Silver Clouds

by Fleur McDonald

  . . .

  Monday, 28 March 1960

  Fires have been bad throughout the summer – the dry storms and lightning strikes have kept everyone alert. But tonight there is soft and steady rain from a cyclone on the northwest coast. It should put paid to any wildfires still burning.

  . . .

  Sunday, 22 December 1963

  I think the most exciting news I have is I am an aunty to a sweet, dark-haired child. His nose is tiny and his mouth seems to open all the time. His skin is like his father’s, a dark olive, which means he won’t get burnt!

  Lucy is well and the birth seemed easy – but how terrible of me to say so when I haven’t had a child. What I mean is, there weren’t any difficulties. Thank goodness. I had been terrified there may be.

  They have named the boy Paul.

  I am going to tell Tom I will move out of the homestead. What way is it really, to have a family when you have a sister living with you. I will move to the little hut we first built when we arrived. It is plenty big enough for me and won’t require too much fixing. Lucy will need a house and amenities. It will help, too, if she’s near the house windmill – much easier for the vegie patch.

  Tessa stopped reading. That baby was her dad. She’d just read about the birth of her dad out here on the Nullarbor. And obviously the house Aunty Spider was referring to was where Tessa had been raised. She tried to imagine what it would have been like, alone except for a doting family. No friends outside of the station. What a lonely existence.

  She flicked back through the rest of the books and opened up 1967’s diary.

  Thursday, 19 January 1967

  The wool market is very much in the doldrums at the moment. The money we should have received for the last clip isn’t what we’d budgeted on and it means we will have to put on hold some of the water development we wanted to do. We also found the cull ewe price wasn’t what we were hoping for, either. I’m thinking we need to diversify. Perhaps buy some cattle. Our neighbours have some cows for sale and we could buy a bull easily enough. It would help alleviate the money pressure for a year or two. I hope.

  Tessa found herself not just wanting, but also needing to know what happened in the early years, when there weren’t any diaries. But there had to be! Spider wouldn’t just stop writing them.

  And then she remembered she hadn’t returned Elsie’s call.

  Tessa picked up the phone.

  ‘Hello, Elsie. It’s Tessa.’

  ‘Tessa dear.’ The joy in Elsie’s voice shocked Tessa. The old lady must have been waiting to hear from her.

  ‘Yes, it’s me. How are you, Elsie?’

  ‘I’m getting along just fine. I keep myself busy.’

  ‘What do you do?’ Tessa asked out of politeness, when what she really wanted to do was ask a million other questions.

  ‘Oh, you know, the usual sort of things. I help out at the museum once a week, visit all the old people in the hospital who haven’t got anyone else. That sort of thing.’

  ‘All the old people? Elsie, you’re eighty-four! How old are the old people you visit?’

  ‘Some of them are younger than me, but they’re ill. Unfortunate for them, really. But there are some as old as ninety, you know!’

  Tessa laughed. ‘I think you and Aunty Spider may have been hellraisers when you were younger.’

  ‘Ah yes, my dear. We could well have been. But no different to you or Ryan or any other young person.’

  ‘Elsie, I’m wondering if I could ask you something?’ ‘Of course dear. Anything.’

  ‘I’ve been reading Aunty Spider’s diaries. I’ve found quite a few but there are some years missing. I would’ve thought there should have been others around, but I can’t seem to find them. Have you got any idea where they’d be?’

  ‘Here in my spare room.’

  ‘Beg your pardon?’ It was the last answer she expected.

  ‘She gave them to me for safe-keeping. There was a time, although I’m not sure why, that she felt the place for these wasn’t on Danjar Plains, so she sent them to me. One’s family history is very important. It shows later generations where you’ve come from and why your family is the way it is today. I don’t mean just yours, Tessa, I mean anyone’s. Everyone has a right to know about his or her heritage. But for some reason she told me I had to wait until the time was right before handing them on. But without any other instructions from her, I do believe that time is now. I’ve got them all packaged up ready to send.’

  ‘Wasn’t safe?’ Tessa was still back at Elsie’s first sentence. ‘Why?’

  ‘I can’t tell you.’

  ‘Can’t or won’t?’

  ‘Can’t. I don’t know why, other than she wanted them off the place. But I happily took them.’

  ‘Have you read any of them? Can you give me a clue?’

  ‘Tessa!’ Elsie sounded shocked. ‘Never would I have broken my dearest friend’s trust like that. Never.’

  ‘Sorry.’ Tessa felt suitably chastised. ‘Sorry. I was only joking.’

  ‘Trust is something to never joke about.’

  There was a pause while Tessa tried to work out what to say next. ‘She had a pretty hard life, didn’t she?’

  ‘We all did back then, but we never saw it that way,’ Elsie said. ‘It was the way life was. Everyone experienced the same things. There was death, you accepted it. There were fun times, you enjoyed them. No point in moaning or whining. Life was just there to be lived the best we could.’

  ‘Did you tell her that when her uncle and brothers died?’ It was a loaded question. Tessa still wasn’t convinced that Elsie had spent as much time with Spider as she claimed. After all, her aunt had made no mention of her. But still, she seemed to know so much.

  ‘I didn’t have to tell her, dear. She already knew that.’

  ‘The diaries are very scarce with info, especially personal stuff. I thought that was what they were for, to record your deepest thoughts.’

  ‘Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong, Tessa. Diaries back then were for historical reference. That’s how most people wrote them – so younger generations would know what we did. Letters were for personal thoughts. Even if you wrote them to yourself.’

  Tessa’s desire to read those diaries and whatever letters she could get her hands on was so strong she wanted to jump down the phone and grab them that very moment. ‘Are there any letters you can send me?’ she asked.

  ‘No, dear, I don’t have them.’

  Disappointed, she said: ‘So, I’m assuming I won’t get anything much out of these diaries? If it’s all just historical recounts?’

  ‘It depends on what you do with the information you read. Sorry to be so cryptic!’ Elsie let out a chuckle as if she wasn’t sorry at all and Tessa snorted at the absurdity. It was almost like talking to Aunty Spider all over again.

  ‘She knew she would send me mad, trying to figure this out, didn’t she?’

  Elsie chuckled again. ‘I don’t think it was her intention, but she wouldn’t have been surprised! Goodbye, Tessa, dear. I’ll take the parcel to the post office tomorrow.’

  ‘Thanks, Elsie. Take care.’

  Tessa hung up and jiggled her knee in agitation. There was something hidden in this family, a secret of some sort. Elsie knew what it was, but she was a bloody vault.

  Tessa would find it, she was determined. Then she realised: she’d forgotten to ask Elsie about the rings.

  Chapter 23

  Tessa rummaged through the storeroom at the homestead trying to find an old sleeping bag and tarpaulin she could use as a swag. There were heaps of blankets at Spider’s and she had a couple of those, but she needed something waterproof in case there was a dew.

  The Muster was only days away and with the planning and helping her mother to get everything ready, the family investigation had been put on hold. She couldn’t help but wonder when Brendan would get there. She was very keen to see him – the spasmodic phone calls had only whetted her appetite.

/>   She wasn’t sure how she felt about her first Muster since Kendra had died. It was too long ago for anyone to bring it up, but the fact remained, she’d only come back once after the accident. Her presence was sure to stir some interest from the locals who knew her story.

  ‘What’d you find, love?’ Peggy was standing in the doorway.

  ‘I’ve got a holey sleeping bag, but I can’t find anything else I can use as a swag.’

  Tessa turned around. Dust freckled her nose. Her mother gave a little chuckle. ‘You look like the Tessa of old,’ she said, reaching out to pick a cobweb off her daughter’s fringe. ‘And your hair has grown. Thank goodness for that. I must say, petal, you look much better. Fresher. I’m so pleased you’ve stayed for a while. Now, did you see anything in the cellar when you were down there?’

  ‘No, not that I remember.’

  ‘Well, there’s probably something in the shearers’ quarters. Head over and have a look there.’ Her mother paused. ‘Actually there’s a chance Spider’s swag is over there with all of ours. Why don’t you see if you can find it.’

  Uncomfortable at the thought of sharing her great-aunt’s sleeping space, she wrinkled her nose. ‘I’ll see what I can find,’ she answered.

  The shearers’ quarters were probably seventy years old. They were made from limestone, with walls nearly twenty-five centimetres thick. Tessa had never thought about how much effort would have gone into building them, but as she placed her hands on their coolness, she knew it must have taken years and much man power. How they could have managed to get the ceilings as high as they did was beyond her.

  She cautiously stuck her head through the door and looked around. Snakes and all sorts of creatures might be found here, so she wouldn’t be setting a foot inside until she’d carefully surveyed the room.

  The small kitchen was neat and tidy, but empty. A little bedroom opened straight off it. Years ago it would have been the cook’s bedroom, but Spider had always refused to let a cook in here while she was able to keep up with the huge hunger demands shearers had. She would vault from the shearing shed to the kitchen and back again. Tessa never knew how she managed such a workload.

  For a moment, Tessa stopped and thought about the days she had spent here, sitting on the bench watching Spider. That was where she had learned to cook cakes and pies – apple and rhubarb had been one of the shearers’ favourites. For lunches there had been large servings of roast mutton, potatoes and pumpkin, all washed down with mugs of hot tea. Dinner was the eastern dishes that Spider had been known for.

  All those skills Spider had taught her, and Tessa was blowed if she could remember the last time she’d baked a cake. Maybe next time she went to Cally’s she could make one. She bet there wasn’t too much of that sort of thing over there with Harrison in charge. And Brendan would probably like one too, she thought, pushing Harrison out of her mind.

  She set off down the passageway. It was narrow, cool and brilliantly light, thanks to the whitewashed walls. Off it were five bedrooms behind heavy wooden doors. Each room contained a fireplace and two single beds.

  Tessa was rewarded in the second room she looked. There were five swags already rolled up and placed beside each other on one of the narrow beds. At first glance she knew the large double one belonged to her parents. There were three smaller ones, which were singles. One had been used recently and was the only one not covered in dust. She stared at it, knowing it was Spider’s but wondering why it wasn’t like the others. Surely the old lady hadn’t been camping recently! With unpractised fingers she loosened the buckles of the straps and unrolled it. She removed the inside of the swag to take back to the homestead and wash and dragged the tarp onto the floor. Then she half-carried, half-dragged it to the kitchen. There she quickly had a look for holes. It would be fine. Tessa started to roll it back up when she felt a bulge at the bottom. Frowning, she unzipped it further and felt for what it was. Her fingers touched on something hard. She brought it out and stared at the bulky camera. It was an old-fashioned wind-on film camera. How strange. Tessa hadn’t known Spider liked taking photos. She checked the display panel and saw there were twenty-four photos on the film and twenty of them had been used. ‘Wonder what these shots are of?’ she said out loud, before placing the camera carefully on the bench.

  She turned and went back down the hallway, and popped her head into the other three rooms. All empty and clean, except for the layers of dust. It would be another seven months before these rooms rang with voices and energy again.

  Back at the homestead, she laid everything out on the front lawn and started assembling the swag. First, the tarp was laid out flat and then on top she placed a thin mattress. Next was the sleeping bag and three blankets then everything was wrapped in a silver space blanket, which looked like nothing more than alfoil. Then she folded the tarp in all around the lot, zipped it all in and rolled it as tight as she could.

  ‘You look like you did that only last week.’ Marni was walking up the path, an overnight bag in her hand.

  Tessa looked up. ‘Oh ha, ha,’ she said, smiling. She turned back to survey her handiwork. ‘It’s a bit rough, but it’ll keep out any nasties. What’s with the bag? You packing for the Muster?’

  Marni’s face broke into a huge smile. ‘Ryan and I are going to Perth after the Muster. We’ve made an appointment to see that fertility doctor you suggested. I’ve come to borrow a couple of things from Peggy.’

  ‘Oh, that’s fantastic!’ Without thinking she threw her arms around her sister-in-law and held her. ‘I hope it turns out the way you want it to.’

  ‘I’m reckoning it will. We just need a bit of help, and we should get it there. We’ll go and see Dr Mike in Kal before we go, but the first appointment, at least, is set up. We’ll work out a plan from there.’

  ‘I think that’s just great! Mum and Dad obviously know then?’

  ‘Yeah, Ryan told them yesterday. I think he’s hoping you might stick around for a little while, until we get back in case they need another pair of hands.’

  ‘Don’t think I’ll be much use,’ Tessa said, making a face. ‘But Marni, I would honestly love to do that, if it will help you guys relax while you’re away.’

  ‘Thanks, Tessa.’

  ‘And I owe you an apology. I was so nasty to you when you came to visit. I’m very sorry. For some reason, you talking about Spider made me jealous. I felt I just had to hurt you. Sorry, I’m so fucked up.’ Tessa looked at the ground but jerked her head up when Marni started to laugh and laugh. ‘What’s so funny?’ she asked, frowning.

  ‘Oh, Tessa, I never thought I’d hear you say the word “fuck”! You’re too much of a city person! I’m so nervous around you, ’cos I think I come across as such a country hick!’

  ‘What? City people don’t say fuck? Oh you are sooo wrong! Come on inside and have a cup of tea with Mum. We’d better rectify this problem!’

  ‘Well, I’ll take you up on the cuppa, but it’s okay. I know you’ve only been here three months, but you’ve mellowed, Tessa. You don’t scare me as much now.’

  ‘You’re right, Marni.’ Peggy was standing in the doorway. ‘We’re beginning to see the real you, Tessa, not the one you want us to see. And that makes me so glad.’

  Tessa looked at them both, thinking about their words. They were spot-on, if you disregarded all the meltdowns she’d had since she’d arrived. She was feeling calmer, more peaceful and more at home. Her thoughts were clearer, as was her whole body. Was it possible that she was putting her ghosts to rest, even though she kept thinking about them?

  ‘I think you’re all a bit heavy for me this morning,’ she finally said. ‘I need that cup of tea.’

  Inside, the three women chatted happily together as they drank their tea. Tessa and her mum were relieved and pleased for Marni, and they were all excited about the upcoming Muster.

  ‘Do you have to do anything at the Muster, Mum? We’ve cooked all the little cupcakes for the food stall. Is there anything else?’
Tessa asked. She had vague memories of all the food being provided by locals.

  ‘Yeah, I’ll help Diane and Pastor Allen to cook doughnuts on the first day. He’s raising money for the Frontier Services and the Flying Doctor. But now, all of the catering is done by Kalgoorlie folks. There’re too many people coming for just us “Nullarborians”.’ She made quotation marks with her fingers. ‘Your Dad’s job, as the treasurer, is a fair bit bigger than mine.’

  ‘Is he really? I can’t see Dad doing that.’

  ‘He’s been doing it for a couple of years, hasn’t he, Peg?’ Marni commented.

  ‘Mmm, yep.’ Peggy collected the cups and took them to the sink. ‘Harrison will be dropping off the float for the till tomorrow and then the next day we’ll go and help set up. There’s always a bit to do beforehand.’

  ‘I hope Cally rides well in the barrel races. She has her heart set on winning.’

  ‘Oh, she’s a great barrel racer, just like her mother was,’ Peggy said. ‘Did you know Ryan judges that?’

  ‘Really? Well, I’m actually quite excited about it all. Nothing like a good party.’ Grinning, Tessa did a couple of dance moves across the kitchen.

  Marni laughed. ‘Oh yeah, it’s the event of the year!’

  ‘I just hope there aren’t any problems,’ Peggy said. ‘Organising it is a huge job these days, because so many people come. In the last few years, we’ve had over eight hundred visitors come through the gate. It’s amazing to think people will come from as far as Perth to compete with their horses and for the bull riding!’

  ‘That many? Wow! Still, it’s for a good cause – we all know how much you depend on the Flying Doctor out here.’ Tessa rinsed the cups her mother had put on the sink and turned back towards them.

  ‘Now, can I change the subject?’ Tessa asked. She motioned for Peggy to sit down next to Marni.

  ‘I found something at Aunty Spider’s that I need some help with.’