Blood of the Pure (Gaea)

by Sophia CarPerSanti

  “And then it was my turn to listen in his own voice to all the hurt I’d caused him. But do you know what he told me in the end?” I stood silent, waiting for her to go on. “He told me that Gabriel had been the one to give him courage to come look for me. That Gabriel went to him and told him to stop being a coward and start fighting for what he really wanted.” A bitter smile teared at her lips. “It’s like he delivered me into Mark’s arms.” She added spitefully. “Not that I’m complaining. Mark is really wonderful.”

  “Does that mean that ...” I muttered, not knowing how to ask the question, and Steph stood up in her whole female glory, looking completely sure of herself.

  “I have nothing else to do with your cousin. I don’t even intend to ever talk to him again. Please tell him that, next time you hear from him. And now I should go. It’s late and I don’t want to worry my mom. Keep those. They were written for you, anyways,” she added, looking at the letters crumpled in my hand, and went straight for the door.

  “Wait, Steph!” I asked and she stopped for a moment, still keeping her back to me. “What about ... us?” I questioned, nervously. “Can’t we be ...”

  “You don’t need me anymore, Mari.” She stated coldly.

  “That was never the question! I never thought about being your friend because I needed you!” I countered and she took a deep breath.

  “You’re not the same. I’ve changed as well. Who knows, someday maybe our paths will cross again. But for now ...” She left it hanging and I couldn’t help feeling sad. What had been broken between us couldn’t be that easily repaired. “No need to escort me out. I know the way. See you Monday,” she told me dryly and left, closing the door behind her.

  I sat on my bed and cried in silence and without tears. Stephanie would never be my Steph again. My first friend in that new life Rachel and I had started together had just disappeared.

  My tired gaze ended up on the envelopes I’d set down beside me and I grabbed the first one, taking out a single piece of paper. The letters printed on it were long and elegant, carefully drawn and not simply written. The date, in the right corner, was from the first day of holidays and I couldn’t help feel disappointed.

  At least she’d received news from him. I, not even that... I’d told myself I couldn’t care less about what he’d written her but now curiosity took over. Yes, because whatever Steph had said, thinking those letters were meant for me, she’d been the one to receive them.

  an so I let my eyes wonder over his beautiful handwriting.

  London, 7th of April

  To Stephanie.

  I’m really sorry for having left without a word. I had to go back home during the holidays and, as it was all a last minute decision, there was no time for goodbyes. I hope you won’t miss me much.

  Now that I’m no longer close by, please try and talk things over with Mari. She always worries more than she should and only wants what’s best for you. Remember she’s not your enemy. If anyone should be, then it’s me, since I was the reason your friendship fell apart. I never wished for things to turn out like this.

  If you do see her, please tell her that I’m all right. I don’t want her to worry needlessly. One the other hand, I guess she won’t worry at all. Most likely she doesn’t even care. So maybe it’s best if you don’t tell her anything. It would most likely just disturb her peace. If you do see her and she asks for me, just tell her that my little brother talks about her every day. That should be enough.

  If everything goes as planned I’ll be back next week.

  Until then

  Gabriel

  I passed my fingers over the perfect letters and found myself smiling gently. He’d thought about me, although I’d mentally accused him of disappearing whenever it suited him. And Lea... Lea too, hadn’t forgotten me.

  I put the paper back in its envelop and grabbed the next one. Like the previous one it also contained a single sheet of paper

  London, 12th of April

  To Stephanie.

  I know I should be returning today but, unfortunately, that won’t be possible. Things are a little complicated, right now, and it will take some time sorting things out. Still, you mustn’t worry, please.

  What about Mari? Have you talked with her. If you didn’t please do! You just have no idea of how much she worries about you, of what she’s able to put herself through, in hopes of protecting you. You know her well, probably better than I do. And I’m sure you’re aware that all the nonsense you filled your head with is totally baseless. Please don’t make her suffer. She doesn’t wish you to.

  I’d like to ask you to tell her that we’re fine, next time you see her. My little brother just won’t shut up asking me to return as soon as possible. However, it’s out of my hands. In any case, I know she feels better and more at ease now that I’m gone. If she ever even remembers me it must be to thank the heavens that I still haven’t returned. And now, that I’m far away, she has even more time to spend with Michael. I’m sure that that makes her smile more often.

  As soon as I know when I’ll be back I’ll let you now. Until then, please don’t wait for me. I’m sure you have other people with whom you can pleasantly spend your time with. Enjoy your holidays.

  Gabriel

  I lowered that piece of paper deeply annoyed at him. Why did he have to constantly put thoughts in my head that weren’t even there to begin with? He hardly knew me! How did he dare to think that those poor arguments could justify the fact that he hadn’t called even once during the whole vacations?

  I took an instant to go through his words once again.

  Well, I couldn’t really deny that he’d been right, that those were all logical things... things I should probably be thinking right now. After all, I’d finally managed to resume my normal life. I no longer had to fear meeting him around every corner. I could go out with Michael whenever I wanted and return home without having to fear his reaction. I didn’t have to try to wrap my brain around concepts that no other Human Being had even heard about, or hear names and words that didn’t exist anywhere else in the world... Weren’t it for that mark, reddening the soft skin on my wrist, everything would have really gone back to normal. And yet...

  Smiling... or even crying, were things I wasn’t able to do on my own. I knew that somewhere inside me inhabited a new kind of pain, one that I didn’t dare face or question, for fear of what I might find out. And so I just kept everything really still, completely motionless, knowing that the softest gust of wind or even the smallest of waves could be enough to wake up that other part of me. As long as I kept still the pain could be forgotten and I could go back to being who I was before, reflecting other people’s emotions and faking them whenever needed.

  I smiled bitterly and placed the letter on the bed, picking up the last envelope. I couldn’t help feeling sad. I felt like a broken doll that he’d managed to get to work, but once he was gone, slowly went back to its primary motionless state.

  I unfolded the last piece of paper and it took me only one look to notice that this was the longest letter so far. The date was from the day before, as if it had been hand delivered to Steph’s door.

  London, 16th of April

  To Stephanie.

  I don’t really know how to tell you this. I fear I may cause you pain and I truly hope this is not the case. Mari would never forgive me if you were to shed a single tears because of me. In truth, all I did, even accepting to try and make things work between us, I did it all at her request. Obviously the initial mistake was all mine, for allowing someone like you to get involved with someone like me. And, once a mistake has been committed, it’s only fair that one should pay for it. Mari’s anger at me for allowing you to get so close to me was so intense she even dared raise her voice. I wonder if you can even imagine her doing something like that. She demanded that I didn’t hurt you and all I’ve done up till now was to try and fulfill her demand. Mari may not understand me, but she knows my true nature. She knows I’ll never be able
to make anyone happy. So, please, don’t cry for me. If possible, just pretend it was all an illusion, a magic trick from which you’re finally free. I know you don’t truly love me, and so do you. You’ve always been a smart, observant girl. I, on the other hand, will never be able to love you back. This is a word whose meaning is unknown to me. Even so, while living with Mari I experimented and did things I’d never even imagine I could, like writing a letter like the one I’m now sending you.

  I’m not going to return. I wish I could say I’ll never return again, but, although I know this is the right thing to do, I just can’t make any promises. I left many important things behind, things that I may yet come to need. But you can tell Mari that if I ever have to return I’ll be so fast that she won’t even notice me. I’ll never interfere in her life again, as long as she keeps living in that house.

  I hope that, with time, everything goes back to how it was before, since that’s Mari’s true and only wish. Maybe we’ll meet again, some day.

  Gabriel

  I only noticed how my hands were shaking when I tried to read his name for the third time, the elegant letters before my eyes constantly escaping me. The bitter taste that filled my mouth made me sob. I took a hand to my mouth, sealing it shut, refusing to believe that I’d be crying like a child if I only could cry when I felt like it.

  Gabriel was not coming back.

  Chapter Nineteen

  LOE

  – Path of Cheth. The Bearer of the Sangraal. The Black Brothers. 1 –

  “If all I hear is silence … if all I see is darkness ... if all I feel is emptiness ... How can I be sure I still exist?

  Just because something in my chest keeps beating and my tired mind is still able to think?

  What life is this that inhabits me, leaving me lost and unfeeling,

  leading me towards inexistent worlds as I desperately try to escape reality?

  In truth, if I feel nothing, and nothing fulfills me, then I can only be dead, dreaming about life, in this eternal sleep.”

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  J

  ust as planned Rachel ended up returning to Paris at the end of the week. She wasn’t pleased with the idea of leaving me alone and I had to make use of every possible argument, trying as hard as I could to convince her that Gabriel would probably arrive the next day. I didn’t tell her that, in fact, he was never coming back. That would only make her worry needlessly. With, or without him, she had work to do that required her presence and no way to just stay in London without any previous warning. After making me promise I’d call her as soon as he got home, she gave me a long kiss and an even tighter hug, and left to catch her cab. I managed to keep my most convincing smile in place until the cab disappeared down the road, but it vanished immediately as soon as I closed the door.

  Her departure had the same effect on me as the drop of a first domino in one of those intricate patterns designed to sequentially fall apart. And, without knowing how to avoid it, I found myself dragged towards a descending spiral that inevitably ended in darkness.

  Nevertheless the time around me kept moving forward and Monday arrived as it was supposed to.

  I awoke after another poorly slept night, constantly interrupted by nightmares I could never seem to remember, and stood up, feeling as if I’d just left part of me lying there under the quilt.

  The silence that accompanied me at breakfast made me take even less time to eat, and I left the house stepping into a cold but sunny morning. I walked to school, feeling half asleep, and when I finally reached my goal, I could hardly recall how I’d gotten there.

  As usual, Michael was waiting for me and his smile brought my dormant body back to life.

  I didn’t tell him about Steph’s unexpected visit. I tried as hard as I could to put all that out of my mind. I walked draped by his usual warmth almost up to my classroom and, as I saw him walk away, it seemed like he took the little bit of energy I had with him.

  It was Joanne who brought me back to reality. I felt glad that she seemed to be talking to me again, greeting me as always and asking me about my holidays. We walked together to our seats and her description of how wonderful her vacation had been was only interrupted by Stephanie’s arrival.

  Contrary to Joanne, Steph didn’t even look my way, nor Joanne’s for that matter. She just sat silently, her back very straight, completely ignoring our presence. Joanne frowned, clearly displeased with her attitude. I was sure she had decided that, once we were all back at school, she’d forgive us and things would be back to the way they used to. But Steph didn’t want to go back, she never would. Unlike me, always trying to grab on to the old me, she would accept all that happened and embrace her changed self. I was envious of her strength, even if that meant we would never be friends again.

  Without Joanne’s chatter to keep me focused on one point, I was lost among the unintelligible sounds that surrounded me. There were laughter, awes and chairs dragging over the floor, but the world that surrounded seemed unreal and distant.

  Professor Frederich came in not long after, silence following him before he announced he had something to tell us.

  My heart jumped at his words, knowing instinctively what would come next. Still, I almost bit my tongue when he said in a nonchalant tone that, due to family problems, Gabriel Lawless had been transferred to another school.

  From the corner of my eye I saw Steph clench her fists, although she kept sitting very straight, apparently indifferent.

  The murmur that filled the air had our teacher demanding silence in an angry voice, and I could immediately foresee what my following school days would be like.

  All that was needed was for the bell to ring.

  I felt dizzy looking up at all the faces that surrounded my desk even before the bell had stopped ringing, their words lost to me the moment they were uttered. I knew they were asking me about Gabriel, about the true reasons behind his sudden disappearance, and so I just picked up what the teacher had said, that it had been a family urgency. I wasn’t sure if that would be enough, but their sorrowful expressions and wishes that everything would be fine soon told me it was.

  The rest of the morning went by me as if I lived in a misty world. At lunchtime I joined my friends in the cafeteria. Their relief when they saw me left me puzzled, until I understood they’d thought I’d also changed schools. After all, Gabriel’s family was my family as well.

  They’d already heard the news, but I had to repeat the story about a family tragedy that demanded Gabriel’s presence. Once more everyone empathized with my family’s problems, sending their best to Gabriel the next time I spoke with him. To my relief, the theme of the conversation quickly changed, going back to what everyone had done during the holidays.

  I sat there, listening to what they said and forgetting all about it just seconds later. I laughed when everyone laughed and tried to look surprised when the others did, pretending to follow their conversation.

  It was Joe who reminded me of the time, probably thinking that I’d been so engrossed in our talk that I’d completely forgotten about it. He was right about the last part, anyway.

  I made myself smile, not knowing what to say when everyone looked at me with amused expressions, and ended up mumbling something that sounded like a ‘see you later’ before I left.

  Michael was waiting for me by the glass door and, as usual, I almost ran to meet him. I took a deep breath as I stepped outside and it felt like the last time I’d breathed was when he’d left me near my classroom.

  We walked together and Michael told me the news, like the championship Steven had won during the holidays, and the fact that Megie seemed to have finally settled down with just one boyfriend. Inevitably, Gabriel’s sudden departure became part of our talk and I told him about my family’s problem that at this point had become less ambiguous. By then my aunt, Gabriel’s mother, had fallen sick and that’s why he had to leave. Michael sounded worried, even sorry for Gabriel whom, during our holiday dates, he
’d come to really dislike.

  As it had become his habit, Michael took me home, and I tried to keep my brightest smile in place, at least until the door was closed. Once alone I could finally take a deep breath and stop pretending. I felt so tired from my long day that all I wanted was to drop dead on my bed and fall asleep, and yet, sleeping always meant dreaming, and dreaming always meant nightmares, terrible nightmares that I never seemed to remember.

  The silence around me left me deaf, almost as if I’d just entered a huge bubble of nothingness. Even my steps, as I climbed up the stairs, seemed soundless. I put my books down, next to the letters that I hadn’t had the courage to touch again, and sat down on my bed.

  Closing my eyes I finally freely accepted the darkness that had been watching me all day long. I was too tired, too tired to run, or fight, or scream in despair, and the numbness that had taken over me didn’t allow me to even be frightened or care. At least, suspended in that state between awareness and sleep, I could easily erase the world around me, avoiding the nightmares that came to me every time I slept. Immersed in that darkness, I didn’t have to avoid my own feelings that, just like a heavy spear thrown into the sea, kept sinking inside me as time went by. I also didn’t have to pretend, or try too hard to please those around me. There were no voices, no images, no time.

  If before I hadn’t quite understood what Alexander had meant about my inability to feel like everyone else, now it was painfully clear. In the end, my wish had been granted and my life had gone back to what it used to be. And so I should be happy, I thought, ecstatic even. Gabriel had disappeared. Steph was back with Mark. Michael was always beside me. Even Joanne had gone back to talking to me. And yet, I felt nothing.