school slops," as he termed them, ginger-beer, raspberry syrup, amp;c., amp;c. He said they all produced dyspepsia, and ruined body and soul alike, and were the cause of half the crime in England.

  He said he must drink something, however, and climbed upon the seat, and leant over to get the bottle. It was right at the bottom of the hamper, and seemed difficult to find, and he had to lean over further and furthe
r, and, in trying to steer at the same time, from a topsy-turvy point of view, he pulled the wrong line, and sent the boat into the bank, and the shock upset him, and he dived down right into the hamper, and stood there on his head, holding on to the sides of the boat like grim death, his legs sticking up into the air. He dared not move for fear of going over, and had to stay there till I could get hold of his legs, and haul him back, and that made him madder than ever.

  CHAPTER VIII

  Blackmailing.-The proper course to pursue.-Selfish boorishness of river-side landowner.-"Notice" boards.-Unchristianlike feelings of Harris.-How Harris sings a comic song.-A high-class party.-Shameful conduct of two abandoned young men.-Some useless information.-George buys a banjo.

  WE stopped under the willows by Kempton Park, and lunched. It is a pretty little spot there: a pleasant grass plateau, running along by the water's edge, and overhung by willows. We had just commenced the third course-the bread and jam-when a gentleman in shirt-sleeves and a short pipe came along, and wanted to know if we knew that we were trespassing. We said we hadn't given the matter sufficient consideration as yet to enable us to arrive at a definite conclusion on that point, but that, if he assured us on his word as a gentleman that we were trespassing, we would, without further hesitation, believe it.

  He gave us the required assurance, and we thanked him, but he still hung about, and seemed to be dissatisfied, so we asked him if there was anything further that we could do for him; and Harris, who is of a chummy disposition, offered him a bit of bread and jam.

  I fancy he must have belonged to some society sworn to abstain from bread and jam; for he declined it quite gruffly, as if he were vexed at being tempted with it, and he added that it was his duty to turn us off.

  Harris said that if it was a duty it ought to be done, and asked the man what was his idea with regard to the best means for accomplishing it. Harris is what you would call a well-made man of about number one size, and looks hard and bony, and the man measured him up and down, and said he would go and consult his master, and then come back and chuck us both into the river.

  Of course, we never saw him any more, and, of course, all he really wanted was a shilling. There are a certain number of riverside roughs who make quite an income, during the summer, by slouching about the banks and blackmailing weak-minded noodles in this way. They represent themselves as sent by the proprietor. The proper course to pursue is to offer your name and address, and leave the owner, if he really has anything to do with the matter, to summon you, and prove what damage you have done to his land by sitting down on a bit of it. But the majority of people are so intensely lazy and timid, that they prefer to encourage the imposition by giving in to it rather than put an end to it by the exertion of a little firmness.

  Where it is really the owners that are to blame, they ought to be shown up. The selfishness of the riparian proprietor grows with every year. If these men had their way they would close the river Thames altogether. They actually do this along the minor tributary streams and in the backwaters. They drive posts into the bed of the stream, and draw chains across from bank to bank, and nail huge notice-boards on every tree. The sight of those notice-boards rouses every evil instinct in my nature. I feel I want to tear each one down, and hammer it over the head of the man who put it up, until I have killed him, and then I would bury him, and put the board up over the grave as a tombstone.

  I mentioned these feelings of mine to Harris, and he said he had them worse than that. He said he not only felt he wanted to kill the man who caused the board to be put up, but that he should like to slaughter the whole of his family and all his friends and relations, and then burn down his house. This seemed to me to be going too far, and I said so to Harris; but he answered:

  "Not a bit of it. Serve `em all jolly well right, and I'd go and sing comic songs on the ruins."

  I was vexed to hear Harris go on in this blood-thirsty strain. We never ought to allow our instincts of justice to degenerate into mere vindictiveness. It was a long while before I could get Harris to take a more Christian view of the subject, but I succeeded at last, and he promised me that he would spare the friends and relations at all events, and would not sing comic songs on the ruins.

  You have never heard Harris sing a comic song, or you would understand the service I had rendered to mankind. It is one of Harris's fixed ideas that he can sing a comic song; the fixed idea, on the contrary, among those of Harris's friends who have heard him try, is that he can't and never will be able to, and that he ought not to be allowed to try.

  When Harris is at a party, and is asked to sing, he replies: "Well, I can only sing a comic song, you know;" and he says it in a tone that implies that his singing of that, however, is a thing that you ought to hear once, and then die.

  "Oh, that is nice," says the hostess. "Do sing one, Mr. Harris;" and Harris gets up, and makes for the piano, with the beaming cheeriness of a generous-minded man who is just about to give somebody something.

  "Now, silence, please, everybody" says the hostess, turning round; "Mr. Harris is going to sing a comic song!"

  "Oh, how jolly!" they murmur; and they hurry in from the conservatory, and come up from the stairs, and go and fetch each other from all over the house, and crowd into the drawing-room, and sit round, all smirking in anticipation.

  Then Harris begins.

  Well, you don't look for much of a voice in a comic song. You don't expect correct phrasing or vocalization. You don't mind if a man does find out, when in the middle of a note, that he is too high, and comes down with a jerk. You don't bother about time. You don't mind a man being two bars in front of the accompaniment, and easing up in the middle of a line to argue it out with the pianist, and then starting the verse afresh. But you do expect the words.

  You don't expect a man to never remember more than the first three lines of the first verse, and to keep on repeating these until it is time to begin the chorus. You don't expect a man to break off in the middle of a line, and snigger, and say, it's very funny, but he's blest if he can think of the rest of it, and then try and make it up for himself, and, afterwards, suddenly recollect it, when he has got to an entirely different part of the song, and break off, without a word of warning, to go back and let you have it then and there. You don't-well, I will just give you an idea of Harris's comic singing, and then you can judge of it for yourself.

  Harris (standing up in front of piano and addressing the expectant mob): "I'm afraid it's a very old thing, you know. I expect you all know it, you know. But it's the only thing I know. It's the Judge's song out of Pinafore-no, I don't mean Pinafore-I mean-you know what I mean-the other thing, you know. You must all join in the chorus, you know."

  [Murmurs of delight and anxiety to join in the chorus. Brilliant performance of prelude to the Judge's song in "Trial by Jury" by nervous Pianist. Moment arrives for Harris to join in. Harris takes no notice of it. Nervous pianist commences prelude over again, and Harris, commencing singing at the same time, dashes off the first two lines of the First Lord's song out of "Pinafore." Nervous pianist tries to push on with prelude, gives it up, and tries to follow Harris with accompaniment to Judge's song out "Trial by Jury," finds that doesn't answer, and tries to recollect what he is doing, and where he is, feels his mind giving way, and stops short.

  Harris (with kindly encouragement): "It's all right. You're doing it very well, indeed-go on."

  Nervous Pianist: "I'm afraid there's a mistake somewhere. What are you singing?"

  Harris (promptly): "Why the Judge's song out of Trial by Jury. Don't you know it?"

  Some Friend of Harris's (from the back of the room): "No, you're not, you chuckle-head, you're singing the Admiral's song from Pinafore."

  [Long argument between Harris and Harris's friend as to what Harris is really singing. Friend finally suggests that it doesn't matter what Harris is singing so long as Harris gets on and sings it, and Harris, with an evident sense of injustice rankling inside him, requests pianist to begin
again. Pianist, thereupon, starts prelude to the Admiral's song, and Harris, seizing what he considers to be a favourable opening in the music, begins.

  Harris:

  "'When I was young and called to the Bar.'"

  [General roar of laughter, taken by Harris as a compliment. Pianist, thinking of his wife and family, gives up the unequal contest and retires; his place being taken by a stronger-nerved man.

  The New Pianist (cheerily): "Now then, old man, you start off, and I'll follow. We won't bother about any prelude."

  Harris (upon whom the explanation of matters has slowly dawned-laughing): "By Jove! I beg your pardon. Of course-I've been mixing up the two songs. It was Jenkins confused me, you know. Now then.

  [Singing; his voice appearing to come from the cellar, and suggesting the first low warnings of an approaching earthquake.

  "'When I was young I served a term

  As office-boy to an attorney's firm.'

  (Aside to pianist): "It is too low, old man; we'll have that over again, if you don't mind."

  [Sings first two lines over again, in a high falsetto this time. Great surprise on the part of the audience. Nervous old lady near the fire begins to cry, and has to be led out.

  Harris (continuing):

  "'I swept the windows and I swept the door,

  And I-'

  No-no, I cleaned the windows of the big front door. And I polished up the floor-no, dash it-I beg your pardon-funny thing, I can't think of that line. And I-and I-Oh, well, we'll get on to the chorus, and chance it (sings):

  "'And I diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-de,

  Till now I am the ruler of the Queen's navee.'

  Now then, chorus-it is the last two lines repeated, you know.

  General Chorus:

  "And he diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-diddle-dee,

  Till now he is the ruler of the Queen's navee."

  And Harris never sees what an ass he is making of himself, and how he is annoying a lot of people who never did him any harm. He honestly imagines that he has given them a treat, and says he will sing another comic song after supper.