Woman of Innocence

by Lindsay McKenna

  “A rainbow quilt,” she said quietly. “Is that how you see my life?” She watched his smile form; it was a smile of a wolf hunting its chosen prey. Yet it didn’t make her feel uncomfortable. Rather, she felt wanted and desired. Jenny had never had a man look at her quite the way Matt did. Was she reading the signals wrong? If he really desired her, why didn’t he kiss her? Why didn’t he speak of how he felt about her? Or was he just into having a one-night stand? Jenny wouldn’t go for that…ever. She’d made mistakes with men before, but she’d learned from each of them. There had to be a lot more than raw sex to a relationship. There had to be a genuine enjoyment, a friendship, between two people, too. The thought flitted through her head that she wasn’t brave enough to pursue a relationship with Matt. In her mind’s eye, she imagined he would be drawn to a woman from the military who had the same kind of background, plus that similar raw courage that Jenny certainly didn’t possess. A little saddened over that thought, she absorbed his growing smile.

  “You’re a rainbow, all right,” Matt said as he forced his hand to rest between them on the sheet. The ache in his lower body was intensifying—rapidly. He wanted to take her. To drown in her soft blue eyes, worship those petal-shaped lips and feel her womanly arms around him, holding him as only a woman could do.

  “That’s nice,” Jenny said with a sigh. “Do you know how I see you?”

  Matt saw the unsureness come into her expression as she boldly blurted her questions. Jenny tucked her lower lip between her teeth, a sign that she was nervous about putting out a tentative feeler in his direction. “How do you see me?” In order to ease her tension, he teased, “Like a clam? Armored up? Like a wall?”

  Laughing breathily, she said, “No, not at all! I see you…” she lifted her eyes toward the darkness of the ceiling momentarily “…as a wonderful knight in shining armor.”

  Groaning, Matt said, “Jenny, I’m not. Just ask my ex-wife. I might have been the Don Quixote type of knight in her eyes, but that’s about it.” He chuckled derisively.

  Jenny had been waiting for him to open up to her, and she knew this was her chance to gently delve into his past. “What was she like—your ex-wife?”

  Matt rolled his eyes. “Marilyn is a red-haired attorney. A criminal trial attorney. A shark of the first order.”

  “You must have seen something in her you loved?”

  With a grimace, Matt muttered, “Yeah, I did. I liked her passion, her fire, her belief in battling for the underdogs of life and helping people who couldn’t normally afford a lawyer like her. She was a top gun at a big law firm, and what I liked about her was that she cared for the little people of the world. Always. Marilyn never looked down on them.” Rubbing his face to wipe away the tiredness that was lapping at him, Matt added, “I make her out to be a demon, but she’s not, really. She just raked me over the coals when we got divorced, and I’m still smarting from it.”

  “I’ve seen some divorces turn awfully nasty,” Jenny agreed glumly.

  “Ours was. It didn’t have to be, but we were both hardheaded and stubborn. Neither of us would give in to the other. I ended up on the short end of the stick, and I guess, being honest about it, I’m a sore loser. I need to let it and her go.”

  “Did you have any children?” Jenny asked. She saw the anguish and pain in Matt’s darkening eyes.

  “No, thank God we didn’t.”

  “Did you want any?”

  “Yes, but we decided we’d wait until we were in our mid-thirties. Marilyn had her career, and I was shifting from the U.S. Navy to Perseus at the time. We didn’t feel it would be fair to bring a child into a home where both parents were fighting for new, higher-paying career slots.”

  “That’s great that you thought of those things. A child could suffer under that kind of situation.” Jenny liked the idea that Matt was sensitive to what it would take to raise a child.

  “Yeah, you would be especially sensitive to that issue, since you were traded around from one foster family to another,” he replied. “I know you like kids. Daniel thinks you’re his second mother,” he chuckled. Even tonight, after they’d been flown back to Agua Caliente, Jenny had walked to the river, where Maria was washing the clothes of her many clients. The older woman was methodically pounding the wet garments with a large, smooth stone while Daniel played nearby in a pool that had been created by the townspeople for small children. No one would dare to try and swim, much less cross, the wild hundred-foot-wide tributary, which poured like a rabid, frothing dog into the Urubamba downstream.

  Jenny had once again brought the child the dessert she’d gotten at the Black Jaguar Base mess, and Daniel had been thrilled. And she had bought Maria several worn, dark green wool blankets that Major Stevenson had said she could distribute to the poor. Maria had stood there, blankets in hand, with tears of gratitude in her eyes. Little Daniel had toddled up, his hands covered with chocolate frosting after having eaten the cake, and gripped Jenny’s slacks. She hadn’t cared that the little boy was messy, and had picked him up, kissed him on the cheek and hugged him lovingly.

  “Someday,” Jenny whispered now, giving Matt a dreamy smile, “I want children.”

  “How many?”

  “Two, I think. Two is plenty. It takes so much money to raise them, nowadays. I’d like to give them the opportunities I never had. To make their lives a little easier, so that they can follow their dreams, whatever they may be.”

  “You’ll be one hell of a mother,” Matt rasped, meaning every word. He itched to reach out and touch her. Matt saw the languid look in her darkening eyes as she stared across those scant inches at him. Her lips parted.

  Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes. “I think I’d better tell you that you’re in danger, Jenny.”

  Her eyes widened enormously. “What?” Instantly, she sat up. The sheet slid and pooled around her hips.

  He stared up at her. The white cotton nightgown she wore was simple, yet feminine, with lace around the scoop neck. She had clasped her hands against her breasts, her expression truly one of concern.

  “Calm down,” he told her heavily, and he reached out and slid his hand along her arm. Her skin was soft and warm. Inviting.

  “What’s the danger?” She began to look around the room. “Spies?”

  “No…me.”

  Snapping her head to the right, Jenny stared down at him. He reminded her of a cougar lazily stretched out on a boulder. The powerful feelings around him, and what she saw in his eyes, helped her make the connection. “Oh…” Gulping, she said, “I think we’d better talk.”

  Nodding, Matt gave her a grim look. Jenny was like a startled, beautiful deer in that moment. The look in her eyes was one of shock and disbelief. Why? Didn’t she know how beautiful she was? How precious to him? How achingly desirable?

  “I’m having one hell of a time keeping my hands off you, if you want the truth,” he growled. “I don’t know what’s happened, Jenny. You have a way of getting under a man’s armor. Reaching out and touching his heart. At least, that’s how I feel about it. I don’t know when or how it happened, but it has. And I’m looking at the fact that we’re sharing the same bed and that I want to share a lot more than just the space on it with you.”

  Her breath jammed in her throat. Staring at him, Jenny opened her mouth in amazement. “Y-you like me?”

  Giving her a lazy, amused look, Matt said, “Like? That’s an understatement, Jenny. I want you. In every conceivable way. But I’m not sure about you…about how you feel toward me. There’s just something magical about you. You’re a butterfly, you know? Beautiful. Distant. And I feel like if I reach out to drag you into my arms and kiss you until we melt together, that I might scare you—destroy you—in the process. In some ways, I see you as being so fragile….” His brows dipped and he stared down at his darkly haired hand, resting on the sheet between them. “This has got to be mutual or it isn’t going anywhere. And I don’t know where it might lead. I don’t have a damned clue. All I k
now is that I want you. I like listening to you talk. I like sharing life stories with you. You make me laugh—did you know that? I wake up in the morning looking forward to the day with you, and I haven’t felt that way in a long, long time. I enjoy your company. I like seeing the world through your idealistic eyes, because the way I look at life, it’s a helluva lot uglier. You make me feel clean inside, Jenny…I don’t know how else to explain it. I know I’m not very good with words and all….”

  Jenny sat very still. His words cascaded across her like warm, unexpected sunlight. “I—it’s so hard to believe what I’m hearing, Matt. I mean…” She cleared her throat, her voice wobbling. “I never thought you’d be interested in someone like me. I thought you’d be more interested in one of those women pilots we’re interviewing. A strong, confident woman. Not someone who shrieks over seeing a spider.”

  He gave her a cutting smile. “I see you as confident. I see your self-assurance blooming. And so what if you screech over a spider? I’m afraid of things, too. We all are.”

  Placing her hands on her reddening cheeks, Jenny whispered rawly, “I didn’t know, Matt. I didn’t think I was…I didn’t think that you…” She closed her eyes. Her stomach turned, not from fright or fear, but from a wild desire that coursed through her in that moment. Heart fluttering, all she could do was sit there and feel her way through Matt’s unexpected admittance.

  “Listen, this is my problem, Jenny. I just wanted to warn you, so that if some night I accidentally, in my sleep, turn over and pull you into my arms, you won’t be shocked. Just give me an elbow in the chest and I’ll wake up and let go of you. Okay?”

  She could feel her heart pounding beneath her palms, which were pressed to the center of her chest. Looking over at him, Jenny saw how unhappy he appeared. “This is so shocking, Matt. I never thought you’d have the least interest in me!”

  “No man in his right mind wouldn’t be interested in you, Jenny.” He saw pain reflected in her eyes. As she placed her hand on the sheet between them, Matt put his hand over hers in a protective gesture.

  “Well, that’s not been my experience. They haven’t exactly been beating down my door, Matt. I’ve had two relationships and they were disasters…at least for me.” She hung her head and felt his hand move gently across hers in a soothing motion. It gave her the courage to go on. “You might as well know the rest of my life story. I fell hard for a guy name Mark, in college, when I was working toward my degree. I was a lot worse than I am now.” She gave Matt a wry look and a weak laugh to try and make a joke of it. But her attempt failed.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m ADD, remember? Ants in my pants. Can’t sit still. Constant motion. Restless. Talkative. I warned Mark about my…lacking, and how I was. He didn’t seem to care, but as our relationship developed, it did bother him. The night-light bothered him. And he didn’t want to talk. Oh, I know men in general aren’t good at communicating…but he said I never shut up. That hurt.”

  “Sure it would.” Matt wanted to find Mark and rearrange his immature face for him. “Go on…”

  Grimacing, Jenny pulled her hand from beneath his and drew up her knees. She wrapped her arms around them and rested her chin on top. Her voice was hesitant and riddled with confusion. “I just couldn’t be what Mark wanted, so I broke up with him.”

  “That was a healthy thing to do. If he couldn’t accept you as you are, then you weren’t going to have many positive things left between you.”

  “Right. Well, that burned me but good, and I swore off men for a long time. I just kept my nose to the grindstone for a couple of years. In my senior year, I met Bobby. Actually, he chased me for months before I gave in and had a date with him. Oh! This is so embarrassing to tell you, Matt….” She shut her eyes tightly for a moment.

  Sitting up, Matt leaned against the headboard and rearranged the sheet around his waist. The agony in Jenny’s voice tore at him. Lifting his hand, he moved it lightly across her tense, drawn-up shoulders. “Was he just chasing you to get you in bed? A one-night stand?” he guessed.

  Nodding, Jenny turned and looked at Matt, relishing the feel of his hand as it moved slowly across her shoulders. “Yes. I fell for it. Me. At twenty-two, I fell for it. I knew better. I guess I was hoping that Mark was wrong. He said no one would want someone like me in their life. I’d drive them crazy.” Matt’s features darkened and a flash of anger sparked to life in his narrowing gray eyes. His hand left her shoulders. Inwardly, Jenny cried out for his continued touch.

  “So I’m gun-shy. That’s why I find it hard to believe you’d be interested in me. You’re a hero, Matt. A genuine hero, with ribbons and medals to prove it. You’re a true warrior. And yet you’re so kind and sensitive underneath that armor you wear.”

  “And you think that what I just shared with you means I want a one-night stand with you, right?”

  Jenny avoided his sharpening gaze. His mouth stretched into a thin line. Hurting, she barely got out the whispered word, “Yes…”

  “Because you don’t think you’re worth a long-term relationship, right?”

  Cringing inwardly, she nodded. “Who wants a coward in their life, Matt?

  “Listen to me,” he said roughly as he settled his hands over her shoulders and turned her toward him, her knees pressing against his hip. Her eyes widened. “How about deleting ‘coward’ and inserting ‘survivor’ instead?” Matt tightened his fingers around her small shoulders and leaned down until his face was inches from hers. His emotions took hold of him and his voice lowered to a vibrating growl. “You have survived more adversity from birth onward than most people are ever given. You didn’t become a drug addict like your mother, and you could have. You have ADD, but you’ve learned how to live your life and get along in the world with it, regardless. And you’ve got a degree in psychology, which clearly shows your discipline, endurance and drive. In my eyes, Jenny, you’re a heroine of the first order.” He gave her a small shake to emphasize the fiery words, which tore out of him in a blaze of frustration, anger and desire. He wanted so badly for her to know how wonderful a human being she really was, that others didn’t see her as she saw herself. “You want to know what real courage is? It’s living life, day in and day out, the best you can, darlin’. It’s about trying to be a decent human being even if you’re tired, you’re feeling rotten or life has been kicking the hell out of you. It’s about struggling to always treat others with respect, with kindness and as your equal.”

  Matt eased his grip on Jenny as he drowned in her tear-filled eyes. “You are those things, Jenny! You’re a heroine in my eyes and my heart. You’re a true survivor—not a coward. I want you to take what I’m saying to heart. Please. If I have any influence at all on you, let my honesty replace how you see yourself, okay?”

  Hot tears squeezed from her eyes. “Oh, Matt…” She lifted her hands and placed them on his broad, powerful shoulders.

  Unable to bear seeing her cry, he whispered raggedly, “I want to hold you, Jenny. Please? I want to give you a safe place. I promise, no funny stuff. Just let me hold you for a little while? I can’t stand to see a woman or kid cry. It just tears the hell out of me…”

  She crawled into Matt’s opening arms. How wonderful it felt, Jenny decided, as he leaned back against the headboard and drew her deeply into his strong embrace. Resting her cheek against his shoulder, his jaw against her hair, she closed her eyes and shyly slid her arms around his torso. Just feeling his hand move protectively across the back of her nightgown, then up to sift gently through her hair, brought more tears to her tightly shut eyes.

  “I…never knew…. I just never knew….” she sobbed.

  Gruffly, he whispered against her silky hair, “What? That you’re a good person, Jenny? That you’re courageous already, even if you’re the last to realize it? Why do you think Major Stevenson and those pilots respect you? Not one made fun of you. They admire you, darlin’. You just don’t see it.” Breathing out savagely, Matt continued to
hold her soft form against his harder one. Sweet mercy, how he wanted to kiss her. But he couldn’t…he didn’t dare make that move unless Jenny made it first. He swore he would not take advantage of her like Mark and that other jerk had. Right now, as she wept unashamedly in his arms, her small body trembling with each sob, he wanted to give her a safe harbor from the rugged life she’d endured alone thus far.

  Grinding his teeth with anger, Matt glared up into the grayness of the quiet room. If he had anything to do with it, Jenny’s days of being alone, feeling as if she were a loser and a coward, were over. Matt wasn’t exactly sure how he would make that happen, only that his heart told him to do it. Jenny was worthy of love. She was one of the most outwardly giving, loving people he’d ever run across. Matt knew, without a doubt, that he wasn’t perfect. Far from it. But he wasn’t like the men of her past, either. He valued a long-term relationship. Was there hope for them? Would she consider him more than just a working partner on this mission?

  Matt was scared. As he closed his eyes, sighed raggedly and simply absorbed the warmth and fluid feminine length of Jenny in his arms, he was more scared than he could ever recall being. And he was unsure of what else to say. Or do. Or how far to go with her. What it all boiled down to was that Jenny had to make the next move. He had to wait and be patient. To let the shock and trauma and beauty of tonight’s honest baring of their souls settle within her heart and mind. That would take time.

  Did they have it? How many days were left here? Matt knew that as soon as they got back to Perseus HQ, he had another mission waiting for him, and he’d be gone for another three months. Dammit, anyway. Life was not fair.

  Chapter Eight

  It took everything Jenny had the next morning after they arrived at Black Jaguar Base, to set aside thoughts of the incredible tenderness and care that Matt had shared with her earlier. Her body still sang from the way he’d held her, as if she were a priceless, delicate and beautiful vase that would surely shatter if he clasped her too tightly in his strong, warm arms. Oh, she wouldn’t break, Jenny knew. What Matt didn’t realize was that she had a ribbon as strong as steel winding through her.