The LEGO Batman Movie Junior Novel

by Jeanette Lane

  “Typical heroes. Always making it about themselves,” another villain replied.

  Now all the villains had something to add, a story to share.

  The Joker grinned. His plan was proceeding even better than he’d dared to dream! Being sent to the Phantom Zone was the best thing that had ever happened to him! He had always wanted a mentor, someone to teach him to be more evil. Now he would have the advice of the greatest villains of all time!

  And in the meantime, his best gal pal Harley Quinn was back in Gotham City with an ace up her sleeve …

  Down in Arkham Asylum, three armed guards were transporting the Phantom Zone Projector to a secure room. They boarded an elevator headed toward the vault.

  “Hey, did you see the game last night?” the first guard asked.

  “Oh man, that was the craziest game I’ve ever seen in my life,” the second guard answered. “Could you believe that coach? He was screaming, so angry …”

  “You didn’t see the game, did you,” the first guard said.

  “Nope,” the second guard said sheepishly. “I’m new in town and I’m just trying to make friends!”

  The elevator stopped, and a woman dressed in a white lab coat stepped on.

  “Going up, ma’am?” the second security guard asked.

  “No, but you’re going down!” the woman said. “Hi-ya!”

  The woman popped off her blond hairpiece. It was Harley Quinn! She whipped her mallet through the air, taking out both guards. Then she grabbed the Phantom Zone Projector and raced away.

  Harley Quinn had spent some time in Arkham Asylum, and she knew just where to go. She headed for the stairs and took them two at a time.

  Moments later, she was outside on the roof, with all of Gotham City stretching before her.

  Harley Quinn smiled. Then she pressed a button on the projector’s handle.

  “Export options. Release inmate ‘Joker.’ Are you sure?” the projector computer asked.

  “Yes, I am,” said Harley.

  “Please don’t,” said the computer.

  But she did. “Release the Joker!” cried Harley Quinn.

  The projector’s beam brightened the night sky, and the power of the laser made the ground shake. A bright light shot up toward the sky. Then there was a zapping sound … and the Joker suddenly materialized beside Harley!

  “Welcome back, sugarplum,” she greeted him warmly.

  The Joker grinned. Thanks to Harley’s help, he’d finally outwitted Batman. Not only was he out of jail, but he had possession of the Phantom Zone Projector!

  The Joker and Harley strode back through the halls of Arkham Asylum with their heads held high.

  Harley held the ring of prison keys high in the air and jangled them. “Who wants a get-out-of-jail-free card?” she called in a singsong voice.

  “Look, the boss is back!” the Riddler said, his hands wrapped around the cell bars.

  “Wooooo-hoo!! Yay!” cheered the Rogues.

  It only took a few minutes to unlock the cell door of every last Rogue.

  Only when the criminal crew had poured onto the street, free of the Asylum walls, did Harley breathe a sigh of relief. “Now what does everyone say?”

  “Thank you, Harley,” the Rogues all answered.

  “You’re welcome,” Harley Quinn answered, with a curtsy. “I’m happy to break you out of jail so we can all take over Gotham City together.”

  “Thank you, sugarplum. I couldn’t have said it better myself,” said the Joker. “You know recently, someone very mean and hurtful … Batman! … told me that I was not his greatest enemy, and that I would never take over the city. But I’m not the type to let a Negative Nelly tell me what I can and can’t do. I’m more of a ‘try and try again’ kind of guy.”

  The Rogues all grumbled in agreement.

  “While I was in the Phantom Zone, I learned a thing or two about being a super-villain,” the Joker went on. His grin stretched all the way across his face and up to his eyes. “Here’s the new Gotham City Takeover Plan: We take control of the energy plant tomorrow night. This time, we don’t tell anyone, and this time we don’t mess it up! We just blow it and everything within twenty miles to smithereens. And if anyone tries to get in the way, I’ll zap them with this!”

  Harley placed the Phantom Zone Projector in the Joker’s outstretched hands.

  “Even Batman can’t stop us now,” the Joker boasted. “We are going to take this sad little town DOWN.” He waved the projector above his head triumphantly. “But first, we will master the plan in our new hideout fortress. I propose Wayne Manor. As the nastiest villains, we deserve the fanciest digs!”

  With that, the band of merry, menacing Rogues followed the Joker into the night.

  Barbara Gordon was pulling another late night in her office when the two security guards from the elevator burst in.

  “Ma’am, Harley Quinn just beat us up and took the Phantom Zone Projector!”

  “I knew it!” said Barbara. She jumped up and ran to the door. “It’s the Joker. He’s back!”

  Chief O’Hara was right behind the guards. “Harley Quinn and the Joker just let all the Rogues out of their cells! Commissioner, we have to put up the Bat-Signal.”

  “Um, let’s say Batman couldn’t receive the Bat-Signal right now,” said Barbara. “What’s plan B?”

  “The Bat-Phone,” O’Hara replied.

  “Plan C?” Barbara asked, wincing.

  “The Bat Fax Machine,” the chief answered.

  Barbara took a deep breath. “Do we have any strategies for defending the city that are not Bat-related?”

  “Uh … no,” said the chief.

  “Okay,” said Barbara. “I know what to do. We have to get the Phantom Zone Projector back.”

  Early the next morning, on Wayne Island, Alfred was sweeping the front stoop when he heard the rev of mighty engines. High-octane whoops and hollers followed.

  It was the Rogues, coming to claim Wayne Manor as their new headquarters.

  “Good grief,” Alfred said. He dropped the broom, jumped into Bruce Wayne’s limo, and raced away.

  As he headed toward Arkham Asylum, Alfred attempted to avoid the hot spots of mayhem that were flaring up all over Gotham City. Croc … Catwoman … the Riddler … Captain Boomerang … the Rogues were attacking in small bands, wreaking havoc everywhere. Explosions seemed to come from every other block, and the stench of burnt rubber hung in the air.

  Alfred shook his head. There was only one person who could help them now, and as far as his butler knew, he was locked up in Arkham Asylum.

  Alfred stepped on the gas.

  On the cellblock, Batman and Dick were standing by their cell doors. Each was leaning his head against the bars. And they were … singing?

  “Kid!” Batman cried. “I said no harmonizing!”

  “Sorry, Bat-Dad,” said Dick. “I couldn’t resist.”

  Suddenly, there was a loud screeching sound. Batman looked down at his arm. “The Bat Fax!” he gasped as a long scroll of paper shot out of his bicep armor.

  There was a single item on the paper: the bat-symbol.

  “The city needs me!” Batman said. “Hey!” he called to the closest guard. “Excuse me, can you get the commissioner and show her this?”

  But the guard didn’t have to go anywhere, because Barbara was already there. “Batman,” she said coolly. “I sent you that fax. I hate to say this, but you’re right. The city needs you.”

  “Yes! Let me out,” said Batman.

  “I’m only going to let you out on one condition,” said Barbara.

  “Name it,” said Batman.

  “You can’t do it by yourself,” she said. “The city is in so much trouble. No one could do this alone.”

  “UGGHHHH!” Batman cried. “Fiiiiinnnne. Who do I have to work with? The Teen Titans? The Omega Men? Young Justice?”

  “No,” said Barbara. “Me.”

  Batman was puzzled. “Just to be clear … this is a dat
e, right?”

  “Not at all,” said Barbara, rolling her eyes. “You and I need to work together. Starting now.”

  “I want to help, too!” cried Dick from the cell next door.

  “Kid, you’re supposed to be on my side … when it comes to the fact that nobody should be on my team,” Batman said patiently.

  “And I shall join as well,” said Alfred, joining Barbara outside the cell.

  “How … did you get in here?” Barbara asked.

  “Alfred Pennyworth. At your service, ma’am,” Alfred said politely.

  “Alfred! You’ve got to let me out of here,” said Batman.

  “Sir, the Joker and his accomplices have invaded the Batcave,” Alfred said significantly.

  “You’ll never be able to defeat them all alone,” said Barbara. “Especially if they have all your gear now,” she added as an afterthought, glancing at Alfred.

  “You know what I’m going to say, right?” said Batman.

  “And it’ll be more fun if we all do it together,” said Dick.

  “Well, that’s majorly up for debate, but if we’re being real,” said Batman, “accepting help from an old man, a kid in his underwear, and a desk jockey—”

  “So rude!” cried Barbara.

  “—is kind of a bad look for Batman,” Batman finished.

  “Really?” said Barbara. “What’s the worst that could happen? What are you so afraid of?”

  Batman didn’t answer right away. He looked at Alfred, and then looked away quickly.

  “I’m not afraid of anything!” he said defensively.

  “Okay, prove it,” said Barbara. She unlocked his cell, and then Dick’s.

  “Okay, I will,” said Batman, hurrying out of the cell and then down the cellblock. The others followed him.

  “Know what the B-A-T in Batman stands for?” Batman asked as they strode along the halls of Arkham Asylum.

  “Best At Tantrums?” Barbara quipped.

  “Funny,” said Batman. “No. It stands for Best At Teamwork. Best At Teamwork Man is my full name.”

  “Hey, Teamwork-Man, maybe you can call the Justice League for help,” Barbara suggested.

  “No problemo,” said Batman. “I’ve got them on speed dial.” He punched in a long string of numbers, whispering, “It’s ringing.”

  He listened for a minute, and then ended the call. “It went straight to voice mail.”

  “Weird,” said Barbara.

  “No, no, it’s not,” Batman said, shrugging. “Let’s go!”

  The new team emerged from Arkham Asylum to find a city in chaos.

  “The Joker’s at Wayne Manor,” said Dick.

  “Guys, I know the fastest way through the city,” Barbara said. “Follow me!”

  She darted ahead of the group. Alfred and Dick fell in behind her, keeping the pace. But almost at once, Batman ran and caught up with Barbara, passing her.

  “Batman, what are you doing?” Barbara asked in a loud whisper.

  “Just following ahead of you,” he answered.

  “The phrase is ‘following behind you,’” Barbara reminded him. She motioned for Batman to get behind her.

  “Oh, right, right,” Batman said, and he let Barbara take the lead. But he couldn’t stop himself and surged forward again, edging just ahead of the new commissioner.

  Barbara narrowed her eyes and increased her speed. She and Batman kept alternating who was in front, back and forth and back and forth.

  “We’re adorable together,” Batman said, winking at her.

  Barbara just rolled her eyes.

  Look out! Adversaries ahead,” Alfred called.

  “There are so many of them!” Dick cried.

  He wasn’t exaggerating. The streets were filled with Rogues. They were led by Harley Quinn, who was making merry mayhem with her mallet. Behind her were Clayface, Mr. Freeze, Bane, and dozens more.

  “Batman, they’re going to see us!” Dick went on.

  “Don’t worry, I know what you guys need,” said Batman, pulling his merch gun out of his Utility Belt. “Fire in the hole! KABOOM!”

  Kaboom!

  “No way,” Barbara said, but that didn’t stop Batman.

  Boom! Kaboom! Kaboom! Kaboom! Kaboom! Kaboom! Kaboom!

  “Ew, seriously?” Barbara muttered, looking down at the new outfit Batman’s merch gun had just dressed her in. It looked a lot like a purple-and-yellow tracksuit.

  “You’re next,” Batman told Alfred. Kaboom! Instantly, Alfred was clothed in a classic costume that looked like it came from the Batman Museum.

  “Ha-ha!” Alfred exclaimed. “The old blue and gray.”

  “Yeah, just like a real bat,” Batman said.

  “Hey!” Dick said. “I can wear my costume, too!”

  “Well, luckily for us, you left your costume back at the Manor,” Batman said.

  Rip! It took Dick 0.95 seconds to rip off his everyday clothes and reveal his yellow-and-red-and-green “Reggae Man” costume underneath.

  “Nope.” Batman sighed. “Your costume is under your clothes. That’s … perfect. You’re going to have to get a shot from the merch gun, too.”

  “Sir, he’s just a boy,” Alfred interjected. “Maybe Master Dick should wear what he wants?”

  “Uh, no,” said Batman. “If he wants to be like Batman, then he’s going to have to learn how to walk, talk, think, act, fight, dress, drive, eat, sleep, and snorkel like Batman. Copy that?”

  Before Alfred or Dick could respond, a pack of penguins swarmed around them.

  “The next part is going to require help from all of you,” Batman said, kicking a penguin away.

  “Great,” Barbara said, relieved to finally be included in the plan.

  “I need you to live stream this on social media,” said Batman, tossing out smartphones. He assigned different platforms to Dick, Alfred, and Barbara.

  “Seriously?” Barbara asked in disbelief.

  “Copy that, Dad!” Dick answered.

  Batman winked and smiled as Dick pointed the phone and shot a series of pics.

  “While you guys do that,” Batman said. “I’m going to fight them on my own! GAAAAAAHHH!” Batman let out a yelp as he stormed the penguins. With flying kicks, he knocked the first row down like bowling pins. But then another group swarmed him, waddling around his feet and tripping him up.

  “Guys, let’s go,” Barbara commanded, seeing that Batman was outnumbered.

  “No, you guys just stay back. I got it,” Batman insisted, swatting at a whole colony of penguins. “See, it’s even easier than usual,” he said, panting.

  Suddenly, they were all surrounded. Out of the shadows came Mr. Freeze, Catwoman, and the Penguin.

  “Meow, meow,” Catwoman said, flicking her tail.

  “Uh-oh,” Barbara Gordon muttered. Then she yelled, “Attack!”

  Dick, Alfred, and Barbara leaped into the fray.

  “This changes nothing,” Batman insisted, bouncing Batarangs off the walls around them to keep Catwoman at bay.

  “Come on, guys, let’s do this!” Barbara said, rallying the troops.

  “No, no, you’re doing it wrong,” Batman said, watching Barbara battle Mr. Freeze. “Kick him in the face,” he directed. He stopped paying attention to the army of web-footed minions and just gave Barbara pointers. “Now hit him in the chest. Now hit him in the ribs. Now hit him in the solar plexus.”

  With Batman distracted, the Penguin joined the battle. He wrapped his umbrella around Batman’s neck from behind, trying to drag him to the ground.

  “When it rains, it pours, wouldn’t you say, Batman?” the Penguin said with a chuckle.

  “I can help, Dad,” Dick yelled, arriving at Batman’s side.

  “Just help the others,” Batman muttered, trying to pull the umbrella away.

  “Are you sure? Because it looks like you can’t breathe.”

  “This is my resting rage face,” Batman grunted.

  “I’ve got just the thing you nee
d!” Dick said, whipping out his Bat Shark Repellent. “I know penguins are birds and not fish, but they are both marine animals,” Dick reasoned as he aimed the spray for the Penguin’s pinched face. “So let’s give this a go!”

  When the spray squirted right in his eyes, the Penguin squawked in pain. He dropped the umbrella and waddled away.

  “Woo-hoo! I saved my dad’s life!” Dick cheered.

  “Well, I invented that product, so, technically, I saved myself,” Batman said, trying to catch his breath.

  The other fights were almost even: Barbara against Mr. Freeze and Alfred against Catwoman.

  All of a sudden, Alfred bellowed, “Everyone, stop!”

  Surprisingly, the bad guys came to a halt.

  “Sneak attack!” Alfred announced in an excited whisper.

  Catwoman let out a shocked hiss just as Dick leaped up and knocked her down with an acrobatic kick.

  “Woo-hoo!” Dick exclaimed.

  Barbara nabbed Mr. Freeze’s ray gun and turned it on him. The villain was stunned cold.

  “We need to get out of here,” Barbara said, knowing that the Rogues would not stay knocked down for long. She reached for her grappling hook—only to discover it was made out of chocolate. The merch gun had given her sugar-coated Bat-gadgets!

  Barbara heard the patter of tiny webbed feet approaching. The Penguin and his birds were returning. “Quick, Batman, throw me your grappling hook!” Barbara called.

  Batman scowled. “You can’t use mine, you might scratch it.”

  “Hurry up,” Barbara advised. “We don’t have time.”

  “Okay, fine,” said Batman. Barbara yanked his grappling hook off his belt. On her first try, she got the hook to knock around a lamppost above their heads.

  “Okay, guys, grab on!” she called.

  The team latched themselves to Barbara, and they shot up into the air.

  As soon as they’d reached safety, Batman quickly went into MasterBuilder mode. He directed everyone to gather bricks from the rubble on the sidewalk. “The Rogues must have come this way,” he muttered. The Joker’s crew left destruction in its path … as always.

  “I think I hear something,” Dick said. “Something coming.”